Friday, March 21, 2014: A tired father feigning effort...

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Thursday night review

Geelong 119 defeated Adelaide 81

Say what you will about Adelaide. It seems that everyone, Patrick Dangerfield included, has stuck the boot into a club which has gone from within a kick of a Grand Final to a bottom 8 team in a few short months. The club did the impossible at the trade table, in a deal that saw it donate Kurt Tippett to the Swans and cop a fine for its generosity. Left completely bereft of draft picks, a forward line or even the faith of their own captain - at least the Crows have a sense of occasion.

Monday, February 24, 2014: Waiting for a cricket match that will never arrive....

A typical Monday at Smother House is spent lamenting decisions which seemed entirely sensible at the time, only to have terrible repercussions later. Decisions like an impromptu Sunday session which, viewed in the cold hard light of Monday morning, did not serve us well for delivering a blog that is even of NAB Challenge standard by our 11am-ish deadline.

Which is why, at 1 minute to 12 and with a pounding headache, we feel some sympathy for the AFL and the VCA. It must have seemed completely logical to them to reserve a 100,000 seat stadium for a cricket match which might not even happen and even if it does will bring a maximum crowd of 500, leaving the 70 plus thousand people who might want to watch an Essendon Hawthorn grudge match to squeeze into the 55,000 seat Docklands superdome.

Of course, hindsight is 20-20, and with Victoria languishing at the bottom of the Sheffield Shield table, that decision seems somewhat erroneous. So, just like our parents and friends won't easily forgive our Sunday afternoon pub-crawl antics and ill-directed snapchats, the Essendon and Hawthorn fans who miss out on a seat at the Dome (while the MCG lies in wait for a cricket match that will never arrive) may not be entirely happy with your behaviour.

A word of warning, though the Panadol might erase the headache, it won't make you look any less foolish.

BREAKING NEWS

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In the news...
Former Carlton ruckman Justin Madden has gone Zoolander and planned to open the Justin Madden Centre for tall people who can't run good and want to learn to do other stuff good as well. "Big fellas in my era – particularly those like myself who lacked athleticism, coordination and a physique – were specialist ruckmen from the start" he said of his Ruck Academy initiative.

Brisbane Lion Sam Mayes has inspired his teammates, signing on at the Gabba until the end of 2016 despite the crippling homesickness that saw most of their young talent depart at the end of last season. "I've found it a little bit easier because me and three other first year boys moved into a house together. We've got a pool out the back, so it's pretty easy to get the other boys to come around" he said, leaving Michael Voss to wonder if building a pool for Jared Polec, Patrick Karnezis, Billy Longer, Sam Docherty and Elliot Yeo could have saved his job. 

In other signing news, Jack Gunston will remain at the Hawks until 2016 after deciding he doesn't like changing clubs - "To change from one club to another is something I don’t want to do again. It’s not the most enjoyable thing" . 

Hawthorn, Richmond and Brisbane won the weekend's NAB Challenge matches in a competition that is becoming increasingly hard to care about, while Geelong has lost Nathan Vardy for the season after an ACL injury at training. 

Tuesday February 17: Great oratory...

Vive Le Revolution...

With the abundance of 'yeah, nah' and a horrid habit of appropriating senseless grammatical crimes from American sports, football and great oratory are two things not often associated with each other. Occasionally though, someone steps up and delivers a speech so gosh darn inspirational that we here at Smother House feel the need to drape ourselves in an AFL flag, wipe our weeping eyes and march down to Demetriou's waterfront office shouting Vive Le Revolution.

Yesterday, that man was Alastair Clarkson. "For too long, coaches have had that attitude or felt they should. For too long, we've said nothing. We need to speak up about this" He Martin Luther-Kinged, ''We're only temporary custodians. We're just here to protect the game and pass the baton on to the next generation and ensure it is in a good state.

