Monday, March 31, 2014: The Fred Astaire of football teams

With their large feet and inability to balance without the use of a tale, dancing is not a popular pastime among the kangaroo population. The kangaroo is scrappy rather than classy; powerful, graceless beasts that are very difficult to knock over. Perhaps more akin to Barry Hall or Wayne Carey than Boomer Harvey or Lindsay Thomas.

Friday, March 28, 2014: A serious, informed, credible source of footy news...

As any good football blog should, we had planned to write about football today. Not the ASADA, Buddy Franklin's Mercedes type of football, but the actual kickings and markings and other goings on within the confines of that thin white line.

This wasn't just a pipe dream. We had plans, plans that extended well beyond the couch at Smother House. We bought tickets and caught trains and were actually prepared for today's Smother to be a serious, informed, credible source of footy news... only to be sabotaged by a range of unrelated factors that conspired to leave us now crippled and broken, typing with one finger while the hangover just refuses to subside. We have but a few points on last nights game.

Thursday, March 27, 2014: Unadulterated guff...

Perhaps i'm in the minority. A relic of a simpler time, when kids played on street corners and the world just seemed nicer. A time when going to the football was an experience in just that, the strange orange and black scoreboard at VFL park being more than enough amusement for those whose eyes wandered from the play.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014: Political influence and an advertising budget...

We are all mere oracles, staring into the haunting abyss like Macbeth's witches and prognosticating, loudly and without the requisite information or qualifications. Theories abound with ravenous indiscretion, gnawing at the feet of giants, hoping for a fall. This is how the circus works, hacks of varying repute, sniffing blood and chasing it mercilessly. The detritus of an industry to which media, broadcast deals and exclusivity agreements, have become the staple diet. 

Within the hour, Paul Little will again stick his weirdly lovable head above the parapet, from where he will offer salvation or termination - D-Day, as they will no doubt call it, for James Hird's coaching career. Whatever happens, the cover of the Herald Sun is already dedicated to it. The speculation, the desire to follow the scent of blood back to its owner and chew furiously on the flesh, will continue long beyond James Hird, making the whole thing pretty irrelevant. 

But that is not what I wanted to write about today. 

Because football is football and it will continue. Even if Essendon had injected themselves with the blood of murdered toddlers and spent their evenings in a demented orgy of cocaine and womens clothing, the game will continue. The league, however obsessed with the protection of its 'brand', seem to have found a convenient blind spot behind which they conceal a much more prevalent evil (I may have overreached with murdered toddlers but I'm running late so just stay with me).

Jake Niall in The Age today revealed some startling figures on club profits - specifically those gouged from punters at pokie machines in outer-suburban areas. Hawthorn, for example, drew $4 million from a Waverley Gardens venue. Carlton earned $2.7m, Collingwood are more than invested in the industry. 

How any club, or the league itself, can stand on some kind of moral soapbox over Essendon's doping charges knowing that they're funded up the wazoo by gouging addicts is astounding. 

One wonders what might have happened if Dr. Ageless had political influence and an advertising budget...

In the news...

Paul Little will hold a press conference at 4pm to apparently announce the fate of James Hird. 

Hawthorn's Dayle Garlett has walked away from the club, citing the stresses of an AFL career. Though he will be delisted, the Hawks will be unable to elevate a replacement as the cause is not an injury or illness. Garlett has been picked up by Swan Districts in the WAFL. 

David Swallow has re-signed with the Suns. "I’m really pleased to re-sign with Gold Coast," he said.

And finally, Brisbane's Brent Staker is suffering from a tendon injury and will face an extended stint out of the game. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014: The Smother's guide to football journalism...

Want extra Smother? Read our piece on The Roar today.

Many aspiring football journalists languish in the blogosphere, focusing erroneously on the meager matters that transpire within that white painted oval. It's a sorry waste really, sports journalism - like any media - is about selling ads, and no-ones clicking on your analysis of a game they've already watched. What the people want is scandal, crisis, intrigue; sacked coaches and careers destroyed in seconds. Caroline Wilson won a journalism award this week, you think she got to where she is with pithy articles about backline structures and disposal effectiveness?

