September 29, 2014: The season in review...

It was hard to imagine the devastation. The pain that Sydney would have experienced leaving the hallowed turf at half-time, knowing that glory had eluded them, would have only been compounded by the awful knowledge that they had to go back out there. That they needed to spend another hour playing the rule of animated witches hats, humiliated by a force that - on this day at least - was as great as any to have graced a football field. Even when that subsided, they would be forced to watch as the cup - the cup they believed was rightfully theirs - was held aloft by other hands.

Hawthorn's dominance on Saturday was of the order we haven't seen since ASADA played Essendon in the Federal Court, the only saving grace was that they weren't forced to pay costs - a bill that included Tom Jones. Any who protested this teams place among the greats must surely now be assuaged. We are privileged to have witnessed it.

It was one bright spot in what has been a dark year for a our great game. ASADA rolls on against a backdrop of disastrous fixturing and other ill-fated tinkering with a formula that has worked perfectly fine for decades. Goal review controversy, inaudible sirens and the perennial cases of drunken misadventure have absorbed ample column space. At times the game itself was seen as a corollary to an arsenal of alternate narratives.

We finish the Smother's first season with gratitude for those who talk about footballers on football grounds, rather than footballers in court rooms. Those who advocate for curtain-raisers rather than fireworks and all-star dance troupes. Those who remember, however much life distracts us, the simple pleasure of that walk to the 'G, those precious few hours when nothing else matters.

Thanks for reading in 2014. The Smother salutes you.

September 25, 2014: A spot on the list...

In the heart of the best week of the year, when football is everywhere and there's no bad games, it was a hero of years gone by that returned to the limelight.

Nestled awkwardly next to the Monash Freeway and miles from a train station, VFL Park has been the unlikely hero of Grand Final week. Thousands of fans turned out to the venue on an appropriately chilly Thursday to see the Hawks train for the last time, the extra sizzle provided by Cyril Rioli's race against time to snatch a spot in the Hawks 22.

Even despite Tom Jones and Ed Sheeran touring the MCG, all eyes were on the man in the blue vest as he made it through training without issue. His performance creates a selection headache for Hawthorn, with 23 men pushing for 22 spots.

That means, unfortunately, that just like the wonderful stadium that used to exist around Hawthorn's training ground, someone might be forced to miss out. Rioli's flashy skills are like the central location and retractable roof of the Docklands dome, and Jonathon Simpkin may be left, like ol' Waverley Park, without a spot on the list.

September 23, 2014: The papers write themselves...

The day after the Brownlow, and normally the papers write themselves. A few pictures of the winner, a bit of back story, and then opinion pieces about how the Umpires have no idea and that 3-2-1 voting system doesn't work.

This year it was much the same, with the added focus on Gary Ablett potentially winning a third medal and Nat Fyfe winning despite being suspended. The whole thing would have been written and prepared, with a few underpaid interns left to insert the winners name and send it to the printers. Until Matt Priddis had his say.

Priddis came from the clouds to claim football's top prize. No one, least of all Priddis himself, saw the medal sliding awkwardly over his blonde locks - and all of a sudden the entire paper had to be re-written. Fyfe wasn't the third ineligible winner, Gary wasn't a three time champion. All of a sudden, the story of the day was whether the All Australian Selectors should be sacked and excommunicated for failing to include the Brownlow winner in the team.

One images a half-cut Mark Robinson swearing as he jogged along Southbank from Crown back to the Herald Sun towers, cutting a terrifying figure in the Melbourne night. I guess that's footy.

In the news...
Simon Meredith, Matt Stevic and Matthew Nicholls will be the three men in green who ruin Saturday's Grand Final. Chelsea Roffey has missed out on a spot and will be the emergency goal umpire.

September 22, 2014: Disrepute...

Footballs night of nights is finally here. Of course, all that glitz and glamour - the unrivaled decadence of the Palladium Room - is well beyond the average footy fan. Nope, we're a pie and sauce bunch and we're proud of it. There's no need to panic though, or feel left out, because as much as the Brownlow is a night for the women and the Dyson Heppell's of this world, it is also about sport - there is a competition on the running sheet and with God as our witness we will watch it. Oath, we'll do more than just watch it, we'll watch it with a froffy. Hell, we'll even bet on it. Because we are men. Men who drink and gamble and can't tell the difference between shampoo and conditioner and don't even care.

That's why the ads, which are sure to be both long and frequent, will no doubt feature a sizable sampling of the above. Tom Waterhouse will probably be there for no reason, Crown logos will feature prominently, the Sportsbet guy will be yelling at you. The time left over will be used to praise the joy of a fresh cold beer or something smooth spirit mixed with Coke rendering whatever spirit it was irrelevant.

And after all that, any player who happens to overindulge - to not heed the microscopic suggestion that one enjoys that product in moderation - will be heavily sanctioned. They, after all, will have brought the game into disrepute.

In the news...
Sydney will play Hawthorn in the AFL Grand Final. There's heaps of new about that here.

September 19, 2014: Footy focus.

What do you write about at the end of a week like this? In reverse order, we've seen: Essendon comprehensively banished from the Federal Court, with only ASADA's legal costs as a reminder that they were ever there; Guy McKenna's future as Gold Coast coach under the microscope; Patrick Dangerfield apparently looking for a trade, then not; Brenton Sanderson sacked and the coaching merry-go-round in full swing. The list could go on.

But let's not.

Instead, we should remind ourselves that this is all at the periphery. It sells papers, yes, but it doesn't win Premierships. What matters, at least insofar as we're going to write about, is that in a few hours time an Umpire will hold aloft a red piece of leather and slam it into the turf. For 3 hours, we can forget about court rooms and reviews, about external judgement. All that will matter is the two teams and the ball. And that's wonderful.

By Monday we will know, finally, just who will feature in the Grand Final. We will be in the midst of the best week of the year in the best city in the World.

That's what we want to focus on.

September 18, 2014: The luck of the Irish...

Despite finishing fourth, and being booted from the competition before the final extravaganza, Irish ruckman Padraig Lucey became the first player from Foxtel's reality TV series The Recruit to find his way on to an AFL list.

While the final three contestants were preparing to face their future at the live finale, Lucey was strutting around Geelong in his newly acquired Cat's jumper, safe in the knowledge that he had already claimed the prize that those who had outlasted him were still competing for. When Johann Wagner was confirmed as the first 'official' winner of the show, only Port Adelaide, Gold Coast and GWS offered themselves as potential homes. The lifelong Power supporter chose Alberton, and will join Lucey in the AFL next season.

The show was a ratings success, and an enjoyable watch. However, given that the winners of similar programs in cricket and soccer produced winners who never played first grade for their clubs, it will be very interesting to chart the success of Lucey and Wagner into the future.

In the news...
It's been a big 24 hours for former Crow Simon Goodwin. After being linked to the vacancy created by the hasty eviction of Brenton Sanderson at Adelaide, he has signed on as Paul Roos' successor at Melbourne. The Swans have confirmed that they will release assistant Stuart Dew should he be offered the top job in Adelaide.

Also in Sydney, Nick Malceski is expected to play in the preliminary final, despite suffering a hamstring injury two weeks ago.

GWS Ruckman Jonathon Giles is seeking a trade after a lack of opportunities at the Giants. The 26 year old apparently wants to return to South Australia.

September 16, 2014: A head made of tissue paper...

Late on the scene, airborne and dangerous. Brent Harvey will tonight front the AFL tribunal in the hope that this weekend will see him take part on a preliminary final, rather than spending his fourth week in the last five as a bystander; a man deemed too dangerous to take the field.

In his corner, we learned last night, will stand the only casualty of his crime. Joel Selwood confirmed that he will attend the hearing, giving evidence that - despite an expletive-laden diatribe given to the umpire at the time - the hit was an accident: "Those collisions happen throughout the night, we've all seen it, it was very minor" he told Footy Classified.

It is in that description that we find the only realistic defense available to Boomer. Though - as Nat Fyfe's naked neck on Brownlow Night will be able to attest - an accidental head clash is no defense, if it can be deemed minor, that is below the force required to constitute a report, Boomer can walk.

Of course, that requires one to ignore the claret that streamed from Selwood's head. The vibe on that seems to be that that particular part of Joel Selwood is made of the same tissue paper they use on the banners, and that a strong breeze could be enough to see him bleeding. One has to suspect it will be unsuccessful. The rules as they stand are pretty damning.

But this is not a court of law, and public opinion will weigh heavily on the judiciary. With Chris Judd among the many names vocally in support of Harvey, who knows?

In the news...
18 year old Saint Blake Acres has signed a new deal that will keep him at the club for the next four years.

Bomber Thompson has revealed he is likely to stay at Essendon next year - as soon as they find a job for him. The Premiership coach will step-aside to allow James Hird to return to the top job, but could prove an asset as a tactically minded waterboy.

And for the technologically minded footy fan, Etihad Stadium has announced it will install a new high-tech wifi system for fans. "(The AFL is) determined that AFL fans remain at the forefront of new technology to access our game in every way possible" said Gillon McLachlan of the decades-old wifi technology, which will allow fans to post more angry tweets about the price of everythign at Etihad stadium.

September 15, 2014: Can't take your eyes off it...