''We've just got to make sure that things like what happened last year must never be allowed to ambush the game again, to tarnish what is a great game"

He was, of course, referring to Essendon, and with the usual decorum that has defined the Hawthorn-Essendon relationship over the years, he couldn't resist the chance to pass comment on exiled dictator James Hird. "'Hirdy needs accreditation to coach under nines but not an AFL footy team. It really concerns me that the game doesn't protect itself in the way, say, the teaching industry does." Tasty stuff...

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Meanwhile, new West Coast Coach Adam Simpson has promised a tangible sense of chaos for tonight's faux derby in a place I've never heard of. "I’d like 10 games before round one to be honest. It could get messy on the weekend", he teased, leaving the waiting media whether or not he had spent the afternoon on Tinder looking for big strong men who could possibly hold down a key position. 

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The cost of living allowance (COLA) debate has drawn on, with Mike Fitzpatrick giving the strongest hint yet that the COLA has little, it anything, to do with the COL. 

Asked about the changes, AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick showed the standard political guile required of an AFL chairman by answering an entirely different and completely made up question that he felt more equipped to answer. "I think if your question is, are Greater Western Sydney at a different stage of development to Sydney? (it wasn't...) I think the answer's yes", he self-answered, showing a limited understanding of either the property market, the purpose of the allowance, or both.


The most likely path appears to be the removal of the COLA, replacing it with an 'expansion allowance' which will allow GWS to continue to rort the system while appeasing those outraged by Lance Franklin's signings. A 'yeah, nah' if ever we heard one...

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In the news...

43 touches and 7 inside-50's for David Zaharakis was not enough to get the Bombers over the line at Metricon Stadium last night, with a Gary Ablett buzzer-beater getting the Suns home 90-89.
Essendon youngster Alex Browne suffered a leg injury of as-yet-unformed severity, while the Gold Coast shook of a shoulder scare to recruit Sean Lemmens. "He may be right next week, if not definitely for Collingwood" said Guy McKenna, proving that if the draft gives you Lemmens, you should send someone to Lemmens aid. 

The Gold Coast's Sean Lemmens is likely to play next week despite a shoulder scare, when the draft gives you Lemmens...

Adelaide have added Ricky Henderson to a pre-season casualty list which already includes captain Nathan Van Berlo. Henderson has a suspected leg fracture after landing awkwardly in a tackle.


Go go gadget...
Maverick Weller, who has moved from Gold Coast to St. Kilda, has praised the proportions of the Sun's prodigy Jack Martin."It’s not that he’s that tall but I reckon he’s got really long arms, which helps him take a good catch.", said Weller. 

Friday, February 14, 2014: Don't break the teacup

It was a scene reminiscent of the latter episodes of Breaking Bad. Gary March and Damien Hardwick emerging from a cloud of smoke, holding a broken teacup and draped in matching yellow and black Hazmat suits.

That teacup was the very same that only a few days ago had held the storm about the omission of a certain Full Forward from the club's leadership group. A teacup that that certain Full Forward who used to be in Richmond's leadership group (FFWUTBIRLG) had inexplicably smashed, taking a relatively minor news story and splashing it recklessly across every back page in the Melbourne metro area.

We, for one, feel bad for the FFWUTBIRLG. So incensed was FFWUTBIRLG at the coverage of his demotion that he struck back, banning himself from any media appearances. Why the media ban strategy, which thus far has ensured blanket coverage of FFWUTBIRLG across every conceivable form of media, was chosen (in preference to the perhaps more sensible strategy of shutting up and letting the story blow over) is unclear, the aforementioned media ban precluding any further enquiries.

Still, it survives as a pertinent reminder to footballers heading into the new season. Don't break the teacup, don't EVER break the teacup.
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Speaking of breaking things, full points to the AFL for attempting to break the (at least slightly self-inflicted) assumption that multiculturalism was something that happened entirely separately from white people. Naming Jobe Watson as a multicultural ambassador was a welcome move, not that we can say it any better than Nic Natanui - "There's always a token black guy... now there's a token white guy".

