Friday, February 28, 2014: A permanent marker and a petting zoo...

Here at Smother House, we know better than most how hard it is to run a business. We've spent weeks trying to achieve the grandiose dreams of our ambitious president (who has asked that he only be referred to as The Big Cheese), only to realise that when you fix one problem, another seven or so pop up. The Big Cheese used to regularly barge in our office, stumbling over McDonalds packaging and shouting things like 'I said I wanted the biggest football blog in the world and you give me piss-poor articles about Romeo and Juliet. Dammit Smother, you haven't written anything funny since that one joke about Alex Fasolo'.

Luckily for our already depleted self-esteem, he's stopped doing that. In fact, he's stopped reading entirely. The Big Cheese now presumably spends his days windsurfing off the coast of Elsternwick, occasionally meeting with Eddie McGuire to discuss the perversity of taxing millionaires and completely ignoring our request for a marketing budget.

Which is why we feel sorry for Alan Joyce, the lovable Irish rogue who is slowly destroying our national airline and sacking all of his staff in order to compete with Virgin. Joyce is just like us really, trying to play whack-a-mole with a stretched budget, pouring money into one area and then watching another disaster unfold in the very place he took that money from. We, for example, sensed that the reason for deplorable lack of jokes was due to a general lack of energy, yet when we sacked scores of writers in order to purchase a coffee machine, we quickly discovered that we'd sacked the guy who came up with the Alex Fasolo joke, and the few of us left were still to break our comedic ducks. A problem that no amount of lightly frothed milk in a perfectly pulled Espresso could amend.

But we digress, and given digressing is something we were specifically warned about by The Big Cheese before his disappearance, it's time to talk about football. Specifically the Swans, who lost by 35 points to the Eagles in Blacktown last night. When John Longmire spent $10m obtaining Lance Moneyball Franklin from Hawthorn, he may have fallen into the same trap as we did with the coffee machine.

"The ball didn't really get down there and when it did it didn't come with any quality" said Longmire, explaining why his $10m man kicked a solitary behind in the loss. "We didn't win the ball, which is the most basic of basics and we didn't do it. I'm not thrilled." What the Swans learnt last night, albeit in the hardest way possible, was that when the ball is at the other end of the ground your forwards are about as important as the news that ASADA has finished stage 175 of its 250 stage investigation into Essendon. 

Of course, Buddy wasn't all about goals, he is also a marketing tool. Perhaps the Swans can maximise that investment by giving him a permanent marker and a petting zoo, signing autographs and amusing the local children while Heath Grundy deals with the swarm of opposition forwards.   


In the news...
Chris Scott, John Longmire, Mark Thompson, Alan Richardson, Justin Leppitsch and Adam Simpson have united to encourage fans to behave themselves while in the crowd. "People think that when you pay the price of a ticket that you can leave your morals or ethics behind for the two hours of the match" grumbled AFL Operations Manager Mark Evans, adding that "it's up to the adults in the crowd to show the way". (It is understood that attempt to invite Alastair Clarkson failed to reach him as he had previously smashed the phone they tried to call him on). 

However, if the AFL needs adults to send a message, they should go no further than Eddie McGuire and Andrew Newbold, who spent yesterday at AFL House discussing the leagues equalisation plans. "I think everyone knows how to behave and we'll be fine" said Newbold of his Presidential counterparts. 

McGuire has stepped up his campaign against the tax, accusing the other clubs of being dole bludgers "You work all your life, you've got your family and you've got your assets in play… and I come in and say, 'That's good, but I'm going to take three quarters of your money off you… and give it to the blokes who have been cheating down the road, not going to work, have been sitting on the porch smoking a cigar" He moaned, between high-paying board meetings. 

The infamous Marley Williams 'warning punch' continues to dog the young defender, he was sent home from Collingwood's Gold Coast training camp, though he did enjoy White Water World, and looks certain to miss at least the first 6 rounds while he awaits sentencing. 

Footy Operations Guy Mark Evans has completed a wide-ranging interview for AFL.com.au, declaring ominously that the centre bounce is safe... for now. 

Meanwhile, the final two games of the NAB Challenge are on this weekend. Melbourne and Geelong will clash in Darwin tonight, and GWS will take on St. Kilda on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga. The NAB Challenge will then give way to a series of practice matches, with Gold Coast taking on Collingwood on Sunday. 