Twists and turns, momentum swinging with a temperamental breeze. We've washed ashore this Monday from a weekend that delivered beyond its obligation, a weekend that never read the history books. It delivered surprise in spades, a pertinent reminder that despite our petty gripes - the magnetic appeal of our native game has not abated. 

What we witnessed was victories for electricity over austerity, frenetic pace over stone walls once considered too big to be broken. In North Melbourne we saw a team sprinting through a marathon, their seemingly unassailable advantage almost conquered in a final quarter that must surely have been one of the greats. It was punctuated, almost necessarily, by confounding decisions - the officiating was guilty, but so were the players. In the end, only a goal separated them.

On the other side of the country was a different story. For a half, the famously dour Dockers strangled Port Adelaide. At one stage they lead by 5 goals over a team that managed only 3 in half a game, and then something switched. Ross Lyon's impenetrable fortress succumbed. 12 goals later, all Lyon could do was assess a season that had slipped through his fingers. Nobody saw it coming.  

North will travel to Sydney for a Friday night preliminary final, while Port Adelaide will play Hawthorn at 4pm on Saturday. Perhaps rightfully, the timing of a latter was contentious - but if we learned anything this weekend, it's that whenever this new administration decide to bounce that ball you can't afford to take your eyes off it. 

In the news...

Boom Boom's return to the Kangaroos lineup may be short lived, the pensioner being issued a one match ban for a high hit on Joel Selwood. The Kangaroos are believed to be appealing the decision. 

The Federal Court will on Friday hand down its findings in Essendon's case against ASADA. It is not yet known whether the result will be broadcasted live, though the 1:30PM kick-off may frustrate Channel 7. 

Geelong ruckman Dawson Simpson has been caught drink-driving, the club is yet to decide on an appropriate sanction, though the TAC are disappointed. 

September 11, 2014: An actual Lion...

A real lion? Like, an actual, real-life, god damn lion.

I hope we've finally made it, that fantastic point in AFL history when the quest for matchday experience has finally jumped the shark lion and we can get back to, you know, watching footy.

It began, as most crazy ideas tend to, in Adelaide. Gil McLachlan has become so enamored with the Power fans pre-match Never Tear Us Apart karaoke session that he has issued an edict to all clubs to lift their matchday experience to that level. While GWS may struggle to engage the seven people who attend their games to create an electric atmosphere, and Melbourne clubs have complained that the MCG and Etihad still refuse to let them do much in the way of atmosphere, the Lions took it seriously.

Those whacky Queenslanders, an actual lion at a football game.

In the news...
Martin Gleeson and Tyson Goldsack highlight today's re-signings, while Jack Newnes has also agreed to stay at St. Kilda.

Ben McEvoy has survived an appeal and will be allowed to play in Box Hill's preliminary final on Sunday. Williamstown's appeal was rejected, despite McEvoy only playing 5 of the required 6 VFL games to qualify for finals.

The Dees have opened negotiations with Nathan Jones, hoping to secure the bald former captain through their rebuild.

September 10, 2014: Take the contract away

Covering the AFL can sometimes require cunning and nous. Hiding in garbage cans, scurrying about the bars outside AFL House and picking up suspicious packages from secret locations, all in the hope of landing that scoop that will get you the back page and the front page and most of everything in between.

There are other times, however, when it is mere regurgitation. No doubt the Herald Sun, for example, will already have articles penned to run the day after the Brownlow - opinion pieces about how the current system doesn't reward the best players - in which only the names have to be inserted prior to print. The same goes for pre-season articles about the value of free agency, the length of the season, the equality of the fixturing and the draft etc.

At finals time, thanks largely to an ACCC without any bite and those opportunistic fiends at Ticketmaster, these boilerplate stories revolve around the gouging of fans with a myriad of fees and charges. This year it's a $6.50 booking fee that has fans up in arms - and rightly so. We would love to wax lyrical about how if a charge is unavoidable for the consumer, it's actually part of the price, but instead we're putting a call out to Mark Evans.

Mark, if you're listening, get back to the lab. Surely, after you've put microchips in everything you can find a way to take the contract away from Ticketmaster?

In the news...
Perhaps due to lack of interest, the AFL has been given a promise that no-one else will use ANZ Stadium before the Swans Preliminary Final, meaning the surface might be somewhat acceptable. If only there was a nicer ground, closer to the city and more appropriately sized.

Award Season - Despite being suspended twice in 2014, Nat Fyfe hasn't lost any friends among his colleagues, taking out the Players Association MVP last night.

Injuries - Hayden Ballantyne heads the list, while Luke McPharlin, Steve Johnson and Hamish Mcintosh are other big stories heading into the semi-finals.

September 5, 2014: Lumumbawumba...

Oh, Lumumba. 

You, Sir, are a hero. The things you stand for, the causes you advocate - a hell of a lot of people will thank you for it. There are gay people everywhere, gay people who have copped the kind of behaviour you've stood up against for their whole lives, who will applaud you. They don't deserve it, just as you don't deserve the chorus of 'get over it' that will come your way.

But it won't help you. 

We live in a country that, unfortunately, won't respect your actions. They won't be offended by a gay joke and won't understand how you - or anyone else - could be. It's a land where empathy is 'soft' and standing for something is sanctimonious. It's a shame, but it's the way it is. 

For what it's worth, we're with you.

In the news...

Fremantle has finally made it to Sydney after their flight was cancelled. Sources report that this mornings second attempt left 2 minutes early.

Daniel Jackson has shockingly retired from AFL football after a training injury this morning. Richmond are yet to confirm who will take his place for their clash with Port Adelaide.

And bad news for North, with Lachie Hansen's season apparently over due to a hip injury.  

September 4, 2014: Shut up and take our players...

I love Jack Frost. From obscurity he has thrived, transforming with ease into a mainstay of the often under siege Collingwood backline. His early season form was All Australian worthy. He's a star. A legend. The future. I love Jack Frost.

So with today's news that his younger - if not as amusingly named - brother Sam wants a trade from the Giants back to Melbourne, the only real question is whether any price is too high. Pendlebury? Swan? Beams? Elliot? As far as I'm concerned, they're all on the table. The only thing better than one Frost is two.

Seriously GWS, shut up and take our players.

In the news...
Jamie Bennell has signed a two-year contract extension at the Eagles. The former Demon played 19 games for the Eagles in 2014.

Hawthorn are preparing Cyril Rioli for a potential return in the preliminary final. "It's always a risk when you've got guys coming back from a soft tissue injury" said coach Al Clarkson.

Matt White will take the field on Sunday after he trained with Port's main group yesterday.

September 3, 2014: Taylor Made

One for the little men! At 173 cm, Lewis Taylor was not built for AFL. His stature saw him relegated to number 28 in the draft, despite captaining Vic Country and winning All Australian honours as a junior. The concern about recruiting a small man has hopefully been put to bed, as Taylor today walked away with the NAB Rising Star.

Winning by one vote from Bulldog Marcus Bontempelli and 7 ahead of North's Luke McDonald sees Taylor walk away with the Ron Evans Medal and $20k. For the rest of us little men, even those a little long of tooth and wide of belly, he has provided some hope for a brighter in the future.

It's a tall mans world, but some of us break the mould.

In the news...
James Kelly has conceded that the ground is the place for him after an attempted speccy saw him treated for an injured ankle. Cats do always land on their feet, but it's not always a comfortable landing.

Are you already bored of having to talk to friends or leave your stinking basement? Finals Fantasy might be for you.

September 2, 2014: Carn the Pies

Great news Pie Fans - The Black and White will feature in Finals Football. Yes, it's not quite the finals appearance we'd hoped for. There will be no Swan, Pendlebury, Beams etc. But the Black & White will be there, and isn't that what really matters.

Port Adelaide will be wearing the famous Magpies jumper following another piece of Mark Evans problem-solving. After Evans' nonsensical edict was issued to Port Adelaide to wear their away strip for a home final against Richmond, Port Adelaide responded first with confusion - given their jumper looks nothing likes Richmond anyway - before submitting their Port Magpies jumper, which was accepted despite arguably being more confusing than the normal home jumper.

Not that we care about the mechanics, we're just happy to see the Magpies in September.

In the news...
Alex Silvagni will replace the injured Michael Johnson for Fremantle's qualifying final. "It's not the ideal scenario for us, but it's not something we're dwelling on" grumbled coach Ross Lyon.

Paul Roos is furious at two of his players who dressed as Rolf Harris and a young girl for Mad Monday celebrations. Several newspaper editors were pleased with the costumes which saved them from doing any real journalism that day.

And Carlton capped off its Mad Monday by delisting a bunch of players, the names are here.

September 1, 2014: Egg on our face..

Never before have circumstances demanded a Smother issued as reticently as this one. We are ashamed, embarrassed, terrified; we are dogs that defecated on the carpet, a teenager caught out in a passionate moment self-love. The Smother is sorry, The Smother was wrong. The Smother feels the shame.

Yes, all of our predictions of a violent Tiger Train derailment at Homebush on Saturday were wrong. The yellow and black locomotive has bustled on, taking the front-page of every newspaper and the lead story on every news bulletin in their wake. The Tiger Train is full, bursting at the seams. It's electric, booming, armed and dangerous.

So we're sorry. We doubted you, and there's egg on our face.

The Smother Letters

"I’ve been trying via Twitter and Facebook to have Broomhead nicknamed Basil. Broom-Brush-Basil – boom, boom!
I’d appreciate you help in this important task."

