Monday, March 17, 2014: Anyone holding their breath has long since dropped dead

"The top four have got every right to think it's between 11 and one, the rest of us ... I would say we're approaching 11 o'clock. There's a lot of sides approaching 11 o'clock. We want to be progressing through 11 o'clock into it. I don't see any reason why that can't be the case. We've got a very good blend of senior players and we've got a good blend in the middle."
Mick Malthouse, Saturday. 

"It's not a matter of whether we're in the window or not, it's a matter of making sure you win enough games of football. The last thing that'll be on our mind or any players' mind is where's the window?"
Mick Malthouse, Sunday

So that's that then, in only a few hours - and following a game in which they were run off their feet by Port Adelaide - Carlton's premiership clock/window is not so much expired as it is now irrelevant. The entire analogy, after forming the basis of his pre-match press conference, was disposed of with the disdain that Malthouse usually reserves for those he's speaking to (or at least a sandwhich-eating cameraman).

Wednesday, March 5, 2014: Purchasing as many petards as they could carry....

With the league's pre-season cheese convention well and truly underway, the suited ones have headed west to Adelaide to argue about money. Chunks of cheese have dominated The Smother this week, and the unfettered cheddar discussion has continued with the revelation that outgoing AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou took home $3.8m for his efforts in 2013.

Although the figure is inflated by a $2m performance payment which was earned over previous years - presumably for achieving goals like not taking a six week mid-season jaunt around Europe - there are many within AFL land who think the fee to be somewhat excessive. On this we agree, but that may be a case of sour grapes given that negotiations with our own Big Cheese, the CEO at Smother Enterprises, fell well short of expectations. We are pleased with the decision not to fire us, but we continue to oppose the Eddie McGuire style public lashings that the boss has instituted. Our opposition, however, only seems to increase the intensity of the whippings. Truth be told, we're not real good at helping ourselves.

Speaking of which, with Sydney set to lose their controversial cost-of-living-allowance (COLA), we wonder if they too have been hoisted by their own petard. While, perhaps not so much as hoisted by their own petard, rather purchasing as many petards as they could carry, delivering them personally to Eddie McGuire and telling him to do with them as he wished. With the COLA argument heating up, common wisdom might have suggested keeping their heads down and avoiding anything that might serve as a flash-point in the argument. Something like, you know, signing the league's biggest player to a multi-millon dollar ten-year deal.

Instead, the Swans made a substantial donation to the armaments of the very men who were campaigning to have the COLA abolished, and in the end it has proved too much for the league to ignore. Although Demetriou denies that Buddy influenced the decision to remove the allowance, he also denied having any regrets about the way he handled the ASADA saga....

In the news...
The 18 AFL Captains gathered at the redeveloped Adelaide Oval today, and they wasted no time in coming out swinging against the Herald Sun. "As leaders of the playing group, we think it's appropriate to stand up, and lend our voice and influence, in condemning the mistreatment of vulnerable players. That's our responsibility" said the captain of the captains, Matthew Pavlich.

The AFL also took the opportunity to do some market research on the skippers, revealing that Hawthorn, Sydney and Fremantle are Premiership favourites among the admittedly niche market of AFL Captains. They also chose Scott Pendlebury for the Brownlow, Travis Cloke and Josh Kennedy to share the Coleman and Jack Martin as Rising Star.  

While it's small change for Demetriou, Carlton's Marc Murphy is close to re-signing with the Blues on a 4 year, $700,000-a-season deal.

And finally, Geelong's George Burberry has celebrated returning to training - after having his jaw broken in the pre-season - by donning a rather fitting bright pink cap.

Friday, February 28, 2014: A permanent marker and a petting zoo...

Here at Smother House, we know better than most how hard it is to run a business. We've spent weeks trying to achieve the grandiose dreams of our ambitious president (who has asked that he only be referred to as The Big Cheese), only to realise that when you fix one problem, another seven or so pop up. The Big Cheese used to regularly barge in our office, stumbling over McDonalds packaging and shouting things like 'I said I wanted the biggest football blog in the world and you give me piss-poor articles about Romeo and Juliet. Dammit Smother, you haven't written anything funny since that one joke about Alex Fasolo'.

Luckily for our already depleted self-esteem, he's stopped doing that. In fact, he's stopped reading entirely. The Big Cheese now presumably spends his days windsurfing off the coast of Elsternwick, occasionally meeting with Eddie McGuire to discuss the perversity of taxing millionaires and completely ignoring our request for a marketing budget.

