Wednesday, March 26, 2014: Political influence and an advertising budget...

We are all mere oracles, staring into the haunting abyss like Macbeth's witches and prognosticating, loudly and without the requisite information or qualifications. Theories abound with ravenous indiscretion, gnawing at the feet of giants, hoping for a fall. This is how the circus works, hacks of varying repute, sniffing blood and chasing it mercilessly. The detritus of an industry to which media, broadcast deals and exclusivity agreements, have become the staple diet. 

Within the hour, Paul Little will again stick his weirdly lovable head above the parapet, from where he will offer salvation or termination - D-Day, as they will no doubt call it, for James Hird's coaching career. Whatever happens, the cover of the Herald Sun is already dedicated to it. The speculation, the desire to follow the scent of blood back to its owner and chew furiously on the flesh, will continue long beyond James Hird, making the whole thing pretty irrelevant. 

But that is not what I wanted to write about today. 

Because football is football and it will continue. Even if Essendon had injected themselves with the blood of murdered toddlers and spent their evenings in a demented orgy of cocaine and womens clothing, the game will continue. The league, however obsessed with the protection of its 'brand', seem to have found a convenient blind spot behind which they conceal a much more prevalent evil (I may have overreached with murdered toddlers but I'm running late so just stay with me).

Jake Niall in The Age today revealed some startling figures on club profits - specifically those gouged from punters at pokie machines in outer-suburban areas. Hawthorn, for example, drew $4 million from a Waverley Gardens venue. Carlton earned $2.7m, Collingwood are more than invested in the industry. 

How any club, or the league itself, can stand on some kind of moral soapbox over Essendon's doping charges knowing that they're funded up the wazoo by gouging addicts is astounding. 

One wonders what might have happened if Dr. Ageless had political influence and an advertising budget...

In the news...

Paul Little will hold a press conference at 4pm to apparently announce the fate of James Hird. 

Hawthorn's Dayle Garlett has walked away from the club, citing the stresses of an AFL career. Though he will be delisted, the Hawks will be unable to elevate a replacement as the cause is not an injury or illness. Garlett has been picked up by Swan Districts in the WAFL. 

David Swallow has re-signed with the Suns. "I’m really pleased to re-sign with Gold Coast," he said.

And finally, Brisbane's Brent Staker is suffering from a tendon injury and will face an extended stint out of the game. 

Monday, March 24, 2014: In crisis...

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Thursday night review

Oh controversy. That monkey that ambled into Etihad Stadium on Friday night on the backs of Essendon, yet surreptitiously scampered under the door frame of North Melbourne's rooms and left squarely in their possession. Though its ghost still lingers at Windy Hill, and in the Westpac Centre and up north at the Gabba, at the conclusion of round one controversy has made quite a home for itself at Arden Street.

The Kangaroos are in crisis. Let's not forget they've now lost one game in a row, against a side who are likely to finish - barring further developments from ASADA - in the top 4 and with genuine Premiership ambitions. Even the President has heaped the pressure on the Roos, and the coach (for now), Brad Scott, called the performance 'horrific'. Gary Lyon and Damian Barrett went as far as to call it the 'worst performance of the round'

It's hard to believe, given this mess, that North haven't just shut down and re-deployed their players as PE teachers in local schools, hoping to in-time recoup some of the extraordinary losses on players who clearly will never be able to play the game - unless, as we consider likely, they come out next week and beat the Bulldogs while Essendon show the Hawks how realistic their title aspirations are.

That outcome would leave controversy to find a new home, and leave a lot of people looking mighty silly.


Monday Wrap
Thursday:
Geelong 119 defeated Adelaide 81
Friday:
Essendon 99 defeated North Melbourne 60
Saturday:
Hawthorn 139 defeated Brisbane 91
St. Kilda 68 defeated Melbourne 51
Sunday
West Coast 134 defeated Western Bulldogs 69

Ladder:
Fremantle - 4
West Coast - 4
Essendon - 4
Hawthorn - 4
GWS Giants - 4
Geelong - 4
Port Adelaide - 4
St. Kilda - 4
Gold Coast - 4
Richmond - 0
Melbourne - 0
Carlton - 0
Adelaide - 0
Sydney - 0
Brisbane - 0
Western Bulldogs - 0
Collingwood - 0


In the news...
Brisbane's Tom Rockliff has been offered a one week ban by the MRP Sharrod Wellingham has been offered a reprimand, Lewis Johnson and Josh Gibson have been cleared.

