Monday, March 24, 2014: In crisis...

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Thursday night review

Oh controversy. That monkey that ambled into Etihad Stadium on Friday night on the backs of Essendon, yet surreptitiously scampered under the door frame of North Melbourne's rooms and left squarely in their possession. Though its ghost still lingers at Windy Hill, and in the Westpac Centre and up north at the Gabba, at the conclusion of round one controversy has made quite a home for itself at Arden Street.

The Kangaroos are in crisis. Let's not forget they've now lost one game in a row, against a side who are likely to finish - barring further developments from ASADA - in the top 4 and with genuine Premiership ambitions. Even the President has heaped the pressure on the Roos, and the coach (for now), Brad Scott, called the performance 'horrific'. Gary Lyon and Damian Barrett went as far as to call it the 'worst performance of the round'

It's hard to believe, given this mess, that North haven't just shut down and re-deployed their players as PE teachers in local schools, hoping to in-time recoup some of the extraordinary losses on players who clearly will never be able to play the game - unless, as we consider likely, they come out next week and beat the Bulldogs while Essendon show the Hawks how realistic their title aspirations are.

That outcome would leave controversy to find a new home, and leave a lot of people looking mighty silly.


Monday Wrap
Thursday:
Geelong 119 defeated Adelaide 81
Friday:
Essendon 99 defeated North Melbourne 60
Saturday:
Hawthorn 139 defeated Brisbane 91
St. Kilda 68 defeated Melbourne 51
Sunday
West Coast 134 defeated Western Bulldogs 69

Ladder:
Fremantle - 4
West Coast - 4
Essendon - 4
Hawthorn - 4
GWS Giants - 4
Geelong - 4
Port Adelaide - 4
St. Kilda - 4
Gold Coast - 4
Richmond - 0
Melbourne - 0
Carlton - 0
Adelaide - 0
Sydney - 0
Brisbane - 0
Western Bulldogs - 0
Collingwood - 0


In the news...
Brisbane's Tom Rockliff has been offered a one week ban by the MRP Sharrod Wellingham has been offered a reprimand, Lewis Johnson and Josh Gibson have been cleared.

Adelaide's Richard Douglas may make a surprise appearance in the first ever Adelaide Oval Showdown. View a strange maybe photo maybe painting of him here.

In proof that Sydney people don't read Melbourne newspapers, the Swans have re-signed John Longmire.

And finally, Matthew Lloyd is confident that James Hird will still coach in 2015 despite the alleged animosity between the Hird camp and Essendon.

Friday, February 28, 2014: A permanent marker and a petting zoo...

Here at Smother House, we know better than most how hard it is to run a business. We've spent weeks trying to achieve the grandiose dreams of our ambitious president (who has asked that he only be referred to as The Big Cheese), only to realise that when you fix one problem, another seven or so pop up. The Big Cheese used to regularly barge in our office, stumbling over McDonalds packaging and shouting things like 'I said I wanted the biggest football blog in the world and you give me piss-poor articles about Romeo and Juliet. Dammit Smother, you haven't written anything funny since that one joke about Alex Fasolo'.

Luckily for our already depleted self-esteem, he's stopped doing that. In fact, he's stopped reading entirely. The Big Cheese now presumably spends his days windsurfing off the coast of Elsternwick, occasionally meeting with Eddie McGuire to discuss the perversity of taxing millionaires and completely ignoring our request for a marketing budget.

Which is why we feel sorry for Alan Joyce, the lovable Irish rogue who is slowly destroying our national airline and sacking all of his staff in order to compete with Virgin. Joyce is just like us really, trying to play whack-a-mole with a stretched budget, pouring money into one area and then watching another disaster unfold in the very place he took that money from. We, for example, sensed that the reason for deplorable lack of jokes was due to a general lack of energy, yet when we sacked scores of writers in order to purchase a coffee machine, we quickly discovered that we'd sacked the guy who came up with the Alex Fasolo joke, and the few of us left were still to break our comedic ducks. A problem that no amount of lightly frothed milk in a perfectly pulled Espresso could amend.

But we digress, and given digressing is something we were specifically warned about by The Big Cheese before his disappearance, it's time to talk about football. Specifically the Swans, who lost by 35 points to the Eagles in Blacktown last night. When John Longmire spent $10m obtaining Lance Moneyball Franklin from Hawthorn, he may have fallen into the same trap as we did with the coffee machine.

"The ball didn't really get down there and when it did it didn't come with any quality" said Longmire, explaining why his $10m man kicked a solitary behind in the loss. "We didn't win the ball, which is the most basic of basics and we didn't do it. I'm not thrilled." What the Swans learnt last night, albeit in the hardest way possible, was that when the ball is at the other end of the ground your forwards are about as important as the news that ASADA has finished stage 175 of its 250 stage investigation into Essendon. 

Of course, Buddy wasn't all about goals, he is also a marketing tool. Perhaps the Swans can maximise that investment by giving him a permanent marker and a petting zoo, signing autographs and amusing the local children while Heath Grundy deals with the swarm of opposition forwards.   


In the news...
Chris Scott, John Longmire, Mark Thompson, Alan Richardson, Justin Leppitsch and Adam Simpson have united to encourage fans to behave themselves while in the crowd. "People think that when you pay the price of a ticket that you can leave your morals or ethics behind for the two hours of the match" grumbled AFL Operations Manager Mark Evans, adding that "it's up to the adults in the crowd to show the way". (It is understood that attempt to invite Alastair Clarkson failed to reach him as he had previously smashed the phone they tried to call him on). 

However, if the AFL needs adults to send a message, they should go no further than Eddie McGuire and Andrew Newbold, who spent yesterday at AFL House discussing the leagues equalisation plans. "I think everyone knows how to behave and we'll be fine" said Newbold of his Presidential counterparts. 

McGuire has stepped up his campaign against the tax, accusing the other clubs of being dole bludgers "You work all your life, you've got your family and you've got your assets in play… and I come in and say, 'That's good, but I'm going to take three quarters of your money off you… and give it to the blokes who have been cheating down the road, not going to work, have been sitting on the porch smoking a cigar" He moaned, between high-paying board meetings. 

The infamous Marley Williams 'warning punch' continues to dog the young defender, he was sent home from Collingwood's Gold Coast training camp, though he did enjoy White Water World, and looks certain to miss at least the first 6 rounds while he awaits sentencing. 

Footy Operations Guy Mark Evans has completed a wide-ranging interview for AFL.com.au, declaring ominously that the centre bounce is safe... for now. 

Meanwhile, the final two games of the NAB Challenge are on this weekend. Melbourne and Geelong will clash in Darwin tonight, and GWS will take on St. Kilda on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga. The NAB Challenge will then give way to a series of practice matches, with Gold Coast taking on Collingwood on Sunday.