Monday, March 24, 2014: In crisis...

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Thursday night review

Oh controversy. That monkey that ambled into Etihad Stadium on Friday night on the backs of Essendon, yet surreptitiously scampered under the door frame of North Melbourne's rooms and left squarely in their possession. Though its ghost still lingers at Windy Hill, and in the Westpac Centre and up north at the Gabba, at the conclusion of round one controversy has made quite a home for itself at Arden Street.

The Kangaroos are in crisis. Let's not forget they've now lost one game in a row, against a side who are likely to finish - barring further developments from ASADA - in the top 4 and with genuine Premiership ambitions. Even the President has heaped the pressure on the Roos, and the coach (for now), Brad Scott, called the performance 'horrific'. Gary Lyon and Damian Barrett went as far as to call it the 'worst performance of the round'

It's hard to believe, given this mess, that North haven't just shut down and re-deployed their players as PE teachers in local schools, hoping to in-time recoup some of the extraordinary losses on players who clearly will never be able to play the game - unless, as we consider likely, they come out next week and beat the Bulldogs while Essendon show the Hawks how realistic their title aspirations are.

That outcome would leave controversy to find a new home, and leave a lot of people looking mighty silly.


Monday Wrap
Thursday:
Geelong 119 defeated Adelaide 81
Friday:
Essendon 99 defeated North Melbourne 60
Saturday:
Hawthorn 139 defeated Brisbane 91
St. Kilda 68 defeated Melbourne 51
Sunday
West Coast 134 defeated Western Bulldogs 69

Ladder:
Fremantle - 4
West Coast - 4
Essendon - 4
Hawthorn - 4
GWS Giants - 4
Geelong - 4
Port Adelaide - 4
St. Kilda - 4
Gold Coast - 4
Richmond - 0
Melbourne - 0
Carlton - 0
Adelaide - 0
Sydney - 0
Brisbane - 0
Western Bulldogs - 0
Collingwood - 0


In the news...
Brisbane's Tom Rockliff has been offered a one week ban by the MRP Sharrod Wellingham has been offered a reprimand, Lewis Johnson and Josh Gibson have been cleared.

Adelaide's Richard Douglas may make a surprise appearance in the first ever Adelaide Oval Showdown. View a strange maybe photo maybe painting of him here.

In proof that Sydney people don't read Melbourne newspapers, the Swans have re-signed John Longmire.

And finally, Matthew Lloyd is confident that James Hird will still coach in 2015 despite the alleged animosity between the Hird camp and Essendon.

Friday, March 21, 2014: A tired father feigning effort...

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Thursday night review

Geelong 119 defeated Adelaide 81

Say what you will about Adelaide. It seems that everyone, Patrick Dangerfield included, has stuck the boot into a club which has gone from within a kick of a Grand Final to a bottom 8 team in a few short months. The club did the impossible at the trade table, in a deal that saw it donate Kurt Tippett to the Swans and cop a fine for its generosity. Left completely bereft of draft picks, a forward line or even the faith of their own captain - at least the Crows have a sense of occasion.

Thursday, March 20, 2014: We've got plenty of tickets available...

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In March 2006 Melbourne was gripped by Commonwealth Games fever. Athletes from every corner of the Queens influence descending on our hollowed MCG turf for a fortnight of decadence; running, jumping and swimming against each other in a stunning array of purpose built facilities. It was a predictably enjoyable affair, so enjoyable that two thirds of the Sierra Leone team couldn't bring themselves to leave, preferring instead to abscond from the Games and hide - waiting for the whole thing to blow over. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014: Statistically proven terrible ideas

Essendon's potentially temporary coach Mark "Bomber" Thompson has admitted to some nerves before his return to senior coaching against North Melbourne on Friday night. "I'm a little bit nervous, but excited as well, you just don't know how you're going to handle it - you know you've done it before but every time it confronts you, you just say 'I wonder if I've still got it?" he quivered yesterday, perhaps rightly, given the week he has endured.  

