Friday, March 28, 2014: A serious, informed, credible source of footy news...

As any good football blog should, we had planned to write about football today. Not the ASADA, Buddy Franklin's Mercedes type of football, but the actual kickings and markings and other goings on within the confines of that thin white line.

This wasn't just a pipe dream. We had plans, plans that extended well beyond the couch at Smother House. We bought tickets and caught trains and were actually prepared for today's Smother to be a serious, informed, credible source of footy news... only to be sabotaged by a range of unrelated factors that conspired to leave us now crippled and broken, typing with one finger while the hangover just refuses to subside. We have but a few points on last nights game.

Monday, March 17, 2014: Anyone holding their breath has long since dropped dead

"The top four have got every right to think it's between 11 and one, the rest of us ... I would say we're approaching 11 o'clock. There's a lot of sides approaching 11 o'clock. We want to be progressing through 11 o'clock into it. I don't see any reason why that can't be the case. We've got a very good blend of senior players and we've got a good blend in the middle."
Mick Malthouse, Saturday. 

"It's not a matter of whether we're in the window or not, it's a matter of making sure you win enough games of football. The last thing that'll be on our mind or any players' mind is where's the window?"
Mick Malthouse, Sunday

So that's that then, in only a few hours - and following a game in which they were run off their feet by Port Adelaide - Carlton's premiership clock/window is not so much expired as it is now irrelevant. The entire analogy, after forming the basis of his pre-match press conference, was disposed of with the disdain that Malthouse usually reserves for those he's speaking to (or at least a sandwhich-eating cameraman).

Thursday, March 6, 2014: This local eatery...

It's time that the AFL got serious about equalisation. Forget Eddie's tantrums and who paid how much for Lance Franklin, if we continue to allow our great game to be continually smeared by the scourge of crippling inequality, we'd best prepare ourselves for a dark, dark future. "Look at all the stats and Sydney is a lot more expensive to live than any other city" says economist and midfielder Kieran Jack, and he had evidence, hell, actual  anecdotal evidence, to back it up. “I certainly know how hard it is to live in Sydney, not if you’re an established player and you’re already earning OK money, it’s all right. But younger players coming in, they really struggle."

We agree with Jack, in truth, if we had one issue with the 9.8% allowance to help Sydney teams attract players to the harsh economic climate of the harbour city, it's that it didn't go far enough. There are other teams who are suffering, struggling to retain players in the face of ambitious raids by clubs fortunate enough to be surrounded by affordable housing. 

Geelong for example, where the cost of living is - according to some actual data we found - 15% cheaper than Melbourne, or St. Kilda and Hawthorn who have deviously relocated to suburban bases where $200,000 goes a lot further in the property market - safe in the knowledge that the league lacks the moral fortitude to adjust the salary cap accordingly. 

So, while you celebrate the abolition of the COLA and the apparent return to a level playing field, spare a thought for teams doing it tough. Teams like Collingwood, who are working in a rapidly gentrifying area where the cost of living has skyrocketed in recent years. After all, who would stay at Collingwood, Richmond or Melbourne when the price for food at this local eatery, for example, are so exorbitant. 

Equality means a level playing field, and it requires taking everything into consideration. Adelaide and Port Adelaide, where players benefit from a city that eschews frivolous excesses like any semblance of nightlife or the hopes of a job for their children, should not be competing on the same figure as Melbourne or Sydney clubs.

It is a debate that surely continue, but so long as The Smother isn't fired for a blatant lack of research and overwhelming bias, we'll continue to fight it...

In the news...

Carlton's Marc Murphy has signed am exciting 4-year deal with the Blues. "I just want to say how proud and humbled I am. It's extremely exciting" he said. 

Those wanting to fist-bump Dane Swan from interesting angles will be disappointed to here that he will never again have a full range of motion in his injured wrist. Despite this, he will play round one. 

Media ban be damned, Jack Riewoldt has been named for Richmond's practice match against Essendon at Punt Road, practice match team information is here. 

And finally, fans of Donnie Darko, Lantana and other films with confusing plots might enjoy the AFL's latest effort - the futuristic tale of a girl, an old man, and the 2013 Grand Final. 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014: Purchasing as many petards as they could carry....

