Tuesday, April 15, 2014: Why we love Collingwood

We don't know much here at The Smother, but we know two things for sure; that is two things that we really aren't good at. The first is painfully obvious, we aren't that good at running a blog. The second is also painfully obvious, we don't meet a lot of women.

In fact, we would go as far as to say that the only people who know less about meeting women than us are the presumably desperately lonely men who actually read this thing (a comment which in itself is evidence of the first failing - ie. calling your few readers desperate or lonely). Say what you will about our bad jokes and lack of interpersonal skills, you can't say that we don't try. And try we will.

Because women, when you think about it, are a lot like a football team; and this is how we settled on Collingwood (that's not technically true, we support them because our fathers did, but there is something tremendously creepy about choosing the same woman as your Father, a topic that probably deserves more of a thesis than a blog - but we digress).

Collingwood is a big hunk of lady who you can always depend on. Let your mates laugh and heckle, let them poke fun at her masculine figure and facial hair, her failing dental health. It doesn't matter, what does matter is that she's hefty and ugly and she'll always look after you.

Richmond, she's beautiful and knows it. She's always up for dinner and you're always paying and every time she insists that tonight's the night... until she remembers her parents are staying or she has to be up early or something. It's all false dawns and Punt Road, and you end up down $150 and flicking through Tinder on the train ride home.

Carlton, on the other hand, excites you like no-one else. She's got model good looks and lives her whole life on the edge of her seat, launching into far-flung escapades that dabble with the very edges of law & order. She's always close, she wants to be an actor and insists she only needs to spend a few more thousand on a promo reel and her career will take off, then she'll marry you. It's better than Richmond, in that you actually get to sleepover, but it's worse because you know that you'll both be either in jail or dead before you're walking down that aisle.

There's always heartbreak in football, but give me my dirty black and white lady any day.

_________________________________________________

In the news...
Lions tall Matthew Leuenberger is expected to miss up to 12 weeks after injuring a right knee in the process of being thoroughly buggered by the Crows at the weekend. Pearce Hanley will also miss the next fortnight with hamstring-strain.

Dale Morris has gleefully accepted a one week ban for tripping, knowing that a leg injury will keep him out anyway.

Dockers coach Ross Lyon has condemned a lack of a discipline from his new signing Colin Sylvia. Sylvia faces suspension for rough conduct in a WAFL match on the weekend.

And in further evidence of Essendon's need to listen to doctors, at least six players and their coach have been struck down by a virus. Assistant coach Simon Goodwin has ordered those struck down to stay away from the club, while Medical Professional Dr. Ageless insists he could have the whole thing gone in a jiffy.

Thursday, March 6, 2014: This local eatery...

It's time that the AFL got serious about equalisation. Forget Eddie's tantrums and who paid how much for Lance Franklin, if we continue to allow our great game to be continually smeared by the scourge of crippling inequality, we'd best prepare ourselves for a dark, dark future. "Look at all the stats and Sydney is a lot more expensive to live than any other city" says economist and midfielder Kieran Jack, and he had evidence, hell, actual  anecdotal evidence, to back it up. “I certainly know how hard it is to live in Sydney, not if you’re an established player and you’re already earning OK money, it’s all right. But younger players coming in, they really struggle."

We agree with Jack, in truth, if we had one issue with the 9.8% allowance to help Sydney teams attract players to the harsh economic climate of the harbour city, it's that it didn't go far enough. There are other teams who are suffering, struggling to retain players in the face of ambitious raids by clubs fortunate enough to be surrounded by affordable housing. 

Geelong for example, where the cost of living is - according to some actual data we found - 15% cheaper than Melbourne, or St. Kilda and Hawthorn who have deviously relocated to suburban bases where $200,000 goes a lot further in the property market - safe in the knowledge that the league lacks the moral fortitude to adjust the salary cap accordingly. 

