August 29, 2014: A year in review...

This is the last Smother for August. The last Home & Away Smother for 2014. The last Smother that will be written this year before a Collingwood game.

As frustrating as it's been to watch the Black and White fade from a top four chance into bottom half obscurity, it hasn't been without it's highlights. Clinton Young's dropped mark against Gold Coast vindicated my avid stance on him being, well, not very good. Jack Frost has continued to impress and I think I love him. Broomhead's humorous last name continues to elicit joy.

Alas, we must look forward to the future. Where does this Collingwood team sit? It's hard to say. Next year will be critical to confirming the direction - we should either go down to the lower reaches of the ladder, or climb toward sixth or so. Existing in football purgatory -  8th - 10th - is a recipe for going nowhere. Just ask Richmond...

In the news...
Brenton Sanderson will give his players the mushroom treatment concerning the Gold Coast v West Coast result, insisting that they must focus on their own game if they are to nab 8th spot. "We've got to ensure that our group is totally focused on starting well" said Sanderson.

Meanwhile Adam Simpson is in a different camp with his Eagles. "There is no doubt the guys will be watching, I wont stop them from watching the games" he said.

And in Friday fluff, Port Adelaide have been granted permission to play INXS' Never Tear Us Apart before its home finals. "it's a terrific coup for supporters" said CEO Keith Thomas of the decision.

AND it's Supercoach Grand Final week - Teams are here. Remember to shower.

August 28, 2014: Maximise the heartbreak

Is there a special on yellow ink at the moment?

I only ask because, at least so far as the Herald Sun is concerned, there has been no news this week that doesn't concern Richmond. Richmond on the front, Richmond on the back, Richmond dotted throughout the middle. It's been going on for days, all in anticipation of a heartbreaking defeat at the hands of Sydney.

There's two ways to read it. Either The Herald Sun are with the Tiges and want them to succeed, or they, like me, just want the Tiger fans to get as excited as possible - maximising the heartbreak.

In the news...
The ACCC has issued a warning notice to the AFL for misleading advertising over the requirements for members to purchase a reserved seat. The rest of the rorting, however, is apparently okay.

Adam Kennedy, Nick Haynes and Rory Lobb have all extended their contracts at The Giants. "Rory, Nick and Adam have shown great faith in club" preached GWS CEO Dave Matthews (not the one with the band).

Justin Leppitsch is concerned that the Rising Star judges aren't bothering to watch Brisbane games. "A lot of these selection committees, there isn't a Queensland voice on them" said Leppa, subtly.

August 27, 2014: Smells like cat vomit...

Sometimes the truth is better than any parody could even hope to be. So it was when Adelaide Crows defender Daniel Talia was pulled over by South Australian Police in February.

Talia was clocked at 96km in a 60km hour section of Adelaide's Southern Expressway. But he is a defender by trade, and a crafty one by nature. Appearing in court today, Talia declared that the reason for his leadfoot was a violentally ill pet cat in the backseat, which distracted him from a reduced speed sign.

Despite this unique defence, Talia was still fined $800.

In the news...
Nathan Buckley has issued a vague threat to the Hawks ahead of Friday's night 100+ point thrashing at the MCG: "I would suspect you want to win games of football no matter when you play them" said Buckley, before retiring to a banana lounge.

In news that will concern no-one outside a few in Fantasy Grand Finals, Marc Murphy is still hopeful of playing against Essendon on Sunday.

While Ross Lyon says that his star forward Matthew Pavlich must get through tomorrow's training if he is to play against Port on Saturday.

August 26, 2014: Likely finish...

Redemption and heartbreak. Come Sunday, Richmond's season will have both in equal measure. The awfulness of the loss to Melbourne, the entire early season stretching into almost crippling crisis. Almost.

Then came the great run, a team transformed from a hideous rabble into an indomitable force. Opponents felled with ruthless precision, rungs on the ladder scaled, commentators forced into embarrassing flip-flops. It was a sight to behold, those long-suffering inhabitants of the Punt Road End slowly began to believe.

