Wednesday, April 30, 2014: The Wednesday Smother Football Quiz

Wednesday Smother Quiz:

When Prime Minister Tony Abbott this week said "this is probably the most difficult search in human history", to what was he referring?

a) The search for flight MH370

b) The search for a successor to Andrew Demetriou. 

The answer is obvious of course. Although both were initially sold as gargantuan international operations, the truth is that while one of them involved scouring a large ocean for something quite big, the other simply involved a small office for someone quite small. The AFL's recruitment process had more in common with Jarrad Waite's dramatic dive early in the season; entirely theatrical and utterly unconvincing. 

But that hasn't stopped either the pundits nor the beggars coming forward with ample supplies of praise and advice for young Gillon McLachlan; who will take the hot seat when Demetriou vacates it in May. One of those was hotshot lawyer and Bulldogs Chief Peter Gordon, who has encouraged McLachlan to "introduce policies that radically review the question of how easy it is for a family to take their kids to the game and enjoy it". In short, fix the damn thing and fix it quickly. Gordon acknowledged that the league was at a "tension point" between making a profit and keeping the game affordable for families. 

This is all speculation of course, but perhaps an international manhunt for a man who was clearly sitting in the next office tapping his feet and staring at the clock the entire time was an unnecessary overhead...?

Enjoying The Smother? Tell your friends!

Tweet

Letters (thesmotherafl@gmail.com)

"Dear The Smother, 

You talentless hacks, so you can respond to Marco's Letter but my piles of correspondence go as yet unmentioned on your (expletive deleted)-house website. I assume you are to poor to afford an actual website? I'm not surprised! You're (sic)  jokes are (expletive deleted), and stop hanging (expletive deleted) on Carlton. We have more Premierships than you're (expletive deleted)-house team. Get ready for Friday night (expletive deleted)-head. I hope you write about me when Dale Thomas kicks 10 and you (expletive deleted) suck on our (expletive deleted).

-Anonymous, Carlton fan."

In the news...

Gold Coast coach Guy McKenna has challenged the media to hound Karmichael Hunt out of the game, with rumours abounding a return to the NRL. "The beauty about it is, the more we discuss is Karmichael in, is Karmichael out, you boys (the media) talking about it, it only stokes his fire. Keep doing it if you like and make it your story if you wish it to be" he reverse-psychologied.

Mark Thompson insists he is not holding any grudges against Stewart Crameri, who defected to the Bulldogs in the off-season. ""I haven't thought about Stewy much, this is the first time all year I've basically thought of him so we'll try and stop him kicking goals, then we won't think about him much again after that." he passive-aggressived unconvincingly. 

And finally, Nick Maxwell has high hopes that the welcoming nature of Collingwood will outshine any negative element when Dale Thomas runs out against the Pies for the first time on Friday night. "I'm sure they'll be cheering him every time he gets the ball," he told SEN radio. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014: Responding to recent criticism

Sometimes people send us emails (thesmotherafl@gmail.com) to provide some free and generally quite honest feedback on how our debut season is going. Last night, with tissues and a bottle of scotch on hand, we began a weekly cleansing process; reading each missive carefully and searching the space between the curse-words and insults for anything that could possibly be construed as constructive. One such example came from Marco of North Preston, who politely requested we do something called 'STFU' and also stop focusing so intently on the bottom rungs of the ladder. 

It was fair feedback, and one we're happy to take on board. We will Stop Teasing Fasolo Urgently, and for just this one day - we will let Carlton and Richmond languish in peace and take a look at the pointy end of the table. 

Let's recap. The Bombers nearly knocked off the Hawks, announcing themselves as a potential Premiership threat before the wheels fell off dramatically. Sydney and Fremantle's early season stumbles left Hawthorn as clear favourites, until they were humbled by the Cats, who were subsequently humbled by the Power on Sunday. The newspapers have been filled with witty headlines like 'Power Surge' and 'Shock Win' since, which leaves us to suspect that the Premiership is now there's to lose. 

Collingwood sit fourth, with two byes coming up (one against Carlton, the other an actual bye), while North Melbourne, the Suns and West Coast are hot on their tales. While we're yet to be convinced that any of the credentials of any of these challengers, it's only round seven. As they say, you can't win Premierships in April - and if you're Carlton you wont win one in September either. 

In the news....

Bad news for St. Kilda's 2015 Children's Membership Campaign, which was almost certain to called 'Team Templeton', with the dreadlocked youngster in doubt for the rest of the season after breaking an arm in Wellington. 

In a debate so regular you can almost set your watch to it, Scott Pendlebury and Gary Ablett have called for a return to State of Origin football. 

Sydney could be set to wield the most expensive forward line in AFL history with Lance Schumacher-Franklin, Kurt Tippett, Adam Goodes and Sam Reid all in the mix to take on Brisbane.  

And finally, in perhaps the most inconsequential story ever published on AFL.com.au, here is an in-depth analysis of the new digital MCG siren. 

