September 29, 2014: The season in review...

It was hard to imagine the devastation. The pain that Sydney would have experienced leaving the hallowed turf at half-time, knowing that glory had eluded them, would have only been compounded by the awful knowledge that they had to go back out there. That they needed to spend another hour playing the rule of animated witches hats, humiliated by a force that - on this day at least - was as great as any to have graced a football field. Even when that subsided, they would be forced to watch as the cup - the cup they believed was rightfully theirs - was held aloft by other hands.

Hawthorn's dominance on Saturday was of the order we haven't seen since ASADA played Essendon in the Federal Court, the only saving grace was that they weren't forced to pay costs - a bill that included Tom Jones. Any who protested this teams place among the greats must surely now be assuaged. We are privileged to have witnessed it.

It was one bright spot in what has been a dark year for a our great game. ASADA rolls on against a backdrop of disastrous fixturing and other ill-fated tinkering with a formula that has worked perfectly fine for decades. Goal review controversy, inaudible sirens and the perennial cases of drunken misadventure have absorbed ample column space. At times the game itself was seen as a corollary to an arsenal of alternate narratives.

We finish the Smother's first season with gratitude for those who talk about footballers on football grounds, rather than footballers in court rooms. Those who advocate for curtain-raisers rather than fireworks and all-star dance troupes. Those who remember, however much life distracts us, the simple pleasure of that walk to the 'G, those precious few hours when nothing else matters.

Thanks for reading in 2014. The Smother salutes you.

September 25, 2014: A spot on the list...

In the heart of the best week of the year, when football is everywhere and there's no bad games, it was a hero of years gone by that returned to the limelight.

Nestled awkwardly next to the Monash Freeway and miles from a train station, VFL Park has been the unlikely hero of Grand Final week. Thousands of fans turned out to the venue on an appropriately chilly Thursday to see the Hawks train for the last time, the extra sizzle provided by Cyril Rioli's race against time to snatch a spot in the Hawks 22.

Even despite Tom Jones and Ed Sheeran touring the MCG, all eyes were on the man in the blue vest as he made it through training without issue. His performance creates a selection headache for Hawthorn, with 23 men pushing for 22 spots.

That means, unfortunately, that just like the wonderful stadium that used to exist around Hawthorn's training ground, someone might be forced to miss out. Rioli's flashy skills are like the central location and retractable roof of the Docklands dome, and Jonathon Simpkin may be left, like ol' Waverley Park, without a spot on the list.

September 23, 2014: The papers write themselves...

The day after the Brownlow, and normally the papers write themselves. A few pictures of the winner, a bit of back story, and then opinion pieces about how the Umpires have no idea and that 3-2-1 voting system doesn't work.

This year it was much the same, with the added focus on Gary Ablett potentially winning a third medal and Nat Fyfe winning despite being suspended. The whole thing would have been written and prepared, with a few underpaid interns left to insert the winners name and send it to the printers. Until Matt Priddis had his say.

Priddis came from the clouds to claim football's top prize. No one, least of all Priddis himself, saw the medal sliding awkwardly over his blonde locks - and all of a sudden the entire paper had to be re-written. Fyfe wasn't the third ineligible winner, Gary wasn't a three time champion. All of a sudden, the story of the day was whether the All Australian Selectors should be sacked and excommunicated for failing to include the Brownlow winner in the team.

One images a half-cut Mark Robinson swearing as he jogged along Southbank from Crown back to the Herald Sun towers, cutting a terrifying figure in the Melbourne night. I guess that's footy.

In the news...
Simon Meredith, Matt Stevic and Matthew Nicholls will be the three men in green who ruin Saturday's Grand Final. Chelsea Roffey has missed out on a spot and will be the emergency goal umpire.

September 22, 2014: Disrepute...