The Kangaroos yesterday added another chapter to a Essendon/North rivalry that has been punctuated by idiosyncratic marketing campaigns. Though it's not quite Kevin Sheedy's famous marshmallow diatribe, the Kangaroos yesterday stoked the fire with a proposal that they should be released from the burden of playing the away teams song at home games "as is the case internationally and with most other codes".

Tuesday, March 18, 2014: Something new to talk about...

A new chapter, that's all they've asked for. It's got nothing to do with redemption or forgiveness, there is no amends to be made. Essendon just want something new to talk about.

This was the second year of the Essendon pre-season pantomime, replete with heroes and villains; characters submitting themselves to the judgement of the masses. Distorted, often beyond recognition, by the hazy lens of the various scribes assigned the task of disseminating facts when precious few are known. It's exhausting and obsessive work, you can spend days analysing the various prognostications without realising how futile it all is. Nothing has happened, something might, but nothing has.

Monday, March 17, 2014: Anyone holding their breath has long since dropped dead

"The top four have got every right to think it's between 11 and one, the rest of us ... I would say we're approaching 11 o'clock. There's a lot of sides approaching 11 o'clock. We want to be progressing through 11 o'clock into it. I don't see any reason why that can't be the case. We've got a very good blend of senior players and we've got a good blend in the middle."
Mick Malthouse, Saturday. 

"It's not a matter of whether we're in the window or not, it's a matter of making sure you win enough games of football. The last thing that'll be on our mind or any players' mind is where's the window?"
Mick Malthouse, Sunday

So that's that then, in only a few hours - and following a game in which they were run off their feet by Port Adelaide - Carlton's premiership clock/window is not so much expired as it is now irrelevant. The entire analogy, after forming the basis of his pre-match press conference, was disposed of with the disdain that Malthouse usually reserves for those he's speaking to (or at least a sandwhich-eating cameraman).

Friday, March 14, 2014: David, I can not spend another night alone

This here football blog is not all about mickey-taking, occasionally a letter crosses our desk here at Smother House that reminds us of the duty that football holds in society. On the eve of the 2014 season, this letter - from Sally to her husband David - serves as a pertinent reminder that life exists beyond football, and we thought it important to share.

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My Dearest David,

I am writing because I love you. Our married years have been some of the happiest of my life, you have been a loving husband and wonderful father, and I can not imagine my life without you. I hoped I'd never have to.

Thursday, March 13, 2014: A Korean style state-run media at your disposal

There is an unspoken rule in business that one should never attack their competitors, publicly at least. For example, if one of your business rivals has a particularly sour week in sales, it would be inappropriate to come out and gloat. Truth be told, the safest option is to either keep your mouth shut, or continue to talk up your own wares.

Sometimes, though, it can feel like the whole world hasn't noticed just how badly your opponent is faring. In those situations, it can be tempting to stoke the fire a little bit. It requires a deft touch, the subtle art of surreptitiously guiding an audience toward the conversation you want them to have, without saying anything at all.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014: Lawyers who choose where they work

Deep inside a brown paper bag, through a voice-changer and a distorted phone line, the insider issues his orders. On the other end of the phone is a reporter, at arms length from his corporate employer, listening intently and tapping away on a laptop. Mass kidnappings, human's being trafficked across Australia, not only in broad daylight but with a billion dollar of corporate funding the operation.

This mystery insider, whose identity remains a secret, contacted AFL Media this week to lash out against the crazed libertarian idea that AFL players should have the right to choose where they play. "We're seeing with free agency that the star players who leave are generally joining the stronger clubs" said Mr. X, "during trade time clubs lose most of their bargaining power when a player nominates his preferred new club. They're forced to either do a deal with that club or let the player go for nothing."

Friday, March 7, 2014: In a lot of newspapers in close proximity to the word 'allegedly'...

Some stories just keep in giving. We thought that the Jack Riewoldt media ban was one of those things footballers say in the heat of the moment before realising they looked quite silly just there and pretending like nothing ever happened. But alas, Jack is still not for turning on his media ban, all-but-running away from cameras at a charity appearance yesterday. It was hardly edifying, but then again, running away from cameras is still a whole lot classier than chasing them.

Thursday, March 6, 2014: This local eatery...