 

Monday, April 28, 2014: The Curious Case of Richmond FC

A 70 year old baby, ageing in reverse. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was a much loved drama released in 2008. The 2014 remake, currently airing weekly throughout Australia, tells the story of a much loved football team who, on the verge of the ultimate glory, could only watch helplessly as their Premiership clock spins rapidly in reverse. As those at Richmond scramble to find a remedy for the hypnotic spin that is dragging the whole organisation back to square one, the rest of the competition becomes more and more sadistic; one wonders if even Carlton could inspire this degree of smugness.

Even the excuses at Richmond have had to be redrawn. The usual scapegoat for their underwhelming performance, Tyrone Vickery, is currently languishing in the seconds - leaving Richmond to accept the startling revelation that perhaps 2013 was a dramatic over-achievement by a club that just isn't very good.

So the clock spins backwards, the window slams shut, the rung falls out of the ladder. Whichever analogy you use, Richmond are back in the doldrums, and everyone's pretty happy with it.


The Monday Wrap
Friday
Collingwood 83 defeated Essendon 60
Brisbane 82 defeated St. Kilda 79
North Melbourne 74 defeated Fremantle 61
Saturday
Gold Coast 134 defeated GWS 94
Carlton 92 defeated West Coast 89
Sydney 69 defeated Melbourne 38
Sunday
Adelaide 92 defeated Western Bulldogs 83
Hawthorn 118 defeated Richmond 52
Port Adelaide 107 defeated Geelong 67

Ladder
Port Adelaide - 20 - 157.98% - (WLWWW)
Hawthorn - 20 - 155.29% -  (WWWLW)
Geelong - 20 - 128.38% - (WWWWL)
Collingwood - 16 - 107.58% - (WLWWW)
North Melbourne - 16 - 104.04% - (WWWLW)
Gold Coast - 16 - 94.79% - (LWLWW)
West Coast - 12 - 121.36% - (WWLLL)
Fremantle - 12 - 118.53% - (WLWLL)
Sydney - 12 - 103.46% - (LWLWW)
Adelaide - 12 - 100.85% - (LLWWW)
St. Kilda - 12 - 85.35% - (WLLWL)
Essendon - 8 - 104.96% - (LWLLL)
Richmond - 8 - 87.77% - (WLLWL)
GWS - 8 - 87.29% - (LWLLL)
Western Bulldogs - 8 - 83.25% - (LWWLL)
Carlton - 8 - 80.88% - (LLLWW)
Melbourne - 4 - 67.29% - (LLWLL)
Brisbane - 4 - 59.57% - (LLLLW)

Thursday, April 24, 2014: Missionary positions...

When the first missionaries traversed the seas to spread the word of God, they were armed with nothing but bibles and the bare necessities for survival. They are still remembered and praised, their names affixed to gloriously adorned chapels and churches. It's scarcely dignified work, and often involves introducing people to a concept that they've not only never heard of, but also one to which they possess a potentially violent disposition.

One suspects that Lance Franklin might have some empathy for these historical couriers of the good word, what with him being sent to a city that famously despises Aussie Rules and everything that goes along with it. To this end, he was fortunate not to have been sent to Western Sydney, the heartland of the Cronulla Riots and rugby and not much else; although at least the roads are a tad easier to navigate.

Buddy's efforts at getting the Victorian sport into New South Wales news should be held in no small regard. Though those of us who follow the game might argue that, on a strictly football based calculation, he was overpaid to such an extent that he now sits just between Victoria's desalination plant and the Myki ticketing system; the marketeers among us understand that goals and marks are not what this is about at all.

Buddy, like St Francis of Assisi before him, is getting paid to be in the news; to make Australian Rules the story of the day as often as possible. Whether that's by kicking bags or crashing cars matters not.

On another continent entirely, St. Kilda has its star players borrowing a tune from hopeful young performers outside the Comedy Festival; literally walking through Wellington handing out flyers. It's an ambitious ploy in an age where mass marketing still holds sway, and seeing as the league is prediction a 20-30% reduction on last years crowd - perhaps it needs a rethinking.

It's no secret that controversy travels faster than good news; perhaps it's time the saints re-signed Steven Milne.

______________________________

In the news....
Tex Walker is back in town. The Crows big man will play in the SANFL this weekend, a year after busting his knee.

Relief for the sea of savage Richmond fans who refuse to accept Ty Vickery as their own, with the forward unlikely to be recalled to the seniors this week.

And in great news for those of us sensible enough to support Collingwood, Tom Bellchambers and Brendan Goddard will miss tomorrow's ANZAC day game with ankle and adductor twangs respectively .

Wednesday, April 24, 2014: By any other name...

We nearly changed the name of The Smother. It was the end of round 4 and the numbers were bad, people just weren't reading The Smother like they used to. The theories were plentiful; the writing was bad, for one; the jokes were worse. Our normal lighthearted football commentary had been replaced with hastily assembled rants on things we didn't really understand. It had been a truly bad patch. 

