Oh, Eddie, where would this column be without you? The whiteboard here at Smother House has been completely barren, save for the crudely constructed illustrations of phalli from various angles, and we'd all but given up hope of producing anything with a mere resemblance to a meaningful dissertation before that highly anticipated first wonky bounce of the 2014 season. But there you were, Eddie, on a high-horse that is becoming so high we're beginning to doubt that even you will be able to dismount safely.
"The next team that cheats and the next administration that does it, they should be be put in the city square and flogged" said the typically calm McGuire, "it's time for them to actually kick into the competition and for a few clubs pull their head in and stop cheating and burning the competition to the ground every other year."
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Big Ed's relentless diatribe against the unnamed rogues who threaten an apocalyptic derailment of all that is pure was not the sole item on today's football agenda. With over 24 hours having transpired since the shock resignation of Big Cheese Andrew Demetriou, attention has turned to the future of large cheeses - the next CEO of the AFL. Rapidly expanding cheese Gillon McLachlin is almost certain to take the job, but with the Herald Sun needing to sell newspapers and the AFL keen to show it's probity in these matters, we can expect a myriad of names, sensible and otherwise, to be thrown forward in the coming months.
Hence, as we enter our second calendar month of existence, we're proud to announce the newest segment to join the Smother ranks, a thorough analysis of the range of cheddar trying to get it's parmes-on the the biggest office in the land.
Gillion In the Name Of...
Given his desire to replace the tribunal with a system of public floggings committed in city square, a McGuire push for the top job - a job in which he would theoretically be able to put his Dickensian plans into action - seemed a mere formality. Unless, of course, you remember just how important Collingwood is. "It's bad enough having to fund them, without having to run it" said McGuire of a potential demotion to the AFL job.
This leaves Channel 9's Jeff Browne, AFL Commissioner Paul Bassatt, Geelong CEO Brian Cook, West Coast CEO Trevor Nisbett and MCC guru Stephen Gough as likely competitors in the AFL's selection process, a process that is absurd according to Kangaroos' boss James Brayshaw. "When you've got such a high-quality candidate sitting there, why would you bother with any of that. Just appoint him." said Brayshaw, perhaps unawares of the fate of other high-quality candidates like Stephen Dank.
So even though the job is Gillon's to lose, we'll be keeping a keen eye on the process the league uses to select him. After all, we mustn't become too distracted by those angry young men running around on a patch of grass and forget what this game is really about - men in suits arguing about money.
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In the news...
Far from tempering expectations for the upcoming season, Gold Coast's Dion Prestia has declared his nascent group of roustabouts near certainties to win the 2014 flag. "There's a lot of boys who have played over 50 games now and there'll be a few more this year. We're not going to have any excuses any more," he crowed. "We expect to win every game we go into. Our first few years we'd think 'we're playing a top-four team, we're probably not going to win', but we can match it with anyone I reckon."
Port Adelaide's Andrew Moore has supported hair testing of players for drugs, which can pick up any usage in the last three months. "Obviously in the off season guys will go away, do their own thing but it's important that they realise what career they have." he said in an attempt to end the career of several of the AFL's biggest names. Port's Irish recruit Daniel Flynn has headed home to deal with homesickness and a terminally-ill grandfather.
The Match Review Panel has issued its findings on the NAB Challenge, with Scott Selwood fined $900 for inappropriate-pushing-of-a-player-into-an-umpire, Ryan O'Keefe can accept 93.75 points for striking Selwood. Billy Smedts can also accept 93.75 points for inappropriate-Toumpas-touching.
In further bad news for the Saints, Lenny Hayes has been given a week for striking Stephen Congilio and Maverick Weller has also copped a week for Tomas Buggery.
Despite St. Kilda now missing many of it's few stars for the round one grudge match with Melbourne, Matt Finnis has accepted the job of CEO at St. Kilda. His first act in the role will presumably to contact Clive Palmer about any spare seats on his Titanic.
Joel Selwood, who is suffering from 'awareness' in his leg, has revealed his issues with sentient body parts might have spread. "I've got to listen to my body right now and make sure that I am right", he said, although he is confident of playing round one.
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