Which is why we feel sorry for Alan Joyce, the lovable Irish rogue who is slowly destroying our national airline and sacking all of his staff in order to compete with Virgin. Joyce is just like us really, trying to play whack-a-mole with a stretched budget, pouring money into one area and then watching another disaster unfold in the very place he took that money from. We, for example, sensed that the reason for deplorable lack of jokes was due to a general lack of energy, yet when we sacked scores of writers in order to purchase a coffee machine, we quickly discovered that we'd sacked the guy who came up with the Alex Fasolo joke, and the few of us left were still to break our comedic ducks. A problem that no amount of lightly frothed milk in a perfectly pulled Espresso could amend.

But we digress, and given digressing is something we were specifically warned about by The Big Cheese before his disappearance, it's time to talk about football. Specifically the Swans, who lost by 35 points to the Eagles in Blacktown last night. When John Longmire spent $10m obtaining Lance Moneyball Franklin from Hawthorn, he may have fallen into the same trap as we did with the coffee machine.

"The ball didn't really get down there and when it did it didn't come with any quality" said Longmire, explaining why his $10m man kicked a solitary behind in the loss. "We didn't win the ball, which is the most basic of basics and we didn't do it. I'm not thrilled." What the Swans learnt last night, albeit in the hardest way possible, was that when the ball is at the other end of the ground your forwards are about as important as the news that ASADA has finished stage 175 of its 250 stage investigation into Essendon. 

Of course, Buddy wasn't all about goals, he is also a marketing tool. Perhaps the Swans can maximise that investment by giving him a permanent marker and a petting zoo, signing autographs and amusing the local children while Heath Grundy deals with the swarm of opposition forwards.   


In the news...
Chris Scott, John Longmire, Mark Thompson, Alan Richardson, Justin Leppitsch and Adam Simpson have united to encourage fans to behave themselves while in the crowd. "People think that when you pay the price of a ticket that you can leave your morals or ethics behind for the two hours of the match" grumbled AFL Operations Manager Mark Evans, adding that "it's up to the adults in the crowd to show the way". (It is understood that attempt to invite Alastair Clarkson failed to reach him as he had previously smashed the phone they tried to call him on). 

However, if the AFL needs adults to send a message, they should go no further than Eddie McGuire and Andrew Newbold, who spent yesterday at AFL House discussing the leagues equalisation plans. "I think everyone knows how to behave and we'll be fine" said Newbold of his Presidential counterparts. 

McGuire has stepped up his campaign against the tax, accusing the other clubs of being dole bludgers "You work all your life, you've got your family and you've got your assets in play… and I come in and say, 'That's good, but I'm going to take three quarters of your money off you… and give it to the blokes who have been cheating down the road, not going to work, have been sitting on the porch smoking a cigar" He moaned, between high-paying board meetings. 

The infamous Marley Williams 'warning punch' continues to dog the young defender, he was sent home from Collingwood's Gold Coast training camp, though he did enjoy White Water World, and looks certain to miss at least the first 6 rounds while he awaits sentencing. 

Footy Operations Guy Mark Evans has completed a wide-ranging interview for AFL.com.au, declaring ominously that the centre bounce is safe... for now. 

Meanwhile, the final two games of the NAB Challenge are on this weekend. Melbourne and Geelong will clash in Darwin tonight, and GWS will take on St. Kilda on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga. The NAB Challenge will then give way to a series of practice matches, with Gold Coast taking on Collingwood on Sunday. 

Friday, February 21, 2014: Cheering and being a squad...

From his understated Toorak manor, the reserved philanthropist, amateur economist and Collingwood president had finally seen enough. After staying silent for countless hours, the media shy Edward McGuire finally said what needed to be said. It is time that "everyone, players included, make their workplaces successful and thriving. Otherwise, the lessons that have been learnt today - at Ford, Toyota and Alcoa - will be wasted on the AFL."

"Let's sort out the economy of football, so that everybody continues to have a job and that we have a great competition" McGuire lectured, reminding all of us the ultimate fragility of the pathway from AFL player to person employed in a position they have no little to no qualifications for. 

We mustn't forget McGuire's history in the providing jobs for downtrodden workers who don't necessarily having the prerequisite skills or experience. The club he quietly leads, Collingwood, has employed former lanky defender Simon Prestigiacomo as its merchandise manager, retired midfielder Nathan Buckley as head coach, and as recently as last year employed retrenched Jordan Russell as an AFL player despite a complete inability to kick a football.