Footballs night of nights is finally here. Of course, all that glitz and glamour - the unrivaled decadence of the Palladium Room - is well beyond the average footy fan. Nope, we're a pie and sauce bunch and we're proud of it. There's no need to panic though, or feel left out, because as much as the Brownlow is a night for the women and the Dyson Heppell's of this world, it is also about sport - there is a competition on the running sheet and with God as our witness we will watch it. Oath, we'll do more than just watch it, we'll watch it with a froffy. Hell, we'll even bet on it. Because we are men. Men who drink and gamble and can't tell the difference between shampoo and conditioner and don't even care.

That's why the ads, which are sure to be both long and frequent, will no doubt feature a sizable sampling of the above. Tom Waterhouse will probably be there for no reason, Crown logos will feature prominently, the Sportsbet guy will be yelling at you. The time left over will be used to praise the joy of a fresh cold beer or something smooth spirit mixed with Coke rendering whatever spirit it was irrelevant.

And after all that, any player who happens to overindulge - to not heed the microscopic suggestion that one enjoys that product in moderation - will be heavily sanctioned. They, after all, will have brought the game into disrepute.

In the news...
Sydney will play Hawthorn in the AFL Grand Final. There's heaps of new about that here.

September 19, 2014: Footy focus.

What do you write about at the end of a week like this? In reverse order, we've seen: Essendon comprehensively banished from the Federal Court, with only ASADA's legal costs as a reminder that they were ever there; Guy McKenna's future as Gold Coast coach under the microscope; Patrick Dangerfield apparently looking for a trade, then not; Brenton Sanderson sacked and the coaching merry-go-round in full swing. The list could go on.

But let's not.

Instead, we should remind ourselves that this is all at the periphery. It sells papers, yes, but it doesn't win Premierships. What matters, at least insofar as we're going to write about, is that in a few hours time an Umpire will hold aloft a red piece of leather and slam it into the turf. For 3 hours, we can forget about court rooms and reviews, about external judgement. All that will matter is the two teams and the ball. And that's wonderful.

By Monday we will know, finally, just who will feature in the Grand Final. We will be in the midst of the best week of the year in the best city in the World.

That's what we want to focus on.

September 18, 2014: The luck of the Irish...

Despite finishing fourth, and being booted from the competition before the final extravaganza, Irish ruckman Padraig Lucey became the first player from Foxtel's reality TV series The Recruit to find his way on to an AFL list.

While the final three contestants were preparing to face their future at the live finale, Lucey was strutting around Geelong in his newly acquired Cat's jumper, safe in the knowledge that he had already claimed the prize that those who had outlasted him were still competing for. When Johann Wagner was confirmed as the first 'official' winner of the show, only Port Adelaide, Gold Coast and GWS offered themselves as potential homes. The lifelong Power supporter chose Alberton, and will join Lucey in the AFL next season.

The show was a ratings success, and an enjoyable watch. However, given that the winners of similar programs in cricket and soccer produced winners who never played first grade for their clubs, it will be very interesting to chart the success of Lucey and Wagner into the future.

In the news...
It's been a big 24 hours for former Crow Simon Goodwin. After being linked to the vacancy created by the hasty eviction of Brenton Sanderson at Adelaide, he has signed on as Paul Roos' successor at Melbourne. The Swans have confirmed that they will release assistant Stuart Dew should he be offered the top job in Adelaide.

Also in Sydney, Nick Malceski is expected to play in the preliminary final, despite suffering a hamstring injury two weeks ago.

GWS Ruckman Jonathon Giles is seeking a trade after a lack of opportunities at the Giants. The 26 year old apparently wants to return to South Australia.

September 16, 2014: A head made of tissue paper...

Late on the scene, airborne and dangerous. Brent Harvey will tonight front the AFL tribunal in the hope that this weekend will see him take part on a preliminary final, rather than spending his fourth week in the last five as a bystander; a man deemed too dangerous to take the field.

In his corner, we learned last night, will stand the only casualty of his crime. Joel Selwood confirmed that he will attend the hearing, giving evidence that - despite an expletive-laden diatribe given to the umpire at the time - the hit was an accident: "Those collisions happen throughout the night, we've all seen it, it was very minor" he told Footy Classified.