As we saw it, we were left with two options: we could apologise, hope to retain the handful of readers who hadn't reported us for spam and grow from their; or we could change our name and hope no one ever remembers that The Smother ever existed. The answer came in the form of a text message from our now despondent corporate owner which simply read: 'The Smother by any other name, would still probably be sh*t'. 

We hope that this story might reach the appropriate people at AFL House before they make a similar decision on the controversial 'variable pricing' scheme. "Maybe we're better off not calling it variable ticketing? I think we should just go back to what we had previously termed it, which was reserved seat ticketing" said Andrew Demetriou yesterday. Demetriou's optimism, though always heart-warming, ignores the simple fact that they could call it 'Gary Ablett Ticketing System From Hell' and it still wouldn't make it anything more than an utterly confounding and overly complicated system that no sensible fan will ever understand. It also does little to help the fact that since the system has been brought in, crowds have dropped off. 

7 price points, and the ability to switch matches between these depending on demand is an admirable attempt to implement supply and demand into AFL ticketing, but it is necessarily complex. Here at The Smother we advocate a return to simpler times, where the footy is cheap, the pies are cold in the middle and the advertising signs don't spin around. A time when a membership card and a scarf was all you needed to support your team. 

In short, convenience. And that, by any other name, would still work pretty well. 

In the news....

If you've bought a cheap ticket to the Friday's ANZAC game, perhaps to see Assendon V Kollingwood, be prepared for a long walk home. The AFL are warning against fake and scalped tickets to the Premium Reserved match.

Collingwood defender Marley Williams may be back in a couple of weeks after avoiding jail for his Albany assault. 

And finally, renowned mad-man Eddie McGuire has suggested taking the Australia v Ireland International Rules Snorefest to New York for some reason. Little more is expected to be heard on the idea. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014: Perspective.

Perspective. An elusive and intangible concept with which the football media shares a love/hate relationship. As with most things, the turbulence comes back to money. The temporary suspension of perspective aids in the concoction of crises, as we saw with North Melbourne's round one loss - which of course preceded a triplet of victories which re-established their top four credentials.

North Melbourne are an enigma. Against Port Adelaide they showed power and flair; against Sydney resilience beyond their calling. Against Collingwood they showed nerves of wet tissue paper and the skill and execution to match. If you look at the positives, they are a team that can match it with the best; another view suggests they'll struggle to hold their own against the also-rans. It's all perspective.

Fortunately for those long-suffering supporters and their strained eyes, we all fall under the direct-reporting line of a league and administration that understands perspective. The artists and visionaries at AFL house, they get it. The sun may appear as a harmless dot in the sky to us mortals, but Demetriou knows that it's really a hot-burning mess of lava and flames that keeps us alive; whilst also threatening to kill us if we get too close. That's kind of a metaphor, a life lesson on the risk you take if you try to make a decision from too far away - or from the wrong angle.

Which brings us back to perspective, and the unquestionable wisdom of AFL House who have realised that goal line technology might actually require a camera on the goal line; that asking someone in a box 100 metres away looking at footage from 200 metres away to overrule a highly trained and usually quite competent person less than 2 metres away is, at best, an inefficient use of resources and at worst one of the most illogical and irrational solutions to a very small problem in the history of mankind.

Which one is it? Well that's a matter of perspective.


The Monday Tuesday Wrap:
Thursday:
Richmond 106 defeated Brisbane 63
Saturday:
Collingwood 93 defeated North Melbourne 58
Sydney 92 defeated Fremantle 75
Port Adelaide 70 defeated West Coast 58
St. Kilda 81 defeated Essendon 65
Sunday:
Adelaide 137 defeated GWS 72
Gold Coast 86 defeated Melbourne 78
Carlton 119 defeated Western Bulldogs 91
Monday:
Geelong 106 defeated Hawthorn 87

Ladder
Geelong - 20 - (WWWWW)
Port Adelaide - 16 - (WWLWW)
Hawthorn - 16 - (WWWWL)
West Coast - 12 - (WWWLL)
Fremantle - 12 - (WWLWL)
Collingwood - 12 - (LWLWW)
North Melbourne - 12 - (LWWWL)
Gold Coast - 12 - (WLWLW)
St. Kilda - 12 - (WWLLW)
Essendon - 8 - (WLWLL)
Richmond - 8 - (LWLLW)
Adelaide - 8 - (LLLWW)
Sydney - 8 - (LLWLW)
GWS - 8 - (WLWLL)
Western Bulldogs - 8 - (LLWWL)
Carlton - 4 - (LLLLW)
Melbourne - 4 - (LLLWL)
Brisbane - 0 - (LLLLL)

Thursday, April 17, 2014: You can sure as hell lose it...

Round 5; the end of the first quarter. So many questions, poised like rattlesnakes staring down a kill. This is the real stuff, fella, there's no more excuses.

Richmond take a 1-3 record to Brisbane who are yet to trouble the scorers. Vickery's been dropped, eliminating one of Jack Riewoldt's more convenient excuses, and Brisbane's top line has been decimated by injury. The newspapers for tomorrow have already been written; the Tigers in Crisis story that they'd rather run, and the one that praises a victory against all the odds - yet strangely expected.