We're on board, Bryce!

In the news...
The latest victim of the Tiger Train is Port Adelaide's jumper, they've been forced to wear a clash strip for Sunday's clash.

The Brisbane Lions have cut the contracts of seven players from the team that beat Collingwood by 10 goals. Andrew Raines, James Polkinghorne, James Lisle, Patrick Reardon as well as rookies Nick Hayes, Sam Michael and Isaac Conway have been delisted.

And the prospect of rain has caused concern in Sydney regarding the surface at ANZ Stadium. A non-turf expert might wonder why they built a ground that can't handle rain and chose to hold winter sports there, but we won't.

August 29, 2014: A year in review...

This is the last Smother for August. The last Home & Away Smother for 2014. The last Smother that will be written this year before a Collingwood game.

As frustrating as it's been to watch the Black and White fade from a top four chance into bottom half obscurity, it hasn't been without it's highlights. Clinton Young's dropped mark against Gold Coast vindicated my avid stance on him being, well, not very good. Jack Frost has continued to impress and I think I love him. Broomhead's humorous last name continues to elicit joy.

Alas, we must look forward to the future. Where does this Collingwood team sit? It's hard to say. Next year will be critical to confirming the direction - we should either go down to the lower reaches of the ladder, or climb toward sixth or so. Existing in football purgatory -  8th - 10th - is a recipe for going nowhere. Just ask Richmond...

In the news...
Brenton Sanderson will give his players the mushroom treatment concerning the Gold Coast v West Coast result, insisting that they must focus on their own game if they are to nab 8th spot. "We've got to ensure that our group is totally focused on starting well" said Sanderson.

Meanwhile Adam Simpson is in a different camp with his Eagles. "There is no doubt the guys will be watching, I wont stop them from watching the games" he said.

And in Friday fluff, Port Adelaide have been granted permission to play INXS' Never Tear Us Apart before its home finals. "it's a terrific coup for supporters" said CEO Keith Thomas of the decision.

AND it's Supercoach Grand Final week - Teams are here. Remember to shower.

August 28, 2014: Maximise the heartbreak

Is there a special on yellow ink at the moment?

I only ask because, at least so far as the Herald Sun is concerned, there has been no news this week that doesn't concern Richmond. Richmond on the front, Richmond on the back, Richmond dotted throughout the middle. It's been going on for days, all in anticipation of a heartbreaking defeat at the hands of Sydney.

There's two ways to read it. Either The Herald Sun are with the Tiges and want them to succeed, or they, like me, just want the Tiger fans to get as excited as possible - maximising the heartbreak.

In the news...
The ACCC has issued a warning notice to the AFL for misleading advertising over the requirements for members to purchase a reserved seat. The rest of the rorting, however, is apparently okay.

Adam Kennedy, Nick Haynes and Rory Lobb have all extended their contracts at The Giants. "Rory, Nick and Adam have shown great faith in club" preached GWS CEO Dave Matthews (not the one with the band).

Justin Leppitsch is concerned that the Rising Star judges aren't bothering to watch Brisbane games. "A lot of these selection committees, there isn't a Queensland voice on them" said Leppa, subtly.

August 27, 2014: Smells like cat vomit...

Sometimes the truth is better than any parody could even hope to be. So it was when Adelaide Crows defender Daniel Talia was pulled over by South Australian Police in February.

Talia was clocked at 96km in a 60km hour section of Adelaide's Southern Expressway. But he is a defender by trade, and a crafty one by nature. Appearing in court today, Talia declared that the reason for his leadfoot was a violentally ill pet cat in the backseat, which distracted him from a reduced speed sign.

Despite this unique defence, Talia was still fined $800.

In the news...
Nathan Buckley has issued a vague threat to the Hawks ahead of Friday's night 100+ point thrashing at the MCG: "I would suspect you want to win games of football no matter when you play them" said Buckley, before retiring to a banana lounge.

In news that will concern no-one outside a few in Fantasy Grand Finals, Marc Murphy is still hopeful of playing against Essendon on Sunday.

While Ross Lyon says that his star forward Matthew Pavlich must get through tomorrow's training if he is to play against Port on Saturday.

August 26, 2014: Likely finish...

Redemption and heartbreak. Come Sunday, Richmond's season will have both in equal measure. The awfulness of the loss to Melbourne, the entire early season stretching into almost crippling crisis. Almost.

Then came the great run, a team transformed from a hideous rabble into an indomitable force. Opponents felled with ruthless precision, rungs on the ladder scaled, commentators forced into embarrassing flip-flops. It was a sight to behold, those long-suffering inhabitants of the Punt Road End slowly began to believe.

That belief is so strong that some are now even daring to dream. Sydney, sitting happily atop the ladder and Premiership favourites, could it be possible?

No. No it isn't. All of that hope, this most sensational recovery will all come to nothing, derailed at the final hurdle and left to rust in a pile of broken dreams. Getting so close, yet still so far. It's so wonderfully Richmond.

Likely finish: Ninth.

In the news...
Stevey-J is unlikely to be available for this weekends Fantasy Footy Grand Final round, Chris Scott confirming the Cats are unlikely to risk their star this close to finals.

Dayne Zorko has helped out the Lions recruiting staff by reeling off a list of names he would like to join the club in 2015; Gary Ablett, Dayne Beams and Matt Priddis are all on his list.

Premiership Players Josh Hunt and Steven Gilham have both announced their retirements. The two were united at GWS after winning medals at Geelong and Hawthorn respectively.

August 25, 2014: The real victory...

Courageous. All heart. Inspiring. The kind of win you can build a future on.

It's only been 2 sleeps since IT happened. Perhaps the greatest win in the history of competitive sport, Collingwood - down and out, backs to the wall - came from nowhere to to secure a win that nobody pretty much everyone predicted. A courageous win against the unbeatable mediocre, full-strength injury plagued, finals bound lower-placed Giants.

How, somehow, limping to victory over a hapless expansion club minus their Captain and best player is the greatest achievement in the history of mankind I can't explain - but at least it's some good news about Collingwood in the paper. And that's the real victory.

In the news...
Demon Nathan Jones is the only player in the naughty corner after this weeks MRP sitting. Jones was fined nearly $2k for making contact with an umpire.

The Recruit draft rules have been announced, with the live final playing host to a 3-2-1 voting system from each AFL club, before each are invited to express their interest in recruiting him. The winner will choose which club he goes too.

And a moron has been charged by Police after racially abusing Sydney players during their match on the weekend. Read more here.

August 22, 2014: No one does it better...

Where on Earth is Mark Evans? The AFL's resident mad scientist has popped up with increasing regularity in 2014 season with high-tech solutions for everything from a locating the ball, put cameras in everything and even lighting up the goal posts to protect us from the crisis of goals kicked after the siren. Yet, here we are, facing a severe bout of emotional turmoil, and Evans is nowhere to be seen.

The 2014 Brownlow is apparently set to be a farce. The winner will almost certainly be stripped of his prize, in a haze of controversy despite him being suspended twice. Ablett is another chance to win, yet he perhaps also should have been suspended for an errant elbow earlier in the season. It's going to be an emotional battle that might end up in court. Yet, nothing from Evans.

How about if during the count, suspended players are forced to wear a red vest that lights up whenever they receive a vote? Or a convoluted preferences system where their votes are passed on to to a pre-agreed player based on a factional alliances? How about if we had one round where the umpires votes could be subbed for those of a random spectator?

These ideas may sound ridiculous, but ridiculous is Evans' game - and no-one does it better.

In the news...
Collingwood may unleash Alex Fasolo as a full-forward after their plague of injuries has robbed them of a forward line.

George Horlin-Smith has been withdrawn from the Cats clash with the Hawks this weekend, while Shane Savage will miss for the Saints loss to Richmond.

Teams are here for Supercoach Prelims. Up the Pies.

August 21, 2014: When in Rome...

Port Adelaide have taken a unique approach to their upcoming battle with Carlton, vowing to beat Mick Malthouse at this own game by being 'crazy in defence.'.

"We need to really wind it up. We need to be crazy in defence" said Port's football director, Shaun Hart. While he digressed on to more sensible matters, like stopping Judd and Murphy for running rampant and obliterating their top 4 hopes, we decided to consider the Blues other defence - that of Jeff Garlett and Mitch Robinson - after the former was charged with affray as part of a street fight.

In a case such as this, sometimes you just need to plead guilty and try your luck on mitigating factors. Factors like being employed by an organisation that also employs the photography skills of Josh Bootsma and the general meat-headedness of Mitch Robinson. We shouldn't forget this is a club famous for rorting and cheating wherever possible.

We're not sure the judge will agree, but perhaps it's worth suggesting that all that King Street witness on that night was a case of 'when in Rome...'

In the news...
Extra Miles - Tiger Anthony Miles has signed a two year deal, securing his promotion from the rookie-list in 2015.

The leagues most famous knee injury, Anthony Morabito, has signed a deal with Fremantle that will see him sit outs large portions of next year with injury.

And a Smother applause for Ash McGrath, who has announced he will retire after this weekends game. McGrath played 213 games for the Lions, including the 2003 flag.

August 20, 2014: Stomping on chips...