It's time that the AFL got serious about equalisation. Forget Eddie's tantrums and who paid how much for Lance Franklin, if we continue to allow our great game to be continually smeared by the scourge of crippling inequality, we'd best prepare ourselves for a dark, dark future. "Look at all the stats and Sydney is a lot more expensive to live than any other city" says economist and midfielder Kieran Jack, and he had evidence, hell, actual  anecdotal evidence, to back it up. “I certainly know how hard it is to live in Sydney, not if you’re an established player and you’re already earning OK money, it’s all right. But younger players coming in, they really struggle."

We agree with Jack, in truth, if we had one issue with the 9.8% allowance to help Sydney teams attract players to the harsh economic climate of the harbour city, it's that it didn't go far enough. There are other teams who are suffering, struggling to retain players in the face of ambitious raids by clubs fortunate enough to be surrounded by affordable housing. 

Geelong for example, where the cost of living is - according to some actual data we found - 15% cheaper than Melbourne, or St. Kilda and Hawthorn who have deviously relocated to suburban bases where $200,000 goes a lot further in the property market - safe in the knowledge that the league lacks the moral fortitude to adjust the salary cap accordingly. 

So, while you celebrate the abolition of the COLA and the apparent return to a level playing field, spare a thought for teams doing it tough. Teams like Collingwood, who are working in a rapidly gentrifying area where the cost of living has skyrocketed in recent years. After all, who would stay at Collingwood, Richmond or Melbourne when the price for food at this local eatery, for example, are so exorbitant. 

Equality means a level playing field, and it requires taking everything into consideration. Adelaide and Port Adelaide, where players benefit from a city that eschews frivolous excesses like any semblance of nightlife or the hopes of a job for their children, should not be competing on the same figure as Melbourne or Sydney clubs.

It is a debate that surely continue, but so long as The Smother isn't fired for a blatant lack of research and overwhelming bias, we'll continue to fight it...

In the news...

Carlton's Marc Murphy has signed am exciting 4-year deal with the Blues. "I just want to say how proud and humbled I am. It's extremely exciting" he said. 

Those wanting to fist-bump Dane Swan from interesting angles will be disappointed to here that he will never again have a full range of motion in his injured wrist. Despite this, he will play round one. 

Media ban be damned, Jack Riewoldt has been named for Richmond's practice match against Essendon at Punt Road, practice match team information is here. 

And finally, fans of Donnie Darko, Lantana and other films with confusing plots might enjoy the AFL's latest effort - the futuristic tale of a girl, an old man, and the 2013 Grand Final. 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014: Purchasing as many petards as they could carry....

With the league's pre-season cheese convention well and truly underway, the suited ones have headed west to Adelaide to argue about money. Chunks of cheese have dominated The Smother this week, and the unfettered cheddar discussion has continued with the revelation that outgoing AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou took home $3.8m for his efforts in 2013.

Although the figure is inflated by a $2m performance payment which was earned over previous years - presumably for achieving goals like not taking a six week mid-season jaunt around Europe - there are many within AFL land who think the fee to be somewhat excessive. On this we agree, but that may be a case of sour grapes given that negotiations with our own Big Cheese, the CEO at Smother Enterprises, fell well short of expectations. We are pleased with the decision not to fire us, but we continue to oppose the Eddie McGuire style public lashings that the boss has instituted. Our opposition, however, only seems to increase the intensity of the whippings. Truth be told, we're not real good at helping ourselves.

Speaking of which, with Sydney set to lose their controversial cost-of-living-allowance (COLA), we wonder if they too have been hoisted by their own petard. While, perhaps not so much as hoisted by their own petard, rather purchasing as many petards as they could carry, delivering them personally to Eddie McGuire and telling him to do with them as he wished. With the COLA argument heating up, common wisdom might have suggested keeping their heads down and avoiding anything that might serve as a flash-point in the argument. Something like, you know, signing the league's biggest player to a multi-millon dollar ten-year deal.

Instead, the Swans made a substantial donation to the armaments of the very men who were campaigning to have the COLA abolished, and in the end it has proved too much for the league to ignore. Although Demetriou denies that Buddy influenced the decision to remove the allowance, he also denied having any regrets about the way he handled the ASADA saga....

