Tuesday, March 18, 2014: Something new to talk about...

A new chapter, that's all they've asked for. It's got nothing to do with redemption or forgiveness, there is no amends to be made. Essendon just want something new to talk about.

This was the second year of the Essendon pre-season pantomime, replete with heroes and villains; characters submitting themselves to the judgement of the masses. Distorted, often beyond recognition, by the hazy lens of the various scribes assigned the task of disseminating facts when precious few are known. It's exhausting and obsessive work, you can spend days analysing the various prognostications without realising how futile it all is. Nothing has happened, something might, but nothing has.

Monday, March 3, 2014: At least on par with professional cycling....

So that's that, the inaugural NAB Challenge has been run and won... well, run at least, owing to the abandonment of the NAB Cup, there were no winners. But it happened, and that's got to stand for something.

According to some, who we haven't met but assume exist somewhere in the dark underbelly of AFL House, the 18 games in 18 days format was an unqualified success. Spreading football across the country with games in far-reaching places like Wagga Wagga, Ballarat and even in the sparse docklands of Melbourne is an admirable goal - and we think it's fair to say the event took on a life of its own, well, it at least looked that way from the filthy couches of Smother House.

Speaking of taking on a life its own, we have to spare a thought for Geelong captain Joel Selwood. Selwood was subbed out of the penultimate NAB Challenge match on Friday night after experiencing sentience in his hamstring. "Selwood experienced some awareness in his leg" Tweeted the club, leaving journalists to ask whether the leg was happy at Geelong and if, under the new free-agency agreements, the leg could sign a separate contract and nominate for the rookie draft.

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But that is all old news now, 11 days before the first (probably diagonal and recalled) bounce of 2014, the Biggest of Cheeses, Andrew Demetriou has announced that this will be his last season at the helm. The man who brought football to the Gold Coast and Blacktown, denied it to Tasmania and is currently engaged in a ferocious campaign to turn the game into a working example of communism will be sorely missed, according to fawning AFL Commission Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick.

"Andrew has been one of the most influential CEOs in our history" he told the waiting media, pointing to the establishment of an integrity unit as one of his crowning achievements. "Andrew has been the first in Australia sport - after the racing industry - to deliver an integrity unit" said Fitzpatrick, suggesting the league was now, in terms of integrity, at least on par with professional cycling. 

Credit should also go to metal health advocate Jeff Kennett, waiting 2 torturous hours after the announcement to get himself in the papers. "I hope Mike Fitzpatrick is also resigning because the AFL commission has been far from active, far from good at upholding good governance and the AFL commission has accepted no responsibility itself for the failing of the code over the last three years" he barked at Fairfax radio.

Still, it would be unfair of us not to give the last word in The Monday Smother to the AFL's CEO of the decade, and certainly the greatest we've seen since Wayne Jackson. "I didn't inject anyone ... it had had no impact on me" said Demetriou of the Essendon scandal, leaving us to wonder whether the league was a little harsh on James Hird. 


In the news...
In the weekends results, Collingwood overcame a 41 point half-time deficit to defeat the Suns by 14 points at Metricon, while the Giants smashed the Saints on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga and Friday night saw the Cats defeat Melbourne by 13.

Meanwhile the ASADA investigation continues to leak like a sieve, with News Limited spending the weekend naming and shaming Essendon players who are under investigation. We have joined Fairfax in choosing not to name the players, our concerns not being the breach of privacy but the refusal of our own Big Cheese to buy us an online subscription to the Herald Sun.

Tuesday February 17: Great oratory...

Vive Le Revolution...

With the abundance of 'yeah, nah' and a horrid habit of appropriating senseless grammatical crimes from American sports, football and great oratory are two things not often associated with each other. Occasionally though, someone steps up and delivers a speech so gosh darn inspirational that we here at Smother House feel the need to drape ourselves in an AFL flag, wipe our weeping eyes and march down to Demetriou's waterfront office shouting Vive Le Revolution.

Yesterday, that man was Alastair Clarkson. "For too long, coaches have had that attitude or felt they should. For too long, we've said nothing. We need to speak up about this" He Martin Luther-Kinged, ''We're only temporary custodians. We're just here to protect the game and pass the baton on to the next generation and ensure it is in a good state.

''We've just got to make sure that things like what happened last year must never be allowed to ambush the game again, to tarnish what is a great game"

He was, of course, referring to Essendon, and with the usual decorum that has defined the Hawthorn-Essendon relationship over the years, he couldn't resist the chance to pass comment on exiled dictator James Hird. "'Hirdy needs accreditation to coach under nines but not an AFL footy team. It really concerns me that the game doesn't protect itself in the way, say, the teaching industry does." Tasty stuff...

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Meanwhile, new West Coast Coach Adam Simpson has promised a tangible sense of chaos for tonight's faux derby in a place I've never heard of. "I’d like 10 games before round one to be honest. It could get messy on the weekend", he teased, leaving the waiting media whether or not he had spent the afternoon on Tinder looking for big strong men who could possibly hold down a key position. 

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The cost of living allowance (COLA) debate has drawn on, with Mike Fitzpatrick giving the strongest hint yet that the COLA has little, it anything, to do with the COL. 

Asked about the changes, AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick showed the standard political guile required of an AFL chairman by answering an entirely different and completely made up question that he felt more equipped to answer. "I think if your question is, are Greater Western Sydney at a different stage of development to Sydney? (it wasn't...) I think the answer's yes", he self-answered, showing a limited understanding of either the property market, the purpose of the allowance, or both.


The most likely path appears to be the removal of the COLA, replacing it with an 'expansion allowance' which will allow GWS to continue to rort the system while appeasing those outraged by Lance Franklin's signings. A 'yeah, nah' if ever we heard one...

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In the news...

43 touches and 7 inside-50's for David Zaharakis was not enough to get the Bombers over the line at Metricon Stadium last night, with a Gary Ablett buzzer-beater getting the Suns home 90-89.
Essendon youngster Alex Browne suffered a leg injury of as-yet-unformed severity, while the Gold Coast shook of a shoulder scare to recruit Sean Lemmens. "He may be right next week, if not definitely for Collingwood" said Guy McKenna, proving that if the draft gives you Lemmens, you should send someone to Lemmens aid. 

The Gold Coast's Sean Lemmens is likely to play next week despite a shoulder scare, when the draft gives you Lemmens...

Adelaide have added Ricky Henderson to a pre-season casualty list which already includes captain Nathan Van Berlo. Henderson has a suspected leg fracture after landing awkwardly in a tackle.


Go go gadget...
Maverick Weller, who has moved from Gold Coast to St. Kilda, has praised the proportions of the Sun's prodigy Jack Martin."It’s not that he’s that tall but I reckon he’s got really long arms, which helps him take a good catch.", said Weller.