Thursday, February 27, 2014: Stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in

When we here at Smother House needed an automobile to visit friends... qualify for the highly discriminatory Drive-Thru only policy at 24 hour McDonalds, we were determined to do it on the cheap. We purchased a 24 year old station wagon for $600, extinguished the small engine fires, applied copious amounts of duct tape and finally took pride of place in the automotive class.

Of course, as is perhaps to be expected of a $600 24 year old station wagon, it was only a few months before the engine exploded, pumping coolant fumes throughout the cabin and causing no small degree of hallucinations and chemical epiphanies. The wreckers offered us $200, reduced to $150 when they saw the state of the thing.

In football, as in life, you get what you paid for. There are laws that protect you against dishonest salesman or unexpected failures of a crucial nature, but these rights are waived when - having full knowledge of the state of the goods - you still decide to make the purchase. This will be bad news for Ross Lyon when he arrives at Windy Hill with a receipt and a 25 year old tall-forward stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in, as he might just find himself fresh out of luck.  

Limping off the ground in the first quarter of last night's NAB Challenge match was a reminder to always check the repair history, whether you're dealing with used cars or used tall-forwards. Scott Gumbleton's tissue paper hamstrings, which limited him to 35 games over 7 season at Essendon, were well documented enough to make Fremantle's offer a rather radical punt on some expensive and risky machinery.

Despite the injury, the Dockers coach isn't ready to write-off his new investment just yet. "I can't guess what is going through their head but when you invest so much and see that investment slip away in the short term and near term … longer-term all that work is done and it should pay off" he tyre-kicked. 


In the news...
We've laughed, we've cried, we've seen the price and laughed again, cried again etc... tonight Lance Moneyball Franklin will run out in his Swans jumper for the first time in a NAB Challenge against someone or other at Blacktown we think. Sources in Sydney are calling this the biggest event to hit the city since the ARIA's in early December, and are predicting a bumper crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters.

The AFL looks set to allow Marley Williams to play in Collingwood's Gold Coast practice match this weekend, although they will probably ban him from the season proper while he awaits sentencing over his jaw-breaking 'warning punch'. Sensing a chance to continue to be a football writer without having to watch any football, Caroline Wilson had her say too.

Taylor Walker's knee twang has taken on mythical proportions, with Adelaide coach Brenton Sanderson extending the window for when the key-forward might return to AFL. "It could be anywhere between rounds five and 15 and that's serious" he guessed.

Essendon coach Matthew Egan has praised Tom Bellchambers choice of foot-ware ahead of his return from an ankle-twang, expected to be in round 5. "He was walking around in normal shoes last night and a week ago he was in a moon boot" he said, sniffing a pair of dirty socks and leering at the feet of the hosts.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014: Toxic clouds...

The good folk of Morwell are going through some tough times at the moment. The open-cut mine that supplies their power station is on fire, billowing tons of potentially toxic gases into the atmosphere, causing understandable anxiety and illness among the locals. Victoria's emergency services are doing their best to contain the situation and limit the damage, and we here at Smother House think it would behoove Andrew Demetriou to keep a keen eye on that response ahead of his own potentially toxic explosion. 

With the announcement of the leagues new equalisation measures set for tomorrow, we have set the threat level to Extreme and are about to take shelter in our hastily constructed and ill-ventilated bunker. This is the first ever activation of The Smother Public Emergency Warning System (SPEWS). 

SPEWS advises that the highly caustic Edward McGuire is predicted to hit dangerous levels in the coming days. Ember attacks are expected, with the likelihood of a full scale explosion that will send a stream of capitalistic rage high over metropolitan Melbourne, toppling the trestle tables of the Socialist Alliance and flattening most of Brunswick, Fitzroy and Northcote. Take shelter, it is already too late to leave.... 

Poor Eddie. Just like Tony Abbott's cavalier fight against the commie scam that was the carbon tax, Eddie is all lined-up to fight the league's Luxury Tax, a tax that will see Collingwood unable to continually purchase top of the line equipment and therefore hurt jobs and the football economy. While Demetriou never said there would never be a luxury tax under a Government he leads, we can expect no less hostility from McGuire than we got from Abbott. 

For what it's worth, we support Eddie. Why should Collingwood have to give any of the millions it takes in from suburban pokie venues to help the Western Bulldogs buy the occasional football to practice with? We've got our 'Axe The Tax' signs, our fluro vests and we're ready to join the campaign trail... as soon as this toxic cloud clears up...

In the news...