That belief is so strong that some are now even daring to dream. Sydney, sitting happily atop the ladder and Premiership favourites, could it be possible?

No. No it isn't. All of that hope, this most sensational recovery will all come to nothing, derailed at the final hurdle and left to rust in a pile of broken dreams. Getting so close, yet still so far. It's so wonderfully Richmond.

Likely finish: Ninth.

In the news...
Stevey-J is unlikely to be available for this weekends Fantasy Footy Grand Final round, Chris Scott confirming the Cats are unlikely to risk their star this close to finals.

Dayne Zorko has helped out the Lions recruiting staff by reeling off a list of names he would like to join the club in 2015; Gary Ablett, Dayne Beams and Matt Priddis are all on his list.

Premiership Players Josh Hunt and Steven Gilham have both announced their retirements. The two were united at GWS after winning medals at Geelong and Hawthorn respectively.

August 25, 2014: The real victory...

Courageous. All heart. Inspiring. The kind of win you can build a future on.

It's only been 2 sleeps since IT happened. Perhaps the greatest win in the history of competitive sport, Collingwood - down and out, backs to the wall - came from nowhere to to secure a win that nobody pretty much everyone predicted. A courageous win against the unbeatable mediocre, full-strength injury plagued, finals bound lower-placed Giants.

How, somehow, limping to victory over a hapless expansion club minus their Captain and best player is the greatest achievement in the history of mankind I can't explain - but at least it's some good news about Collingwood in the paper. And that's the real victory.

In the news...
Demon Nathan Jones is the only player in the naughty corner after this weeks MRP sitting. Jones was fined nearly $2k for making contact with an umpire.

The Recruit draft rules have been announced, with the live final playing host to a 3-2-1 voting system from each AFL club, before each are invited to express their interest in recruiting him. The winner will choose which club he goes too.

And a moron has been charged by Police after racially abusing Sydney players during their match on the weekend. Read more here.

August 22, 2014: No one does it better...

Where on Earth is Mark Evans? The AFL's resident mad scientist has popped up with increasing regularity in 2014 season with high-tech solutions for everything from a locating the ball, put cameras in everything and even lighting up the goal posts to protect us from the crisis of goals kicked after the siren. Yet, here we are, facing a severe bout of emotional turmoil, and Evans is nowhere to be seen.

The 2014 Brownlow is apparently set to be a farce. The winner will almost certainly be stripped of his prize, in a haze of controversy despite him being suspended twice. Ablett is another chance to win, yet he perhaps also should have been suspended for an errant elbow earlier in the season. It's going to be an emotional battle that might end up in court. Yet, nothing from Evans.

How about if during the count, suspended players are forced to wear a red vest that lights up whenever they receive a vote? Or a convoluted preferences system where their votes are passed on to to a pre-agreed player based on a factional alliances? How about if we had one round where the umpires votes could be subbed for those of a random spectator?

These ideas may sound ridiculous, but ridiculous is Evans' game - and no-one does it better.

In the news...
Collingwood may unleash Alex Fasolo as a full-forward after their plague of injuries has robbed them of a forward line.

George Horlin-Smith has been withdrawn from the Cats clash with the Hawks this weekend, while Shane Savage will miss for the Saints loss to Richmond.

Teams are here for Supercoach Prelims. Up the Pies.

August 21, 2014: When in Rome...

Port Adelaide have taken a unique approach to their upcoming battle with Carlton, vowing to beat Mick Malthouse at this own game by being 'crazy in defence.'.

"We need to really wind it up. We need to be crazy in defence" said Port's football director, Shaun Hart. While he digressed on to more sensible matters, like stopping Judd and Murphy for running rampant and obliterating their top 4 hopes, we decided to consider the Blues other defence - that of Jeff Garlett and Mitch Robinson - after the former was charged with affray as part of a street fight.