Collingwood and North sitting pretty much on par. Both still working to shake off the doubts incurred in round one embarrassments; one will leave a legitimate top 4 threat, the other will remain an also-ran. Fremantle could all but end Sydney's season, Sydney could upset a Premiership threat. Port Adelaide should prove their credentials in Perth. Despite entering the season at opposite ends of the expectations spectrum, Essendon and St. Kilda arrive at round 5 on par.

There is intrigue in all of Sunday's games; the Bulldogs and Carlton already bickering over a potential Good Friday game, Adelaide can't afford to lose to GWS and Melbourne's famous one-in-a-row win against Carlton makes their clash with Gold Coast a little tasty.

But that's all the entree. Hawthorn and Geelong have established a rivalry that you couldn't make up. Form says the Hawks will walk it in, but these Cats never both themselves with such prognostications - we have another chapter of a stunning story about to unfold.

This early in the season no deficit is insurmountable, but round five always answers questions. This year perhaps more than most.

As they say - you can't win a race at the first corner, but you can sure as hell lose it.

Update: Relegate Carlton - it's going strong.
Click here to join the Facebook campaign.

In the news...
Tom Boyd will debut for the Giants against Adelaide this week. The tall number one draft pick will join Jeremy Cameron and Jonathon Patton in the GWS tall dept.

Good Friday used to be about celebrating the generosity of Christ. A new narrative has emerged as Bulldogs Big Cheese Peter Gordon has defended his teams right to play North in the still hypothetical Good Friday clash. Essendon and Carlton are rumoured to be chasing the spot.

TEAMS will be here some point tonight.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014: For immediate release...

Note: Today's Smother has been postponed and replaced by the below press release in support of a very important cause.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

16/04/2014 - MELBOURNE

Thousands of football fans are expected to flock to a controversial campaign to restore integrity to the code by relegating one of the leagues founding teams. The Carlton Football Club have been part of the AFL (formerly VFL) since 1864, but that is long enough according to the group behind the campaign.

Horatio J. Smother, columnist for the immensely successful AFL blog The Smother who have launched the campaign, says the removal of Carlton would help to restore 'honesty and dignity' to the league. 'What we have seen in the past few seasons is a team without promise who have all but stopped trying to win', said Mr. Smother, 'this goes beyond tanking because tanking is an attempt to win in the long run, Carlton have shown no interest in either long or short term success'.

Mr Smother has also made controversial allegations of impropriety among the board of the AFL, suggesting a cover up over the decision to include Carlton in the 2014 season. 'That this club has been a basket case for years has been no secret, yet not a word has been spoken publicly about their admittance. I mean, not even Jeff Kennett, who is medically unable to keep his mouth shut on anything that might get him in the papers has been silent on this', he said. 'it is obviously an attempt to retain the profits that the AFL make off rival fans who will pay anything to watch their team beat Carlton'.

The Facebook Page for the campaign was launched yesterday and has garnered increasing support, including members of existing VFL clubs who Mr. Smother says deserve promotion. 'The Casey Scorpions, for example, Williamstown, Sandringham, Frankston. Teams who aren't all that good but at least try. Is it too ridiculous to suggest admitting the Collingwood reserves and have Collingwood A? This league needs fresh thinking'.

Like Relegate Carlton on Facebook

Supporters are encouraged to use the hashtag #RelegateCarlton or join the Facebook campaign at https://www.facebook.com/carltontotheVFL. The Smother are planning to deliver a petition to the AFL.

MEDIA CONTACT:
Horatio Smother c/o thesmotherafl@gmail.com 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014: Why we love Collingwood

We don't know much here at The Smother, but we know two things for sure; that is two things that we really aren't good at. The first is painfully obvious, we aren't that good at running a blog. The second is also painfully obvious, we don't meet a lot of women.

In fact, we would go as far as to say that the only people who know less about meeting women than us are the presumably desperately lonely men who actually read this thing (a comment which in itself is evidence of the first failing - ie. calling your few readers desperate or lonely). Say what you will about our bad jokes and lack of interpersonal skills, you can't say that we don't try. And try we will.

Because women, when you think about it, are a lot like a football team; and this is how we settled on Collingwood (that's not technically true, we support them because our fathers did, but there is something tremendously creepy about choosing the same woman as your Father, a topic that probably deserves more of a thesis than a blog - but we digress).

Collingwood is a big hunk of lady who you can always depend on. Let your mates laugh and heckle, let them poke fun at her masculine figure and facial hair, her failing dental health. It doesn't matter, what does matter is that she's hefty and ugly and she'll always look after you.

Richmond, she's beautiful and knows it. She's always up for dinner and you're always paying and every time she insists that tonight's the night... until she remembers her parents are staying or she has to be up early or something. It's all false dawns and Punt Road, and you end up down $150 and flicking through Tinder on the train ride home.

