Friday, May 30, 2014: Fear and loathing in front of goal...

Brenton Sanderson has gone gonzo in his attempt to understand the great Australian dream; the kicking of balls between goal posts - rather than outside of them. Of course, for the Crows - of late - this has become a concern. Footballs to the left, to the right, everywhere except those goals. One wonders if they haven't taken a pound of ether and can't even see the goals for all those damn bats.

"The numbers just keep heading downhill if you go out thinking "I don't want to make a mistake - we must take the game on"", grumbled Sanderson, wearing orange tinted glasses and a white bucket hat. "We need to remove the fear of making a mistake because sometimes that anxiety grows and grows."

Of course, going on these sort of trips are not all fear and loathing - there are moments of joy when one can actually put themselves in alternate universes, dream worlds where past sins are expunged and the full support of the board is even more full than usual. "We've had two games now where we've lost by less than a kick. If we win them both we're sitting seventh on the ladder" crowed a buoyant Sanderson, clearly oblivious to the fact that those losses were to Melbourne and Carlton.

Of course, sometimes ignorance is bliss - "there's still a really positive vibe around our footy club", concluded Sanderson.


In the news...
Apparently the Swans weren't the only winners in last nights 100+ point demolition of Geelong, Channel 7 has claimed 'another nightly win' with big ratings and the AFL is crowing after a sub-40k crowd for a top 4 clash. Read the outrageous puff piece on AFL state media here.

The Smother congratulates the AFL on their support the Recognise campaign here. The campaign supports recognition of indigenous people in our constitution, we support it - you can too.

Ok, that's all for The Smother week - Teams are here. Go use that captain loophole on Supercoach, jerks.

Thursday, May 29, 2014: The full support of said board

Being a traitor is not an easy life. Even when you arrive at your new home, copping all the flack that comes from those you abandoned, you still need to overcome the sense of distrust that will inevitably come from your new teammates.

It's much easier of course if things are going well, but if they aren't - it's good to have some fellow traitors around to back you up. This might explain why Carlton (and former Collingwood) coach Mick Malthouse is so bitterly upset to see Carlton (and former Collingwood) CEO Greg Swann hanging up his executive tie. "I'm really disappointed that he's going" cried Malthouse, before fawning over "one of the best, if not the best, CEO's I've encountered in the last 20-odd years - he's streets ahead."

That praise follows on from his well known love of Dale Thomas, whom he courted to cross to the Blues at the end of last year. Despite a largely disappointing 2014 season, Malthouse has declared Thomas six weeks ahead in his progress to become a shadow of his former self.

Malthouse wasn't concerned, however, that Swann's departure could be his own career in jeopardy. "You just get on with your job. I'm a servant of the board" grumbled Malthouse, who we presume has the full support of said board.

In the news...
Nick Maxwell has added his name to the oracles who have wrongly predicted a return to form for Travis Cloke. "It's going to turn for him come game day - hopefully it's tomorrow night" he prophesied.

Michael Voss has become the latest in a growing list to ask for a return to State of Origin football. "Rather than doing (International Rules), why not State of Origin" he said. Andrew Demetriou has put the kibosh on the idea.

Sharrod Wellingham has refused to mince his words on the reason he has been dropped from the West Coast 22. "I was in a little bit of a slump and that was due to me being a little bit lazy" he mea-culpa'd.

Wednesday, May, 28, 2014: Drinking too much and fighting strangers...

Collingwood has always been a leader, both on and off the field. With that in mind, it was fitting that coach Nathan Buckley should stand up in support of a new AFL Players Association report that emphasised the on-field benefits for clubs who allow their players to live balanced lives.

Buckley praised the environment at Collingwood where players "are actually valued for the person that they are, as much as they are for the talent that they bring". "We want people to walk out of our football club better than they walked it" he said.

Buckley also spoke of the need for players to engage in activities which - in the words of afl.com.au - gave them a mental break from the game. Whether those activities should involve drinking too much and fighting strangers is a matter for further discussion, owing to the performances of Marley Williams since he escaped a custodial sentence. Still, Buckley praises the ability to escape the game.

"If you can't switch off, then you can never really switch on".


In the news...
Carlton CEO and traitor Greg Swann has resigned, effective June 23. "I'm confident I'm leaving the club in a better place than when I started" he said.

Gold Coast coach Guy McKenna has contacted the AFL to request more protection for favourite Sun Gary Ablett. "I don't want to sand here bleating about Gary" he bleated about Gary, "but he just wants a fair and even chance to attack the contest. When he gets angry, clearly that hasn't happened."

Hawthorn has re-signed Brad Hill until the 2017. "I love playing footy at the club" he repeated from the 'what to say when you've re-signed' handbook prepared by the AFL.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014: Get well Al...

It appears all this talk about the budget and the value of free markets has rubbed off on Fremantle coach Ross Lyon. Quizzed about his star midfileder Nat Fyfe, and a potential free-agency deal with another club, Lyon responded economically. "No, it doesn't concern me whatsoever. We respect everybody's right to peruse their commercial value". That Nat Fyfe is apparently speaking to other clubs is causing no pain for Lyon.

Pain is, of course, part of coaching. Just ask Alastair Clarkson, who was last night admitted to hospital with a back injury and will step back from the club until he recovers. This is expected to be at least a month, until which time Assistant Brendan Bolton will coach the club. That the injury was caused by punching an inanimate object could not be confirmed at the time of writing.

From all here at The Smother we wish Al a speedy recovery, and we hope he continues to give us plenty to write about.


In the news...
Two Mohr Years! The Giants have re-signed frequently injured defender Tim Mohr until the end of 2016.

The MRP has returned its findings after round 10. Gary Ablett escaped charges, while Hamish Hartlett has been offered a week for striking and Clay Smith has also been given a week for engaging in rough conduct. Full sanctions here.

While Jeremy Cameron has pledged his allegiance to the under-fire Giants. "I'm loving my time here" said Cameron of the leagues most consistent team - losing by 113 and 111 points in recent weeks.