So, imagine you're eating a bag of chips. You offer one to the bloke next to you, only for him to take it, throw it on the ground on stamp on it. He asks for another one. You, assuming maybe the first one was an accident, oblige him. He throws that one on the ground. Then he asks for a third, you give it to him. Sure enough, that chip too is stomped in to the floor.

Now, do you give Melbourne another priority pick?.

In the news...
Our favourite senile senior citizen is at it again. Madhouse has this time declaring his love for taggers. "There is a place for taggers. We're not all gifted like some of the superstars." he said in his weekly counselling session.

Best and Smartest? Ross Lyon believes that Nat Fyfe must be smarter in order to avoid losing more Brownlow medals. "In the heat of the moment, it doesn't take much to go wrong and find yourself in trouble" said Lyon.

Crows Defender Matthew Jaensch has re-signed at the Crows until 2016. "I'm really enjoying my footy" he said, echoing the sentiments of every player this season to sign a new deal.

August 19, 2014: It's Time

It's time. For too long we have accepted mediocrity and disappointment, all served maliciously under the guise of competition. We've been ripped off, forced to endure games like North Melbourne v Footscray where the result is all but predetermined and no-one cares anyway, all out of some apparent need to present a fair and equal competition for all teams.

It's time that the AFL finally understood and accepted it's role as first and foremost a provider of entertainment. Rather then wasting our time with these non-events, the league should embrace a WWF style of administration. Concocted close finishes, stunning comebacks, third teams entering play because they have a beef with the champions. It would just make for better TV viewing.

Failing that, given that Collingwood will probably lose to Hawthorn by 2000 goals in round 23, we should just play Strauchnie at centre half forward.

In the news...
Stevey J is likely to miss for the cats this week, but Bartel should return. The Cats play Hawthorn on Saturday night.

Michael Barlow will miss the end of the Home & Away season with a thumb injury. He should return for finals.

Nat Fyfe will challenge his two-game ban at the tribunal. An unsuccessful appeal would make it very hard for his management, who are currently proposing a legal challenge to the rules of the Brownlow Medal.

August 18, 2014: Football is a stupid game

Football is a stupid game and I don't care for it all. For Christs sake, how did Collingwood manage to assemble a team of professional footballers who can't kick? When you think about it, it's actually quite an achievement. 40 odd people, some of whom previously could kick, all of whom made it to a professional draft, yet by some miracle of science, in the space of a few short months, none of them are able to hit a target - even meters away with no-one around them.

I'm done.

In the news...
From the MRP: The AFL can probably afford to rotate the Docklands Stadium with all the fines issued, but the relevant news is two weeks for Nat Fyfe, a week for Daniel Wells and straight to the tribunal for Daniel Wells.

The Crows have issued the AFL with a please explain after a Rory Sloane goal was overturned in controversial circumstances during their loss to Richmond.

Swan Josh Kennedy will only miss a week with his hamstring injury, meaning he'll be available for the all-important SuperCoach Grand Finals next week.

August 14, 2014: Toot, Toot.

Occasionally in this business, you are handed a gift. The source is hard to define, its almost spiritual. One moment you're sitting around wondering what you could possibly be write about; what you can possibly say about this game that hasn't already been said, the next, you are relishing a piece so god damn enjoyable that you can't even sit down.

How else can you describe Ricky Nixon but a gift from the football Gods? A little bit Warwick Capper, a little bit Tiger Woods, Nixon is everything a blog that focuses on the humorous side of our game could ever ask for - and he's back.

The Age reported this morning on an alleged Port Melbourne street fight between Nixon and Gary Ablett Snr. Though Nixon has dismissed the allegation as "crap", investigating such matters is well beyond the remit of this humble publication. We're just glad the Chicken Train is back in the news.

Toot Toot.

In the news...
Stevey J will miss the Cats clash with Carlton this weekend as he recovers from foot soreness, at least according to Tom Lonergan.

Daniel Wells is a chance to return for North Melbourne this weekend, in what will be his first game since round 5. Wells copped a kick to the shin in the VFL last week, but is apparently okay.

Meanwhile it's good news at VFL Park, with Jack Gunston's recovery from a knee injury progressing faster than expected. He is a chance to play this weekend.

August 13, 2014: Get off my lawn...

One suspects is not often that Gillon McLachlan is compared to Clint Eastwood. The polo playing executive would probably find a difficult to gather the requisite toughness of the super-buff film star, while Eastwood, one imagines, might struggle with the finer points of the MRP (any more than the rest of us? - Smother Ed).

Today though, Gil could do well to polish up his memory on Eastwood's career - specifically 2008's Gran Torino - as he prepares to go into battle with the MCC, State Government and the administrators of cricket and world football respectively. With the MCG's commitment to World Cup Cricket already delaying the start of next season, Gillon is outraged that the MCG has been booked for two mid-season Friday nights to host soccer matches as part of the Champions Cup Soccer Tournament.

The Tournament, which could feature the likes of Real Madrid, Manchester City, Chelsea and Barcelona, is expected to draw crowds fay beyond the capacity of Etihad Stadium, allowing the MCC to trigger a clause in its contract with the AFL to offer the venue elsewhere.

Of course, in Gran Torino, despite initially demanding that his enemies keep off his lawn, Eastwood goes on to learn a valuable lesson about the value of harmony. Will Gil do the same?

In the news...
Matt White is set to return for Port Adelaide this weekend, according to Port skipper Travis Boak.

Demon Jesse Hogan is set to resume his quest to become almost as dissappointing as Jack Watts. He'll return from injury in the VFL this weekend.

ASADA's still going. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

August 12, 2014: We remain hopeful.

MRP chairman Mark Fraser has come out swinging after claims that, if it were to happen again, Nat Fyfe would not be suspended for the head-clash that now sees him ineligible for the Brownlow.

In the face of a barrage of criticism, and threat of an impossible legal challenge from Fyfe's management, Fraser maintains that the same incident would meet the same decision this weekend. "Absolutely, it's a definite rough conduct charge" said Fraser, "exactly the same penalty would occur."

It was a latter comment from Fraser that will concern clubs though: "we endeavour to be consistent throughout the whole process" he said, marking a significant departure from the incongruous and largely incoherent decision making of recent weeks. Whether this will lead to the MRP making any sense to anyone not sitting on the MRP is yet to be seen, though we remain hopeful.

In the news...
Stevey-J has avoided suspension, but may still be in doubt after being seen on crutches this morning. The AFL is reporting that Johnson was 'hit by soreness'.

Coleman Medal leader Jarryd Roughead has accepted his tripping ban and will miss this weekends clash with Fremantle.

Dane Swan will return for the Pies disappointing loss to Brisbane this weekend. "He feels significantly better" said Rodney Eade.

Monday, August 11, 2014: The Darkest Day in Australian Fantasy Sport

They may call it Fantasy Football, but things are getting very real in the ranks of Supercoach and Dream Team 2014. Yes, while the ASADA court case meanders along, threatening to set records for the most football identities in suits outside of Brownlow Time in history, those sleepless Supercoach's have unearthed their own ASADA scandal.

Legally, of course, we're not sure how much we're allowed to say, but we have it from a reliablish* source that the leader of this years Supercoach and Dream Team competition, C-Money, once hacked a high-school computer system - and therefore should immediately self-report to fantasy ASADA. Matthews12 agrees that "it sounds very dodgy", which we can only read to mean that this is, indeed, the darkest day in Australian Fantasy Sport.

With three weeks to go until the thousands of dollars worth of prizes are distributed, a scandal like this is the last thing that Fantasy Football needs. We hope it's resolved quickly. Of course, it's entirely possible for someone to be both good at computers and Fantasy Football, but that sounds a little far fetched...

*BigFooty is easily in the top 10 most reliable forums about Australian football called BigFooty.

In the news...
ASADA, court rooms, men in suits. It's all here.

Adelaide's Andy Otten fears he may need a reconstruction after injuring his knee against the Lions on the weekend. While Majak Daw's season is over due to a dislocated foot.

Collingwood had a great weekend, defeating Essendon by 17 points at Victoria Park in my new favourite league, the VFL.

August 8, 2014: Sam Newman's Nuts...

Mate, I really wanted to dedicate all of today's Smother to Sam Newman's nuts. After all, they are as synonymous with football as a pie and chips, and they've made at least many appearances as Scott Gumbleton. Alas, what else is there to say? Whilst the letters pages of various publications will fill themselves enthusiastically with reviews and assessments of offending scrotum, we're not sure there's that much to say - it's a show for footballing men, filled with footballing men engaging in the crass humour that appeals to footballing men. If that's not your thing, change the channel. Life can be pretty easy.

On to bigger matters though, and Nathan Fyfe's managers are attempting to somehow appeal his ineligibility for the Brownlow. Fyfe, who is one of the favourites to lead the vote count, is ineligible after a head clash with Michael Rischitelli earlier in the season. Just how Stride Management plan to challenge one of the League's longest-standing rules is unclear, though no-one is ruling out a Change.Org petition and a march on city hall. 

In the news...

Possum-eyes Toovey has called for the league to reintroduce the second-bye after next season. The second bye will not take place in 2015 due to the Cricket World Cup, but Toovey, whose injured back has seem him take a few extra byes this season, has a spiritual argument "the time we had away in that bye gave us a chance to reflect". 