Carlton, on the other hand, excites you like no-one else. She's got model good looks and lives her whole life on the edge of her seat, launching into far-flung escapades that dabble with the very edges of law & order. She's always close, she wants to be an actor and insists she only needs to spend a few more thousand on a promo reel and her career will take off, then she'll marry you. It's better than Richmond, in that you actually get to sleepover, but it's worse because you know that you'll both be either in jail or dead before you're walking down that aisle.

There's always heartbreak in football, but give me my dirty black and white lady any day.

_________________________________________________

In the news...
Lions tall Matthew Leuenberger is expected to miss up to 12 weeks after injuring a right knee in the process of being thoroughly buggered by the Crows at the weekend. Pearce Hanley will also miss the next fortnight with hamstring-strain.

Dale Morris has gleefully accepted a one week ban for tripping, knowing that a leg injury will keep him out anyway.

Dockers coach Ross Lyon has condemned a lack of a discipline from his new signing Colin Sylvia. Sylvia faces suspension for rough conduct in a WAFL match on the weekend.

And in further evidence of Essendon's need to listen to doctors, at least six players and their coach have been struck down by a virus. Assistant coach Simon Goodwin has ordered those struck down to stay away from the club, while Medical Professional Dr. Ageless insists he could have the whole thing gone in a jiffy.

Monday, April 14, 2014: 4 and a half stars...

Donnie Darko, The Big Lebowski, A Clockwork Orange... all great pieces of art that developed large audiences out of apparent obscurity, going on to cement the artistic legacies of their creators.

Panned by critics for it's drawn out opening sequences and seeming lack of narrative structure, this latest piece by Melbourne-based installation artist Andrew Demetriou could be well on it's way to joining this list of cult classics. 2014: Glory In A Shitstorm is the final offering in Demetriou's controversial annual series which documents society through a series of cruel and tedious events that poke fun at the idea of competitive and equal sport.

Revisiting the egalitarian motif of previous years, Demetriou cheekily pokes fun at the capitalist system that funds his work by continually talking about equality while selectively funding his few favourite assets to the detriment of others. Though the ghosts of his haunting 2013 work 'The Darkest Day...' still linger in this piece, it is his use of comedy that gives this piece the colour and flair for which it will it become renowned.

The continued torture of Richmond gives the viewer an almost sadistic pleasure, while the narrative that surrounds Sydney's big-name recruit makes on ponder on the real value of apparent panaceas to non-existent problems. The true value of this work, however, lies in Demetriou's fixturing.


After an extended first round, a second and third marred by disappointing crowds and a fourth which lacked any semblance of the notion of competition, Demetriou has assembled a fifth round that will make this fixture a star in its own right. Enticing combinations like the undefeated Hawthorn and Geelong juxtaposed perfectly with the morbidly horrid Richmond against the winless Brisbane Lions. Interest in games like St. Kilda v Essendon, GWS v Adelaide or Carlton v Western Bulldogs would nearly impossible to anticipate a few weeks ago.

This is a piece that rewards those adventurous enough to push themselves through the tedious opening stanza, blossoming into an experience that is not to be missed. 4 and a half stars.


The Monday Wrap:
Friday
Collingwood 110 defeated Richmond 72
Saturday
Melbourne 81 defeated Carlton 58
Port Adelaide 159 defeated Brisbane 46
Western Bulldogs 110 defeated GWS 83
Geelong 107 defeated West Coast 32
Hawthorn 148 defeated Gold Coast 49
Sunday
North Melbourne 91 defeat Sydney 48
Adelaide 136 defeated St. Kilda 50
Fremantle 113 defeated Essendon 60

Ladder
Hawthorn - 16 - (WWWW)
Geelong - 16 - (WWWW)
Port Adelaide - 12 (WWLW)
West Coast - 12 - (WWWL)
Fremantle - 12 - (WWLW)
North Melbourne - 12 - (LWWW)
Essendon - 8 - (WLWL)
GWS - 8 - (WLWL)
Collingwood - 8 - (LWLW)
Western Bulldogs - 8 - (LLWW)
Gold Coast - 8 - (WLWL)
St. Kilda - 8 - (WWLL)
Sydney - 4 - (LLWL)
Richmond - 4 - (LWLL)
Adelaide - 4 - (LLLW)
Melbourne - 4 - (LLLW)
Carlton - 0 - (LLLL)
Brisbane - 0 - (LLLL)

In the news...
A round 5 trial will see players from all teams wearing their own names on the back. This is disappointing news for the 16 Carlton players who are currently attempting to fly under the radar in a dismal team.

St. Kilda's woe following their thumping at the hands of the Crows has been compounded by the loss of young midfielder Nathan Wright for up to 12 weeks with a leg injury.

Essendon, meanwhile, are hoping to bounce back from their Fremantle defeat with Brendan Goddard and Patrick Ryder both expected to be available for round 5.

Friday, April 11, 2014: A Smother Holiday Edition

THE 

SMOTHER 

IS 

ON

HOLIDAYS

TODAY

Instead, please enjoy a picture of Steven Dank.

 In the news....
Teams are probably online somewhere. There's probably an injury to one of your premium Supercoach mids. Sorry.