Adelaide's Richard Douglas may make a surprise appearance in the first ever Adelaide Oval Showdown. View a strange maybe photo maybe painting of him here.

In proof that Sydney people don't read Melbourne newspapers, the Swans have re-signed John Longmire.

And finally, Matthew Lloyd is confident that James Hird will still coach in 2015 despite the alleged animosity between the Hird camp and Essendon.

Friday, March 21, 2014: A tired father feigning effort...

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Thursday night review

Geelong 119 defeated Adelaide 81

Say what you will about Adelaide. It seems that everyone, Patrick Dangerfield included, has stuck the boot into a club which has gone from within a kick of a Grand Final to a bottom 8 team in a few short months. The club did the impossible at the trade table, in a deal that saw it donate Kurt Tippett to the Swans and cop a fine for its generosity. Left completely bereft of draft picks, a forward line or even the faith of their own captain - at least the Crows have a sense of occasion.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014: Statistically proven terrible ideas

Essendon's potentially temporary coach Mark "Bomber" Thompson has admitted to some nerves before his return to senior coaching against North Melbourne on Friday night. "I'm a little bit nervous, but excited as well, you just don't know how you're going to handle it - you know you've done it before but every time it confronts you, you just say 'I wonder if I've still got it?" he quivered yesterday, perhaps rightly, given the week he has endured.  

The Kangaroos yesterday added another chapter to a Essendon/North rivalry that has been punctuated by idiosyncratic marketing campaigns. Though it's not quite Kevin Sheedy's famous marshmallow diatribe, the Kangaroos yesterday stoked the fire with a proposal that they should be released from the burden of playing the away teams song at home games "as is the case internationally and with most other codes".

Tuesday, March 18, 2014: Something new to talk about...

A new chapter, that's all they've asked for. It's got nothing to do with redemption or forgiveness, there is no amends to be made. Essendon just want something new to talk about.

This was the second year of the Essendon pre-season pantomime, replete with heroes and villains; characters submitting themselves to the judgement of the masses. Distorted, often beyond recognition, by the hazy lens of the various scribes assigned the task of disseminating facts when precious few are known. It's exhausting and obsessive work, you can spend days analysing the various prognostications without realising how futile it all is. Nothing has happened, something might, but nothing has.

Monday, March 17, 2014: Anyone holding their breath has long since dropped dead

"The top four have got every right to think it's between 11 and one, the rest of us ... I would say we're approaching 11 o'clock. There's a lot of sides approaching 11 o'clock. We want to be progressing through 11 o'clock into it. I don't see any reason why that can't be the case. We've got a very good blend of senior players and we've got a good blend in the middle."
Mick Malthouse, Saturday. 

"It's not a matter of whether we're in the window or not, it's a matter of making sure you win enough games of football. The last thing that'll be on our mind or any players' mind is where's the window?"
Mick Malthouse, Sunday

So that's that then, in only a few hours - and following a game in which they were run off their feet by Port Adelaide - Carlton's premiership clock/window is not so much expired as it is now irrelevant. The entire analogy, after forming the basis of his pre-match press conference, was disposed of with the disdain that Malthouse usually reserves for those he's speaking to (or at least a sandwhich-eating cameraman).

Monday, March 3, 2014: At least on par with professional cycling....

So that's that, the inaugural NAB Challenge has been run and won... well, run at least, owing to the abandonment of the NAB Cup, there were no winners. But it happened, and that's got to stand for something.

According to some, who we haven't met but assume exist somewhere in the dark underbelly of AFL House, the 18 games in 18 days format was an unqualified success. Spreading football across the country with games in far-reaching places like Wagga Wagga, Ballarat and even in the sparse docklands of Melbourne is an admirable goal - and we think it's fair to say the event took on a life of its own, well, it at least looked that way from the filthy couches of Smother House.

Speaking of taking on a life its own, we have to spare a thought for Geelong captain Joel Selwood. Selwood was subbed out of the penultimate NAB Challenge match on Friday night after experiencing sentience in his hamstring. "Selwood experienced some awareness in his leg" Tweeted the club, leaving journalists to ask whether the leg was happy at Geelong and if, under the new free-agency agreements, the leg could sign a separate contract and nominate for the rookie draft.