Essendon coach Mark Thompson is full of love for his new signing Paul Chapman - "He didn't know what was going on for a while there did he, Chappy.... I could see him just running around in circles, he didn't know what to do. Couldn't get the ball. When it came to him he even fumbled which I'd never seen him do"

Port Adelaide knocked off Essendon in last night's NAB Challenge match, played in front of 127 enthusiastic supporters. Jay Schulz hurt an ankle and Essendon's Michael Hibberd injured a hamstring, though both are expected to play in round one. 

A crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters is also expected to gather for tonight's grudge match between Fremantle and the Western Bulldogs at the Superdome, and Lance Moneyball Franklin will debut for Sydney tomorrow night against West Coast in Blacktown. 

Bad news at North Melbourne with forward Taylor Garner injuring a hamstring. "We expect that he'll be able to resume full training within four weeks" said Football Director Geoff Walsh.

Brenton Sanderson has revealed part of the Crows secret plan to be more competitive, announcing that they plan to sign better players. "We'll certainly look at players who immediately make us better" he said while declaring the club's interest in Bryce Gibbs. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014: There never was a story of more woe...

"For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Essendon and Demetriou."

Without the family disputes and steady stream of murders, Romeo and Juliet would be a rather mundane tale of two people who met at a party, fell in love and then both died in a tragic case of miscommunication. It is the adversity and struggle, the against the odds nature of their love that makes the story so revered. 

Which is why we were so excited yesterday to see Bruce Reid, Paul Little and Xavier Campbell shaking hands with Andrew Demetriou and his Monatguean deputy Gillon McLachlan on a tour of Essendon's new training facility. Based in Tullamarine, close to Melbourne airport, the new facility was the perfect opportunity to reconcile an Essendon/AFL relationship which has endured more than it's fair share of turbulence - and, in a renewed spirit of re-building, both parties are prepared to put the past behind them. 

"We have to have a strong relationship with the AFL. 2013 was an average year for the relationship. We are about trying to rebuild with them and rebuild in many ways." said Little adoringly, stopping short of apologising for all but challenging Demetriou to pistols at dawn in 2013. For his part, Demetriou has embraced the spirit of forgiveness that encapsulated the giant shed near the airport - "I think the club is genuinely wanting to move forward, as are we." he fawned. 


In the news...

It may have only been a pretend derby, but the ramifications are very real for West Coast defender Patrick McGinnity who will serve a one week ban for rough conduct. Timmy Sumner from the Gold Coast can accept a reprimand, while St. Kilda's David Armitage is contesting a $2600 for inappropriate umpire-touching.

The people's Mullet, Ivan Maric, will miss six to eight weeks with an ankle-twang. "He’s been able to train with it in the last couple of weeks, but he hasn’t been 100 per cent comfortable" said Richmond performance manager Peter Burge.

AFL footy boss Mark Evans will be given more power in the most recent tweaks to the Match Review Panel. The AFL has also promised more clarity on the definition of reckless, negligent and intentional, which will be unlikely to come from a Dictionary. 

Last night's Fox Footy Dale Thomas Live Documentary was occasionally interrupted by a NAB Challenge match which was won by the Crows. Dale Thomas was mentioned just short of 19,000 times in the 3 hour broadcast, including our personal highlight - a soppy montage of Thomas hugging new-and-former coach Mick Malthouse.

The award for pre-season honesty, however, was won by Malthouse - "I said to the players before the game, if we win we will tick it, if we lose I will make an excuse to the media" he told the waiting journalists, before returning to talking about Dale Thomas. 


The Knock On Wood

Although he was largely obscured by the constant rolling coverage of everything Dale Thomas did, our man Cameron Wood racked up another 80 Supercoach points last night. Although he is perhaps a candidate for the Justin Madden Centre For Tall People Who Can't Run Good, he may perhaps buck the trend and play AFL football this year.

Did you know...?

You can get The Smother right up in your inbox - Subscribe or get us on Tweeter

Monday, February 24, 2014: Waiting for a cricket match that will never arrive....

A typical Monday at Smother House is spent lamenting decisions which seemed entirely sensible at the time, only to have terrible repercussions later. Decisions like an impromptu Sunday session which, viewed in the cold hard light of Monday morning, did not serve us well for delivering a blog that is even of NAB Challenge standard by our 11am-ish deadline.

Which is why, at 1 minute to 12 and with a pounding headache, we feel some sympathy for the AFL and the VCA. It must have seemed completely logical to them to reserve a 100,000 seat stadium for a cricket match which might not even happen and even if it does will bring a maximum crowd of 500, leaving the 70 plus thousand people who might want to watch an Essendon Hawthorn grudge match to squeeze into the 55,000 seat Docklands superdome.