Monday, May 26, 2014: A life to attend to...

Well, aren't we glad that's over? The three-week bye-round shenanigans are done. One weekend, nine games. Every team taking part. The stuff dreams are made of; except that it isn't really.

No - we'll see, for some inexplicable reason - the rather intriguing Sydney v Geelong came take place on a Thursday night. Melbourne will play Port Adelaide in the Northern Territory. Hawthorn beating GWS by a margin somewhere in the vicinity of 1000 points will take place at 4pm on Sunday - and that's not even the last game. Sunday night will see a West Coast v North Melbourne game kicking off at 7:30 Melbourne time. Carlton continue their season of ridiculous scheduling with a 4:40 game on Saturday afternoon.

How much of our great game are we going to sell to Foxtel? Stacking games one after the other like Lego pieces might work well for the TV markets but it makes for some awfully tedious supporting experiences. Sitting through the 4:30 kick off at the MCG on the weekend, missing dinner to the point I even contemplated selling an organ to purchase a meat-pie, I wondered if perhaps in assembling this fixture, the AFL has forgotten that many of us have a life to attend to outside of football.


The Monday Wrap:
Friday: 
Geelong 111 defeated North Melbourne 91
Saturday:
Richmond 154 defeated GWS 41
Collingwood 109 defeated West Coast 101
Port Adelaide 100 defeated Hawthorn 86
Sunday:
Gold Coast 119 defeated Western Bulldogs 74
Carlton 81 defeated Adelaide 76

Ladder
Port Adelaide - 32 - 145.84% - (WWWWW)
Geelong - 28 - 116.95% - (WLWLW)
Gold Coast - 28 - 112.65% - (WWWWW)
Hawthorn - 24 - 152.57% -  (LWWLL)
Sydney - 24 - 124.89% - (WWWWW)
Collingwood - 24 - 107.90% - (WWWLW)
Fremantle - 20 - 117.58% - (LLWLW)
North Melbourne - 20 - 105.88% - (LWLWL)
West Coast - 16 - 125.55% - (LLLWL)
Adelaide - 16 - 102.28% - (WWLWL)
Essendon - 16 - 98.61% - (LLWWL)
Carlton - 16 - 86.72% - (WWLWW)
Richmond - 12 - 102.83% - (WLLLW)
Western Bulldogs - 12 - 84.28% - (LLLLL)
Melbourne - 12 - 78.70% - (LLWLW)
St. Kilda - 12 - 68.10% - (WLLLL)
GWS - 8 - 68.61% - (LLLLL)
Brisbane - 4 - 54.84% - (LWLLL)

In the news...
Dale Thomas is six weeks ahead of schedule in his development as a Carlton player according to renowned madman Mick Malthouse. "We didn't expect him to play the first six games" said Malthouse of his adopted son. 

Geelong may be forced to use Mark Blicavs to restrain Buddy on Thursday night if Tom Lonergan is unable to recover from a concussion. 

Friday, May 23, 2014: Andrew and I don't get along...

A few Fridays ago, when we were prognosticating on the wild antics that Andrew Demetriou would engage in sans the prospect of many more months in the top job, not even the demented heads of Smother house anticipated this. It's glorious, insatiable. Perhaps the most wonderful thing to ever happen to our great game. 

Today it became clear that Demetriou, rather than the quiet life he spoke of, is heading down the Jeff Kennett path of semi-retirement; Occasionally popping up on radio to make snide remarks about the enemies he's accrued over his years in power. Today's target was head of the AFL's nascent fans association - and former league employee - Brian Clarke. 

Demetriou told radio station 3AW that Clarke's complaint to the ACCC about the much-maligned variable pricing strategy was "a bit of a stunt by Clarke and co", and brilliantly, he didn't stop there. "Anything he can do to get in the paper he will", he said, while also describing Clarke as a "disaffected ex-employee" who has "caused havoc everywhere he's gone". He also went after the ACCC, suggesting they too like having their names in the paper, which will surely please Gil McLachlan who will now bear the brunt of an outraged consumer watchdog. 

Not that this was a one-sided affair - "We want to have a constructive relationship going forward. We're not going to deal with yesterday's men, and that's Andrew" said Clarke in a constructive manner. He also constructively called Demetriou stupid and said he was "out of touch with the average fan". "For him to take it personally and play the man, it's just disappointing" continued Clarke on a rant that will surely endear him to tomorrow's men, before summarising earnestly: "Andrew and I don't get along"

Demetriou's final word, though, was saved for the 'behind the times' and 'slow on the uptake' MCC.  

Oh, glorious day. We hope there's many more to come.

In the news...

Speaking of fantastic media events, Jack Riewoldt appears to have reinstated the media ban - and taken it to new heights. Yesterday, following a savaging from Damien Hardwick, Riewoldt avoided the media by jumping a fence and catching a train from nearby Richmond station. He did, however, avoid the axe for his troublesome press conference. (On Riewoldt, we feel the need to defend him. If this is how we're going to treat players who actually express themselves - we should expect a pretty dour future for football media. - Smother ed.)

Essendon has confirmed it will pay the bill for any legal costs incurred by players fighting ASADA charges. "We're just trying to be prepared for any outcome" said chairman Paul Little ominously. 

And, after an extended delay, the AFL appeals board has finally released the explanation for Jack Viney's exoneration. "The alleged offender should have the benefit of the doubt" they said in their release. 

TEAMS ARE HERE. Supercoach time. 

 

Thursday, May 22, 2014: One of those interviews...

"Obviously we're pretty disappointed with his comments. We caught up with him this morning and moved his foot from his mouth and my foot from his arse"

Damien Hardwick on Jack Riewoldt.

It is only very occasionally, amid the maddening monotony of AFL press conferences, that something of interest happens. The scourge of media training has reduced them to generally repetitive and dour affairs, people without much of a vocabulary repeating the few words they know and trying desperately not to say anything, anything, that might make for a back page lead. 