Mitch Robinson has joined Carlton's list of 2014 bad-boys after suffering a fractured eye-socket in the same brawl that saw Jeff Garlett hospitalised. "This type of behaviour will not be tolerated at our football club" joked football manager Andrew Mackay. 

It's Supercoach finals time! Anyone who still cares can see the teams here.

Thursday, August 7, 2014: Make you proud...

Ahhh Richmond. After all the excitement of 2013, when it looked like the Tigers had finally assembled a list that could bring some relief to long-suffering supporters, 2014 was supposed to be the year they climbed to new heights. Of course, that didn't eventuate. Instead, a bout of general poorness struck the list, cruelly ripping away the hopes of their supporters, and greatly amusing everyone else.

Of course, the season isn't over - at least not mathematically. A win this weekend would see the Tiggs within touching distance of the coveted ninth place, an achievement they made their own in recent years. Damian Hardwick, however, isn't worried about finals. "We've just got to make sure we win as many games as we can" said the coach, "and more importantly, play a brand of footy that our fans, supporters and members are proud of".

That's the rub really. When your team promises so much and delivers so little, all you can hold on to is pride.

In the news...
The bearded wonder Justin Westhoff is in doubt to face Sydney with an ankle injury. He tweaked the ankle in training and the call will be made on Saturday morning.

North Melbourne will debut the League's youngest player against the League's youngest club, The Giants, this weekend. Kayne Turner is an 18 year old from the Murray Bushrangers.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014: That's entertainment

Well, well, well. After we went out of our way to give those ungrateful sheep-jumpers a taste of the big time, an actual AFL game between two actual AFL teams. After we went to all the effort of getting passports and legal clearance for St. Kilda players to leave the country - which is not an insignificant task given their recent history - finding goalposts and footballs and all the other detritus. After all of that, they come down and whack our footballers with a tax bill for providing entertainment.

We've got something worked out for the bro's across the water. Next year, we're sending Fremantle to play Melbourne. With the teams unlikely to manage 5 goals between them, let's see them call that entertainment.

In the news...
The Giants are pleased with the response of Toby Greene after his six week ban for punching strangers. "I feel like we got it right" said Callan Ward.

Jason Winderlich has announced that 2014 will be his last season. "I'm certainly going to miss the banter around the club" he said, which presumably means he enjoys conversations about what exactly was in that needle.

Dane Swan may return for Collingwood's trip to Perth to face the Eagles. Swan hasn't played since the Pies round-17 drubbing by Essendon.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014: A travesty of justice...

Following Conca's Bad Fur Day (geddit, 90's kids) yesterday, the big story from the MRP became a shock one-match ban to Geelong's Steve Johnson. Stevey J has been issued the ban for an errant knee which struck the chest of Norf's Scott Thompson, but his coach - whichever Scott it is who wears that particularly shade of blue and white - is less then happy with the incident.

"There's been a travesty of justice here" said Scott, announcing that the Cats would challenge the ban. In this world of chaos, refugees, the Gaza strip, the Bali 9 etc., this may seem live an overstatement. To the Cats, losing a star player on the eve of the biggest game of their season, it's pretty much on par.

In the news...
Reece Conca has been given a 2-match ban for his graceful felling of Devon Smith, Richmond will accept the ban.

Jeff Garlett was put in hospital after a brawl on Lonsdale Street on Sunday Night. Garlett played in the VFL, and was apparently standing outside the bar at 5am when the brawl occurred.

Hawthorn has re-signed Angus Litherland. "I love the club" he said.

Monday, August 4, 2014: Sorry mate, there you go...

Another week, another Richmond player doing something stupid. Reece Conca's Saturday afternoon brain-fade, in which he pursued Devon Smith toward the interchange bench to fell him with an elbow to the back of the head, will be assessed by the Match Review Panel shortly. Depending on their opinion of the impact, predicted to be low or medium, Conca will face a ban of 1-2 weeks.

Conca was contrite on the Sunday Footy Show, conceding that chasing and elbowing Smith was "not the smartest move", when asked to apologise to Smith - as Tyrone Vickery did to Dean Cox last week - Conca was succinct, if not very sincere. "Sorry mate... there you go".

For Richmond, now only 2 games away from another amusing ninth place finish, the loss of two key players for mind-numbingly stupid, not to mention cowardly, acts, will not help. For Essendon, who play Richmond on Friday night, it is a pertinent reminder of the important of vigilance, particularly with Richmond players behind them.

In the news...
Port Adelaide's John Butcher and Jarrad Redden are in hospital with suspected meningitis. Whether or not this is related to the teams on-field choking is yet to be confirmed.

The MCG is confident in it's back-up system after a power outage caused two light towers to fail on Saturday evening. "Pleasingly, the system worked as it should.... the game was not interrupted" said MCC spokesman Shane Brown.

Scott Gumbleton is injured again.  

Friday, August 1, 2014: In Liam Pickering's Wheely Bin...

Poor Pickers. After losing Buddy from his management stables during the week, Scott Pendlebury has also walked out on him, making this week perhaps the most dramatic in management news since a certain curly-haired fella paid a visit to a young friend in a hotel. Though the Pendlebury and Buddy splits were apparently without acrimony, there is a lingering legal battle between Pickering and his former business partner concerning $2m in lost Buddy dollars.

It's great news for SEN, where Pickering will feature tomorrow morning for his weekly segment, as well as Caroline Wilson who presumably is already hiding in Pickering's wheely bin waiting for a scoop. The losers are the rest of us, who will, rather than hearing about football, will have an extra serve of men in suits arguing about money.

In the news...
Teams are here. 'Bout it...

Thursday, July 31, 2014: Perfectly good advertising space going to waste

They want you back. The AFL, under the guidance of Gil, has launched a campaign to drag supporters back to the game. Yes, after a season of dismal crowds, it would appear there is no aphrodisiac like a freezing cold Sunday night in an empty stand for a Collingwood Carlton game, and Gil wants the people back.

The early ideas are promising - less Sunday night and Sundya twilight games, a push for Melbourne clubs to sign members who will actually turn up etc. However one suspects Mark Evans might have been involved in the idea to hold an annual telethon for cheap tickets, and to establish a 'WebJet' type service for centralised bookings (probably with its own sets of fees and charges to add to Ticketmaster's.

The worst part is the continued focus on Matchday Experience - which to those who actually like football means loud things yelling at you every time there is a break in play for any reason. For what it's worth, when I was a kid at Waverley Park, the sepia toned replays of highlights were more than enough entertainment for me. But I suppose that's perfectly good advertising space going to waste.

In the news...
Port Adelaide are in hot-water after one of their sponsors used a rather distasteful term for supporters of Adelaide Crows. The AFL and Port Adelaide have condemned the language, although the deal remains in place.

In better news on that topic, Brendan Goddard has supported the call for a Pride Round. "We want to create a place not only here at Essendon but at the footy where everyone is welcome and equal" said Goddard.

THERE's a game tonight. Teams are here.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014: Killing it at Diamond Valley

For a team without any semblance of a forward line, Collingwood are actually doing okay. Sure the newspapers are taking every opportunity to run hundreds of words on the problems; the lack of scoring, the increasing scores against, the general hopelessness that has gripped the club, but that ignores the fact that we've been competitive without any semblance of a forward line.

We're not alone. Richmond are in the same boat, Vickery was a necessary evil in a dysfunctional forward line. Melbourne have lacked a midfield for years, Brisbane have just lost their only forward, Carlton are pretty much terrible all over the field. That's why we support Nathan Buckley's proposal for a mid-season draft - a chance for clubs hit by injury or general poorness to top up their stocks with players from outside the AFL.

"You've got blokes who are killing it at Diamond Valley or in the SANFL, or in the WAFL and they might have just missed out on being drafted or a rookie-listed player, but they've had a really great start to the season" said Buckley, struggling to deal with a mess of injuries to key defenders leaving him to play players who should probably be in Diamond Valley. In fact, we want it to go another step and allow trading. For example, Collingwood could trade Clinton Young back to the suburban obscurity he deserves.

In the news...
Tyrone Vickery has been handed a four-game ban for clobbering Dean Cox on the weekend. He has accepted the ban and will be available for the Tigers last game of the season, which will hopefully be a playoff four ninth.

Shannon Byrnes, the dual Premiership player at Geelong now at the Demons, has announced his retirement due to injury. The 30-year-old played 131 games.

Crows midfielder David Mackay has signed a four-year deal with the Crows. "All the ingredients are here for something special and I want to be a part of it" said Mackay.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014: Garry might have been in hibernation...

Free Agency has to go, at least according to whichever Scott it is who is coaching Geelong.

Responding to a question regarding James Frawley at his weekly press conference, Scott took the chance to get on his soapbox regarding free agency - specifically the way in which it apparently flies in the face of the league's apparent commitment to equalisation. "I don't think there are many people, maybe other than some of the players, that like free agency" he said, "the easiest solution is to abolish free agency."

But it wasn't just the players who rankled Scott, who when asked about Garry Lyon's remark that the Dees should respond to any attempt to lure Frawley with their own offer to Steven Motlop. "Garry might have been in hibernation for the last four or five years, but Geelong has been attacked pretty hard. Not just at the player level, but with its coaches, its administrators, with its chef at one point".

With the Masterchef final concluding last night, perhaps the clubs could do to re-sign their chefs sooner rather than later.  