On matters pertaining to the actual kicking of the red thing, we feel it would behoove us to remind Hawthorn that no-one likes a show-off. Already Premiers and facing a Brisbane side who were as recognisable as the cast in those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise, Hawthorn Harlem Globetrotted there way to a 131 point victory. It was almost as hard to watch as those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise.

It is worth remembering that in one of the most of striking examples of peaking too early in recent memory, Brisbane won the pre-season competition last year before falling in a heap. "In six weeks weeks time, you won't know it happened" said Justin Leppitsch, indicating either that up north hope springs eternal, or that worse is yet to come. 

In the news....
Richmond and Melbourne will clash tonight at Docklands Superdome to decide once and for all just who will win that.
World renowned laid-back nice guy Nathan Buckley has praised the umpires after Wednesday nights NAB Challenge opener.
In what is shaping as the League's first 'show and tell' after the recruiting season, Dale Thomas and Nick Dal Santo will debut for their respective teams in Ballarat tomorrow night.
Jobe Watson has issued a timely reminder that Essendon will indeed be entering the AFL this season. "What (interim coach Mark Thompson) has said is 2014 is not a transition period", he said, "he is not going to allow it to be a wasted season."

Thursday, February 13, 2014: Winning form is (maybe) good form...

Form is an elusive beast. While most coaches agree that good form is good, there is some conjecture on whether bad form is necessarily bad, especially in this pre-season 'challenge', where players can be 'better for the run'. Regardless of the debate on its value, form was the first of our few justifications for saying goodbye to our loved ones and setting in for 18 days of ultimately meaningless football.

The second were the umpires, and whether recent rule changes would finally allow an enraged Travis Cloke to perform some jiu jitso wrestling maneuver on his opponent, forcing the poor defender to eat the grass with one hand while taking juggling marks with the other. That there were only 27 free kicks for the game was a positive sign in that regard, although that was offset by an average 45 degree trajectory on the centre bounce. The rustiness of the affair was not confined to the players. 

The third is of course injuries, the prevention of which is the ultimate goal of these pre-season dalliances. Geelong looks to have lost George Brrrrrrberry to a broken jaw, after the 21 year old made a promising start. Collingwood's Nathan Freeman tore a hamstring, and Tim Broomhead damaged a hand, although he's hopeful of brushing it off before round one (sorry...). Brodie Grundy returned to the field after a head-clash, although he may require surgery to remove a malignant hair bun that threatens to bring the game, and indeed the country, into disrepute.

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Meanwhile, with all the enthusiasm of a hungover teenager on a family beach trip, we turn our attention to tonight's all-holds-barred jog around at the Docklands Dome. Hawthorn coach Alistair Clarkson, fresh from Premiership glory, has done his best to inject some fun into the occasion, adopting the role of game show host to fend off questions about how his club will fill the now infamous Bud-hole. 
"How is our forward line going to structure up without Bud? Who is going to replace him? Is it a taller player or a smaller type of a combination of both?" he questioned, lacking only a spinning wheel and Adriana Xenides. "The same goes for Guerra going out of our back end. Is that Taylor Duryea or Matt Suckling?"

Unfortunately, with the game show gag thoroughly exhausted*, not even Clarkson could muster much in the way of excitement for tonight's contest.  "we will get some kind of gauge of where our guys are at compared to the other 17 clubs" he opined, before completely retracting everything he'd just said, "I think we lost three out of four games in the NAB last year, three of them by a point, but it's not an accurate gauge in terms of what happens in the main season."

"But winning is good form" he added, his strongest hint yet that he will actually attend the match.

*by his standards, not ours. If we even vaguely approach funny we're milking that cow until it flops.

Other news...

St. Kilda's Rhys Stanley has promised to "play his natural game" in 2014, which supporters hope is football, given the salary he is paid. Payback Records boss (and former Essendon footballer) Nathan Lovett-Murray raps to The Age about The Hird. 
Jack Riewoldt has been dumped from Richmond's leadership group, Caroline Wilson thinks it's a sign of deeper problems.