Mercifully though, there are times when all that media training escapes someone. Certain players just don't get along with all those microphones, nor their operators. It's a recipe for disaster, and sometimes that recipe produces a cake so outstanding that even we here at The Smother can't not write about it. When Jack Riewoldt, fresh from a media ban, stepped back into the fray of the fourth estate - no one could have anticipated the storm that would follow. All that he really did was attempt to diagnose issues at Richmond that are quite blatant to anyone who has seen them play (or even their results). 

His coach, however, didn't appreciate the impromptu inquisition. "I don't think he knew what he was saying" grumbled an agitated Hardwick, "it was one of those interviews where he constantly got himself deeper and deeper into trouble. He's very remorseful, he doesn't actually know why he said it". When asked if Riewoldt's indiscretion could see him banished to the magoos, Hardwick menacingly cited precedent in Newton's third law: "Like everything, with every action comes an equal and opposite reaction".

We must admit we poked fun at Riewoldt's early season media-ban, but we're man enough to admit we were wrong. As the inverse to Newton's law would suggest; if you want to stop reactions, cease taking action. 

In the news...

Giant Kangaroo Todd Goldstein has committed to the club for another two years. "I'm really happy to be at the footy club" he chuffed. 

Demons coach Paul Roos has ruled out remaining coach post-2016. "I've really enjoyed the footy club and I've really enjoyed the players" he said in what might be the most premature retirement speech in AFL history. 

And finally, for those on Bryce Gibbs watch: his contract is now awaiting board approval. It is expected he will re-sign at Carlton for another 4-5 years. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2104: From the office of Gil McLachlan

From the office of Gil McLachlan

AFL House 

ATTN: ALL STAFF

Please remain at your desks. To ensure full compliance, we have placed several large and hungry dogs at the exits and disabled the lifts. For those with a taste for creativity, we have had the astro-turf mounds along the front of the building fitted with electrified barbed wire and offered Terry Wallace a pouch of Drum for every escapee he catches. 

I realise these measures may seem extreme, however these are serious times. In the circumstances, nothing less than immediate and decisive action will suffice. Over the coming hours, a squad of highly trained former Marine Commandos will sweet the premises and begin confiscating mobile phones, computers and any other items deemed to be of relevance to the investigation. In the basement - the rooms which were previously occupied by Mark Evans' various technological experiments to produce usable footage for the score review system - we now have several professional hackers and tech-wizards who will analyse your devices. 

It is imperative to the ongoing professional operation of the league that this offender be identified and punished. The previous regime may have accepted transgressions, but a McLachlan lead AFL will not. The overgrown rodent who leaked the sensitive details about equalisation policy to Caroline Wilson will be caught. When they are, they will be punished - though the exact nature of this punishment is still being confirmed. That initial proposals were found to breach industrial relations laws and several UN conventions on torture will not dampen our pursuit of justice. A team of 7 highly-paid lawyers are currently assembled, discussing a range of measures that will circumvent these laws and allow us to banish the culprit henceforth to work as technical support for David King in the War Room or become the AFL's liaison with Mick Malthouse.  

Leaks such as this undermine the ability of the league to function effectively. We value your co-operation. 

-Gill

In the news....
West Coast's has re-signed 201 centimetres of unfulfilled potential until the end of 2019. "The West Coast Eagles is my home" said Nic Naitanui.

Shane Mumford is set to return this weekend for the GWS Giants. "I just seem to get these stupid injuries that no-one else has ever heard of" said Mumford of his interrupted 2014, "it just goes with the personality, I'm a bit weird on and off the field."

And our latest in the series of footy news that no-one could care less about, Williamstown defeated apparently real team Aspley by 7 goals in the biggest misuse of the MCG since the Sheffield Shield. Someone played well and you can read about it here. You won't.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014: That dream again...

The bye rounds are nearly over. The stains on the couch are getting worse. My Supercoach team is f***** and at night wake up sweating and screaming. It's that dream again, I'm trapped in The War Room with David King. He's a god damn lunatic. He's throwing the little icons around his touchscreen monitor thing and cackling hysterically at his own god awful jokes. It echoes through my brain. The other night he had a cardboard cut out of Eddie, and Mark Maclure was banging on the door of the studio. Really wretched stuff.

And it's only half way through the year. There's still six months to go. I think I need to take a bye round - sometimes watching this sport can be damn near as exhausting as playing it. Writing about it, to an audience of no-one, that takes some sheer grit.

And we can't even start ignoring games. Under normal circumstances, a games like Richmond v GWS or Carlton v Adelaide wouldn't even attract the most addicted member of the football commentariat. But these are not normal circumstances,  Richmond and Carlton are both so bad that we'll need 15 or 16 reporters at each game just in case something really heavy goes down. A 10 goal win to GWS, or a 10 goal loss for Calrton might just be the trigger for the media's favourite bloodsport: will they sack the coach?

All this and it's only round 10. Send sleeping pills and your finest counselors care of Smother House.  


In the news....
Nathan Grima will miss the much anticipated Geelong-North Melbourne game on Friday night with a foot twang. "He's too sort and we certainly don't want to take any risks with him" said coach Brad Scott.

Racism has reared its ugly head again, with an Essendon fan having their membership cancelled for abusing Adam Goodes and an as yet unidentified Bulldogs fan being hunted for vilifying Neville Jetta.

And finally, Steve Johnson and Chris Dawes have both accepted one match bans, meaning the tribunal won't sit tonight.

Monday, May 19, 2014: A dour and defensive tone

Professional sports is not about making friends. That is an ethos that has come to define Fremantle, who - under the guidance of the much-maligned Ross Lyon - boast two of the games bigger irritants: Ryan Crowley and Hayden Ballantyne. There is little love between that pair and Geelong forward Steve Johnson, and the pests had the last laugh on Saturday night. Not only did Fremantle run out convincing winners, Johnson will also miss a week after a 'misconduct' charge - which is surely a term that he thinks is construed too narrowly.

