Wednesday, March 5, 2014: Purchasing as many petards as they could carry....

With the league's pre-season cheese convention well and truly underway, the suited ones have headed west to Adelaide to argue about money. Chunks of cheese have dominated The Smother this week, and the unfettered cheddar discussion has continued with the revelation that outgoing AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou took home $3.8m for his efforts in 2013.

Although the figure is inflated by a $2m performance payment which was earned over previous years - presumably for achieving goals like not taking a six week mid-season jaunt around Europe - there are many within AFL land who think the fee to be somewhat excessive. On this we agree, but that may be a case of sour grapes given that negotiations with our own Big Cheese, the CEO at Smother Enterprises, fell well short of expectations. We are pleased with the decision not to fire us, but we continue to oppose the Eddie McGuire style public lashings that the boss has instituted. Our opposition, however, only seems to increase the intensity of the whippings. Truth be told, we're not real good at helping ourselves.

Speaking of which, with Sydney set to lose their controversial cost-of-living-allowance (COLA), we wonder if they too have been hoisted by their own petard. While, perhaps not so much as hoisted by their own petard, rather purchasing as many petards as they could carry, delivering them personally to Eddie McGuire and telling him to do with them as he wished. With the COLA argument heating up, common wisdom might have suggested keeping their heads down and avoiding anything that might serve as a flash-point in the argument. Something like, you know, signing the league's biggest player to a multi-millon dollar ten-year deal.

Instead, the Swans made a substantial donation to the armaments of the very men who were campaigning to have the COLA abolished, and in the end it has proved too much for the league to ignore. Although Demetriou denies that Buddy influenced the decision to remove the allowance, he also denied having any regrets about the way he handled the ASADA saga....

In the news...
The 18 AFL Captains gathered at the redeveloped Adelaide Oval today, and they wasted no time in coming out swinging against the Herald Sun. "As leaders of the playing group, we think it's appropriate to stand up, and lend our voice and influence, in condemning the mistreatment of vulnerable players. That's our responsibility" said the captain of the captains, Matthew Pavlich.

The AFL also took the opportunity to do some market research on the skippers, revealing that Hawthorn, Sydney and Fremantle are Premiership favourites among the admittedly niche market of AFL Captains. They also chose Scott Pendlebury for the Brownlow, Travis Cloke and Josh Kennedy to share the Coleman and Jack Martin as Rising Star.  

While it's small change for Demetriou, Carlton's Marc Murphy is close to re-signing with the Blues on a 4 year, $700,000-a-season deal.

And finally, Geelong's George Burberry has celebrated returning to training - after having his jaw broken in the pre-season - by donning a rather fitting bright pink cap.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014: Replacing the tribunal with a system of public floggings committed in city square

Oh, Eddie, where would this column be without you? The whiteboard here at Smother House has been completely barren, save for the crudely constructed illustrations of phalli from various angles, and we'd all but given up hope of producing anything with a mere resemblance to a meaningful dissertation before that highly anticipated first wonky bounce of the 2014 season. But there you were, Eddie, on a high-horse that is becoming so high we're beginning to doubt that even you will be able to dismount safely.

"The next team that cheats and the next administration that does it, they should be be put in the city square and flogged" said the typically calm McGuire, "it's time for them to actually kick into the competition and for a few clubs pull their head in and stop cheating and burning the competition to the ground every other year." 

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Big Ed's relentless diatribe against the unnamed rogues who threaten an apocalyptic derailment of all that is pure was not the sole item on today's football agenda. With over 24 hours having transpired since the shock resignation of Big Cheese Andrew Demetriou, attention has turned to the future of large cheeses - the next CEO of the AFL. Rapidly expanding cheese Gillon McLachlin is almost certain to take the job, but with the Herald Sun needing to sell newspapers and the AFL keen to show it's probity in these matters, we can expect a myriad of names, sensible and otherwise, to be thrown forward in the coming months.

Hence, as we enter our second calendar month of existence, we're proud to announce the newest segment to join the Smother ranks, a thorough analysis of the range of cheddar trying to get it's parmes-on the the biggest office in the land.

Gillion In the Name Of...
Given his desire to replace the tribunal with a system of public floggings committed in city square, a McGuire push for the top job - a job in which he would theoretically be able to put his Dickensian plans into action - seemed a mere formality. Unless, of course, you remember just how important Collingwood is. "It's bad enough having to fund them, without having to run it" said McGuire of a potential demotion to the AFL job.