In the news...
Tyrone Vickery will face the tribunal tonight after the MRP deemed his punch too grievous for their points system. The incident received nine activation points, the level at which the MRP washes its hands of the whole situation.

Gary Ablett will take on a coaching role with the Suns for the rest of 2014 while he recovers from that shoulder injury. "He just didn't feel right on the weekend" said Suns coach Guy McKenna.

Hawks assistant Luke Beveridge has been poached by the Saints. The 43-year-old will take over as the Saints director of coaching in 2015.

Monday, July 28, 2014: Tyrone-asaurus Wrecks

Few players in the league draw rankle their own supporters quite like Tyrone Vickery. Richmond fans largely treat Vickery with the kind of attitude usually reserved for tax returns; a necessary evil that might pay off one day. Few of them will be sad to see him face an inevitable suspension for clocking Dean Cox on the weekend, but that's not to say the incident wasn't controversial.

Vickery's Sunday apology to Cox, whom he left to be carried from Paterson's Stadium at the weekend was accepted by the retiring big-man, although Cox added that the pair were not the best of mates. Adding fuel to an already raging fire were the Eagles fans, one of whom had a heated exchange with Vickery as he headed to bench.

Here at The Smother we can understand the anger of the Eagles supporters, especially given they were seated in a stadium without cup holders. It is, however, a cause for concern for footballers that irate fans can get so close to the action. Given the esteem in which he is held, one does worry what might have happened had that been a Richmond fan.

In the news...
Patrick Dangerfield has been cleared of any serious damage to his knee after appearing to injure it in the dying minutes of Sunday's night clash with Collingwood.

The rest of the news seems to be about Collingwood being, well, bad. At least it's not ASADA, I guess.

Friday, July 25, 2014: Good heavens, Mark Evans...

Good heavens, Mark Evans. The League's chief tinkerer, who presumably works in a high security laboratory deep underneath AFL House, has appeared with another absurd way to further complicate the game with ultimately useless technology; and this time it's a real doozy.

Teaming up with Victoria University to chase the kind of dream one can only really come up with after too much caffeine and a serious case of relevance deprevation, Evans today announced his latest project - smart balls. "First of all, the chip would be something that could triangulate off players GPS units to give an exact location of the ball at any given time" Evans told an AFL reporter who was presumably hitting himself in the head with the nearest blunt object.

"There are a lot of things you could do with that" he lied, "it could aid graphical images of play, heat maps and things like that. Other than coaching and media processes, it could also be used for things like score reviews".

It's a very high-tech way of saying that Evans has solved another problem that doesn't exist. After all, to get an exact position of the ball, one could simply watch the game. For coaching and media purposes, to see where the ball goes, one could also watch the game. For score reviews, for heavens sake, let's keep doing what we've done for 100 years and pay a bloke to watch the game.

In the news...
In suit news, former Collingwood and Carlton CEO Greg Swann has swanned his way to Brisbane where he will take over as the Lions CEO. "We were unanimous in that decision" said the Lions. While, at St. Kilda, list manager Ameet Bains has been promoted to Chief Operating Officer.

Buddy Franklin has parted ways with manager Liam Pickering, opting for a Sydney-based celebrity management company. Though Pickering refused to comment, we speculate that the lack of front-page coverage since he crashed his car on North Head Road might have contributed.

Teams are here, you filthy Supercoach addicts.

Thursday, July 24, 2014: Off-field defense...

A lot has been said about Melbourne under Paul Roos. Perhaps the most sighted area of improvement has been their defense, the team is now able to stay in games for longer - setting them up for potential victories in close finishes. The demons on-field defense has seriously lifted in 2014.

It is off the field, though, that Melbourne's defense is apparently rather lapse. It may not be costing them Premierships, but it has cost them numerous flags, namely the several Premiership flags that went missing while under the care of the MCC. The missing flags emerged this week when a Moama man was so confident in his ability to elude the Demons that he put the 1948 Premiership flag up on eBay - only to have his house raided and the flag confiscated by Police.

Melbourne are not the only club in this position. Carlton's 1970 and 1972 flags were also stolen, returned years later via Eddie McGuire (with Carlton involved, one can only assume this was a strategy to minimise Capital Gains Tax, but I digress).

Hopefully this event is the trigger Melbourne needs. After all, when you look so far from another Premiership - it's probably wise to look after the ones you have.

In the news...
James Hird is back and the circus is in Toorak to get more footage of him walking near his house. Surely stock footage of the last hundred times would suffice?

Collingwood draftee Matt Scharenberg will play his first Collingwood VLF game this weekend after recovering from injury.

St. Kilda ruckman Tom Hickey will miss the rest of the season. Knee tendinitis will see the 23-year-old's season end early, after struggling to jump for the last two weeks.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014: Each seat will have a cup-holder...

What is left to be said about the new Adelaide Oval. Without doubt the greatest structure in the history of humanity, leaving the Pyramids and the Eiffel Tower as mere reminders of the days before we had an Adelaide Oval. The sheer power of the stadium is so great that it has transcended sport itself, with thousands turning out each week without the slightest interest in football - they just want to be inside. Without a doubt, in a year that has been troubling for the league, the success of this modern day wonder of the world has been a saving grace. The question now is whether or not the football administration can do it again.

Yes, WA State Premier Campbell Newman has unveiled the plans for an $820m, five-tiered 60,000 seater to be built in Perth. Fremantle and West Coast are hoping that the new stadium will be ready for round 1, 2018, and it's list of features are rather impressive. 85% undercover seating, 70 food and beverage outlets, 4G wireless coverage and two of the largest video screens in Australia.

The stadium, provided negotiations between the AFL, WAFL and the Government are successful, will no doubt be celebrated as the best stadium since the Adelaide Oval - bettering it with one feature that no sports fan should have ever had to live without: Each seat will have a cupholder.

In the news...
Probably-soon-to-be-ex-Richmond-coach Damien Hardwick has supported James Brayshaw in his call for a 20 game season. "I don't think there's a sport as harsh and gruelling as ours" he said, preparing for a trip to Perth before playing out a mediocre season with no chance of any success.

Carlton have continued a long tradition of eschewing any development of their own in favour of poaching from other clubs by recruiting former Adelaide executive Steven Trigg. "The pure logic of joining a great club in the form of Carlton", he joked, "I just couldn't get it out of my head."  

And finally, Mitch Robinson has accepted his two match sanction for flattening Leigh Adams who himself accepted a reprimand for striking.

Monday, July 21, 2014: Inexplicable...

Inexplicable. For a few confounding hours on Saturday afternoon, Fremantle entirely forgot how to play football, while St. Kilda forgot they were a team lacking any leadership or direction. It was a massacre, a David and Goliath slaying we haven't seen since GWS over Sydney in round one. Perhaps, it was an anomaly. After all, it was a very strange weekend.

Carlton forgot their awful season and ran rampant over finals aspirants in North Melbourne. GWS nearly followed St. Kilda's upset win with one of their own. Sunday saw both Melbourne and the Bulldogs come agonisingly close to astonishing upsets. On a weekend scheduled to be one to forget, we saw 3 stunning finishes, and two comfortable upset wins.

What does this mean? It's hard to say. Surely, for at least some of Fremantle, Port Adelaide, Geelong and North Melbourne, this was a temporary lapse, induced perhaps by the proximity of a week off. For others, it could signify an inevitable tailing off, the gas running out of tank this close to September. For the fans, it's a reminder that in this league, at this time, nothing is safe. Even the lowly teams are capable of great surprises.


The Monday Wrap
Friday:
Carlton 109 defeated North Melbourne 86
Saturday:
St. Kilda 118 defeated Fremantle 60
Geelong 94 defeated GWS 87
Sunday:
Port Adelaide 72 defeated Melbourne 69
Essendon 101 defeated Western Bulldogs 94

Ladder:
Sydney* - 52 - 143.51%
Geelong - 52 - 112.12%
Hawthorn* - 48 - 139.92%
Fremantle - 48 - 133.16%
Port Adelaide - 48 - 132.36%
North Melbourne - 40 - 112.49%
Essendon - 40 - 109.83%
Collingwood* - 36 - 106.61%
Gold Coast* - 36 - 99.45%
Adelaide* - 32 - 108.38%
West Coast* - 28 - 108.21%
Richmond* - 24 - 100.14%
Carlton - 24 - 91.48%
Western Bulldogs - 24 - 85.45%
GWS - 16 - 73.50%
Melbourne - 16 - 72.98%
Brisbane* - 16 - 63.60%
St. Kilda - 16 - 61.55%

In the news...
Tomorrow night at Geelong, Williamstown and West Perth will battle for the Foxtel Cup. In front of a predicted crowd of 14, the match should serve as a pertinent reminder that this event has failed to attract even a modicum of attention. It could have been so good.

The Lions appear to have found a remedy for the severe bout of homesickness which decimated their playing stocks in the off-season. Rohan Bewick and Nick Robertson have both re-signed with the club.

And MRP news is in - Mitch Robinson has been offered two weeks, and Leigh Adams 70 points for various indiscretions during the half-round.

Friday, July 18, 2014: We love Bob...

Long live the veterans. That is the message from the week, after Boomer Harvey signed on for what must be his seventieth year of senior football, and Bulldog Bob Murphy joined him in playing on well in to old age.