Thursday, April 10, 2014: Drug-addled crazy talk...

Did you know that camels have wide feet because it allows them to walk on sand more easily? We didn't, but it was one of the results when we, as part of our research for the Thursday Smother, ran an internet search on whether or not sheep can walk on sand. We also discovered the Ovis canadensis nelsoni, or desert bighorn sheep, which has adapted to life in the desert by learning to walk on sand and survive on a diet of cacti.

Unfortunately the desert bighorn is only found in the US and Mexico, and we don't like our chances of getting a herd of sheep through customs, or keeping them alive in the slightly milder climate of Princes Park.

But these are mere hiccups, for I suppose we could just fence off a patch of grassland for some regular sheep and have the sandpit nearby. This approach might actually be more effective, as although we're no farmers ourselves, commonsense suggests a cold-climate sheep will produce more wool than its desert counterpart anyway. And the wool is the whole point of the sheep.

This is all part of a significant redevelopment of the old Optus Oval to better suit Carlton's current purposes. First, we'll develop a sheering shed in the attacking 50; space that was previously reserved for competent tall forwards who never emerged. The sandpit will obviously go in the middle, where a lack of midfield depth means that everything below the feet of Chris Judd and Marc Murphy isn't being used anyway. The sheep themselves will wander aimlessly around the wings and try to avoid any footballs that come their way (which might get them picked above David Ellard).

This dramatic re purposing of the aging stadium will allow Carlton to dramatically cut the costs associated with their core business, potentially allowing them to produce a profit in what will surely be a tumultuous 2014 season.

And while this might sound like the drug-addled crazy talk that only a free blog site would ever give prominence, you only need to read real news like this or this to understand quite how determined Carlton are to sticking their head in the sand and pulling the wool over their eyes.

A project that will require a lot of sand and a lot of wool, so it makes sense to DIY.

In the news...
In a sign that the chairman of Beyond Blue has completely lost his marbles, Jeff Kennett has suggested that Hawthorn relocate their training and admin to Launceston.

In a shock move, the St. Kilda football club are considering relocating to St. Kilda. In a deal with Cricket Victoria, the Saints are considering returning home to Junction Oval.

Finally, Andrew Demetriou has denied he will make an early exit when Gillon McLachlan his successor his named. "I've started rehearsing for the Brownlow" he said, while many supporters gave votes to Karmichael Hunt in the background.

Tomorrow...
We're going on a short Smother holiday so there will be a drastically reduced version of the Friday Smother tomorrow. We'd apologise, but given the way we've gone this week it's probably for the best.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014: Eating extra-cheesy Doritos...

Kids these days, huh? They complain about how tough the employment market is, all while sitting around in their underwear eating extra-cheesy Doritos that Mum bought and only occasionally flicking from Facebook or Supercoach to have a look at Seek. 'I don't want to work in fast food', they say, 'how do I get experience if I don't have experience?'.

How they'd shudder to hear what their parents had to do to find work. It's been that long since we've seen a recession, much less a depression, that the kids have lost any perspective of hardship. Part of the problem is the example set by the AFL players that they idolise. With Brisbane's mass exodus of homesick players and Buddy eschewing Parramatta for the golden sands of Bondi, it becomes tough to explain to the kids that the real world rarely affords you such luxury of choice.

That's why the Wednesday Smother is all about North Melbourne. James Brayshaw is the recalcitrant teenager, covered in extra-cheesy Dorito powder and refusing to accept the reality that confronts him. North Melbourne's 17 strong membership group fall well below the admittedly high break even point at the Docklands, and their Arden Street base is prime real estate should they wish to offload it.

The Gold Coast Kangaroos had a ring to it, but Brayshaw vetoed that. The Hobart Kangaroos would be welcomed with open arms by a city who need something to supplement an income based largely on a gallery that may at any moment be seized by the ATO. And now, the Victorian ALP - coincidentally a few months out from an election - have found some cash to redevelop Ballarat's Eureka Stadium.

That the Ballarat Kangaroos is another option on the table is probably irrelevant, given the table will probably be used to make nachos...


In the news...
Bad news for Docker Michael Walters, with his season in doubt with an ankle injury. Coach Ross Lyon says he is only a "slim chance" to play again in 2014.

Sun Steven May has taken on city hall and won, his one-match ban for rough conduct thrown out by the tribunal. Devon Smith was not so lucky, the tribunal upholding his ban for striking.

The Kangaroos have pledged their allegiance to the pride of Nar Nar Goon, Lachie Hansen. The free agent looks set to sign a new deal with the Roos.

In a sad end to this Wednesday Smother, Demon Mitch Clark has retired from football citing depression. If you are one of the several nuffys who will say things like 'he gets paid too much to be depressed', please educate yourself.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014: The hazards of love...

Editors note: The following was written on some terrible cold and flu pills and we promise the Smother will be slightly better tomorrow... maybe


There are two things to which no resident of Smother House will ever be able to honestly admit. The first is to having played football at a level above the year 9 reserves at high school, the second to ever have been loved by an actual adult female.