This leaves Channel 9's Jeff Browne, AFL Commissioner Paul Bassatt, Geelong CEO Brian Cook, West Coast CEO Trevor Nisbett and MCC guru Stephen Gough as likely competitors in the AFL's selection process, a process that is absurd according to Kangaroos' boss James Brayshaw. "When you've got such a high-quality candidate sitting there, why would you bother with any of that. Just appoint him." said Brayshaw, perhaps unawares of the fate of other high-quality candidates like Stephen Dank. 

So even though the job is Gillon's to lose, we'll be keeping a keen eye on the process the league uses to select him. After all, we mustn't become too distracted by those angry young men running around on a patch of grass and forget what this game is really about - men in suits arguing about money. 

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In the news...
Far from tempering expectations for the upcoming season, Gold Coast's Dion Prestia has declared his nascent group of roustabouts near certainties to win the 2014 flag. "There's a lot of boys who have played over 50 games now and there'll be a few more this year. We're not going to have any excuses any more," he crowed. "We expect to win every game we go into. Our first few years we'd think 'we're playing a top-four team, we're probably not going to win', but we can match it with anyone I reckon."

Port Adelaide's Andrew Moore has supported hair testing of players for drugs, which can pick up any usage in the last three months. "Obviously in the off season guys will go away, do their own thing but it's important that they realise what career they have." he said in an attempt to end the career of several of the AFL's biggest names. Port's Irish recruit Daniel Flynn has headed home to deal with homesickness and a terminally-ill grandfather. 

The Match Review Panel has issued its findings on the NAB Challenge, with Scott Selwood fined $900 for inappropriate-pushing-of-a-player-into-an-umpire, Ryan O'Keefe can accept 93.75 points for striking Selwood. Billy Smedts can also accept 93.75 points for inappropriate-Toumpas-touching.
In further bad news for the Saints, Lenny Hayes has been given a week for striking Stephen Congilio and Maverick Weller has also copped a week for Tomas Buggery.

Despite St. Kilda now missing many of it's few stars for the round one grudge match with Melbourne, Matt Finnis has accepted the job of CEO at St. Kilda. His first act in the role will presumably to contact Clive Palmer about any spare seats on his Titanic. 

Joel Selwood, who is suffering from 'awareness' in his leg, has revealed his issues with sentient body parts might have spread. "I've got to listen to my body right now and make sure that I am right", he said, although he is confident of playing round one. 

Friday, February 28, 2014: A permanent marker and a petting zoo...

Here at Smother House, we know better than most how hard it is to run a business. We've spent weeks trying to achieve the grandiose dreams of our ambitious president (who has asked that he only be referred to as The Big Cheese), only to realise that when you fix one problem, another seven or so pop up. The Big Cheese used to regularly barge in our office, stumbling over McDonalds packaging and shouting things like 'I said I wanted the biggest football blog in the world and you give me piss-poor articles about Romeo and Juliet. Dammit Smother, you haven't written anything funny since that one joke about Alex Fasolo'.

Luckily for our already depleted self-esteem, he's stopped doing that. In fact, he's stopped reading entirely. The Big Cheese now presumably spends his days windsurfing off the coast of Elsternwick, occasionally meeting with Eddie McGuire to discuss the perversity of taxing millionaires and completely ignoring our request for a marketing budget.

Which is why we feel sorry for Alan Joyce, the lovable Irish rogue who is slowly destroying our national airline and sacking all of his staff in order to compete with Virgin. Joyce is just like us really, trying to play whack-a-mole with a stretched budget, pouring money into one area and then watching another disaster unfold in the very place he took that money from. We, for example, sensed that the reason for deplorable lack of jokes was due to a general lack of energy, yet when we sacked scores of writers in order to purchase a coffee machine, we quickly discovered that we'd sacked the guy who came up with the Alex Fasolo joke, and the few of us left were still to break our comedic ducks. A problem that no amount of lightly frothed milk in a perfectly pulled Espresso could amend.

But we digress, and given digressing is something we were specifically warned about by The Big Cheese before his disappearance, it's time to talk about football. Specifically the Swans, who lost by 35 points to the Eagles in Blacktown last night. When John Longmire spent $10m obtaining Lance Moneyball Franklin from Hawthorn, he may have fallen into the same trap as we did with the coffee machine.