None of that worried Ross Lyon however, he was distracted by a free kick paid against Crowley - which appeared to be given for the injurious offence of 'being dragged through the interchange by Steve Johnson and pushed into Joel Selwood'. It was a baffling decision, but Lyon had his own description: "Sometimes when you think there's an injustice, you get frustrated" said Lyon, confirming he will contact the AFL to seek clarification on the rules for being dragged through the interchange and pushed into someone.

One imagines the AFL will take some inspiration from Ross Lyon when responding. A dour and defensive tone that, though unsightly, is almost good enough to win.


The Monday Wrap:
Thursday: 
Adelaide 76 defeated Collingwood 55
Friday:
Sydney 114 defeated Essendon 64
Saturday:
Melbourne 91 defeated Richmond 74
North Melbourne 125 defeated Brisbane 38
Fremantle 96 defeated Geelong 64
Sunday
Gold Coast 125 defeated St. Kilda 87

Ladder
Port Adelaide - 28 - 150.08% - (WWWWW)*
Hawthorn - 24 - 163.67% -  (WLWWL)*
Sydney - 24 - 124.89% - (WWWWW)
Geelong - 24 - 116.21% - (WWLWL)*
Gold Coast - 24 - 107.56% - (LWWWW)*
Fremantle - 20 - 117.58% - (LLWLW)
North Melbourne - 20 - 110.28% - (WLWLW)*
Collingwood - 20 - 107.80% - (WWWWL)*
West Coast - 16 - 131.77% - (LLLLW)*
Adelaide - 16 - 103.24% - (WWWLW)*
Essendon - 16 - 98.61% - (LLWWL)
Western Bulldogs - 12 - 87.71% - (WLLLL)*
Carlton - 12 - 84.81% - (LWWLW)*
Melbourne - 12 - 78.70% - (LLWLW)
St. Kilda - 12 - 68.10% - (WLLLL)
Richmond - 8 - 87.64% - (LWLLL)*
GWS - 8 - 75.71% - (LLLLL)*
Brisbane - 4 - 54.84% - (LWLLL)
*Game in hand

In the news...
Demon Chris Dawes has been offered a one-match ban for striking Alex Rance. Steve Johnson has been offered a week for 'misconduct' against Ryan Crowley. The full MRP report is here.

Tiger Brett Deledio is unable to explain what went wrong in his sides 17 point loss to Melbourne on Saturday. "We're searching for the answer. We're trying to find it" he Sherlock Holmesed this morning.  

And in men-in-suits news, St. Kilda CEO Matt Finnis has lashed out at Essendon chairman Paul Little following an outburst against ASADA on Friday night. "That's not a comment that the leadership of our game should be putting out there" said Finnis. 

Friday, May 16, 2014: An Open Letter to Mark Evans.

Dear Mr. Evans,

I am sure that we are not the first, nor will we be the last, to write you regarding last night's incident.

Obviously, an occurrence like this demands action. The cliche response - imagine if that happened in a Grand Final - actually holds water here. A Premiership decided by a goal that shouldn't have counted, a whole year irrevocably marred by a technological failure. It just wouldn't do Mark, something must be done.

Saying that, we feel like we know you. We've observed your innovative approach the game. The way you have been so willing to scour every corner of this Earth to find solutions, often to problems that aren't even necessarily problems. We've seen the goal review technology in action, the way a decision that has been made for over 100 years by a highly trained professional a few metres away has been deferred to someone else in a box with some grainy footage only to come back with the almost inevitable 'inconclusive' response. We've seen the mysterious man in the box stumble through the wrong sentence, the confused field umpires trying to comprehend them, the enraged fans with their heads in the hands. All of them thinking - wasn't it fine the way it was.

On this occasion, your eminence, the options are almost limitless: Illuminating goal posts, vibrating wrist bands, exploding balls, Dermott Brereton's utterly mystifying rant about electrodes. Maybe putting microchips in players that make them walk around in circles, copying each others motions like they do when a game of FIFA '14 ends. These must all seem very tempting, especially to an outside the box kinda guy like yourself.

But we urge, no, beg you: fight the temptation.  Siren gate was embarrassing. Siren Gate 2 was a tad frustrating. There will probably, one day, be a Siren Gate 3. But this is not an excuse to start plugging more things into other things and continually over complicating what is already a very confusing sport.

Please, Mr. Evans, just go to Adelaide and turn the siren up a bit. That's all you need to do. Make the siren louder. Maybe - if you need to get creative - patch the siren through to the Umpire's ear piece. Just please, please, please don't go adding more fallible technology to deal with the problem of fallible humanity.

There was a story of an old lady who swallowed a fly...

Yours sincerely,
The Smother

In the news...
The Greene Street Holligan has been issued a 5-match suspension for failing to report his arrest to the Giants. The punishment received the support of the coach, leadership and the board.  

The Swans have put their contract talks on hold as they work out the entirely foreseeable conundrum of how to pay both their old players and Buddy Franklin within a reduced salary cap. "It is difficult, if not impossible, with that uncertainty to move forward with contracts" grumbled football manager Dean Moore.

Struggling defender James Gwilt has been ruled out of the Saints 10 goal hammering by the Gold Coast with a hamstring injury. Tom Simpkin will replace Gwilt for the loss.

Okay, Teams are here. Do your Supercoach and leave us alone.

Thursday, May 15, 2014: Late night Adults Only Smother...

Well isn't this exiting? A late night Thursday Smother. Adults only, some might say. Others would say that we're just incompetent; unable to deliver a measly few hundred words on time. Some would say that it's rubbish anyway and perhaps we shouldn't bother... But we digress.

It's Thursday Night Football. Tex Walker's back, Nick Maxwell's back, Jack Frost is ready to unleash his own frostbite. Sold out at Adelaide's new home of football, what more could anyone want? A day off tomorrow? Yep, us too. But life isn't always like that. Then again, perhaps it's for the best. Holidays can sometimes make things worse...