In the news...
The 18 AFL Captains gathered at the redeveloped Adelaide Oval today, and they wasted no time in coming out swinging against the Herald Sun. "As leaders of the playing group, we think it's appropriate to stand up, and lend our voice and influence, in condemning the mistreatment of vulnerable players. That's our responsibility" said the captain of the captains, Matthew Pavlich.

The AFL also took the opportunity to do some market research on the skippers, revealing that Hawthorn, Sydney and Fremantle are Premiership favourites among the admittedly niche market of AFL Captains. They also chose Scott Pendlebury for the Brownlow, Travis Cloke and Josh Kennedy to share the Coleman and Jack Martin as Rising Star.  

While it's small change for Demetriou, Carlton's Marc Murphy is close to re-signing with the Blues on a 4 year, $700,000-a-season deal.

And finally, Geelong's George Burberry has celebrated returning to training - after having his jaw broken in the pre-season - by donning a rather fitting bright pink cap.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014: Replacing the tribunal with a system of public floggings committed in city square

Oh, Eddie, where would this column be without you? The whiteboard here at Smother House has been completely barren, save for the crudely constructed illustrations of phalli from various angles, and we'd all but given up hope of producing anything with a mere resemblance to a meaningful dissertation before that highly anticipated first wonky bounce of the 2014 season. But there you were, Eddie, on a high-horse that is becoming so high we're beginning to doubt that even you will be able to dismount safely.

"The next team that cheats and the next administration that does it, they should be be put in the city square and flogged" said the typically calm McGuire, "it's time for them to actually kick into the competition and for a few clubs pull their head in and stop cheating and burning the competition to the ground every other year." 

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Big Ed's relentless diatribe against the unnamed rogues who threaten an apocalyptic derailment of all that is pure was not the sole item on today's football agenda. With over 24 hours having transpired since the shock resignation of Big Cheese Andrew Demetriou, attention has turned to the future of large cheeses - the next CEO of the AFL. Rapidly expanding cheese Gillon McLachlin is almost certain to take the job, but with the Herald Sun needing to sell newspapers and the AFL keen to show it's probity in these matters, we can expect a myriad of names, sensible and otherwise, to be thrown forward in the coming months.

Hence, as we enter our second calendar month of existence, we're proud to announce the newest segment to join the Smother ranks, a thorough analysis of the range of cheddar trying to get it's parmes-on the the biggest office in the land.

Gillion In the Name Of...
Given his desire to replace the tribunal with a system of public floggings committed in city square, a McGuire push for the top job - a job in which he would theoretically be able to put his Dickensian plans into action - seemed a mere formality. Unless, of course, you remember just how important Collingwood is. "It's bad enough having to fund them, without having to run it" said McGuire of a potential demotion to the AFL job.

This leaves Channel 9's Jeff Browne, AFL Commissioner Paul Bassatt, Geelong CEO Brian Cook, West Coast CEO Trevor Nisbett and MCC guru Stephen Gough as likely competitors in the AFL's selection process, a process that is absurd according to Kangaroos' boss James Brayshaw. "When you've got such a high-quality candidate sitting there, why would you bother with any of that. Just appoint him." said Brayshaw, perhaps unawares of the fate of other high-quality candidates like Stephen Dank. 

So even though the job is Gillon's to lose, we'll be keeping a keen eye on the process the league uses to select him. After all, we mustn't become too distracted by those angry young men running around on a patch of grass and forget what this game is really about - men in suits arguing about money. 

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In the news...
Far from tempering expectations for the upcoming season, Gold Coast's Dion Prestia has declared his nascent group of roustabouts near certainties to win the 2014 flag. "There's a lot of boys who have played over 50 games now and there'll be a few more this year. We're not going to have any excuses any more," he crowed. "We expect to win every game we go into. Our first few years we'd think 'we're playing a top-four team, we're probably not going to win', but we can match it with anyone I reckon."