In a case such as this, sometimes you just need to plead guilty and try your luck on mitigating factors. Factors like being employed by an organisation that also employs the photography skills of Josh Bootsma and the general meat-headedness of Mitch Robinson. We shouldn't forget this is a club famous for rorting and cheating wherever possible.

We're not sure the judge will agree, but perhaps it's worth suggesting that all that King Street witness on that night was a case of 'when in Rome...'

In the news...
Extra Miles - Tiger Anthony Miles has signed a two year deal, securing his promotion from the rookie-list in 2015.

The leagues most famous knee injury, Anthony Morabito, has signed a deal with Fremantle that will see him sit outs large portions of next year with injury.

And a Smother applause for Ash McGrath, who has announced he will retire after this weekends game. McGrath played 213 games for the Lions, including the 2003 flag.

August 20, 2014: Stomping on chips...

So, imagine you're eating a bag of chips. You offer one to the bloke next to you, only for him to take it, throw it on the ground on stamp on it. He asks for another one. You, assuming maybe the first one was an accident, oblige him. He throws that one on the ground. Then he asks for a third, you give it to him. Sure enough, that chip too is stomped in to the floor.

Now, do you give Melbourne another priority pick?.

In the news...
Our favourite senile senior citizen is at it again. Madhouse has this time declaring his love for taggers. "There is a place for taggers. We're not all gifted like some of the superstars." he said in his weekly counselling session.

Best and Smartest? Ross Lyon believes that Nat Fyfe must be smarter in order to avoid losing more Brownlow medals. "In the heat of the moment, it doesn't take much to go wrong and find yourself in trouble" said Lyon.

Crows Defender Matthew Jaensch has re-signed at the Crows until 2016. "I'm really enjoying my footy" he said, echoing the sentiments of every player this season to sign a new deal.

August 19, 2014: It's Time

It's time. For too long we have accepted mediocrity and disappointment, all served maliciously under the guise of competition. We've been ripped off, forced to endure games like North Melbourne v Footscray where the result is all but predetermined and no-one cares anyway, all out of some apparent need to present a fair and equal competition for all teams.

It's time that the AFL finally understood and accepted it's role as first and foremost a provider of entertainment. Rather then wasting our time with these non-events, the league should embrace a WWF style of administration. Concocted close finishes, stunning comebacks, third teams entering play because they have a beef with the champions. It would just make for better TV viewing.

Failing that, given that Collingwood will probably lose to Hawthorn by 2000 goals in round 23, we should just play Strauchnie at centre half forward.

In the news...
Stevey J is likely to miss for the cats this week, but Bartel should return. The Cats play Hawthorn on Saturday night.

Michael Barlow will miss the end of the Home & Away season with a thumb injury. He should return for finals.

Nat Fyfe will challenge his two-game ban at the tribunal. An unsuccessful appeal would make it very hard for his management, who are currently proposing a legal challenge to the rules of the Brownlow Medal.

August 18, 2014: Football is a stupid game

Football is a stupid game and I don't care for it all. For Christs sake, how did Collingwood manage to assemble a team of professional footballers who can't kick? When you think about it, it's actually quite an achievement. 40 odd people, some of whom previously could kick, all of whom made it to a professional draft, yet by some miracle of science, in the space of a few short months, none of them are able to hit a target - even meters away with no-one around them.

I'm done.

In the news...
From the MRP: The AFL can probably afford to rotate the Docklands Stadium with all the fines issued, but the relevant news is two weeks for Nat Fyfe, a week for Daniel Wells and straight to the tribunal for Daniel Wells.

The Crows have issued the AFL with a please explain after a Rory Sloane goal was overturned in controversial circumstances during their loss to Richmond.

Swan Josh Kennedy will only miss a week with his hamstring injury, meaning he'll be available for the all-important SuperCoach Grand Finals next week.

August 14, 2014: Toot, Toot.

Occasionally in this business, you are handed a gift. The source is hard to define, its almost spiritual. One moment you're sitting around wondering what you could possibly be write about; what you can possibly say about this game that hasn't already been said, the next, you are relishing a piece so god damn enjoyable that you can't even sit down.