Of course, hindsight is 20-20, and with Victoria languishing at the bottom of the Sheffield Shield table, that decision seems somewhat erroneous. So, just like our parents and friends won't easily forgive our Sunday afternoon pub-crawl antics and ill-directed snapchats, the Essendon and Hawthorn fans who miss out on a seat at the Dome (while the MCG lies in wait for a cricket match that will never arrive) may not be entirely happy with your behaviour.

A word of warning, though the Panadol might erase the headache, it won't make you look any less foolish.

BREAKING NEWS

If you're sad and lonely, you can get The Smother via email. SIGN UP NOW or JOIN US ON TWITTER.

In the news...
Former Carlton ruckman Justin Madden has gone Zoolander and planned to open the Justin Madden Centre for tall people who can't run good and want to learn to do other stuff good as well. "Big fellas in my era – particularly those like myself who lacked athleticism, coordination and a physique – were specialist ruckmen from the start" he said of his Ruck Academy initiative.

Brisbane Lion Sam Mayes has inspired his teammates, signing on at the Gabba until the end of 2016 despite the crippling homesickness that saw most of their young talent depart at the end of last season. "I've found it a little bit easier because me and three other first year boys moved into a house together. We've got a pool out the back, so it's pretty easy to get the other boys to come around" he said, leaving Michael Voss to wonder if building a pool for Jared Polec, Patrick Karnezis, Billy Longer, Sam Docherty and Elliot Yeo could have saved his job. 

In other signing news, Jack Gunston will remain at the Hawks until 2016 after deciding he doesn't like changing clubs - "To change from one club to another is something I don’t want to do again. It’s not the most enjoyable thing" . 

Hawthorn, Richmond and Brisbane won the weekend's NAB Challenge matches in a competition that is becoming increasingly hard to care about, while Geelong has lost Nathan Vardy for the season after an ACL injury at training. 

Friday, February 21, 2014: Cheering and being a squad...

From his understated Toorak manor, the reserved philanthropist, amateur economist and Collingwood president had finally seen enough. After staying silent for countless hours, the media shy Edward McGuire finally said what needed to be said. It is time that "everyone, players included, make their workplaces successful and thriving. Otherwise, the lessons that have been learnt today - at Ford, Toyota and Alcoa - will be wasted on the AFL."

"Let's sort out the economy of football, so that everybody continues to have a job and that we have a great competition" McGuire lectured, reminding all of us the ultimate fragility of the pathway from AFL player to person employed in a position they have no little to no qualifications for. 

We mustn't forget McGuire's history in the providing jobs for downtrodden workers who don't necessarily having the prerequisite skills or experience. The club he quietly leads, Collingwood, has employed former lanky defender Simon Prestigiacomo as its merchandise manager, retired midfielder Nathan Buckley as head coach, and as recently as last year employed retrenched Jordan Russell as an AFL player despite a complete inability to kick a football.

And the economic smarts at Collingwood don't stop there. The industrial age theory of specialisation, which allowed factories to thrive by giving employees small tasks at which they can become highly proficient, is now officially back in vogue at the Westpac Centre with yesterday's announcement that they had relieved their cheer squad of the onerous task of sticky-taping bits of crepe together.

"Volunteers will create the banner, members will hold it up" professed club spokesman Stephen Rielly, noting that this would allow the cheer squad to focus on their core business of cheering and being a squad. "the cheer squad will be all about barracking and sounding great on the day... We want them to not be concerned about the banner and to focus on making a lot of noise". The move came as a result of an off-season survey which allowed the club to glean the ultimate goal of the cheer squad (that being to be "more unified and make a bigger noise" ie: cheering and being a squad).

And while on first glance it may seem like a blatant commercial ploy, we here at Smother House understand the difficulty that some behind the goals feel when deciding whether to go with the quintessential 'Collingwood-clap-clap-clap', or the moving ballad 'Colllll-inggggggg-woood'. It's the same challenge Oasis must face when choosing a set from their daunting back-catalogue, and they have roadies for the heavy lifting....
_________

In the news...
Sydney defeated a plucky GWS side by 40 points in Canberra last night, with the Swans bearded backline of Rhyce Shaw and Nick Malceski holding strong. The weekend will see Hawthorn play North Melbourne in Launceston, Collingwood take on Richmond in Wangaratta and another pretend derby between Gold Coast and Brisbane on Sunday in Townsville. 