Just ask Toby Greene, who will spend his tomorrow morning facing the music for his Caulfield jaunt. At least the clubs version of music, the Police will wait until September to unleash their punishment. Simon White's punch to the face of a fan remains mired in he-said/he-said. The Police have the footage, and are expected to play some music their too. Thankfully Josh Gibson, returning from America with a shoulder injury, there are no police involved. He'll still miss 10 weeks.

The upshot of all this: the bye has to go. It's just too much trouble, you can't let these hoodlum players off the leash. They are good at football, not necessarily good at life. Hell, abolish the off-season. Have the players join the Army Reserve between October and March....

Or just accept the fact that out of 700 men aged between 18 and 40, there will be an occasional fracas. Without football, some of them would be in jail.  In this adults only edition of The Smother; let's be adult about this...

In the news...
Bulldog Tory Dickson will miss 8-10 weeks with a torn pectoral muscle.

West Coast Coach Adam Simpson has conceded that Mark LeCras being suspended is not a good thing for the Eagles. "He didn't need to do that" Simpson said of the wild head-high bump that saw him banned.

And finally, great news for huge Alex Fasolo fan Alex Fasolo, re-signing with Collingwood until the end of 2016. "It's great to sign Alex Fasolo, Alex Fasolo is a great player with a bright future" thought Alex Fasolo after the deal.
 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014: A genuine test...

There's few things in the world The Smother loves more than idiocy. Maybe red wine, maybe Jack Frost... still, we love idiocy. Especially when it comes in the form of a Goal Line Review System that just doesn't work.

The AFL's Operations Manager, Mark Evans, is nothing if not inventive. His innovative score review system has been criticised. Perhaps the way in which a decision that was contentious to a highly-trained human being less than 2 metres away, is then deferred to a less talented person 100 metres away who has access to obscure and blurry footage from even further away. Perhaps it's the way that the only time two groups of football fans are united, other than cheering on a streaker, is in their mutual enraged booing of an umpire making the TV symbol in the goal square. But Evans is a man with solutions...

No, it's not simply referring to the old system which worked perfectly well for a century before we started messing with it. The answer is, obviously, more cameras.

Evans told the AFL-owned AFL Media that he was "delighted" with how the system had worked this year, a statement so ridiculous that only someone with a stake in its success would report it without criticism. But he did concede that if a few cameras were delightful, more cameras would be even better.... so long as those cameras work. "We need a system that's robust, that doesn't drop out" he said, ruling out the use of Vodafone as the official provider.

He then went on to prove his credentials as a technological genius by speaking like a NASA employee in the early 90's. "I'm happy to tell you that in three or four weeks time the two venues in Melbourne will come online and we can genuinely test to see whether there's benefit in that system".

It will be a genuine test, for all involved....


In the news....
In news every banner-maker associates with fear and panic, Brenton Sanderson has dropped Brent Reilly on the eve of his 200th game. "He's had some goals kicked on him... he won't be out of the side for long" said a conciliatory Sanderson.

In better news for the pride of South Australia, Collingwood's Nathan Brown won't make the trip to Adelaide for tomorrow nights clash, as he recovers from a shoulder twang. Nick Maxwell and Alan Toovey will return to combat Adelaide's returning forward Taylor Walker.

Following a long and disappointing tradition of famous Collingwood names, Dylan Buckley has re-signed with Carlton until the end of 2016. Team mate Mitch Robinson will sit out next week after accepting a one-match striking ban.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014: A "fantastic initiative by the umpiring department"

Vale Tom Hafey. A great footballer, a great man. 

Hayden Kennedy and Nathan Buckley; two coaches with substantial on-field reputations. While Buckley's career was impressive, it pales in comparison to the 495 games and 5 Grand Finals that Kennedy notched. Today, though, they met as equals. Two coaches, seeking to better understand each other.

Hayden Kennedy, AFL Umpiring Coach, attended Collingwood training today in what Buckley described as a "fantastic initiative by the umpiring department". That the initiative was all Buckley's shouldn't surprise anyone familiar with the Collingwood coach's opinion of his own ideas.

Still, it will be interesting to see what impact the visit has on players like Brodie Grundy, who conceded earlier this season that his record for the most frees against in the league was "not helping his team".


The Tuesday Wrap
Friday:
Sydney 107 defeated Hawthorn 88
Saturday:
Port Adelaide 94 defeated Fremantle 76
Essendon 65 defeated Brisbane 57
Western Bulldogs 99 defeated Melbourne 83
Sunday:
West Coast 188 defeated GWS 77
Monday:
Carlton 101 defeated St. Kilda 69

Ladder
Port Adelaide - 28 - 150.08% - (WWWWW)
Hawthorn - 24 - 163.67% -  (WLWWL)
Geelong - 24 - 125.24% - (WWWLW)*Sydney - 20 - 119.16% - (LWWWW)
Collingwood - 20 - 112.97% - (LWWWW)*
Gold Coast - 20 - 102.44% - (WLWWW)*
West Coast - 16 - 131.77% - (LLLLW)
Fremantle - 16 - 114.09% - (WLLWL)
Essendon - 16 - 106.60% - (LLLWW)
North Melbourne - 16 - 95.58% - (WWLWL)*Adelaide - 12 - 100.31% - (LWWWL)*
Western Bulldogs - 12 - 87.71% - (WLLLL)
Carlton - 12 - 84.81% - (LWWLW)
St. Kilda - 12 - 67.86% - (LWLLL)
Richmond - 8 - 88.53% - (LLWLL)*
GWS - 8 - 75.71% - (LLLLL)
Melbourne - 8 - 73.65% - (WLLWL)
Brisbane - 4 - 58.31% - (LLWLL)
*Game in hand

In the news...
Giant Toby Greene has been charged by Victoria Police after an alleged assault in Caulfield last night. The charge sheet is too large for reproduction on this humble blog, but you can read it here.