How else can you describe Ricky Nixon but a gift from the football Gods? A little bit Warwick Capper, a little bit Tiger Woods, Nixon is everything a blog that focuses on the humorous side of our game could ever ask for - and he's back.

The Age reported this morning on an alleged Port Melbourne street fight between Nixon and Gary Ablett Snr. Though Nixon has dismissed the allegation as "crap", investigating such matters is well beyond the remit of this humble publication. We're just glad the Chicken Train is back in the news.

Toot Toot.

In the news...
Stevey J will miss the Cats clash with Carlton this weekend as he recovers from foot soreness, at least according to Tom Lonergan.

Daniel Wells is a chance to return for North Melbourne this weekend, in what will be his first game since round 5. Wells copped a kick to the shin in the VFL last week, but is apparently okay.

Meanwhile it's good news at VFL Park, with Jack Gunston's recovery from a knee injury progressing faster than expected. He is a chance to play this weekend.

August 13, 2014: Get off my lawn...

One suspects is not often that Gillon McLachlan is compared to Clint Eastwood. The polo playing executive would probably find a difficult to gather the requisite toughness of the super-buff film star, while Eastwood, one imagines, might struggle with the finer points of the MRP (any more than the rest of us? - Smother Ed).

Today though, Gil could do well to polish up his memory on Eastwood's career - specifically 2008's Gran Torino - as he prepares to go into battle with the MCC, State Government and the administrators of cricket and world football respectively. With the MCG's commitment to World Cup Cricket already delaying the start of next season, Gillon is outraged that the MCG has been booked for two mid-season Friday nights to host soccer matches as part of the Champions Cup Soccer Tournament.

The Tournament, which could feature the likes of Real Madrid, Manchester City, Chelsea and Barcelona, is expected to draw crowds fay beyond the capacity of Etihad Stadium, allowing the MCC to trigger a clause in its contract with the AFL to offer the venue elsewhere.

Of course, in Gran Torino, despite initially demanding that his enemies keep off his lawn, Eastwood goes on to learn a valuable lesson about the value of harmony. Will Gil do the same?

In the news...
Matt White is set to return for Port Adelaide this weekend, according to Port skipper Travis Boak.

Demon Jesse Hogan is set to resume his quest to become almost as dissappointing as Jack Watts. He'll return from injury in the VFL this weekend.

ASADA's still going. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

August 12, 2014: We remain hopeful.

MRP chairman Mark Fraser has come out swinging after claims that, if it were to happen again, Nat Fyfe would not be suspended for the head-clash that now sees him ineligible for the Brownlow.

In the face of a barrage of criticism, and threat of an impossible legal challenge from Fyfe's management, Fraser maintains that the same incident would meet the same decision this weekend. "Absolutely, it's a definite rough conduct charge" said Fraser, "exactly the same penalty would occur."

It was a latter comment from Fraser that will concern clubs though: "we endeavour to be consistent throughout the whole process" he said, marking a significant departure from the incongruous and largely incoherent decision making of recent weeks. Whether this will lead to the MRP making any sense to anyone not sitting on the MRP is yet to be seen, though we remain hopeful.

In the news...
Stevey-J has avoided suspension, but may still be in doubt after being seen on crutches this morning. The AFL is reporting that Johnson was 'hit by soreness'.

Coleman Medal leader Jarryd Roughead has accepted his tripping ban and will miss this weekends clash with Fremantle.

Dane Swan will return for the Pies disappointing loss to Brisbane this weekend. "He feels significantly better" said Rodney Eade.

Monday, August 11, 2014: The Darkest Day in Australian Fantasy Sport

They may call it Fantasy Football, but things are getting very real in the ranks of Supercoach and Dream Team 2014. Yes, while the ASADA court case meanders along, threatening to set records for the most football identities in suits outside of Brownlow Time in history, those sleepless Supercoach's have unearthed their own ASADA scandal.

