Thursday, March 6, 2014: This local eatery...

It's time that the AFL got serious about equalisation. Forget Eddie's tantrums and who paid how much for Lance Franklin, if we continue to allow our great game to be continually smeared by the scourge of crippling inequality, we'd best prepare ourselves for a dark, dark future. "Look at all the stats and Sydney is a lot more expensive to live than any other city" says economist and midfielder Kieran Jack, and he had evidence, hell, actual  anecdotal evidence, to back it up. “I certainly know how hard it is to live in Sydney, not if you’re an established player and you’re already earning OK money, it’s all right. But younger players coming in, they really struggle."

We agree with Jack, in truth, if we had one issue with the 9.8% allowance to help Sydney teams attract players to the harsh economic climate of the harbour city, it's that it didn't go far enough. There are other teams who are suffering, struggling to retain players in the face of ambitious raids by clubs fortunate enough to be surrounded by affordable housing. 

Geelong for example, where the cost of living is - according to some actual data we found - 15% cheaper than Melbourne, or St. Kilda and Hawthorn who have deviously relocated to suburban bases where $200,000 goes a lot further in the property market - safe in the knowledge that the league lacks the moral fortitude to adjust the salary cap accordingly. 

So, while you celebrate the abolition of the COLA and the apparent return to a level playing field, spare a thought for teams doing it tough. Teams like Collingwood, who are working in a rapidly gentrifying area where the cost of living has skyrocketed in recent years. After all, who would stay at Collingwood, Richmond or Melbourne when the price for food at this local eatery, for example, are so exorbitant. 

Equality means a level playing field, and it requires taking everything into consideration. Adelaide and Port Adelaide, where players benefit from a city that eschews frivolous excesses like any semblance of nightlife or the hopes of a job for their children, should not be competing on the same figure as Melbourne or Sydney clubs.

It is a debate that surely continue, but so long as The Smother isn't fired for a blatant lack of research and overwhelming bias, we'll continue to fight it...

In the news...

Carlton's Marc Murphy has signed am exciting 4-year deal with the Blues. "I just want to say how proud and humbled I am. It's extremely exciting" he said. 

Those wanting to fist-bump Dane Swan from interesting angles will be disappointed to here that he will never again have a full range of motion in his injured wrist. Despite this, he will play round one. 

Media ban be damned, Jack Riewoldt has been named for Richmond's practice match against Essendon at Punt Road, practice match team information is here. 

And finally, fans of Donnie Darko, Lantana and other films with confusing plots might enjoy the AFL's latest effort - the futuristic tale of a girl, an old man, and the 2013 Grand Final. 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014: Purchasing as many petards as they could carry....

With the league's pre-season cheese convention well and truly underway, the suited ones have headed west to Adelaide to argue about money. Chunks of cheese have dominated The Smother this week, and the unfettered cheddar discussion has continued with the revelation that outgoing AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou took home $3.8m for his efforts in 2013.

Although the figure is inflated by a $2m performance payment which was earned over previous years - presumably for achieving goals like not taking a six week mid-season jaunt around Europe - there are many within AFL land who think the fee to be somewhat excessive. On this we agree, but that may be a case of sour grapes given that negotiations with our own Big Cheese, the CEO at Smother Enterprises, fell well short of expectations. We are pleased with the decision not to fire us, but we continue to oppose the Eddie McGuire style public lashings that the boss has instituted. Our opposition, however, only seems to increase the intensity of the whippings. Truth be told, we're not real good at helping ourselves.

Speaking of which, with Sydney set to lose their controversial cost-of-living-allowance (COLA), we wonder if they too have been hoisted by their own petard. While, perhaps not so much as hoisted by their own petard, rather purchasing as many petards as they could carry, delivering them personally to Eddie McGuire and telling him to do with them as he wished. With the COLA argument heating up, common wisdom might have suggested keeping their heads down and avoiding anything that might serve as a flash-point in the argument. Something like, you know, signing the league's biggest player to a multi-millon dollar ten-year deal.

Instead, the Swans made a substantial donation to the armaments of the very men who were campaigning to have the COLA abolished, and in the end it has proved too much for the league to ignore. Although Demetriou denies that Buddy influenced the decision to remove the allowance, he also denied having any regrets about the way he handled the ASADA saga....