And the economic smarts at Collingwood don't stop there. The industrial age theory of specialisation, which allowed factories to thrive by giving employees small tasks at which they can become highly proficient, is now officially back in vogue at the Westpac Centre with yesterday's announcement that they had relieved their cheer squad of the onerous task of sticky-taping bits of crepe together.

"Volunteers will create the banner, members will hold it up" professed club spokesman Stephen Rielly, noting that this would allow the cheer squad to focus on their core business of cheering and being a squad. "the cheer squad will be all about barracking and sounding great on the day... We want them to not be concerned about the banner and to focus on making a lot of noise". The move came as a result of an off-season survey which allowed the club to glean the ultimate goal of the cheer squad (that being to be "more unified and make a bigger noise" ie: cheering and being a squad).

And while on first glance it may seem like a blatant commercial ploy, we here at Smother House understand the difficulty that some behind the goals feel when deciding whether to go with the quintessential 'Collingwood-clap-clap-clap', or the moving ballad 'Colllll-inggggggg-woood'. It's the same challenge Oasis must face when choosing a set from their daunting back-catalogue, and they have roadies for the heavy lifting....
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In the news...
Sydney defeated a plucky GWS side by 40 points in Canberra last night, with the Swans bearded backline of Rhyce Shaw and Nick Malceski holding strong. The weekend will see Hawthorn play North Melbourne in Launceston, Collingwood take on Richmond in Wangaratta and another pretend derby between Gold Coast and Brisbane on Sunday in Townsville. 

Despite his lack of any time at Collingwood, Carlton midfielder and personal friend of Bryce Gibbs Marc Murphy looks set to re-sign. "I'm pretty close to 'Gibbsy' and from talking to Gibbsy I don't think he'll be going anywhere", he name-dropped.

Morning TV host and Port Adelaide chairman David Koch has revealed he would sack Jake King over his friendship with Bandido Toby Mitchell. ""We would get rid of him, absolutely, as simple as that," he holier-than-thou'd, from behind a camera a long way from Bandido Toby Mitchell. 

Young Magpie Marley Williams has been found guilty of causing Grievous Bodily Harm after his warning punch erronoeusly connected with the jaw of a man in an Albany pub. "I was not intending to hurt anyone. It was more of a warning punch. It was either strike or be beaten up" he said.

Jack Riewoldt has stuck to his media ban, withdrawing from Saturday night's NAB Challenge game with a thigh injury due to the presence of cameras.

Thursday, February 20, 2014: A seat that is becoming very hard to sit in...

"All we are saying is to be careful, make sure they have done everything in their power to be ready to get into a seat that is becoming very hard to sit in.''

The excitement at Smother House hit fever pitch yesterday when we assumed, after hearing the above quote, that AFL Coaches Association head Danny Frawley had taken our side. The couch from which we consume endless hours of sport is indeed becoming hard to sit in; the sweat patches from throughout The Ashes have meshed with a variety of food stains creating super stains that are of some interest the CSIRO. Yet, despite our desperate appeals to Fair Work Australia and the United Nations, our humble couch was somehow deemed a safe workplace. A voice like Frawley's is just what we needed to convince our overlords to replace the couch, or at least cover it in some plastic sheeting - Chernobyl style.  

Alas, we felt a wave of disappointment when we read on and realised he was not at all concerned with our safety. The chair to which Frawley referred was indeed the one occupied by our 18 AFL coaches, and the qualifications that one should obtain. 

''It's a bit like a student that gets a perfect score in English in Year 12, and then the very next year asking them to go back to school and teach English. It just doesn't happen that way.'' he said, brandishing his own tumultuous career at Richmond as an example of the dangers of assuming that a good captain will make a good coach. Of course, in the wake of the startling illiteracy figures revealed last night, perhaps hiring English teachers with a vague proficiency in English mightn't be such a bad idea. 

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Another good idea was that of St. Kilda to recruit Eli Templeton, the dreadlocked wunderkind who bagged a brace of soccer goals in last night's NAB Challenge match with the Bulldogs. The Bulldogs ran out 11 point winners at a rain-soaked Simonds Stadium thanks largely to 3 goals from former dreadlocked wunderkind Luke Dahlhaus. 