Despite his lack of any time at Collingwood, Carlton midfielder and personal friend of Bryce Gibbs Marc Murphy looks set to re-sign. "I'm pretty close to 'Gibbsy' and from talking to Gibbsy I don't think he'll be going anywhere", he name-dropped.

Morning TV host and Port Adelaide chairman David Koch has revealed he would sack Jake King over his friendship with Bandido Toby Mitchell. ""We would get rid of him, absolutely, as simple as that," he holier-than-thou'd, from behind a camera a long way from Bandido Toby Mitchell. 

Young Magpie Marley Williams has been found guilty of causing Grievous Bodily Harm after his warning punch erronoeusly connected with the jaw of a man in an Albany pub. "I was not intending to hurt anyone. It was more of a warning punch. It was either strike or be beaten up" he said.

Jack Riewoldt has stuck to his media ban, withdrawing from Saturday night's NAB Challenge game with a thigh injury due to the presence of cameras.

Thursday, February 20, 2014: A seat that is becoming very hard to sit in...

"All we are saying is to be careful, make sure they have done everything in their power to be ready to get into a seat that is becoming very hard to sit in.''

The excitement at Smother House hit fever pitch yesterday when we assumed, after hearing the above quote, that AFL Coaches Association head Danny Frawley had taken our side. The couch from which we consume endless hours of sport is indeed becoming hard to sit in; the sweat patches from throughout The Ashes have meshed with a variety of food stains creating super stains that are of some interest the CSIRO. Yet, despite our desperate appeals to Fair Work Australia and the United Nations, our humble couch was somehow deemed a safe workplace. A voice like Frawley's is just what we needed to convince our overlords to replace the couch, or at least cover it in some plastic sheeting - Chernobyl style.  

Alas, we felt a wave of disappointment when we read on and realised he was not at all concerned with our safety. The chair to which Frawley referred was indeed the one occupied by our 18 AFL coaches, and the qualifications that one should obtain. 

''It's a bit like a student that gets a perfect score in English in Year 12, and then the very next year asking them to go back to school and teach English. It just doesn't happen that way.'' he said, brandishing his own tumultuous career at Richmond as an example of the dangers of assuming that a good captain will make a good coach. Of course, in the wake of the startling illiteracy figures revealed last night, perhaps hiring English teachers with a vague proficiency in English mightn't be such a bad idea. 

_____

Another good idea was that of St. Kilda to recruit Eli Templeton, the dreadlocked wunderkind who bagged a brace of soccer goals in last night's NAB Challenge match with the Bulldogs. The Bulldogs ran out 11 point winners at a rain-soaked Simonds Stadium thanks largely to 3 goals from former dreadlocked wunderkind Luke Dahlhaus. 

_____

Buddy Franklin, Kurt Tippett and Tom Boyd lead the list of stars off the track for tonight's Startrack Oval pretend derby.  Jeremy Cameron will play for the Giants, along with recruits Heath Shaw, Josh Hunt, Shane Mumford, Dylan Addison and Jed Lamb. Rhyce Shaw will return for the Swans, along with ex-Blue Jeremy Laidler and Richmond Scrabble score Tom Derickx. 

_____

Meanwhile, the Match Review Panel looks set to continue without any major changes despite no-one having the faintest idea what it is they're doing. "It might be that we take a longer-term view of that and assess it across a full season before any major changes comes through, but there might some amendments to that system." said AFL operations manager Mark Evans of the panel that is becoming very hard to sit on...

In the news...

Chris Scott has put some faith in two of his injured chargers, declaring that Allen Christensen and Steven Motlop are "not replaceable players". "But we've got some pretty handy players who will come in and do a very serviceable job. It might not be quite as good" he said.

St. Kilda's efforts to replicate the transition of Chris Yarran from forward to defender has been put on ice, with Terry Milera set to remain up front for the Saints in 2014. "I enjoy kicking goals" said Milera, clearly unaware of the team he was playing for.

Luke Hodge will join Brad Sewell and Josh Gibson in Hawthorn's team for tomorrow night's NAB Challenge game in Launceston against the Kangaroos. Majak Daw will play for the Roos.

Collingwood player and massive Alex Fasolo fan Alex Fasolo is in the mix to play his first senior game since an foot injury in round 5 last year. "He is certainly right in the mix to be selected if he gets through training" said Collingwood football director Rodney Eade.

Wednesday February 19, 2014: The navy blue light on the dock..

The Great Pendlebury...

"Gatsby's wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy's dock....his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him." 