While Mick Malthouse may rally against these pensioners potentially tarnishing their reputations, we love it. Another year of Dustin Fletcher's gangling frame surrounding forwards like an octopus? Sign us up! Another year of Boomer and Ryan Crowley resuming their tense relationship? Yep! Another hundred years of Bob Murphy proving himself as one of the rare footballers who is also an erudite Fairfax columnists - we're in!

What is often ignored in the debate over when to hang up the boots is that often, competition is not simply against the enemy on the field. Sometimes it's a battle with a weary mind or broken body, and watching an athlete push to get the absolute last inch out of themselves can be just as great to watch as those in their prime.

We love Bob Murphy, and even a year spent battling in the twos wouldn't tarnish a well-earned reputation as a silky and gutsy superstar.

In the news...

There is still no clarity on whether James Hird will return to the box for the final round of the season. While his suspension will have expired by then, some contend it could be a distraction for his finals-bound Bombers.

Allen Christensen has been withdrawn from Geelong's 10 goal win over GWS on Saturday night. Apparently he has a flu, though we suspect it was general lack of interest in visiting Parramatta.

And in exciting news concerning men in suits arguing about money, Lord Gil has defended the agreement between Adelaide Oval and its tenant clubs, despite predictions it could sent Port Adelaide broke: "It's good business" he said.

But you don't care, teams are here. Go do Supercoach now.

Thursday, July 17, 2014: Priding ourselves on having cool heads....

Today marks the 100th edition of the Smother, and while we were disappointed with the lack of frivolity and fanfare, we certainly didn't come away empty handed. 

Yes, although the banner we requested didn't eventuate, a Smother favourite remembered the occasion and delivered a press conference that was a gift to any satirical football writer. No, it wasn't Brendan Fevola making a come-back, James Hird having cosmetic ear surgery or Brian Taylor coming out of the closet, but it was damn close - Mick Malthouse taking the opportunity to apologise for his attitude toward the media. 

"My media conferences haven't been picture perfect, and I'm the first to say that" said Mick Malthouse, who was far from the first to say that, before becoming sentimental: "But it's not by design to hurt anyone. It's to finish it as quick as I can and do what I probably do best – that's to have dialogue with players and coaches. I'm probably opening up my soul a bit here. I find it very, very difficult to talk publicly, and I've been doing it for 30 years"

Of course, it would be unlike Mick not to finish with a touch of comedy:

"I pride myself on having a cool head with directives to my playing group under all circumstances"

Thanks to everyone who has read, liked or shared The Smother so far. 100 editions down, hopefully many more to come...
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In the news...
Dane Swan will miss up to a month after a foot injury left him unable to complete his signature turtle-wobble at an acceptable pace. "He needs to reclaim his burst speed" said Rodney Eade.

Josh Gibson is expected to return for the Hawks match with the Swans next Saturday, after recovering from a pectoral injury. The match, a reunion with his old best friend Buddy, is an exciting prospect for Gibson: "I'm really keen to get back out there" he said.

Port Midfielder Dom Cassisi has announced his retirement at the end of the season. "It's time for me to hand the baton on" said the former captain. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014: They know he's leaving...

Make no mistake, Chris Judd will retire at the end of 2014. The chicken-wing champion will have already confirmed it with the club, who are doubtlessly working on a marketing campaign to drag a throb of disenchanted Carlton fans to the MCG for their final round game against Essendon. If Judd's aging frame allows, it will be his last game. If not, they'll be dusting off a topless Toyota for a lap of honour, it's set.

Mick Malthouse, showing a surprising streak of self-deprecating comedy, suggested last week that Judd - and all players - should retire when there's "something left in the tank". The former Premiership coach, who has this year managed to drag Carlton from 9th to 14th on the table, urged players not to tarnish their reputation by playing on too long. Though Judd never achieved the team success that Carlton envisaged, his reputation as a great is firmly entrenched, just as Malthouse's increasing weirdness has entrenched his value to this blog forevermore.

Perhaps the only challenge left for the club is to come up with an appropriate slogan. We suggest "They know he's leaving".


In the news...
Widely rated as the worst Premiership captain in the history of the game, although we disagree, Nick Maxwell is expected to announce his retirement from the game at 2:30 this afternoon. Maxwell played 208 games for Collingwood.

Fresh from some MCG argy-bargy with a confused pensioner last week, Cameron Ling has become to most sought-after assistant coach in league history. The 33 year old 3-time Premiership star at Geelong is reportedly being pursued by Melbourne for a Kirribilli agreement with Paul Roos, as well as his beloved Cats and North Melbourne, where he has been engaged as leadership consultant this year.

The Bulldogs could welcome back Brownlow Medallist Adam Cooney as well as Ryan Griffen for this weekends clash with Essendon. As Collingwood supporters, we would advise the Dogs not to drop their only fit key defender for the match.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014: It's all getting a bit silly.

It's an embarrassment of riches. Late in the season, and with the top 8 as unsettled as in any other recent season, we could write about the race for the flag. We could discuss the ridiculousness behind the moustache of BT, who is clearly struggling to differentiate between a national broadcast and high school playground. We could have theorised on the contents of the menu at last night's coaches dinner at Gil McLachlans.  There is doubtless some joy to be found in riffing on the acrimony between Mick Malthouse and Cameron Ling, with the old fella unhappy about becoming a reality TV star - his less calm moments being featured so regularly on Channel 7's coverage... and the SCG's new Jumbotron. His dimming of lights and creative attempts to obscure himself with sheets of A4 paper proving no match for the crafty Big Brother tactics of the host broadcaster.

So much silliness, yet none of it rivals the sheer joy that this publication draws from the ire between Sydney and Collingwood, or rather, Sydney and Eddie. We've said it before, and we'll say it again, football has so little to do with what happens on the field. The players themselves are mere short-term attention seekers, while the long game is played by rich men in suits arguing over money. In this regard, there is one rivallry which exceeds all others, and that is Eddie and the Swans. What started with a small debate over the cost of living allowance is now a full blown war. John Longmire has refused to have anything to do with Eddie, who in turn accused him of being unaustralian for refusing to be an assistant coach for the International Rules series.

Now Eddie has lined up the Swans Academy, while also refusing to "throw rose petals at the feet of Sydney" while they "march to September glory". It's all getting a little silly, but nearly as silly as the Fairfax journalist who urged Eddie to keep his mouth shut - on the grounds of a correlation between his 2010 quietness and Collingwoods Premiership.


The Monday... uh... Tuesday Wrap
Friday:
Hawthorn 104 defeated Adelaide 92
Saturday:
Geelong 102 defeated Melbourne 36
North Melbourne 92 defeated St. Kilda 33
Western Bulldogs 94 defeated Gold Coast 66
West Coast 76 defeated Brisbane 64
Sydney 122 defeated Carlton 51
Sunday:
Richmond 126 defeated Port Adelaide 106
Essendon 103 defeated Collingwood 39
Fremantle 136 defeated GWS 60

Ladder
Sydney - 52 - 143.51%
Fremantle - 48 - 142.47%
Hawthorn - 48 - 139.92%
Geelong - 48 - 112.39%
Port Adelaide - 44 - 133.89%
North Melbourne - 40 - 115.51%
Essendon - 36 - 110.02%
Collingwood - 36 - 106.61%
Gold Coast - 36 - 99.45%
Adelaide - 32 - 108.38%
West Coast - 28 - 108.21%
Richmond - 24 - 100.14%
Western Bulldogs - 24 - 84.94%
Carlton - 20 - 89.54%
GWS - 16 - 72.50%
Melbourne - 16 - 71.77%
Brisbane - 16 - 63.30%
St. Kilda - 12 - 56.97%

In the news...
Hayden Ballantyne and Thomas Murphy have both accepted their one-match bans for various indiscretions, meaning the tribunal will not sit tonight.

Showing a solid 50% commitment to multiculturalism, the AFL has offered free entry for international passport holidays during this weekend's half-a-round. Paying members will still have to shell out for booking fees, print your own ticket fees, upgrade fees etc....

NOT LENNY! Lenny Hayes has announced that this years Wooden Spoon will be his last. He will retire at seasons end after nearly 300 games.

Friday, July 11, 2014: Bloody Fairfax

Bloody Fairfax. In a year that has been dogged by low crowds, awful fixturing, expensive food and drinks, drug scandals, Richmond, Josh Bootsma, Buddy's driving, Carlton, COLA, the rolling mauls etc etc, there was really only one success story: The Adelaide Oval.

Oh yes, this was a building as revered as the Colosseum or Stonehenge. So stunning, so monolithic and iconic that previously erudite commentators were reduced to blubbering sycophants, only able to riff ad nauseum on the size and beauty of the structure. The football was relegated to the background, a mere cherry on top of the wonder that is Adelaide Oval. No matter who should hold the cup aloft in September, the real winner of 2014 has been a small patch of grass just a short walk from the Adelaide CBD.

At least, so we thought. Fairfax, with their love of ruining all things joyous with scandal-hunting "journalism", through their chief fun policewoman Caroline Wilson, has intervened. In a devastating back page lead, The Age has alleged the stadium deal offered to Port and the Crows will leave the Power broke within three years. What might have looked like the worlds greatest living tribute to all things sport is actually a Frankenstein-esque Leech monster, sucking the viability out of the very clubs it was built to serve.