---------------------

But that is all old news now, 11 days before the first (probably diagonal and recalled) bounce of 2014, the Biggest of Cheeses, Andrew Demetriou has announced that this will be his last season at the helm. The man who brought football to the Gold Coast and Blacktown, denied it to Tasmania and is currently engaged in a ferocious campaign to turn the game into a working example of communism will be sorely missed, according to fawning AFL Commission Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick.

"Andrew has been one of the most influential CEOs in our history" he told the waiting media, pointing to the establishment of an integrity unit as one of his crowning achievements. "Andrew has been the first in Australia sport - after the racing industry - to deliver an integrity unit" said Fitzpatrick, suggesting the league was now, in terms of integrity, at least on par with professional cycling. 

Credit should also go to metal health advocate Jeff Kennett, waiting 2 torturous hours after the announcement to get himself in the papers. "I hope Mike Fitzpatrick is also resigning because the AFL commission has been far from active, far from good at upholding good governance and the AFL commission has accepted no responsibility itself for the failing of the code over the last three years" he barked at Fairfax radio.

Still, it would be unfair of us not to give the last word in The Monday Smother to the AFL's CEO of the decade, and certainly the greatest we've seen since Wayne Jackson. "I didn't inject anyone ... it had had no impact on me" said Demetriou of the Essendon scandal, leaving us to wonder whether the league was a little harsh on James Hird. 


In the news...
In the weekends results, Collingwood overcame a 41 point half-time deficit to defeat the Suns by 14 points at Metricon, while the Giants smashed the Saints on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga and Friday night saw the Cats defeat Melbourne by 13.

Meanwhile the ASADA investigation continues to leak like a sieve, with News Limited spending the weekend naming and shaming Essendon players who are under investigation. We have joined Fairfax in choosing not to name the players, our concerns not being the breach of privacy but the refusal of our own Big Cheese to buy us an online subscription to the Herald Sun.

Thursday, February 27, 2014: Stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in

When we here at Smother House needed an automobile to visit friends... qualify for the highly discriminatory Drive-Thru only policy at 24 hour McDonalds, we were determined to do it on the cheap. We purchased a 24 year old station wagon for $600, extinguished the small engine fires, applied copious amounts of duct tape and finally took pride of place in the automotive class.

Of course, as is perhaps to be expected of a $600 24 year old station wagon, it was only a few months before the engine exploded, pumping coolant fumes throughout the cabin and causing no small degree of hallucinations and chemical epiphanies. The wreckers offered us $200, reduced to $150 when they saw the state of the thing.

In football, as in life, you get what you paid for. There are laws that protect you against dishonest salesman or unexpected failures of a crucial nature, but these rights are waived when - having full knowledge of the state of the goods - you still decide to make the purchase. This will be bad news for Ross Lyon when he arrives at Windy Hill with a receipt and a 25 year old tall-forward stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in, as he might just find himself fresh out of luck.  

Limping off the ground in the first quarter of last night's NAB Challenge match was a reminder to always check the repair history, whether you're dealing with used cars or used tall-forwards. Scott Gumbleton's tissue paper hamstrings, which limited him to 35 games over 7 season at Essendon, were well documented enough to make Fremantle's offer a rather radical punt on some expensive and risky machinery.

Despite the injury, the Dockers coach isn't ready to write-off his new investment just yet. "I can't guess what is going through their head but when you invest so much and see that investment slip away in the short term and near term … longer-term all that work is done and it should pay off" he tyre-kicked. 


In the news...
We've laughed, we've cried, we've seen the price and laughed again, cried again etc... tonight Lance Moneyball Franklin will run out in his Swans jumper for the first time in a NAB Challenge against someone or other at Blacktown we think. Sources in Sydney are calling this the biggest event to hit the city since the ARIA's in early December, and are predicting a bumper crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters.

The AFL looks set to allow Marley Williams to play in Collingwood's Gold Coast practice match this weekend, although they will probably ban him from the season proper while he awaits sentencing over his jaw-breaking 'warning punch'. Sensing a chance to continue to be a football writer without having to watch any football, Caroline Wilson had her say too.

Taylor Walker's knee twang has taken on mythical proportions, with Adelaide coach Brenton Sanderson extending the window for when the key-forward might return to AFL. "It could be anywhere between rounds five and 15 and that's serious" he guessed.