Legally, of course, we're not sure how much we're allowed to say, but we have it from a reliablish* source that the leader of this years Supercoach and Dream Team competition, C-Money, once hacked a high-school computer system - and therefore should immediately self-report to fantasy ASADA. Matthews12 agrees that "it sounds very dodgy", which we can only read to mean that this is, indeed, the darkest day in Australian Fantasy Sport.

With three weeks to go until the thousands of dollars worth of prizes are distributed, a scandal like this is the last thing that Fantasy Football needs. We hope it's resolved quickly. Of course, it's entirely possible for someone to be both good at computers and Fantasy Football, but that sounds a little far fetched...

*BigFooty is easily in the top 10 most reliable forums about Australian football called BigFooty.

In the news...
ASADA, court rooms, men in suits. It's all here.

Adelaide's Andy Otten fears he may need a reconstruction after injuring his knee against the Lions on the weekend. While Majak Daw's season is over due to a dislocated foot.

Collingwood had a great weekend, defeating Essendon by 17 points at Victoria Park in my new favourite league, the VFL.

August 8, 2014: Sam Newman's Nuts...

Mate, I really wanted to dedicate all of today's Smother to Sam Newman's nuts. After all, they are as synonymous with football as a pie and chips, and they've made at least many appearances as Scott Gumbleton. Alas, what else is there to say? Whilst the letters pages of various publications will fill themselves enthusiastically with reviews and assessments of offending scrotum, we're not sure there's that much to say - it's a show for footballing men, filled with footballing men engaging in the crass humour that appeals to footballing men. If that's not your thing, change the channel. Life can be pretty easy.

On to bigger matters though, and Nathan Fyfe's managers are attempting to somehow appeal his ineligibility for the Brownlow. Fyfe, who is one of the favourites to lead the vote count, is ineligible after a head clash with Michael Rischitelli earlier in the season. Just how Stride Management plan to challenge one of the League's longest-standing rules is unclear, though no-one is ruling out a Change.Org petition and a march on city hall. 

In the news...

Possum-eyes Toovey has called for the league to reintroduce the second-bye after next season. The second bye will not take place in 2015 due to the Cricket World Cup, but Toovey, whose injured back has seem him take a few extra byes this season, has a spiritual argument "the time we had away in that bye gave us a chance to reflect". 

Mitch Robinson has joined Carlton's list of 2014 bad-boys after suffering a fractured eye-socket in the same brawl that saw Jeff Garlett hospitalised. "This type of behaviour will not be tolerated at our football club" joked football manager Andrew Mackay. 

It's Supercoach finals time! Anyone who still cares can see the teams here.

Thursday, August 7, 2014: Make you proud...

Ahhh Richmond. After all the excitement of 2013, when it looked like the Tigers had finally assembled a list that could bring some relief to long-suffering supporters, 2014 was supposed to be the year they climbed to new heights. Of course, that didn't eventuate. Instead, a bout of general poorness struck the list, cruelly ripping away the hopes of their supporters, and greatly amusing everyone else.

Of course, the season isn't over - at least not mathematically. A win this weekend would see the Tiggs within touching distance of the coveted ninth place, an achievement they made their own in recent years. Damian Hardwick, however, isn't worried about finals. "We've just got to make sure we win as many games as we can" said the coach, "and more importantly, play a brand of footy that our fans, supporters and members are proud of".

That's the rub really. When your team promises so much and delivers so little, all you can hold on to is pride.

In the news...
The bearded wonder Justin Westhoff is in doubt to face Sydney with an ankle injury. He tweaked the ankle in training and the call will be made on Saturday morning.

North Melbourne will debut the League's youngest player against the League's youngest club, The Giants, this weekend. Kayne Turner is an 18 year old from the Murray Bushrangers.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014: That's entertainment

Well, well, well. After we went out of our way to give those ungrateful sheep-jumpers a taste of the big time, an actual AFL game between two actual AFL teams. After we went to all the effort of getting passports and legal clearance for St. Kilda players to leave the country - which is not an insignificant task given their recent history - finding goalposts and footballs and all the other detritus. After all of that, they come down and whack our footballers with a tax bill for providing entertainment.