Fearsome Blue Mitch Robinson has been offered one match for striking Saint Jack Newnes. That Robinson's vision was obscured by his own jumper could make for an interesting tribunal case. 

In bad news for Geelong, professional pest Hayden Ballantyne is expected to be available for Saturday nights match. Minor jaw surgery is not enough to stop them flapping gums. 

Monday, May 12, 2014: Redefining the genre of ASADA Journalism...

A smattering. This weekend we saw a smattering of football. Just enough to constitute a round, not quite enough to generate any excitement. A tentative spread of a condiment we're not sure if we like yet.

Tonight it continues. In front of a smattering of people, St. Kilda will play Carlton in a game we're trying desperately to get excited about. Two ordinary teams, one which was an alleged contender, the other apparently doomed from the start. That they meet on a pretty much even footing is perhaps a story, but they will have no impact come September; it's an exercise in marketing irrelevance.

The biggest achievement in this round was not Sydney beating Hawthorn, nor Josh Kennedy's 11-straight goals against the Giants. No, it's a triumph against much greater odds. A triumph achieved not under the shining lights of the MCG or even under the aluminium roof of the Dome, but instead under the standard wattage lightbulbery of Fairfax HQ - where Sports scribe Chris Barrett works.

Barrett has managed, through some skulduggery no doubt, to get access to the inner workings of ASADA. If you ignore the fact that ASADA leaks like almost no organisation before it, it is truly stunning journalism. His story, which predicts D-Day for Essendon and Cronulla could come as early as this week, is replete with the almost inherent 'It is understood that..'s and 'Farifax Media has been told...'s that have come to define the genre of 'ASADA-Journalism'. Barrett reveals that up to 40 players from Essendon could receive show-cause notices.... which they must then respond to.... and then they will be assessed.... and then potentially places on a register of findings.... and THEN, maybe, infraction notices will be issued.

D-Day indeed.

In the news...
The Match Review Panel has been hard at work killing all that is great about our game: Jarryd Roughead has been given one week for bumping Ben McGlynn, Paul Chapman got a week for a hit on Dayne Zorko, Mark LeCras got two, Liam Jones got two and Matt Maguire from Brisbane got a one week sentence for tripping. More details here.

Cyril Rioli's hamstring twang will see him miss 3-4 weeks.

Friday, May 9, 2014: No Tribunal acting reasonably..

Prepare the ticker tape and clear the streets. Jack Viney is free.

Last night's reversal of what was generally accepted as the worst example of injustice since Adam & Eve copped a sentence of 'the concept of sin' for simply eating a tasty Eden Apple has been celebrated throughout the football world. It is the return of common sense, an obliteration for those attempting to 'soften up' football. An arms open invitation for professional footballers to spend the rest of the season worried only about the fine line between rough conduct and manslaughter.

But what of the old tribunal? How can that position continue to be tenable? Given that last nights finding was that the original Viney decision was, and i quote, 'so unreasonable that no Tribunal acting reasonably could have reached it', how can we continue to send players to these mad men. These unreasonable sadistic kings of their own domain, laughing uncontrollably as they turn football into netball and kill the game we once loved.

Either these men must immediately be discharged, or a frank admission must come from the AFL that the rules - as they currently stand - are so utterly insane that no lawyer, acting reasonably, could even pretend to understand them.

In the news...
Kangaroo Leigh Adams has committed to the club for another two years, shunning the temptation of free agency. "It's great to have the security of another two years" he said.

Kevin Sheedy has implored former Fremantle coach Mark Harvey to return to coaching. "You're a great coach. You will be a great coach. Don't forget that" he Obi-Wan Kenobied.

And finally, as if anyone who plays Supercoach is reading this anyway, the bye-round teams are here. Have fun trying to get a functional team together, losers.

Thursday, May 8, 2014: Muffled groans in a sparsely populated ANZ stadium...

"Playing against your former team can feel like turning on your family" was the headline for one of the more obscure football stories of the year so far. Ahead of Lance Franklin's first game against the Hawks on Friday Night, The Age - mired in journalist strikes - turned to the someone who knew what it felt like. A man who had been a favourite, if not controversial, son. A man who had also taken his football life to another state, forced only to return for a grudge match against those he had spurned. The Age turned to Wayne Carey.

Few men would quite know the acrimony that Carey walked into on that fateful night at Etihad Stadium. In his new Crows Jumper, playing against the one he worn so proudly; even on the dais on the last day in September. Many men knew what it was like to play against your old team; but not like Carey did. Of course, Buddy's story likes some minor features when compared to The Kings. Lance's departure was financial; the Hawks couldn't match the offer that the Swans had made. It was also not really acrimonious, there is scarcely a Hawthorn fan over the age of 8 who doesn't think the club better without him. Most of all, Franklin didn't get exercising the option with a teammates wife.

As much build-up as will come for tomorrow night, much of it will be exaggerated. In reality, the game being in Sydney means that whatever angst remains in the hearts of Hawthorn supporters will be reduced to muffled groans in a sparsely populated ANZ stadium. Most of all, they just don't care.

In the news...
Brisbane Lions CEO Malcolm Holmes has resigned, but the club denies he was pushed. "I think Malcolm appreciated where the club was at the moment - he'd achieved a lot of things, and it was now time to move on", said chairman Bob Sharpless. Just which of those achievements he was proudest of is still unclear.

Essendon haircut Michael Hurley has begun mentoring Jake Carlisle in the hope of dragging him out of his form slump. "I've told him not to base his games around stats and goals" said Hurley, despite the stats and goals showing that stats and goals have not been a focus for Carlisle.

And now entering the ridiculous phase, Mark Ricciuto has urged AFL players to go on strike over the Jack Viney ruling. "Sydney and Hawthorn will sit on their bums at the first bounce and strike" suggested Ricciuto, in a sign that head clashes can indeed impair your cognitive abilities.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014: Fixing the game...