Given the first has never been seen as a reason not to emit exhaustive commentary on those who have and do, we see no reason why our lack of intimacy with the opposite s*x should preclude us from giving advice to those who are more fortunate in love than us. For example, one particular friend of the Smother has gone and got himself a lady who, when she isn't issuing some of the least favourable character assessments we've ever heard, disappears for days on end, leaving him crying in the basement of Smother House with a bottle of our finest $14 shiraz.

Ever so occasionally she'll say something nice or buy him dinner, which brightens him up just enough to forget how much worse off he is with her in the picture and continue their dalliance. From outside of that bubble of pain and misery, it's easy for us to see that he would do well to walk away. When love and devotion are involved, however, commonsense becomes so much rarer.

That woman may as well be called Richmond FC, because for a football fan, no harsher a mistress exists. Every year it's the same heartbreaking cocktail of hope and promise giving way to cruel defeat. She ambles in some s*xy lingerie and whispers 'hey big boy, tonight's the night', only to get a call from her parents just after dinner to say that her childhood cat has died, leaving you to drive her, in tears, to her parents house in the middle of nowhere, sitting for hours listening to stories about a god damn cat and slowly realising that tonight is not the night, the night may never come and you probably should have stayed home with a bottle of $14 shiraz...

The hazards of love...


In the news...

Suspensions...

Brisbane's flamboyant defender Daniel Merrett has accepted a 2-match ban for a late elbow to the head of David Swallow, while Gold Coast's Steven May and Giant Devon Smith will each challenge their one-match bans. In other news from a big MRP week, Luke Shuey, Brandon Matera and Taylor Adams will each miss a week.
Reprimands and fines were also issued to Jack Riewoldt, Matt Thomas, Josh Jenkins, Bernie Vince and Matthew Lobbe.

...and injuries

Demon midfielder Viv Michie will miss 4 weeks after fracturing his jaw in the VFL, leaving many a Supercoach in turmoil.  In other injury news, North's Jamie McMillan will miss up to six weeks with a fibula fracture, while senior citizen Dustin Fletcher and Paul Chapman are both unlikely to travel to Perth for Essendon's game against a Fremantle, who may be missing Chris Mayne and Michael Walters.

The Bulldogs Jordan Roughead will miss two months with a dislocated shoulder and the Eagles have lost Mark Lecras and Chris Masten for their trip to Geelong. Saint Sam Gilbert will miss six weeks with a foot injury, and Magpie Sam Dwyer will miss a week with a knee injury.

Monday April 7, 2014:The late April crisiscope

We've said before that crisis is contagious. Much like the dreaded lurgy that has crippled the Smother this week, it needs only the slightest foothold from which to insidiously spread throughout the host - leaving us unable to stay awake for more than a couple of hours, or clubs unable to do anything but deny that their season is over already and the coaches position is untenable.

After spending the best part of the last 15 months thoroughly infected, Essendon are proving to be 2014's ultimate crisis carrier. In round one they plunged North Melbourne into a crisis that lasted for days, and last night they plunged Carlton into the season's biggest crisis yet. Carlton's 81 point humbling to the Dons lead to a marathon of highly enjoyable radio talkback, in which irrational Carlton fans swung wildly between demanding Malthouse's head and accusing Essendon of cheating (conveniently ignoring their own club's history of stretching the rules, 1995 anyone?).

So, as much fun as it would be to sit here and dump more dirt on the under siege Blues, The Smother has never been one for joining in on the chorus of crisis lovers who call themselves the AFL media. We don't want to waste your time telling you that Carlton erred massively in recruiting Dale Thomas, that Mick Malthouse and co. clearly thought Carlton were better than they were, that they have no midfield depth and a lack of key position players at both ends. You already know that.

Here at The Smother we value courage, courage like the reporter who asked Mick Malthouse whether last night's demolition was a one-off, knowing full well that Malthouse has made something of a habit of verbally castrating journalists who cross the line. With that kind of courage we're ignoring how much Carlton stink and looking instead at Essendon, a side in ominous form with an ability to paralyse their opponents. They play Fremantle and St. Kilda next, before an enticing ANZAC match against Collingwood that leaves this columnist wondering whether Eddie McGuire has the ability to change the slogan from 'Lest we Forget' to 'can we forget this whole game really, really quickly?'.

If the Pies can't beat North and Richmond, expect the late April crisiscope to be dropped fairly and squarely at the Westpac Centre...

Draft Days...
As a rookie, The Smother has shown some real promise in early 2014. Be a supercoach and draft us into your Facebook, Twitter or inbox!