It is in that description that we find the only realistic defense available to Boomer. Though - as Nat Fyfe's naked neck on Brownlow Night will be able to attest - an accidental head clash is no defense, if it can be deemed minor, that is below the force required to constitute a report, Boomer can walk.

Of course, that requires one to ignore the claret that streamed from Selwood's head. The vibe on that seems to be that that particular part of Joel Selwood is made of the same tissue paper they use on the banners, and that a strong breeze could be enough to see him bleeding. One has to suspect it will be unsuccessful. The rules as they stand are pretty damning.

But this is not a court of law, and public opinion will weigh heavily on the judiciary. With Chris Judd among the many names vocally in support of Harvey, who knows?

In the news...
18 year old Saint Blake Acres has signed a new deal that will keep him at the club for the next four years.

Bomber Thompson has revealed he is likely to stay at Essendon next year - as soon as they find a job for him. The Premiership coach will step-aside to allow James Hird to return to the top job, but could prove an asset as a tactically minded waterboy.

And for the technologically minded footy fan, Etihad Stadium has announced it will install a new high-tech wifi system for fans. "(The AFL is) determined that AFL fans remain at the forefront of new technology to access our game in every way possible" said Gillon McLachlan of the decades-old wifi technology, which will allow fans to post more angry tweets about the price of everythign at Etihad stadium.

September 15, 2014: Can't take your eyes off it...

Twists and turns, momentum swinging with a temperamental breeze. We've washed ashore this Monday from a weekend that delivered beyond its obligation, a weekend that never read the history books. It delivered surprise in spades, a pertinent reminder that despite our petty gripes - the magnetic appeal of our native game has not abated. 

What we witnessed was victories for electricity over austerity, frenetic pace over stone walls once considered too big to be broken. In North Melbourne we saw a team sprinting through a marathon, their seemingly unassailable advantage almost conquered in a final quarter that must surely have been one of the greats. It was punctuated, almost necessarily, by confounding decisions - the officiating was guilty, but so were the players. In the end, only a goal separated them.

On the other side of the country was a different story. For a half, the famously dour Dockers strangled Port Adelaide. At one stage they lead by 5 goals over a team that managed only 3 in half a game, and then something switched. Ross Lyon's impenetrable fortress succumbed. 12 goals later, all Lyon could do was assess a season that had slipped through his fingers. Nobody saw it coming.  

North will travel to Sydney for a Friday night preliminary final, while Port Adelaide will play Hawthorn at 4pm on Saturday. Perhaps rightfully, the timing of a latter was contentious - but if we learned anything this weekend, it's that whenever this new administration decide to bounce that ball you can't afford to take your eyes off it. 

In the news...

Boom Boom's return to the Kangaroos lineup may be short lived, the pensioner being issued a one match ban for a high hit on Joel Selwood. The Kangaroos are believed to be appealing the decision. 

The Federal Court will on Friday hand down its findings in Essendon's case against ASADA. It is not yet known whether the result will be broadcasted live, though the 1:30PM kick-off may frustrate Channel 7. 

Geelong ruckman Dawson Simpson has been caught drink-driving, the club is yet to decide on an appropriate sanction, though the TAC are disappointed. 

September 11, 2014: An actual Lion...

A real lion? Like, an actual, real-life, god damn lion.

I hope we've finally made it, that fantastic point in AFL history when the quest for matchday experience has finally jumped the shark lion and we can get back to, you know, watching footy.

It began, as most crazy ideas tend to, in Adelaide. Gil McLachlan has become so enamored with the Power fans pre-match Never Tear Us Apart karaoke session that he has issued an edict to all clubs to lift their matchday experience to that level. While GWS may struggle to engage the seven people who attend their games to create an electric atmosphere, and Melbourne clubs have complained that the MCG and Etihad still refuse to let them do much in the way of atmosphere, the Lions took it seriously.