Essendon coach Matthew Egan has praised Tom Bellchambers choice of foot-ware ahead of his return from an ankle-twang, expected to be in round 5. "He was walking around in normal shoes last night and a week ago he was in a moon boot" he said, sniffing a pair of dirty socks and leering at the feet of the hosts.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014: Toxic clouds...

The good folk of Morwell are going through some tough times at the moment. The open-cut mine that supplies their power station is on fire, billowing tons of potentially toxic gases into the atmosphere, causing understandable anxiety and illness among the locals. Victoria's emergency services are doing their best to contain the situation and limit the damage, and we here at Smother House think it would behoove Andrew Demetriou to keep a keen eye on that response ahead of his own potentially toxic explosion. 

With the announcement of the leagues new equalisation measures set for tomorrow, we have set the threat level to Extreme and are about to take shelter in our hastily constructed and ill-ventilated bunker. This is the first ever activation of The Smother Public Emergency Warning System (SPEWS). 

SPEWS advises that the highly caustic Edward McGuire is predicted to hit dangerous levels in the coming days. Ember attacks are expected, with the likelihood of a full scale explosion that will send a stream of capitalistic rage high over metropolitan Melbourne, toppling the trestle tables of the Socialist Alliance and flattening most of Brunswick, Fitzroy and Northcote. Take shelter, it is already too late to leave.... 

Poor Eddie. Just like Tony Abbott's cavalier fight against the commie scam that was the carbon tax, Eddie is all lined-up to fight the league's Luxury Tax, a tax that will see Collingwood unable to continually purchase top of the line equipment and therefore hurt jobs and the football economy. While Demetriou never said there would never be a luxury tax under a Government he leads, we can expect no less hostility from McGuire than we got from Abbott. 

For what it's worth, we support Eddie. Why should Collingwood have to give any of the millions it takes in from suburban pokie venues to help the Western Bulldogs buy the occasional football to practice with? We've got our 'Axe The Tax' signs, our fluro vests and we're ready to join the campaign trail... as soon as this toxic cloud clears up...

In the news...

Essendon coach Mark Thompson is full of love for his new signing Paul Chapman - "He didn't know what was going on for a while there did he, Chappy.... I could see him just running around in circles, he didn't know what to do. Couldn't get the ball. When it came to him he even fumbled which I'd never seen him do"

Port Adelaide knocked off Essendon in last night's NAB Challenge match, played in front of 127 enthusiastic supporters. Jay Schulz hurt an ankle and Essendon's Michael Hibberd injured a hamstring, though both are expected to play in round one. 

A crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters is also expected to gather for tonight's grudge match between Fremantle and the Western Bulldogs at the Superdome, and Lance Moneyball Franklin will debut for Sydney tomorrow night against West Coast in Blacktown. 

Bad news at North Melbourne with forward Taylor Garner injuring a hamstring. "We expect that he'll be able to resume full training within four weeks" said Football Director Geoff Walsh.

Brenton Sanderson has revealed part of the Crows secret plan to be more competitive, announcing that they plan to sign better players. "We'll certainly look at players who immediately make us better" he said while declaring the club's interest in Bryce Gibbs. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014: There never was a story of more woe...

"For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Essendon and Demetriou."

Without the family disputes and steady stream of murders, Romeo and Juliet would be a rather mundane tale of two people who met at a party, fell in love and then both died in a tragic case of miscommunication. It is the adversity and struggle, the against the odds nature of their love that makes the story so revered. 

Which is why we were so excited yesterday to see Bruce Reid, Paul Little and Xavier Campbell shaking hands with Andrew Demetriou and his Monatguean deputy Gillon McLachlan on a tour of Essendon's new training facility. Based in Tullamarine, close to Melbourne airport, the new facility was the perfect opportunity to reconcile an Essendon/AFL relationship which has endured more than it's fair share of turbulence - and, in a renewed spirit of re-building, both parties are prepared to put the past behind them. 

"We have to have a strong relationship with the AFL. 2013 was an average year for the relationship. We are about trying to rebuild with them and rebuild in many ways." said Little adoringly, stopping short of apologising for all but challenging Demetriou to pistols at dawn in 2013. For his part, Demetriou has embraced the spirit of forgiveness that encapsulated the giant shed near the airport - "I think the club is genuinely wanting to move forward, as are we." he fawned. 