With the league's pre-season cheese convention well and truly underway, the suited ones have headed west to Adelaide to argue about money. Chunks of cheese have dominated The Smother this week, and the unfettered cheddar discussion has continued with the revelation that outgoing AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou took home $3.8m for his efforts in 2013.

Although the figure is inflated by a $2m performance payment which was earned over previous years - presumably for achieving goals like not taking a six week mid-season jaunt around Europe - there are many within AFL land who think the fee to be somewhat excessive. On this we agree, but that may be a case of sour grapes given that negotiations with our own Big Cheese, the CEO at Smother Enterprises, fell well short of expectations. We are pleased with the decision not to fire us, but we continue to oppose the Eddie McGuire style public lashings that the boss has instituted. Our opposition, however, only seems to increase the intensity of the whippings. Truth be told, we're not real good at helping ourselves.

Speaking of which, with Sydney set to lose their controversial cost-of-living-allowance (COLA), we wonder if they too have been hoisted by their own petard. While, perhaps not so much as hoisted by their own petard, rather purchasing as many petards as they could carry, delivering them personally to Eddie McGuire and telling him to do with them as he wished. With the COLA argument heating up, common wisdom might have suggested keeping their heads down and avoiding anything that might serve as a flash-point in the argument. Something like, you know, signing the league's biggest player to a multi-millon dollar ten-year deal.

Instead, the Swans made a substantial donation to the armaments of the very men who were campaigning to have the COLA abolished, and in the end it has proved too much for the league to ignore. Although Demetriou denies that Buddy influenced the decision to remove the allowance, he also denied having any regrets about the way he handled the ASADA saga....

In the news...
The 18 AFL Captains gathered at the redeveloped Adelaide Oval today, and they wasted no time in coming out swinging against the Herald Sun. "As leaders of the playing group, we think it's appropriate to stand up, and lend our voice and influence, in condemning the mistreatment of vulnerable players. That's our responsibility" said the captain of the captains, Matthew Pavlich.

The AFL also took the opportunity to do some market research on the skippers, revealing that Hawthorn, Sydney and Fremantle are Premiership favourites among the admittedly niche market of AFL Captains. They also chose Scott Pendlebury for the Brownlow, Travis Cloke and Josh Kennedy to share the Coleman and Jack Martin as Rising Star.  

While it's small change for Demetriou, Carlton's Marc Murphy is close to re-signing with the Blues on a 4 year, $700,000-a-season deal.

And finally, Geelong's George Burberry has celebrated returning to training - after having his jaw broken in the pre-season - by donning a rather fitting bright pink cap.

Friday, February 28, 2014: A permanent marker and a petting zoo...

Here at Smother House, we know better than most how hard it is to run a business. We've spent weeks trying to achieve the grandiose dreams of our ambitious president (who has asked that he only be referred to as The Big Cheese), only to realise that when you fix one problem, another seven or so pop up. The Big Cheese used to regularly barge in our office, stumbling over McDonalds packaging and shouting things like 'I said I wanted the biggest football blog in the world and you give me piss-poor articles about Romeo and Juliet. Dammit Smother, you haven't written anything funny since that one joke about Alex Fasolo'.

Luckily for our already depleted self-esteem, he's stopped doing that. In fact, he's stopped reading entirely. The Big Cheese now presumably spends his days windsurfing off the coast of Elsternwick, occasionally meeting with Eddie McGuire to discuss the perversity of taxing millionaires and completely ignoring our request for a marketing budget.

Which is why we feel sorry for Alan Joyce, the lovable Irish rogue who is slowly destroying our national airline and sacking all of his staff in order to compete with Virgin. Joyce is just like us really, trying to play whack-a-mole with a stretched budget, pouring money into one area and then watching another disaster unfold in the very place he took that money from. We, for example, sensed that the reason for deplorable lack of jokes was due to a general lack of energy, yet when we sacked scores of writers in order to purchase a coffee machine, we quickly discovered that we'd sacked the guy who came up with the Alex Fasolo joke, and the few of us left were still to break our comedic ducks. A problem that no amount of lightly frothed milk in a perfectly pulled Espresso could amend.