Those whacky Queenslanders, an actual lion at a football game.

In the news...
Martin Gleeson and Tyson Goldsack highlight today's re-signings, while Jack Newnes has also agreed to stay at St. Kilda.

Ben McEvoy has survived an appeal and will be allowed to play in Box Hill's preliminary final on Sunday. Williamstown's appeal was rejected, despite McEvoy only playing 5 of the required 6 VFL games to qualify for finals.

The Dees have opened negotiations with Nathan Jones, hoping to secure the bald former captain through their rebuild.

September 10, 2014: Take the contract away

Covering the AFL can sometimes require cunning and nous. Hiding in garbage cans, scurrying about the bars outside AFL House and picking up suspicious packages from secret locations, all in the hope of landing that scoop that will get you the back page and the front page and most of everything in between.

There are other times, however, when it is mere regurgitation. No doubt the Herald Sun, for example, will already have articles penned to run the day after the Brownlow - opinion pieces about how the current system doesn't reward the best players - in which only the names have to be inserted prior to print. The same goes for pre-season articles about the value of free agency, the length of the season, the equality of the fixturing and the draft etc.

At finals time, thanks largely to an ACCC without any bite and those opportunistic fiends at Ticketmaster, these boilerplate stories revolve around the gouging of fans with a myriad of fees and charges. This year it's a $6.50 booking fee that has fans up in arms - and rightly so. We would love to wax lyrical about how if a charge is unavoidable for the consumer, it's actually part of the price, but instead we're putting a call out to Mark Evans.

Mark, if you're listening, get back to the lab. Surely, after you've put microchips in everything you can find a way to take the contract away from Ticketmaster?

In the news...
Perhaps due to lack of interest, the AFL has been given a promise that no-one else will use ANZ Stadium before the Swans Preliminary Final, meaning the surface might be somewhat acceptable. If only there was a nicer ground, closer to the city and more appropriately sized.

Award Season - Despite being suspended twice in 2014, Nat Fyfe hasn't lost any friends among his colleagues, taking out the Players Association MVP last night.

Injuries - Hayden Ballantyne heads the list, while Luke McPharlin, Steve Johnson and Hamish Mcintosh are other big stories heading into the semi-finals.

September 5, 2014: Lumumbawumba...

Oh, Lumumba. 

You, Sir, are a hero. The things you stand for, the causes you advocate - a hell of a lot of people will thank you for it. There are gay people everywhere, gay people who have copped the kind of behaviour you've stood up against for their whole lives, who will applaud you. They don't deserve it, just as you don't deserve the chorus of 'get over it' that will come your way.

But it won't help you. 

We live in a country that, unfortunately, won't respect your actions. They won't be offended by a gay joke and won't understand how you - or anyone else - could be. It's a land where empathy is 'soft' and standing for something is sanctimonious. It's a shame, but it's the way it is. 

For what it's worth, we're with you.

In the news...

Fremantle has finally made it to Sydney after their flight was cancelled. Sources report that this mornings second attempt left 2 minutes early.

Daniel Jackson has shockingly retired from AFL football after a training injury this morning. Richmond are yet to confirm who will take his place for their clash with Port Adelaide.

And bad news for North, with Lachie Hansen's season apparently over due to a hip injury.  

September 4, 2014: Shut up and take our players...

I love Jack Frost. From obscurity he has thrived, transforming with ease into a mainstay of the often under siege Collingwood backline. His early season form was All Australian worthy. He's a star. A legend. The future. I love Jack Frost.

So with today's news that his younger - if not as amusingly named - brother Sam wants a trade from the Giants back to Melbourne, the only real question is whether any price is too high. Pendlebury? Swan? Beams? Elliot? As far as I'm concerned, they're all on the table. The only thing better than one Frost is two.

Seriously GWS, shut up and take our players.