In the news...

It may have only been a pretend derby, but the ramifications are very real for West Coast defender Patrick McGinnity who will serve a one week ban for rough conduct. Timmy Sumner from the Gold Coast can accept a reprimand, while St. Kilda's David Armitage is contesting a $2600 for inappropriate umpire-touching.

The people's Mullet, Ivan Maric, will miss six to eight weeks with an ankle-twang. "He’s been able to train with it in the last couple of weeks, but he hasn’t been 100 per cent comfortable" said Richmond performance manager Peter Burge.

AFL footy boss Mark Evans will be given more power in the most recent tweaks to the Match Review Panel. The AFL has also promised more clarity on the definition of reckless, negligent and intentional, which will be unlikely to come from a Dictionary. 

Last night's Fox Footy Dale Thomas Live Documentary was occasionally interrupted by a NAB Challenge match which was won by the Crows. Dale Thomas was mentioned just short of 19,000 times in the 3 hour broadcast, including our personal highlight - a soppy montage of Thomas hugging new-and-former coach Mick Malthouse.

The award for pre-season honesty, however, was won by Malthouse - "I said to the players before the game, if we win we will tick it, if we lose I will make an excuse to the media" he told the waiting journalists, before returning to talking about Dale Thomas. 


The Knock On Wood

Although he was largely obscured by the constant rolling coverage of everything Dale Thomas did, our man Cameron Wood racked up another 80 Supercoach points last night. Although he is perhaps a candidate for the Justin Madden Centre For Tall People Who Can't Run Good, he may perhaps buck the trend and play AFL football this year.

Did you know...?

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Monday, February 24, 2014: Waiting for a cricket match that will never arrive....

A typical Monday at Smother House is spent lamenting decisions which seemed entirely sensible at the time, only to have terrible repercussions later. Decisions like an impromptu Sunday session which, viewed in the cold hard light of Monday morning, did not serve us well for delivering a blog that is even of NAB Challenge standard by our 11am-ish deadline.

Which is why, at 1 minute to 12 and with a pounding headache, we feel some sympathy for the AFL and the VCA. It must have seemed completely logical to them to reserve a 100,000 seat stadium for a cricket match which might not even happen and even if it does will bring a maximum crowd of 500, leaving the 70 plus thousand people who might want to watch an Essendon Hawthorn grudge match to squeeze into the 55,000 seat Docklands superdome.

Of course, hindsight is 20-20, and with Victoria languishing at the bottom of the Sheffield Shield table, that decision seems somewhat erroneous. So, just like our parents and friends won't easily forgive our Sunday afternoon pub-crawl antics and ill-directed snapchats, the Essendon and Hawthorn fans who miss out on a seat at the Dome (while the MCG lies in wait for a cricket match that will never arrive) may not be entirely happy with your behaviour.

A word of warning, though the Panadol might erase the headache, it won't make you look any less foolish.

BREAKING NEWS

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In the news...
Former Carlton ruckman Justin Madden has gone Zoolander and planned to open the Justin Madden Centre for tall people who can't run good and want to learn to do other stuff good as well. "Big fellas in my era – particularly those like myself who lacked athleticism, coordination and a physique – were specialist ruckmen from the start" he said of his Ruck Academy initiative.

Brisbane Lion Sam Mayes has inspired his teammates, signing on at the Gabba until the end of 2016 despite the crippling homesickness that saw most of their young talent depart at the end of last season. "I've found it a little bit easier because me and three other first year boys moved into a house together. We've got a pool out the back, so it's pretty easy to get the other boys to come around" he said, leaving Michael Voss to wonder if building a pool for Jared Polec, Patrick Karnezis, Billy Longer, Sam Docherty and Elliot Yeo could have saved his job. 

In other signing news, Jack Gunston will remain at the Hawks until 2016 after deciding he doesn't like changing clubs - "To change from one club to another is something I don’t want to do again. It’s not the most enjoyable thing" . 

Hawthorn, Richmond and Brisbane won the weekend's NAB Challenge matches in a competition that is becoming increasingly hard to care about, while Geelong has lost Nathan Vardy for the season after an ACL injury at training. 

Wednesday February 19, 2014: The navy blue light on the dock..

The Great Pendlebury...

"Gatsby's wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy's dock....his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him." 