But we digress, and given digressing is something we were specifically warned about by The Big Cheese before his disappearance, it's time to talk about football. Specifically the Swans, who lost by 35 points to the Eagles in Blacktown last night. When John Longmire spent $10m obtaining Lance Moneyball Franklin from Hawthorn, he may have fallen into the same trap as we did with the coffee machine.

"The ball didn't really get down there and when it did it didn't come with any quality" said Longmire, explaining why his $10m man kicked a solitary behind in the loss. "We didn't win the ball, which is the most basic of basics and we didn't do it. I'm not thrilled." What the Swans learnt last night, albeit in the hardest way possible, was that when the ball is at the other end of the ground your forwards are about as important as the news that ASADA has finished stage 175 of its 250 stage investigation into Essendon. 

Of course, Buddy wasn't all about goals, he is also a marketing tool. Perhaps the Swans can maximise that investment by giving him a permanent marker and a petting zoo, signing autographs and amusing the local children while Heath Grundy deals with the swarm of opposition forwards.   


In the news...
Chris Scott, John Longmire, Mark Thompson, Alan Richardson, Justin Leppitsch and Adam Simpson have united to encourage fans to behave themselves while in the crowd. "People think that when you pay the price of a ticket that you can leave your morals or ethics behind for the two hours of the match" grumbled AFL Operations Manager Mark Evans, adding that "it's up to the adults in the crowd to show the way". (It is understood that attempt to invite Alastair Clarkson failed to reach him as he had previously smashed the phone they tried to call him on). 

However, if the AFL needs adults to send a message, they should go no further than Eddie McGuire and Andrew Newbold, who spent yesterday at AFL House discussing the leagues equalisation plans. "I think everyone knows how to behave and we'll be fine" said Newbold of his Presidential counterparts. 

McGuire has stepped up his campaign against the tax, accusing the other clubs of being dole bludgers "You work all your life, you've got your family and you've got your assets in play… and I come in and say, 'That's good, but I'm going to take three quarters of your money off you… and give it to the blokes who have been cheating down the road, not going to work, have been sitting on the porch smoking a cigar" He moaned, between high-paying board meetings. 

The infamous Marley Williams 'warning punch' continues to dog the young defender, he was sent home from Collingwood's Gold Coast training camp, though he did enjoy White Water World, and looks certain to miss at least the first 6 rounds while he awaits sentencing. 

Footy Operations Guy Mark Evans has completed a wide-ranging interview for AFL.com.au, declaring ominously that the centre bounce is safe... for now. 

Meanwhile, the final two games of the NAB Challenge are on this weekend. Melbourne and Geelong will clash in Darwin tonight, and GWS will take on St. Kilda on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga. The NAB Challenge will then give way to a series of practice matches, with Gold Coast taking on Collingwood on Sunday. 

Thursday, February 27, 2014: Stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in

When we here at Smother House needed an automobile to visit friends... qualify for the highly discriminatory Drive-Thru only policy at 24 hour McDonalds, we were determined to do it on the cheap. We purchased a 24 year old station wagon for $600, extinguished the small engine fires, applied copious amounts of duct tape and finally took pride of place in the automotive class.

Of course, as is perhaps to be expected of a $600 24 year old station wagon, it was only a few months before the engine exploded, pumping coolant fumes throughout the cabin and causing no small degree of hallucinations and chemical epiphanies. The wreckers offered us $200, reduced to $150 when they saw the state of the thing.

In football, as in life, you get what you paid for. There are laws that protect you against dishonest salesman or unexpected failures of a crucial nature, but these rights are waived when - having full knowledge of the state of the goods - you still decide to make the purchase. This will be bad news for Ross Lyon when he arrives at Windy Hill with a receipt and a 25 year old tall-forward stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in, as he might just find himself fresh out of luck.  

Limping off the ground in the first quarter of last night's NAB Challenge match was a reminder to always check the repair history, whether you're dealing with used cars or used tall-forwards. Scott Gumbleton's tissue paper hamstrings, which limited him to 35 games over 7 season at Essendon, were well documented enough to make Fremantle's offer a rather radical punt on some expensive and risky machinery.