So, while you celebrate the abolition of the COLA and the apparent return to a level playing field, spare a thought for teams doing it tough. Teams like Collingwood, who are working in a rapidly gentrifying area where the cost of living has skyrocketed in recent years. After all, who would stay at Collingwood, Richmond or Melbourne when the price for food at this local eatery, for example, are so exorbitant. 

Equality means a level playing field, and it requires taking everything into consideration. Adelaide and Port Adelaide, where players benefit from a city that eschews frivolous excesses like any semblance of nightlife or the hopes of a job for their children, should not be competing on the same figure as Melbourne or Sydney clubs.

It is a debate that surely continue, but so long as The Smother isn't fired for a blatant lack of research and overwhelming bias, we'll continue to fight it...

In the news...

Carlton's Marc Murphy has signed am exciting 4-year deal with the Blues. "I just want to say how proud and humbled I am. It's extremely exciting" he said. 

Those wanting to fist-bump Dane Swan from interesting angles will be disappointed to here that he will never again have a full range of motion in his injured wrist. Despite this, he will play round one. 

Media ban be damned, Jack Riewoldt has been named for Richmond's practice match against Essendon at Punt Road, practice match team information is here. 

And finally, fans of Donnie Darko, Lantana and other films with confusing plots might enjoy the AFL's latest effort - the futuristic tale of a girl, an old man, and the 2013 Grand Final. 

Friday, February 14, 2014: Don't break the teacup

It was a scene reminiscent of the latter episodes of Breaking Bad. Gary March and Damien Hardwick emerging from a cloud of smoke, holding a broken teacup and draped in matching yellow and black Hazmat suits.

That teacup was the very same that only a few days ago had held the storm about the omission of a certain Full Forward from the club's leadership group. A teacup that that certain Full Forward who used to be in Richmond's leadership group (FFWUTBIRLG) had inexplicably smashed, taking a relatively minor news story and splashing it recklessly across every back page in the Melbourne metro area.

We, for one, feel bad for the FFWUTBIRLG. So incensed was FFWUTBIRLG at the coverage of his demotion that he struck back, banning himself from any media appearances. Why the media ban strategy, which thus far has ensured blanket coverage of FFWUTBIRLG across every conceivable form of media, was chosen (in preference to the perhaps more sensible strategy of shutting up and letting the story blow over) is unclear, the aforementioned media ban precluding any further enquiries.

Still, it survives as a pertinent reminder to footballers heading into the new season. Don't break the teacup, don't EVER break the teacup.
____________

Speaking of breaking things, full points to the AFL for attempting to break the (at least slightly self-inflicted) assumption that multiculturalism was something that happened entirely separately from white people. Naming Jobe Watson as a multicultural ambassador was a welcome move, not that we can say it any better than Nic Natanui - "There's always a token black guy... now there's a token white guy".

On matters pertaining to the actual kicking of the red thing, we feel it would behoove us to remind Hawthorn that no-one likes a show-off. Already Premiers and facing a Brisbane side who were as recognisable as the cast in those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise, Hawthorn Harlem Globetrotted there way to a 131 point victory. It was almost as hard to watch as those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise.

It is worth remembering that in one of the most of striking examples of peaking too early in recent memory, Brisbane won the pre-season competition last year before falling in a heap. "In six weeks weeks time, you won't know it happened" said Justin Leppitsch, indicating either that up north hope springs eternal, or that worse is yet to come. 

In the news....
Richmond and Melbourne will clash tonight at Docklands Superdome to decide once and for all just who will win that.
World renowned laid-back nice guy Nathan Buckley has praised the umpires after Wednesday nights NAB Challenge opener.
In what is shaping as the League's first 'show and tell' after the recruiting season, Dale Thomas and Nick Dal Santo will debut for their respective teams in Ballarat tomorrow night.
Jobe Watson has issued a timely reminder that Essendon will indeed be entering the AFL this season. "What (interim coach Mark Thompson) has said is 2014 is not a transition period", he said, "he is not going to allow it to be a wasted season."