Collingwood captain Scott Pendlebury must identify with Jay Gatsby. He's lost his own Daisy, to Carlton of all places, and after his pre-season jaunt to the US with Gary Ablett Jr, he's gone and got himself caught up in his own impossible American dream. "The parties were bigger, the shows were broader, the buildings were higher, the models were looser, and the ban on alcohol had backfired. Making the liquor cheaper. Wall Street was luring the young and ambitious, and I was one of them..." he didn't say, but he was drawn by the experience of the Superbowl, and has set his sights on bringing that great American dream down under. 

"After seeing it, I spoke to 'Gaz' over there and said it would be pretty cool if we did this back in Australia" he yankee-doodled, "Even a 4.40pm timeslot where the entertainment at half-time was under lights.... It 
created a great buzz and certainly something that opened my eyes over there is how well they did it."

And while anyone with even a passing interest in music will tell you that the vast amount of natural light provided by the afternoon Grand Final was the third biggest issue that confronted Meatloaf in his shambolic performance (the other two being giving him a microphone and booking him at all), we think it's time to get back to basics. The recipe for a great AFL Grand Final - which has worked for thousands of years - is quite simple; put Mark Seymour in the corner and start a game of Little League whilst gouging supporters for their every dollar with prohibitively expensive flat beers, cold pies and multi-million dollar 'healthy choice' sandwiches for those watching their weight (as opposed to their wait - which grows every year as the league sends more and more staff upstairs to massage the feet of corporate executives who don't even care who's playing).

That, Mr. Pendlebury, is the great Australian dream - even if it will never bring Daisy back. 

______________________________

In other news...

The Eagles started their redemption campaign with a 148-64 win over a group of strangers in Fremantle jumpers. 

Collingwood's Quentin Lynch has put his hand up for the 2014 Johnny Rotten medal, "I don't care what other people think" he screamed defiantly when asked about his spot in the side, sticking a safety pin through his ear and giving the finger to 'the man'. 

Essendon's Alex Browne has joined his exiled coach James Hird in missing the 2104 season after scans revealed ACL damage. 

Meanwhile, the salary cap debate roars on. This time it's the AFLPA suggesting that perhaps their should be a cap on total 'football' spending, including players, coaches and facilities. Carlton is licking it's lips at the proposal as it prepares to sack Mick Malthouse and rehire him as a 'marketing manager'.

Justin Leppitsch has promised to rebuild the Lions without a significant bottoming out. "There's a basic formula for age and experience analysis out there that can tell you a premiership team's make-up and a finals team's make-up, We're probably a little bit south of that just on numbers", he underestimated.

Tuesday February 17: Great oratory...

Vive Le Revolution...

With the abundance of 'yeah, nah' and a horrid habit of appropriating senseless grammatical crimes from American sports, football and great oratory are two things not often associated with each other. Occasionally though, someone steps up and delivers a speech so gosh darn inspirational that we here at Smother House feel the need to drape ourselves in an AFL flag, wipe our weeping eyes and march down to Demetriou's waterfront office shouting Vive Le Revolution.

Yesterday, that man was Alastair Clarkson. "For too long, coaches have had that attitude or felt they should. For too long, we've said nothing. We need to speak up about this" He Martin Luther-Kinged, ''We're only temporary custodians. We're just here to protect the game and pass the baton on to the next generation and ensure it is in a good state.

''We've just got to make sure that things like what happened last year must never be allowed to ambush the game again, to tarnish what is a great game"

He was, of course, referring to Essendon, and with the usual decorum that has defined the Hawthorn-Essendon relationship over the years, he couldn't resist the chance to pass comment on exiled dictator James Hird. "'Hirdy needs accreditation to coach under nines but not an AFL footy team. It really concerns me that the game doesn't protect itself in the way, say, the teaching industry does." Tasty stuff...

____________

Meanwhile, new West Coast Coach Adam Simpson has promised a tangible sense of chaos for tonight's faux derby in a place I've never heard of. "I’d like 10 games before round one to be honest. It could get messy on the weekend", he teased, leaving the waiting media whether or not he had spent the afternoon on Tinder looking for big strong men who could possibly hold down a key position. 

_____________

The cost of living allowance (COLA) debate has drawn on, with Mike Fitzpatrick giving the strongest hint yet that the COLA has little, it anything, to do with the COL. 

