Want extra Smother? Read our piece on The Roar today.
Many aspiring football journalists languish in the blogosphere, focusing erroneously on the meager matters that transpire within that white painted oval. It's a sorry waste really, sports journalism - like any media - is about selling ads, and no-ones clicking on your analysis of a game they've already watched. What the people want is scandal, crisis, intrigue; sacked coaches and careers destroyed in seconds. Caroline Wilson won a journalism award this week, you think she got to where she is with pithy articles about backline structures and disposal effectiveness?
Today's Smother is an educational journey through the process of writing articles that will sell. It's the key to getting famous, to driving a car like Hutchy and sitting on a couch like Mike Sheahan. Listen up kids, The Smother is about to school you.
First - forget everything you know about football. It's irrelevant and no-one cares. It's as simple as picking one of our suggested premises below and driving in some nails.
Suggested premises for great football journalism:
Adelaide are in crisis; Patrick Dangerfield is threatening to leave, joining Kurt Tippett who they successfully traded for the privilege of being exiled from the draft (and there's this). The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Brisbane is in crisis; even at their best they were still 40 points short of Hawthorn. Most of their promising young talent has absconded due to homesickness, a disease usually suffered when the place you are in isn't really that good. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Carlton is in crisis; their recruiting has continually failed to produce young talent, leaving them languishing between 6th and 10th, a position from where Premierships are impossible yet draft picks are few. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Collingwood is in crisis; Nathan Buckley has overseen a gradual slide in finishing positions which, if current trends continue, will see them finish 18th this year and a disastrous 54th in 2015. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Essendon is in crisis; the ASADA scandal will probably claim most of their players and leave them resorting to desperate measures to fill the substantial gaps in their squad. Although Charlie from marking has a competent left foot, he is not of AFL standard. There are still doubts about Darlene from reception's ability as a crumbing forward. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Fremantle is in crisis; too many of their big name players, as well as their coach, have shown ineptitude when it counts. Second comes right after first, but it's still second. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Geelong is in crisis; Paul Chapman will star in an Essendon side that has most of it's AFL listed talent suspended by ASADA, leaving the Cats to wonder why they ever got rid of him. This kind of haphazard list management has no place in the AFL. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Gold Coast is in crisis; in a few years, many of their developing stars will demand salaries that exceed the amount they can pay. This will lead to a mass player exodus, and leave us asking why they didn't see this coming. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Greater Western Sydney is in crisis; despite having a clear mandate to obliterate rugby league from the face of the Earth, GWS continue to struggle against a sport where you aren't allowed to pass forward. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Hawthorn is in crisis; despite winning by 41 points, everyone seems to agree they looked a bit underdone in their game against Brisbane. This is undoubtedly a sign that Clarko is losing it, and they should have kept Buddy Franklin. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Melbourne are in crisis; Paul Roos couldn't even get this Melbourne team over the line against a St. Kilda group that lacked any semblance of a midfield. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
North Melbourne are in crisis; they lost convincingly to an Essendon side who were so completely hamstrung by the Hird situation it was a surprise that they even made it to the ground without having a mental breakdown. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Port Adelaide are in crisis; climbing from cellar dwellars to finalists in one year is impressive, but they are yet to prove it wasn't a fluke. A loss against Adelaide this weekend is surely a sign that it was a fluke and they aren't really all that good. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Richmond are in crisis; they don't know where to play Jack Riewoldt, who they omitted from the leadership group despite his own admission that his leadership was quite good. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
St. Kilda are in crisis; save for a one man show from Nick Riewoldt, the Saints would have lost to Melbourne who are also in crisis. There is no surer way to be in crisis then to lose to a team in crisis. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Sydney are in crisis; Lance Franklin is flagrantly destroying the Bloods Culture, inviting the younger players to share his cigarettes behind the bike sheds and giving them taped copies of offensive music such as the Offspring's Americana. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
West Coast are in crisis; they have too many talented tall players, all of whom can run fast and jump high and kick goals. This will undoubtedly lead to hurt feelings at the selection table, which will tear the club apart. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Western Bulldogs are in crisis; if Bob Murphy's 250th game wasn't motivation enough to overcome all odds and beat West Coast in 31 degrees on their giant home field, I don't know what is. The coach should be sacked and the entire club probably dissolved.
Thank us when you're famous kiddos. Our work here is done, unless you like football news that is - in which case, read on:
In the news...
Gold Coast coach Guy McKenna has predicted Gary Ablett could be a 400 game player. "He'll fly past 300 and he could certainly get up there with the Kevin Bartletts of the world" he crowed.
Under-pressure Collingwood coach Nathan Buckley has revealed that Ben Reid is still 2-3 weeks away from playing. "He hasn't passed a couple of the hurdles he's been asked to jump." said Buckley, leading us to wonder whether jumping hurdles is a good activity for an injured player.
And finally in this rather lengthy Tuesday Smother, Brisbane's Tom Rockliff has accepted a one-match ban for rough conduct.
No comments:
Post a Comment