The deal is set to be re-negotiated, meaning the terms may change. What will never change is this: whenever the League gets something right, Caro will be around the corner to prove that they haven't...

In the news...
Throwing a dinner party is hard work, so having people not show can be frustrating and embarrassing. That's the fate that awaits Sir Gillan on Monday night, with Melbourne and Essendon being the first to decline his offer for a coaches dinner on Monday night.

Sam Fisher will return for the Saints against North in Hobart this weekend. It's Fisher's first game since round 10 last year, and proves that the Saints are either not tanking, or at least that they're not very good at it.

Teams are here. Time to choose someone to replace Ablett as Supercoach captain. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014: All bets are off....

The NRL is caught up in a betting scandal. One player has been suspended for the rest of the season, others will miss two matches, while other staff and coaches have been suspended.

There will be much crowing from AFL heartland, of course. The battle for the moral high ground on such issues has been fought fiercely for years, seen as a barometer for how the leagues are going at convincing mothers that this was the sport for their sons. Every whiff of scandal by one is celebrated by the other, in spite of the growing success of soccer while it is administered by FIFA. To celebrate this, for the AFL, would be shortsighted.

Pretending that the relationship between sports and gambling is a healthy one is willful blindness. It ignores the fact that it is impossible to watch a game of AFL, no matter your age, without being barraged with advertisements for various specials, discounts and the joyous fun of gambling- as well as alcohol and junk food.

When you put finance ahead of community health, the slope is only ever slippery.

In the news...
Adelaide star Patrick Dangerfield looks set to return for tomorrow nights clash with Hawthorn, however defender Scott Thompson still needs to prove his fitness.

Big Bog McEvoy should return for the Hawks, but Brad Hill's knee injury will prevent him from travelling to Adelaide.

Demon defender Tom McDonald has re-signed at the club, along with young midfielder Dom Barry.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014: Daddy, Daddy...

"Daddy... Daddy... can you please do more bets? I want to watch the game".

That's about the only comment I need to make. If Tabcorps offensive proposal to stream AFL games to people who bet enough using their services is accepted by the AFL, we can only assume that Gill's contempt for the health and safety of the fans, and the ethics of the game going forward, knows no bounds.

This is a proposal dragged from the gutter of human decency without any redeeming features. Our game is already excessively cloaked in promotions from gambling companies offering specials indiscriminately yet somehow claiming never to target children. If the line is not drawn here, we are all in serious trouble.

In the news...
Gazza Watch has concluded with the news that the great man will miss the remainder of the season. Brent Macaffer now resigned to facing a sea of angry punters who invested on Ablett for the Brownlow.

Brian Lake will miss four games for his inelegant strangle-hold on Drew Petrie. Petrie was reprimanded for face gouging, but escaped suspension.

Collingwood's little leaper Jamie Elliot will miss Sunday's game with Essendon, as he struggles to overcome a hamstring complaint.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014: Wannabe Magpies...

The AFL has confirmed that the interchange cap will remain at 120 for the 2015 season, despite rapidly shifting opinions on the new rule. Coaches, who had previously opposed a cap - including, laughably, on health and safety grounds - are, according to an AFL survey, largely in favour of a reduction. Retired Lion Jonathon Brown has joined the chorus, advocating a reduction to between 60 and 80 per game.

Brown believes a reduction will cause games to open up in the closing stages, allowing the little guys to get into the gaps as the big men run out of petrol tickets.We agree, but only because we've always been too scared to disagree with someone as big as Brown.

In far more humorous news, however, Punt Road has been embroiled in scandal after a "wannabe" Magpie began swooping patrons at Richmond train station. Though the league has been blessed by a group of wannabe Magpies at Visy Park this season, it appears the disease is spreading.

In the news...
Despite a knock in the VFL on the weekend, Collingwood still believes that Ben Reid will be available for selection this week. "He obviously can't take a trick at the moment, but he's okay" said Rodney Eade.

Adelaide stars Scott Thompson and Patrick Dangerfield will be right to face the Hawks this weekend, shaking off minor ailments.

And despite missing last week and ruining a certain columnists Supercoach score, Matthew Pavlich has re-signed with the mighty Purple. "As long as my mind and body are willing, I'll keep going" threatened Pavlich.

Monday, July 7, 2104: A chokers guide...

Choking; it's a famed concept in sport. Greg Norman, Mark Williams and The Collybobbles are just some of the members of the choking hall of fame - but this weekend we saw two new admissions.

The first was Clinton Young, who - completely free from any inkling of a defender - committed one of the more spectacular failings in recent sporting history. With Collingwood 5 points and Young within easy distance of goals, the mark was an almost certainty for any player with hands. It bounced through Young's hands, he scrambled through a behind and cost his team the 4 points.

Which is embarrassing, but at least not as literal as Brian Lake's choke on Drew Petrie - which will see him sent straight to the tribunal. Lake had a dirty night on Friday night, and a likely suspension is sure to frustrate the coaches at a team already stung by injuries to key defenders.



The Monday Wrap:
Friday:
North Melbourne 108 defeated Hawthorn 88
Saturday:
Richmond 79 defeated Brisbane 54
Adelaide 140 defeated GWS 72
Gold Coast 80 defeated Collingwood 75
Fremantle 97 defeated Melbourne 34
Essendon 62 defeated Port Adelaide 60
Sunday:
Carlton 151 defeated St. Kilda 66
Sydney 79 defeated West Coast 51
Geelong 69 defeated Western Bulldogs 56

The Ladder
Sydney - 48
Hawthorn - 44
Port Adelaide - 44
Fremantle - 44
Geelong - 44
Collingwood - 36
North Melbourne - 36
Gold Coast - 36
Adelaide - 32
Essendon - 32
West Coast - 24
Richmond - 20
Carlton - 20
Western Bulldogs - 20
GWS - 16
Melbourne - 16
Brisbane - 16
St. Kilda 12

In the news...

The Match Review Panel is in: Brian Lake's case has been referred directly to the tribunal, while Tom Rockliff, Brendan Goddard and Josh Kennedy have each been offered a week.

Still no clarity on the severity of Gary Ablett's shoulder injury, with the club taking more time to consult specialists.

Eagle Matt Rosa is in a "a bit of strife" according to coach Adam Simpson. The midfielder is expected to miss "multiple weeks" with a pectoral injury.

Friday, July 4, 2014: Let the games begin...

Sometimes you just need to tell someone. Secrets eat away at us, sharing is inherent to the human experience. In refusing to share knowledge, we engage in the ultimate battle of nature versus nature; it is only our conscience that prevents it.

Even then it's difficult, as the mysterious Dr. Harcourt discovered last year. Facing a panel of FIFA officials, the need to share overcame the good Doctor. He splurged details on the ASADA scandal, which could land him in court. As well as this, he revealed some controversial information about the AFL's three-strikes policy, including that several players had been 'retired', while others had been withdrawn from playing duties to go into rehab.

So the challenge commences. While the AFL's alleged 'matches' take place this weekend, the real battle will be in Caro's library, as she agonises over injury data from recent years looking for players who have missed considerable periods with minor injuries. Let the games begin...

In the news....
Despite the Federal Government's recent attempts to encourage the retention of older workers, Mark Thompson has dropped Dustin Fletcher for this weeks match with Port Adelaide. "At this stage he's one of the emergencies" said Thompson.

Gold Coast coach Guy McKenna has urged his players to attempt to get inside the head of Travis Cloke during tomorrow's match at Metricon Stadium. While this correspondent doesn't see anything wrong with that, there is a lot of space between those ears, defender Lachie Keeffe has retaliated menacingly: "Trav's a big boy, he can take care of himself" he said.

Fresh from making a mess at Zagames, The Giants will welcome Toby Greene back into the side this weekend. Other teams are here.

Thursday, July 3, 2014: An impromptu and wonderful assessment...

Oh Mick, don't ever change. We here at The Smother love Mick Malthouse that much that we have, on multiple occasions, seriously countenanced the possibility of changing this blog to The Malthouse Daily and featuring only excerpts from his press conferences.

Speaking of which, yesterday was a doozy. After lining up free-agency for it's apparent ability to create a two-tiered EPL style league, he then launched into an impromptu - and rather wonderful - assessment of Carlton's playing stocks: "We've got some players that play with a lot of heart, but perhaps the talent level is not quite there"; on Jarrad Waite - "Jarrad needs to come to grips with what we're trying to do here at Carlton"; on Jeff Garlett - "(He) just isn't kicking enough goals. If you kick enough goals and don't defend, you can probably get away with it, but if you don't do either, you don't play".

As usual, the coaching at Carlton was apparently beyond reproach.


In the news...
Rookie Jack Redpath will play his first game for the Bulldogs this week end, with Brendan McCartney hoping for some "intensity and some contested marking" from the 23 year old. While Veteran Dylan Morris has expected to re-sign at Footscray.

Brisbane assistant coach Murray Davis has implemented new training measures to ensure players can kick out from fullback without stepping beyond the goal square as a response to first-gamer Daniel McStay's mistake on the weekend - "We were practicing kicking-in and I was certainly watching Dan closely" said Davis.

Damien Hardwick has criticised the MRP after his defender Steven Morris was given a week for two separate high hits: "The Tribunal is there for a reason and I don't think that's one of them" grumbled Hardwick.