In the news...
The 18 AFL Captains gathered at the redeveloped Adelaide Oval today, and they wasted no time in coming out swinging against the Herald Sun. "As leaders of the playing group, we think it's appropriate to stand up, and lend our voice and influence, in condemning the mistreatment of vulnerable players. That's our responsibility" said the captain of the captains, Matthew Pavlich.

The AFL also took the opportunity to do some market research on the skippers, revealing that Hawthorn, Sydney and Fremantle are Premiership favourites among the admittedly niche market of AFL Captains. They also chose Scott Pendlebury for the Brownlow, Travis Cloke and Josh Kennedy to share the Coleman and Jack Martin as Rising Star.  

While it's small change for Demetriou, Carlton's Marc Murphy is close to re-signing with the Blues on a 4 year, $700,000-a-season deal.

And finally, Geelong's George Burberry has celebrated returning to training - after having his jaw broken in the pre-season - by donning a rather fitting bright pink cap.

Friday, February 21, 2014: Cheering and being a squad...

From his understated Toorak manor, the reserved philanthropist, amateur economist and Collingwood president had finally seen enough. After staying silent for countless hours, the media shy Edward McGuire finally said what needed to be said. It is time that "everyone, players included, make their workplaces successful and thriving. Otherwise, the lessons that have been learnt today - at Ford, Toyota and Alcoa - will be wasted on the AFL."

"Let's sort out the economy of football, so that everybody continues to have a job and that we have a great competition" McGuire lectured, reminding all of us the ultimate fragility of the pathway from AFL player to person employed in a position they have no little to no qualifications for. 

We mustn't forget McGuire's history in the providing jobs for downtrodden workers who don't necessarily having the prerequisite skills or experience. The club he quietly leads, Collingwood, has employed former lanky defender Simon Prestigiacomo as its merchandise manager, retired midfielder Nathan Buckley as head coach, and as recently as last year employed retrenched Jordan Russell as an AFL player despite a complete inability to kick a football.

And the economic smarts at Collingwood don't stop there. The industrial age theory of specialisation, which allowed factories to thrive by giving employees small tasks at which they can become highly proficient, is now officially back in vogue at the Westpac Centre with yesterday's announcement that they had relieved their cheer squad of the onerous task of sticky-taping bits of crepe together.

"Volunteers will create the banner, members will hold it up" professed club spokesman Stephen Rielly, noting that this would allow the cheer squad to focus on their core business of cheering and being a squad. "the cheer squad will be all about barracking and sounding great on the day... We want them to not be concerned about the banner and to focus on making a lot of noise". The move came as a result of an off-season survey which allowed the club to glean the ultimate goal of the cheer squad (that being to be "more unified and make a bigger noise" ie: cheering and being a squad).

And while on first glance it may seem like a blatant commercial ploy, we here at Smother House understand the difficulty that some behind the goals feel when deciding whether to go with the quintessential 'Collingwood-clap-clap-clap', or the moving ballad 'Colllll-inggggggg-woood'. It's the same challenge Oasis must face when choosing a set from their daunting back-catalogue, and they have roadies for the heavy lifting....
_________

In the news...
Sydney defeated a plucky GWS side by 40 points in Canberra last night, with the Swans bearded backline of Rhyce Shaw and Nick Malceski holding strong. The weekend will see Hawthorn play North Melbourne in Launceston, Collingwood take on Richmond in Wangaratta and another pretend derby between Gold Coast and Brisbane on Sunday in Townsville. 

Despite his lack of any time at Collingwood, Carlton midfielder and personal friend of Bryce Gibbs Marc Murphy looks set to re-sign. "I'm pretty close to 'Gibbsy' and from talking to Gibbsy I don't think he'll be going anywhere", he name-dropped.

Morning TV host and Port Adelaide chairman David Koch has revealed he would sack Jake King over his friendship with Bandido Toby Mitchell. ""We would get rid of him, absolutely, as simple as that," he holier-than-thou'd, from behind a camera a long way from Bandido Toby Mitchell. 

Young Magpie Marley Williams has been found guilty of causing Grievous Bodily Harm after his warning punch erronoeusly connected with the jaw of a man in an Albany pub. "I was not intending to hurt anyone. It was more of a warning punch. It was either strike or be beaten up" he said.

Jack Riewoldt has stuck to his media ban, withdrawing from Saturday night's NAB Challenge game with a thigh injury due to the presence of cameras.