In the news...
Jamie Bennell has signed a two-year contract extension at the Eagles. The former Demon played 19 games for the Eagles in 2014.

Hawthorn are preparing Cyril Rioli for a potential return in the preliminary final. "It's always a risk when you've got guys coming back from a soft tissue injury" said coach Al Clarkson.

Matt White will take the field on Sunday after he trained with Port's main group yesterday.

September 3, 2014: Taylor Made

One for the little men! At 173 cm, Lewis Taylor was not built for AFL. His stature saw him relegated to number 28 in the draft, despite captaining Vic Country and winning All Australian honours as a junior. The concern about recruiting a small man has hopefully been put to bed, as Taylor today walked away with the NAB Rising Star.

Winning by one vote from Bulldog Marcus Bontempelli and 7 ahead of North's Luke McDonald sees Taylor walk away with the Ron Evans Medal and $20k. For the rest of us little men, even those a little long of tooth and wide of belly, he has provided some hope for a brighter in the future.

It's a tall mans world, but some of us break the mould.

In the news...
James Kelly has conceded that the ground is the place for him after an attempted speccy saw him treated for an injured ankle. Cats do always land on their feet, but it's not always a comfortable landing.

Are you already bored of having to talk to friends or leave your stinking basement? Finals Fantasy might be for you.

September 2, 2014: Carn the Pies

Great news Pie Fans - The Black and White will feature in Finals Football. Yes, it's not quite the finals appearance we'd hoped for. There will be no Swan, Pendlebury, Beams etc. But the Black & White will be there, and isn't that what really matters.

Port Adelaide will be wearing the famous Magpies jumper following another piece of Mark Evans problem-solving. After Evans' nonsensical edict was issued to Port Adelaide to wear their away strip for a home final against Richmond, Port Adelaide responded first with confusion - given their jumper looks nothing likes Richmond anyway - before submitting their Port Magpies jumper, which was accepted despite arguably being more confusing than the normal home jumper.

Not that we care about the mechanics, we're just happy to see the Magpies in September.

In the news...
Alex Silvagni will replace the injured Michael Johnson for Fremantle's qualifying final. "It's not the ideal scenario for us, but it's not something we're dwelling on" grumbled coach Ross Lyon.

Paul Roos is furious at two of his players who dressed as Rolf Harris and a young girl for Mad Monday celebrations. Several newspaper editors were pleased with the costumes which saved them from doing any real journalism that day.

And Carlton capped off its Mad Monday by delisting a bunch of players, the names are here.

September 1, 2014: Egg on our face..

Never before have circumstances demanded a Smother issued as reticently as this one. We are ashamed, embarrassed, terrified; we are dogs that defecated on the carpet, a teenager caught out in a passionate moment self-love. The Smother is sorry, The Smother was wrong. The Smother feels the shame.

Yes, all of our predictions of a violent Tiger Train derailment at Homebush on Saturday were wrong. The yellow and black locomotive has bustled on, taking the front-page of every newspaper and the lead story on every news bulletin in their wake. The Tiger Train is full, bursting at the seams. It's electric, booming, armed and dangerous.

So we're sorry. We doubted you, and there's egg on our face.

The Smother Letters

"I’ve been trying via Twitter and Facebook to have Broomhead nicknamed Basil. Broom-Brush-Basil – boom, boom!
I’d appreciate you help in this important task."

We're on board, Bryce!

In the news...
The latest victim of the Tiger Train is Port Adelaide's jumper, they've been forced to wear a clash strip for Sunday's clash.

The Brisbane Lions have cut the contracts of seven players from the team that beat Collingwood by 10 goals. Andrew Raines, James Polkinghorne, James Lisle, Patrick Reardon as well as rookies Nick Hayes, Sam Michael and Isaac Conway have been delisted.

And the prospect of rain has caused concern in Sydney regarding the surface at ANZ Stadium. A non-turf expert might wonder why they built a ground that can't handle rain and chose to hold winter sports there, but we won't.