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Buddy Franklin, Kurt Tippett and Tom Boyd lead the list of stars off the track for tonight's Startrack Oval pretend derby.  Jeremy Cameron will play for the Giants, along with recruits Heath Shaw, Josh Hunt, Shane Mumford, Dylan Addison and Jed Lamb. Rhyce Shaw will return for the Swans, along with ex-Blue Jeremy Laidler and Richmond Scrabble score Tom Derickx. 

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Meanwhile, the Match Review Panel looks set to continue without any major changes despite no-one having the faintest idea what it is they're doing. "It might be that we take a longer-term view of that and assess it across a full season before any major changes comes through, but there might some amendments to that system." said AFL operations manager Mark Evans of the panel that is becoming very hard to sit on...

In the news...

Chris Scott has put some faith in two of his injured chargers, declaring that Allen Christensen and Steven Motlop are "not replaceable players". "But we've got some pretty handy players who will come in and do a very serviceable job. It might not be quite as good" he said.

St. Kilda's efforts to replicate the transition of Chris Yarran from forward to defender has been put on ice, with Terry Milera set to remain up front for the Saints in 2014. "I enjoy kicking goals" said Milera, clearly unaware of the team he was playing for.

Luke Hodge will join Brad Sewell and Josh Gibson in Hawthorn's team for tomorrow night's NAB Challenge game in Launceston against the Kangaroos. Majak Daw will play for the Roos.

Collingwood player and massive Alex Fasolo fan Alex Fasolo is in the mix to play his first senior game since an foot injury in round 5 last year. "He is certainly right in the mix to be selected if he gets through training" said Collingwood football director Rodney Eade.

Monday February 17, 2014: Who's game is it anyway?

Where everything's made up and the points don't matter...

We're exhausted, grumpy and running out of microwavable cheese-burgers. Heading in to game 6 of this hasty attempt to balance the interests of a litany of conflicting parties, we have to admit it's getting a little tiresome. So while a half-baked Essendon side head north to face the Suns tonight, we were relieved to see a weekend which reminded us what football is about... men in suits arguing about money.

There's no denying the difficulty that faces Tony Shepherd, the man in the suit charged with creating an orange and white army to rival that of the Wanderers. It's not always easy being the new kid on the block. This is especially so when you're an AFL team in Western Sydney, an area that doesn't quite grasp the complexities of our great game and where the locals have ample other pursuits to occupy their weekends.

It makes complete sense for the Giants to try and gain some competitive advantage over their cross-city rivals, but one wonders whether Shepherd's weekend tirade against the Swans might backfire - or at least downfire and leave a gaping hole in his own foot.

 In an utterly confounding interview with Fairfax Media, Shepherd denounced the decision of his cross-town rivals to sign Buddy Franklin as 'not a good move', urging the media to ingore his own clubs protracted pursuit of the power forward. Even more astounding was his criticism of the Swan's 9.8% salary cap allowance, arguing that by signing Franklin, the Swans had abused the extra salary-cap space that the Giants also enjoy and tried to use to sign none other than Franklin. It's an argument fraught with hypocrisy that puts the AFL in the difficult position of removing the concession for Sydney while retaining it in the cheaper western suburbs.

It's surely not the last we'll see of the COLA furore. The AFL Commission are meeting in Sydney this week to decide whether, in this Socialist Animal Farm of a league, some animals are more equal than others. While it seems an interesting choice to hold the meeting in Sydney - where it will presumably cost 9.8% more than anywhere else - we're pretty sure that if you look from Giant to Swan, and from Swan to Giant, and from Giant to Swan again, it might be hard to tell which is which...

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In other news...

The Demon resurgence is well on-track under the inspired tutelage of Paul Roos. While James Frawley's optimism stopped just short of actually signing a contract with the Demons, he did take time to mention some of his teammates in the win over Richmond on Friday night - albeit with a small degree of backhand.
"You see Treds on Friday night, he had a form slump the last couple of years but on Friday night he comes out and has 35 touches" he said, leaving some wondering if two years is perhaps a bit beyond a slump. 

Carlton and Adelaide also celebrated meaningless victories on the weekend, with $2m man Eddie Betts kicking 5 goals in shorts that actually fit him and former Saint Nick Dal Santo picking up 29 touches.

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The knock on Wood

It would be patently unfair of us not to mention the remarkable 83 point Dream Team performance on surprise Carlton signing Cameron Wood. After he kicked the winning goal, we have upgraded our expectations of him from 'frustrating VFL ruckman' to 'potentially frustrating injury replacement'.