Port Adelaide's Andrew Moore has supported hair testing of players for drugs, which can pick up any usage in the last three months. "Obviously in the off season guys will go away, do their own thing but it's important that they realise what career they have." he said in an attempt to end the career of several of the AFL's biggest names. Port's Irish recruit Daniel Flynn has headed home to deal with homesickness and a terminally-ill grandfather. 

The Match Review Panel has issued its findings on the NAB Challenge, with Scott Selwood fined $900 for inappropriate-pushing-of-a-player-into-an-umpire, Ryan O'Keefe can accept 93.75 points for striking Selwood. Billy Smedts can also accept 93.75 points for inappropriate-Toumpas-touching.
In further bad news for the Saints, Lenny Hayes has been given a week for striking Stephen Congilio and Maverick Weller has also copped a week for Tomas Buggery.

Despite St. Kilda now missing many of it's few stars for the round one grudge match with Melbourne, Matt Finnis has accepted the job of CEO at St. Kilda. His first act in the role will presumably to contact Clive Palmer about any spare seats on his Titanic. 

Joel Selwood, who is suffering from 'awareness' in his leg, has revealed his issues with sentient body parts might have spread. "I've got to listen to my body right now and make sure that I am right", he said, although he is confident of playing round one. 

Monday, March 3, 2014: At least on par with professional cycling....

So that's that, the inaugural NAB Challenge has been run and won... well, run at least, owing to the abandonment of the NAB Cup, there were no winners. But it happened, and that's got to stand for something.

According to some, who we haven't met but assume exist somewhere in the dark underbelly of AFL House, the 18 games in 18 days format was an unqualified success. Spreading football across the country with games in far-reaching places like Wagga Wagga, Ballarat and even in the sparse docklands of Melbourne is an admirable goal - and we think it's fair to say the event took on a life of its own, well, it at least looked that way from the filthy couches of Smother House.

Speaking of taking on a life its own, we have to spare a thought for Geelong captain Joel Selwood. Selwood was subbed out of the penultimate NAB Challenge match on Friday night after experiencing sentience in his hamstring. "Selwood experienced some awareness in his leg" Tweeted the club, leaving journalists to ask whether the leg was happy at Geelong and if, under the new free-agency agreements, the leg could sign a separate contract and nominate for the rookie draft.

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But that is all old news now, 11 days before the first (probably diagonal and recalled) bounce of 2014, the Biggest of Cheeses, Andrew Demetriou has announced that this will be his last season at the helm. The man who brought football to the Gold Coast and Blacktown, denied it to Tasmania and is currently engaged in a ferocious campaign to turn the game into a working example of communism will be sorely missed, according to fawning AFL Commission Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick.

"Andrew has been one of the most influential CEOs in our history" he told the waiting media, pointing to the establishment of an integrity unit as one of his crowning achievements. "Andrew has been the first in Australia sport - after the racing industry - to deliver an integrity unit" said Fitzpatrick, suggesting the league was now, in terms of integrity, at least on par with professional cycling. 

Credit should also go to metal health advocate Jeff Kennett, waiting 2 torturous hours after the announcement to get himself in the papers. "I hope Mike Fitzpatrick is also resigning because the AFL commission has been far from active, far from good at upholding good governance and the AFL commission has accepted no responsibility itself for the failing of the code over the last three years" he barked at Fairfax radio.

Still, it would be unfair of us not to give the last word in The Monday Smother to the AFL's CEO of the decade, and certainly the greatest we've seen since Wayne Jackson. "I didn't inject anyone ... it had had no impact on me" said Demetriou of the Essendon scandal, leaving us to wonder whether the league was a little harsh on James Hird. 


In the news...
In the weekends results, Collingwood overcame a 41 point half-time deficit to defeat the Suns by 14 points at Metricon, while the Giants smashed the Saints on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga and Friday night saw the Cats defeat Melbourne by 13.

Meanwhile the ASADA investigation continues to leak like a sieve, with News Limited spending the weekend naming and shaming Essendon players who are under investigation. We have joined Fairfax in choosing not to name the players, our concerns not being the breach of privacy but the refusal of our own Big Cheese to buy us an online subscription to the Herald Sun.