This is all Lindsay Thomas' fault. Way back in round one 2013, Thomas laid an attempted hip and shoulder on Collingwood's Ben Reid. The hit itself was fair, but the resulting headclash left a bloodied Reid staggering from Etihad Stadium. Thomas, aside from the chorus of boos that followed him for the rest of that day, escaped unpunished. That was where it all started; ever since, the rules have been in chaos.

Part of this was a survey in this years pre-season, where 85% of clubs said that Thomas should have been suspended. The league reacted with the new interpretation, if you bump and hit the head, you're gone. It made sense if you wanted to reduce head injuries, because all of a sudden the risk of bumping someone was high enough to effect the split second decisions of the players. But it also created a fair bit of angst, because intrinsically it doesn't sit right with footy fans to punish someone for what was, ultimately, an accident. Alas, poor Jack Viney joins Nat Fyfe as the two players who have paid the price for Thomas' cheap shot.

So last night, as we do every Tuesday at Smother House, we put on our wigs and grabbed our gavels and sat down for a game of mock tribunal. This time was different though, because rather than divulging into a slanging match and eventual James Packer brawling, we came up with a solution. And we're taking it all the way to the top.

If you watch the contentious Thomas' bump, you'll notice a subtle yet important difference between it and the Fyfe and Viney incidents; the ball. This doesn't need a complete overhaul of the game, nor should it require a boycott or protest. It would please both the clubs and supporters if Thomas' cheap shot was punished, without requiring Fyfe or Viney to perform fine mathematical judgements whilst running full tilt into a rather large athlete. We just need to tweak the rules, something like: If you elect to bump a player who is not in possession of the ball, the onus is on you to to protect the head. The same rules would still apply to anyone who deliberately hits someone high while they are in possession of the ball.

This is the fastest and cleanest way to prevent the softening up of the game, we only hope the right people read it.

In the news...
It's all bump stuff today and we can't be bothered. Just share this blog and save the league. 

Tuesday, May 6, 2014: Urgent correspondence...

Urgent Correspondence

Andrew Ireland
c/o Sydney Swans Football Club.

Dear Andrew,

A word of warning, this message will somewhat deviate from our recent public commentary. We can assure you, however, that heeding our advice will be in the best interests of the game; specifically pertaining to the growth of the code in New South Wales.

The league is unimpressed, and deeply concerned, by recent press reports concerning the availability of Lance Franklin for Friday Night's match with Hawthorn. As you are no doubt aware, this match was one of the few benefits the league was able to draw from your recruitment of Franklin, and the league would like to reiterate its importance. Recent incidents, including but not limited to the destruction of several vehicles, have invited further scrutiny on a move which we already considered, to put it indelicately, a massive balls-up.

After careful consultation with our media and operations team, the league recommends that all reasonable measures be taken to ensure that Franklin is able to take the field. Should this require the use of certain disreputable figures from the medical or scientific fields, we advise you proceed - albeit with caution. We are quite serious here, inject him with pigs blood or ox brain or goddamn heroin, whatever it takes to get him on that field. Hell, if you need to, kill a small child and harvest the stem cells, even cut off Rhys Shaw's leg and sew that on the bastard. Whatever it takes, hombre, to get him out on that field.

We ask that you retain this advise in the strictest of confidence.
Sincerely,
The AFL Commission.

In the news....
The bump. It's all about the bump. With the AFL charged with ruining the game, Jack Viney will front the tribunal after failing to take adequate care of opponent Tom Lynch's head. He will be joined by Tiger Brett Deledio, who is challenging a one-match ban for striking Matthew Stokes.

The pride of Nar Nar Goon, Lachie Hansen, has shunned a potential free-agency payday by committing to North Melbourne until 2017.

And finally, some bad news for ladder leaders Hawthorn with Sam Mitchell out for 8 weeks with a hamstring twang and defender Brian Lake out with calf-twang.

Monday, May 5, 2014: Not even bothering to call Mark Fine...

It was nightmare stuff, truly harrowing. With a sadistic mob of 40,000 angry and ugly Collingwood supporters booing and jeering with the outrage that only true heartbreak can bring, Dale Thomas - the recipient of a rather soft free kick - lines up for goal. Even with his extensive Collingwood highlight reel, one doubts whether Thomas has ever heard the Black and White army roar with so much unencumbered joy as the moment that that kick veered wildly off his boot, failing to even make the distance.

That wasn't even the worst part. Later in the game he would fail to clear the relatively short Luke Ball who was standing his mark, and end up on his back after a misguided attempt to add some extra spice to the contest. His teammates were nowhere to be seen at this point, an acknowledgement of defeat on what was a dark night for Carlton, and a glorious one for Collingwood.

The problem is, however, that hating Carlton isn't all that much fun anymore. I tried to watch the replay on Saturday morning, but even my more sadistic side couldn't enjoy watching it. They are so ordinary, so utterly non-competitive; almost lifeless. The supporters, usually high on their own sense of superiority, are now broken men with empty faces. Stumbling hopelessly out of the MCG back to their meagre existence and not even bothering to call Mark Fine to talk up the potential of Levi Casboult.

And isn't that why we all love football?