Follow @TheSmother

* indicates required

Email Address *

The Monday Wrap:
Friday:
Hawthorn 137 defeated Fremantle 79
Saturday:
Western Bulldogs 100 defeated Richmond 98
Sydney 134 defeated Adelaide 71
Gold Coast 114 defeated Brisbane 61
West Coast 83 defeated St. Kilda 58
Geelong 87 defeated Collingwood 76
Sunday:
Greater Western Sydney 79 defeated Melbourne 47
North Melbourne 97 defeated Port Adelaide 90
Essendon 138 defeated Carlton 57

Ladder
West Coast - 12 - (WWW)
Hawthorn - 12 - (WWW)
Geelong - 12 - (WWW)
Essendon - 8 - (WLW)
Port Adelaide - 8 (WWL)
GWS - 8 - (WLW)
Fremantle - 8 - (WWL)
Gold Coast - 8 - (WLW)
St. Kilda - 8 - (WWL)
North Melbourne - 8 - (LWW)
Sydney - 4 - (LLW)
Richmond - 4 - (LWL)
Collingwood - 4 - (LWL)
Western Bulldogs - 4 - (LLW)
Carlton - 0 - (LLL)
Brisbane - 0 - (LLL)
Adelaide - 0 - (LLL)
Melbourne - 0 - (LLL)

In the news...
CARLTON, CARLTON, CARLTON, CARLTON.

Friday, April 4 2014: A large incidence of no-shows...

If this blog were governed by the AFL, today's edition would be an A-Reserve fully-ticketed laugh out loud event. It's that good, even if we say so ourselves.

With the comedy festival kicking off in Melbourne, it seems everyone in this town has the taste for a good giggle. Even our usually erroneous and scarcely humorous missives have enjoyed a bump in popularity on the back of the event, so much so that on Monday we even engaged in a process called editing. Usually employed by professionals, editing - so far as we've experienced - involved reading something you've already written, deciding it was rubbish and starting over.

In Monday's case, we had prepared a humorous and insightful piece that suggested perhaps the lack of people turning up to AFL games was not as much the fault of the AFL as it was the fault of the people who weren't going. It even featured a joke about Demetriou, even at his most horizontal point, only being able to fill 3-4 seats - which we thought was OK. On further reflection, we decided that it was neither humorous nor insightful and rubbished the whole idea, hastily assembling the piece you probably didn't read on Monday.

Perhaps, if we'd known then what we know now, we wouldn't have been so quick on the backspace. It was faces the hue of radishes that we listened to Andrew Demetriou blame the lack of people attending games not on himself, but instead on the people who didn't go. "There's always been a large incidence of no-shows; I mean people who buy a reserved seat for the whole year might go on average to six games a year, and that's an issue" he told baffled reporters.

And he didn't stop there, blaming "the price of food and beverage, the price of car parking on game day, absolutely, things like ticketing charges" and pretty much everyone in the world who's name isn't Andrew Demetriou. But he does have a solution. "That's all the more reason why we want to own our own stadium, to control those prices. They are a severe imposition on families when you add those things."

Of course, the real sticking point in the AFL taking over the Docklands stadium is the price. Perhaps it been classified an A-Reserve Stadium....?

In the news....
In a debate that occurs with such dependable frequency that one could set their watch to it, the bump is back on the agenda. Sam Newman's diatribe on The Footy Show (which we seem to remember was funny a few years back) has lead to a petition for some kind of Presidential pardon for Nat Fyfe or something. We predict that nothing will happen and we'll do the whole thing again in 2015.

The Bombers have banned defender Court-e-neigh Dempsey indefinitely after he failed to live up to the standards of a club which spent the majority of last year under investigation by the AFL, ASADA and the Crime Commission.

Carlton ruckman Matthew Kreuzer will miss three months with a foot injury, adding to the pain an already undermanned list of talls of Carlton. Could the door be ajar for Cameron Wood? Probably not.

Ok, ok - that's all The Smother we've got for this Friday. Teams are here so go back and do your Supercoach (pro tip: even coming in the top 100 won't get your girlfriend back).

Thursday, April 3, 2014: Things that look easy but are actually quite difficult...

Gillon in the name of....

When Andrew Demetriou retires at the end of 2014, he will take a lot of valuable experience with him. You can't work in such a tough position for so many years without learning a thing or two about running a sport and avoiding PR disasters. These are things young Gil would do well to brush up on if he is serious about his tilt to engineer a seamless transition of the keys to AFL house from Demetriou to himself.

Wednesday, March 2, 2014: An attitude that won't stand up in court...

Mick and Dustin. Dustin and Mick. Two men who might just need each other.

The precocious Dustin Martin, famed for single-handed fend-offs that reduce grown men to mere piles of meat and bone, the man is all strength and all talent. More than that, he serves as a living embodiment of the hashtag YOLO generation. Martin lives in the now, the absolute uncompromising present where regrets are archaic and neck tattoos are the epitome of 'sickness', and sickness is not even a bad thing anymore. You get it? He is a bona-fide shave off half your hair, take too many sleeping pills and see what happens YOLO cat, you can't get any more into the moment than that.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014: Bogged down by regulations and ethics....

Here at the Smother, we have been accused of being somewhat anti-Carlton. Rejoicing in their defeats, celebrating their continued determination to draft aging talent in a move to win a Premiership which is almost within reach (if it weren't for the 8 teams that are better than them).