We've got something worked out for the bro's across the water. Next year, we're sending Fremantle to play Melbourne. With the teams unlikely to manage 5 goals between them, let's see them call that entertainment.

In the news...
The Giants are pleased with the response of Toby Greene after his six week ban for punching strangers. "I feel like we got it right" said Callan Ward.

Jason Winderlich has announced that 2014 will be his last season. "I'm certainly going to miss the banter around the club" he said, which presumably means he enjoys conversations about what exactly was in that needle.

Dane Swan may return for Collingwood's trip to Perth to face the Eagles. Swan hasn't played since the Pies round-17 drubbing by Essendon.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014: A travesty of justice...

Following Conca's Bad Fur Day (geddit, 90's kids) yesterday, the big story from the MRP became a shock one-match ban to Geelong's Steve Johnson. Stevey J has been issued the ban for an errant knee which struck the chest of Norf's Scott Thompson, but his coach - whichever Scott it is who wears that particularly shade of blue and white - is less then happy with the incident.

"There's been a travesty of justice here" said Scott, announcing that the Cats would challenge the ban. In this world of chaos, refugees, the Gaza strip, the Bali 9 etc., this may seem live an overstatement. To the Cats, losing a star player on the eve of the biggest game of their season, it's pretty much on par.

In the news...
Reece Conca has been given a 2-match ban for his graceful felling of Devon Smith, Richmond will accept the ban.

Jeff Garlett was put in hospital after a brawl on Lonsdale Street on Sunday Night. Garlett played in the VFL, and was apparently standing outside the bar at 5am when the brawl occurred.

Hawthorn has re-signed Angus Litherland. "I love the club" he said.

Monday, August 4, 2014: Sorry mate, there you go...

Another week, another Richmond player doing something stupid. Reece Conca's Saturday afternoon brain-fade, in which he pursued Devon Smith toward the interchange bench to fell him with an elbow to the back of the head, will be assessed by the Match Review Panel shortly. Depending on their opinion of the impact, predicted to be low or medium, Conca will face a ban of 1-2 weeks.

Conca was contrite on the Sunday Footy Show, conceding that chasing and elbowing Smith was "not the smartest move", when asked to apologise to Smith - as Tyrone Vickery did to Dean Cox last week - Conca was succinct, if not very sincere. "Sorry mate... there you go".

For Richmond, now only 2 games away from another amusing ninth place finish, the loss of two key players for mind-numbingly stupid, not to mention cowardly, acts, will not help. For Essendon, who play Richmond on Friday night, it is a pertinent reminder of the important of vigilance, particularly with Richmond players behind them.

In the news...
Port Adelaide's John Butcher and Jarrad Redden are in hospital with suspected meningitis. Whether or not this is related to the teams on-field choking is yet to be confirmed.

The MCG is confident in it's back-up system after a power outage caused two light towers to fail on Saturday evening. "Pleasingly, the system worked as it should.... the game was not interrupted" said MCC spokesman Shane Brown.

Scott Gumbleton is injured again.  

Friday, August 1, 2014: In Liam Pickering's Wheely Bin...

Poor Pickers. After losing Buddy from his management stables during the week, Scott Pendlebury has also walked out on him, making this week perhaps the most dramatic in management news since a certain curly-haired fella paid a visit to a young friend in a hotel. Though the Pendlebury and Buddy splits were apparently without acrimony, there is a lingering legal battle between Pickering and his former business partner concerning $2m in lost Buddy dollars.

It's great news for SEN, where Pickering will feature tomorrow morning for his weekly segment, as well as Caroline Wilson who presumably is already hiding in Pickering's wheely bin waiting for a scoop. The losers are the rest of us, who will, rather than hearing about football, will have an extra serve of men in suits arguing about money.

In the news...
Teams are here. 'Bout it...