The Monday Wrap
Friday:
Collingwood 104 defeated Carlton 70
Saturday:
Hawthorn 175 defeated St. Kilda 30
Port Adelaide 132 defeated GWS 97
Melbourne 70 defeated Adelaide 67
Sydney 123 defeated Brisbane 44
Essendon 73 defeated Bulldogs 65
Sunday:
Gold Coast 120 defeated North Melbourne 77
Geelong 81 defeated North Melbourne 76
Fremantle 73 defeated West Coast 54

Ladder
Hawthorn - 24 - 181.34% -  (WWLWW)
Port Adelaide - 24 - 153.92% - (LWWWW)
Geelong - 24 - 125.24% - (WWWLW)
Collingwood - 20 - 112.97% - (LWWWW)
Gold Coast - 20 - 102.44% - (WLWWW)
Fremantle - 16 - 120.32% - (LWLLW)
Sydney - 16 - 118.74% - (WLWWW)
North Melbourne - 16 - 95.58% - (WWLWL)
West Coast - 12 - 114.43% - (WLLLL)Essendon - 12 - 105.83% - (WLLLW)Adelaide - 12 - 100.31% - (LWWWL)St. Kilda - 12 - 67.79% - (LLWLL)
Richmond - 8 - 88.53% - (LLWLL)
GWS - 8 - 84.76% - (WLLLL)Western Bulldogs - 8 - 83.87% - (WWLLL)Carlton - 8 - 78.92% - (LLWWL)
Melbourne - 8 - 71.82% - (LWLLW)
Brisbane - 4 - 55.97% - (LLLWL)

In the news...
Eddie McGuire's King Kong gaffe last year has cost him his friendship with Adam Goodes. "Friends don't make jokes about friends like that" Goodes told a Sydney business function. 

Self-belief is high at Tigerland after an honourable loss to Geelong. "I'm confident and have full belief in this football club and full belief in the playing group" full-support-of-the-boarded Jack Riewoldt. 

St. Kilda's stinking injury run has continued, losing Jarryn Geary for 12 weeks with an elbow sustained in the Saints record 145 point loss to the Hawks.

Friday, May 2, 2014: Drunk, naked and driving the mobile stretcher around the MCG

For the working-man, there are few moments more treasured than finally handing in that letter. 'Thank you for the opportunities', it might read, 'but I have taken an opportunity to pursue other interests'. To add a closing broadside, perhaps a suggestion of parts of your body they can kiss, is tempting but unnecessary - it's implied, inherent to the utter smugness of the resignation letter.

It's that smugness that sets the tone for the golden two weeks or so between handing in that letter and finally leaving.  The notice period, when perhaps your former professionalism and diligence escapes you a little. It starts with being a few minutes late in the morning or taking a bit of extra lunch break; hell, what are they going to do about it? Fire you? So maybe you spend an afternoon just walking around the office, giving all those other suckers a chance to see just how carefree you are. A kind of victory lap around the office; a reminder that you have win, you've escaped.

These behaviours are all good and well, but sometimes it gets a little silly. More than one employee has been known to take this presumed immunity outside the envelope from time to time. One too many lunchtime beers perhaps; or telling Linda in HR that perhaps she could find a boyfriend if she smiled more (hell, everyone's thinking it). Or telling the boss to go off and say, copulate with himself. This kind of stuff you don't have impunity for. That line is important.

So we're particularly keen to see how Andrew Demetriou handles these last few weeks. With the handover pretty much taken care of by means of hiring his own deputy for the top job, the silliness has already begun. "People have got the right, if you really want to make a protest about it, to take their own food to the football" he told 3AW this morning. This kind of behaviour, picking a fight with his much-loved 'commercial partners' would never have flown back in the heady days of angry Demetriou...

It's the start of the golden days for Andrew, and we can only hope it ends in him drunk, naked and driving the mobile stretcher around the MCG while crying and screaming that we never gave variable pricing a chance...

In the news...
Ross Lyon is really, really, really really confident about Michael Barlow playing in Sunday's western derby. "We're really, really, really, really confident" he said in his pre-match presser.

Essendon's Jake Melksham insists that teammate Jake Carlisle is not troubled by his poor performances so far in 2014. "He's still the likeable Jake who laughs and mucks around" he said, sounding somewhat like a teacher comforting a Mother who's worried about her sons test scores by telling her how popular he is.

 And finally for this week, Magpie Brodie Grundy is attempting a brazen new strategy of not giving away free kicks in almost every ruck contest he enters. "It's something I'm trying to fix because obviously it's detrimental for the team" he professed. 

Thursday, May 1, 2014: I wouldn't call many of them my friends....

Given that Dale Thomas was perhaps the most controversial crossover from Collingwood to Carlton since Mike Malthouse, having them both facing the media before Friday's night blockbuster was always going to be contentious. It would be fine though, so long as no-one said anything stupid like "I wouldn't call many of the (Collingwood) supporters my friends".

But Thomas has never been one to take the easy way, and so - shortly after declaring himself "the enemy" this weekend - he let the Pies fans know that they weren't his friends. But that would still be okay, so long as Mick didn't do something stupid like challenging the media to beat it up into more of a story than it already was.

"You guys want to make it an issue and that's your job. No one can deny your role. You can make what you like out of it, build it up" he raged at the waiting media in his typical 'old man who thinks his wife has hidden his slippers' fashion. "How Dale goes, or how he doesn't go, won't have any bearing on the W or L" he continued, in a surprise declaration that his expensive off-season acquisition was somehow completely irrelevant.

So Friday Night will likely see Dale run through a navy blue banner into a welcome comparable to one Julian Assange might expect should he visit the Pentagon, but one wonders whether that is exactly what he wants. Thomas has always been a big game player, unfazed by the occasional ribbing from 60 or 70,000 witty and informed Collingwood supporters.

I don't gamble, especially where Collingwood are concerned, but if there's good odds for a Thomas best-on tomorrow night; it might be worth a sneaky dollar.

In the news....
St. Kilda signing Mav Weller could return to the AFL football this week as a replacement for the Saints vast array of injured stars. "He's just about ready to go. It might just be that he gets an opportunity this week" subtly hinted Alan Richardson.

Injured Bomber Alex Browne has been shown the faith by the Bombers, re-signing him until 2015. "I can't wait to get back out there, round one, 2015" he said, but who's counting?

And Tiger Brandon Ellis has conceded his team needs to do more to help Trent Cotchin break free from those pesky tigers. "He doesn't ask for much Cotchy, we need to help him out as a midfield group and going forward we just need to keep doing that" said Ellis, brown-nosing to within an inch of his life.