Despite the injury, the Dockers coach isn't ready to write-off his new investment just yet. "I can't guess what is going through their head but when you invest so much and see that investment slip away in the short term and near term … longer-term all that work is done and it should pay off" he tyre-kicked. 


In the news...
We've laughed, we've cried, we've seen the price and laughed again, cried again etc... tonight Lance Moneyball Franklin will run out in his Swans jumper for the first time in a NAB Challenge against someone or other at Blacktown we think. Sources in Sydney are calling this the biggest event to hit the city since the ARIA's in early December, and are predicting a bumper crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters.

The AFL looks set to allow Marley Williams to play in Collingwood's Gold Coast practice match this weekend, although they will probably ban him from the season proper while he awaits sentencing over his jaw-breaking 'warning punch'. Sensing a chance to continue to be a football writer without having to watch any football, Caroline Wilson had her say too.

Taylor Walker's knee twang has taken on mythical proportions, with Adelaide coach Brenton Sanderson extending the window for when the key-forward might return to AFL. "It could be anywhere between rounds five and 15 and that's serious" he guessed.

Essendon coach Matthew Egan has praised Tom Bellchambers choice of foot-ware ahead of his return from an ankle-twang, expected to be in round 5. "He was walking around in normal shoes last night and a week ago he was in a moon boot" he said, sniffing a pair of dirty socks and leering at the feet of the hosts.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014: Toxic clouds...

The good folk of Morwell are going through some tough times at the moment. The open-cut mine that supplies their power station is on fire, billowing tons of potentially toxic gases into the atmosphere, causing understandable anxiety and illness among the locals. Victoria's emergency services are doing their best to contain the situation and limit the damage, and we here at Smother House think it would behoove Andrew Demetriou to keep a keen eye on that response ahead of his own potentially toxic explosion. 

With the announcement of the leagues new equalisation measures set for tomorrow, we have set the threat level to Extreme and are about to take shelter in our hastily constructed and ill-ventilated bunker. This is the first ever activation of The Smother Public Emergency Warning System (SPEWS). 

SPEWS advises that the highly caustic Edward McGuire is predicted to hit dangerous levels in the coming days. Ember attacks are expected, with the likelihood of a full scale explosion that will send a stream of capitalistic rage high over metropolitan Melbourne, toppling the trestle tables of the Socialist Alliance and flattening most of Brunswick, Fitzroy and Northcote. Take shelter, it is already too late to leave.... 

Poor Eddie. Just like Tony Abbott's cavalier fight against the commie scam that was the carbon tax, Eddie is all lined-up to fight the league's Luxury Tax, a tax that will see Collingwood unable to continually purchase top of the line equipment and therefore hurt jobs and the football economy. While Demetriou never said there would never be a luxury tax under a Government he leads, we can expect no less hostility from McGuire than we got from Abbott. 

For what it's worth, we support Eddie. Why should Collingwood have to give any of the millions it takes in from suburban pokie venues to help the Western Bulldogs buy the occasional football to practice with? We've got our 'Axe The Tax' signs, our fluro vests and we're ready to join the campaign trail... as soon as this toxic cloud clears up...

In the news...

Essendon coach Mark Thompson is full of love for his new signing Paul Chapman - "He didn't know what was going on for a while there did he, Chappy.... I could see him just running around in circles, he didn't know what to do. Couldn't get the ball. When it came to him he even fumbled which I'd never seen him do"

Port Adelaide knocked off Essendon in last night's NAB Challenge match, played in front of 127 enthusiastic supporters. Jay Schulz hurt an ankle and Essendon's Michael Hibberd injured a hamstring, though both are expected to play in round one. 

A crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters is also expected to gather for tonight's grudge match between Fremantle and the Western Bulldogs at the Superdome, and Lance Moneyball Franklin will debut for Sydney tomorrow night against West Coast in Blacktown. 

Bad news at North Melbourne with forward Taylor Garner injuring a hamstring. "We expect that he'll be able to resume full training within four weeks" said Football Director Geoff Walsh.

Brenton Sanderson has revealed part of the Crows secret plan to be more competitive, announcing that they plan to sign better players. "We'll certainly look at players who immediately make us better" he said while declaring the club's interest in Bryce Gibbs.