Asked about the changes, AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick showed the standard political guile required of an AFL chairman by answering an entirely different and completely made up question that he felt more equipped to answer. "I think if your question is, are Greater Western Sydney at a different stage of development to Sydney? (it wasn't...) I think the answer's yes", he self-answered, showing a limited understanding of either the property market, the purpose of the allowance, or both.


The most likely path appears to be the removal of the COLA, replacing it with an 'expansion allowance' which will allow GWS to continue to rort the system while appeasing those outraged by Lance Franklin's signings. A 'yeah, nah' if ever we heard one...

___________________________

In the news...

43 touches and 7 inside-50's for David Zaharakis was not enough to get the Bombers over the line at Metricon Stadium last night, with a Gary Ablett buzzer-beater getting the Suns home 90-89.
Essendon youngster Alex Browne suffered a leg injury of as-yet-unformed severity, while the Gold Coast shook of a shoulder scare to recruit Sean Lemmens. "He may be right next week, if not definitely for Collingwood" said Guy McKenna, proving that if the draft gives you Lemmens, you should send someone to Lemmens aid. 

The Gold Coast's Sean Lemmens is likely to play next week despite a shoulder scare, when the draft gives you Lemmens...

Adelaide have added Ricky Henderson to a pre-season casualty list which already includes captain Nathan Van Berlo. Henderson has a suspected leg fracture after landing awkwardly in a tackle.


Go go gadget...
Maverick Weller, who has moved from Gold Coast to St. Kilda, has praised the proportions of the Sun's prodigy Jack Martin."It’s not that he’s that tall but I reckon he’s got really long arms, which helps him take a good catch.", said Weller. 

Friday, February 14, 2014: Don't break the teacup

It was a scene reminiscent of the latter episodes of Breaking Bad. Gary March and Damien Hardwick emerging from a cloud of smoke, holding a broken teacup and draped in matching yellow and black Hazmat suits.

That teacup was the very same that only a few days ago had held the storm about the omission of a certain Full Forward from the club's leadership group. A teacup that that certain Full Forward who used to be in Richmond's leadership group (FFWUTBIRLG) had inexplicably smashed, taking a relatively minor news story and splashing it recklessly across every back page in the Melbourne metro area.

We, for one, feel bad for the FFWUTBIRLG. So incensed was FFWUTBIRLG at the coverage of his demotion that he struck back, banning himself from any media appearances. Why the media ban strategy, which thus far has ensured blanket coverage of FFWUTBIRLG across every conceivable form of media, was chosen (in preference to the perhaps more sensible strategy of shutting up and letting the story blow over) is unclear, the aforementioned media ban precluding any further enquiries.

Still, it survives as a pertinent reminder to footballers heading into the new season. Don't break the teacup, don't EVER break the teacup.
____________

Speaking of breaking things, full points to the AFL for attempting to break the (at least slightly self-inflicted) assumption that multiculturalism was something that happened entirely separately from white people. Naming Jobe Watson as a multicultural ambassador was a welcome move, not that we can say it any better than Nic Natanui - "There's always a token black guy... now there's a token white guy".

On matters pertaining to the actual kicking of the red thing, we feel it would behoove us to remind Hawthorn that no-one likes a show-off. Already Premiers and facing a Brisbane side who were as recognisable as the cast in those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise, Hawthorn Harlem Globetrotted there way to a 131 point victory. It was almost as hard to watch as those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise.

It is worth remembering that in one of the most of striking examples of peaking too early in recent memory, Brisbane won the pre-season competition last year before falling in a heap. "In six weeks weeks time, you won't know it happened" said Justin Leppitsch, indicating either that up north hope springs eternal, or that worse is yet to come. 

In the news....
Richmond and Melbourne will clash tonight at Docklands Superdome to decide once and for all just who will win that.
World renowned laid-back nice guy Nathan Buckley has praised the umpires after Wednesday nights NAB Challenge opener.
In what is shaping as the League's first 'show and tell' after the recruiting season, Dale Thomas and Nick Dal Santo will debut for their respective teams in Ballarat tomorrow night.
Jobe Watson has issued a timely reminder that Essendon will indeed be entering the AFL this season. "What (interim coach Mark Thompson) has said is 2014 is not a transition period", he said, "he is not going to allow it to be a wasted season."