"The ball didn't really get down there and when it did it didn't come with any quality" said Longmire, explaining why his $10m man kicked a solitary behind in the loss. "We didn't win the ball, which is the most basic of basics and we didn't do it. I'm not thrilled." What the Swans learnt last night, albeit in the hardest way possible, was that when the ball is at the other end of the ground your forwards are about as important as the news that ASADA has finished stage 175 of its 250 stage investigation into Essendon. 

Of course, Buddy wasn't all about goals, he is also a marketing tool. Perhaps the Swans can maximise that investment by giving him a permanent marker and a petting zoo, signing autographs and amusing the local children while Heath Grundy deals with the swarm of opposition forwards.   


In the news...
Chris Scott, John Longmire, Mark Thompson, Alan Richardson, Justin Leppitsch and Adam Simpson have united to encourage fans to behave themselves while in the crowd. "People think that when you pay the price of a ticket that you can leave your morals or ethics behind for the two hours of the match" grumbled AFL Operations Manager Mark Evans, adding that "it's up to the adults in the crowd to show the way". (It is understood that attempt to invite Alastair Clarkson failed to reach him as he had previously smashed the phone they tried to call him on). 

However, if the AFL needs adults to send a message, they should go no further than Eddie McGuire and Andrew Newbold, who spent yesterday at AFL House discussing the leagues equalisation plans. "I think everyone knows how to behave and we'll be fine" said Newbold of his Presidential counterparts. 

McGuire has stepped up his campaign against the tax, accusing the other clubs of being dole bludgers "You work all your life, you've got your family and you've got your assets in play… and I come in and say, 'That's good, but I'm going to take three quarters of your money off you… and give it to the blokes who have been cheating down the road, not going to work, have been sitting on the porch smoking a cigar" He moaned, between high-paying board meetings. 

The infamous Marley Williams 'warning punch' continues to dog the young defender, he was sent home from Collingwood's Gold Coast training camp, though he did enjoy White Water World, and looks certain to miss at least the first 6 rounds while he awaits sentencing. 

Footy Operations Guy Mark Evans has completed a wide-ranging interview for AFL.com.au, declaring ominously that the centre bounce is safe... for now. 

Meanwhile, the final two games of the NAB Challenge are on this weekend. Melbourne and Geelong will clash in Darwin tonight, and GWS will take on St. Kilda on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga. The NAB Challenge will then give way to a series of practice matches, with Gold Coast taking on Collingwood on Sunday. 

Wednesday, February 26, 2014: Toxic clouds...

The good folk of Morwell are going through some tough times at the moment. The open-cut mine that supplies their power station is on fire, billowing tons of potentially toxic gases into the atmosphere, causing understandable anxiety and illness among the locals. Victoria's emergency services are doing their best to contain the situation and limit the damage, and we here at Smother House think it would behoove Andrew Demetriou to keep a keen eye on that response ahead of his own potentially toxic explosion. 

With the announcement of the leagues new equalisation measures set for tomorrow, we have set the threat level to Extreme and are about to take shelter in our hastily constructed and ill-ventilated bunker. This is the first ever activation of The Smother Public Emergency Warning System (SPEWS). 

SPEWS advises that the highly caustic Edward McGuire is predicted to hit dangerous levels in the coming days. Ember attacks are expected, with the likelihood of a full scale explosion that will send a stream of capitalistic rage high over metropolitan Melbourne, toppling the trestle tables of the Socialist Alliance and flattening most of Brunswick, Fitzroy and Northcote. Take shelter, it is already too late to leave.... 

Poor Eddie. Just like Tony Abbott's cavalier fight against the commie scam that was the carbon tax, Eddie is all lined-up to fight the league's Luxury Tax, a tax that will see Collingwood unable to continually purchase top of the line equipment and therefore hurt jobs and the football economy. While Demetriou never said there would never be a luxury tax under a Government he leads, we can expect no less hostility from McGuire than we got from Abbott. 

For what it's worth, we support Eddie. Why should Collingwood have to give any of the millions it takes in from suburban pokie venues to help the Western Bulldogs buy the occasional football to practice with? We've got our 'Axe The Tax' signs, our fluro vests and we're ready to join the campaign trail... as soon as this toxic cloud clears up...

In the news...

Essendon coach Mark Thompson is full of love for his new signing Paul Chapman - "He didn't know what was going on for a while there did he, Chappy.... I could see him just running around in circles, he didn't know what to do. Couldn't get the ball. When it came to him he even fumbled which I'd never seen him do"

Port Adelaide knocked off Essendon in last night's NAB Challenge match, played in front of 127 enthusiastic supporters. Jay Schulz hurt an ankle and Essendon's Michael Hibberd injured a hamstring, though both are expected to play in round one. 

A crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters is also expected to gather for tonight's grudge match between Fremantle and the Western Bulldogs at the Superdome, and Lance Moneyball Franklin will debut for Sydney tomorrow night against West Coast in Blacktown. 

Bad news at North Melbourne with forward Taylor Garner injuring a hamstring. "We expect that he'll be able to resume full training within four weeks" said Football Director Geoff Walsh.

Brenton Sanderson has revealed part of the Crows secret plan to be more competitive, announcing that they plan to sign better players. "We'll certainly look at players who immediately make us better" he said while declaring the club's interest in Bryce Gibbs. 

Friday, February 21, 2014: Cheering and being a squad...

From his understated Toorak manor, the reserved philanthropist, amateur economist and Collingwood president had finally seen enough. After staying silent for countless hours, the media shy Edward McGuire finally said what needed to be said. It is time that "everyone, players included, make their workplaces successful and thriving. Otherwise, the lessons that have been learnt today - at Ford, Toyota and Alcoa - will be wasted on the AFL."

"Let's sort out the economy of football, so that everybody continues to have a job and that we have a great competition" McGuire lectured, reminding all of us the ultimate fragility of the pathway from AFL player to person employed in a position they have no little to no qualifications for. 

We mustn't forget McGuire's history in the providing jobs for downtrodden workers who don't necessarily having the prerequisite skills or experience. The club he quietly leads, Collingwood, has employed former lanky defender Simon Prestigiacomo as its merchandise manager, retired midfielder Nathan Buckley as head coach, and as recently as last year employed retrenched Jordan Russell as an AFL player despite a complete inability to kick a football.

And the economic smarts at Collingwood don't stop there. The industrial age theory of specialisation, which allowed factories to thrive by giving employees small tasks at which they can become highly proficient, is now officially back in vogue at the Westpac Centre with yesterday's announcement that they had relieved their cheer squad of the onerous task of sticky-taping bits of crepe together.

"Volunteers will create the banner, members will hold it up" professed club spokesman Stephen Rielly, noting that this would allow the cheer squad to focus on their core business of cheering and being a squad. "the cheer squad will be all about barracking and sounding great on the day... We want them to not be concerned about the banner and to focus on making a lot of noise". The move came as a result of an off-season survey which allowed the club to glean the ultimate goal of the cheer squad (that being to be "more unified and make a bigger noise" ie: cheering and being a squad).

And while on first glance it may seem like a blatant commercial ploy, we here at Smother House understand the difficulty that some behind the goals feel when deciding whether to go with the quintessential 'Collingwood-clap-clap-clap', or the moving ballad 'Colllll-inggggggg-woood'. It's the same challenge Oasis must face when choosing a set from their daunting back-catalogue, and they have roadies for the heavy lifting....
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In the news...
Sydney defeated a plucky GWS side by 40 points in Canberra last night, with the Swans bearded backline of Rhyce Shaw and Nick Malceski holding strong. The weekend will see Hawthorn play North Melbourne in Launceston, Collingwood take on Richmond in Wangaratta and another pretend derby between Gold Coast and Brisbane on Sunday in Townsville. 

Despite his lack of any time at Collingwood, Carlton midfielder and personal friend of Bryce Gibbs Marc Murphy looks set to re-sign. "I'm pretty close to 'Gibbsy' and from talking to Gibbsy I don't think he'll be going anywhere", he name-dropped.

Morning TV host and Port Adelaide chairman David Koch has revealed he would sack Jake King over his friendship with Bandido Toby Mitchell. ""We would get rid of him, absolutely, as simple as that," he holier-than-thou'd, from behind a camera a long way from Bandido Toby Mitchell. 

Young Magpie Marley Williams has been found guilty of causing Grievous Bodily Harm after his warning punch erronoeusly connected with the jaw of a man in an Albany pub. "I was not intending to hurt anyone. It was more of a warning punch. It was either strike or be beaten up" he said.

Jack Riewoldt has stuck to his media ban, withdrawing from Saturday night's NAB Challenge game with a thigh injury due to the presence of cameras.