Collingwood captain Scott Pendlebury must identify with Jay Gatsby. He's lost his own Daisy, to Carlton of all places, and after his pre-season jaunt to the US with Gary Ablett Jr, he's gone and got himself caught up in his own impossible American dream. "The parties were bigger, the shows were broader, the buildings were higher, the models were looser, and the ban on alcohol had backfired. Making the liquor cheaper. Wall Street was luring the young and ambitious, and I was one of them..." he didn't say, but he was drawn by the experience of the Superbowl, and has set his sights on bringing that great American dream down under. 

"After seeing it, I spoke to 'Gaz' over there and said it would be pretty cool if we did this back in Australia" he yankee-doodled, "Even a 4.40pm timeslot where the entertainment at half-time was under lights.... It 
created a great buzz and certainly something that opened my eyes over there is how well they did it."

And while anyone with even a passing interest in music will tell you that the vast amount of natural light provided by the afternoon Grand Final was the third biggest issue that confronted Meatloaf in his shambolic performance (the other two being giving him a microphone and booking him at all), we think it's time to get back to basics. The recipe for a great AFL Grand Final - which has worked for thousands of years - is quite simple; put Mark Seymour in the corner and start a game of Little League whilst gouging supporters for their every dollar with prohibitively expensive flat beers, cold pies and multi-million dollar 'healthy choice' sandwiches for those watching their weight (as opposed to their wait - which grows every year as the league sends more and more staff upstairs to massage the feet of corporate executives who don't even care who's playing).

That, Mr. Pendlebury, is the great Australian dream - even if it will never bring Daisy back. 

______________________________

In other news...

The Eagles started their redemption campaign with a 148-64 win over a group of strangers in Fremantle jumpers. 

Collingwood's Quentin Lynch has put his hand up for the 2014 Johnny Rotten medal, "I don't care what other people think" he screamed defiantly when asked about his spot in the side, sticking a safety pin through his ear and giving the finger to 'the man'. 

Essendon's Alex Browne has joined his exiled coach James Hird in missing the 2104 season after scans revealed ACL damage. 

Meanwhile, the salary cap debate roars on. This time it's the AFLPA suggesting that perhaps their should be a cap on total 'football' spending, including players, coaches and facilities. Carlton is licking it's lips at the proposal as it prepares to sack Mick Malthouse and rehire him as a 'marketing manager'.

Justin Leppitsch has promised to rebuild the Lions without a significant bottoming out. "There's a basic formula for age and experience analysis out there that can tell you a premiership team's make-up and a finals team's make-up, We're probably a little bit south of that just on numbers", he underestimated.

Tuesday February 17: Great oratory...

Vive Le Revolution...

With the abundance of 'yeah, nah' and a horrid habit of appropriating senseless grammatical crimes from American sports, football and great oratory are two things not often associated with each other. Occasionally though, someone steps up and delivers a speech so gosh darn inspirational that we here at Smother House feel the need to drape ourselves in an AFL flag, wipe our weeping eyes and march down to Demetriou's waterfront office shouting Vive Le Revolution.

Yesterday, that man was Alastair Clarkson. "For too long, coaches have had that attitude or felt they should. For too long, we've said nothing. We need to speak up about this" He Martin Luther-Kinged, ''We're only temporary custodians. We're just here to protect the game and pass the baton on to the next generation and ensure it is in a good state.

''We've just got to make sure that things like what happened last year must never be allowed to ambush the game again, to tarnish what is a great game"

He was, of course, referring to Essendon, and with the usual decorum that has defined the Hawthorn-Essendon relationship over the years, he couldn't resist the chance to pass comment on exiled dictator James Hird. "'Hirdy needs accreditation to coach under nines but not an AFL footy team. It really concerns me that the game doesn't protect itself in the way, say, the teaching industry does." Tasty stuff...

____________

Meanwhile, new West Coast Coach Adam Simpson has promised a tangible sense of chaos for tonight's faux derby in a place I've never heard of. "I’d like 10 games before round one to be honest. It could get messy on the weekend", he teased, leaving the waiting media whether or not he had spent the afternoon on Tinder looking for big strong men who could possibly hold down a key position. 

_____________

The cost of living allowance (COLA) debate has drawn on, with Mike Fitzpatrick giving the strongest hint yet that the COLA has little, it anything, to do with the COL. 

Asked about the changes, AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick showed the standard political guile required of an AFL chairman by answering an entirely different and completely made up question that he felt more equipped to answer. "I think if your question is, are Greater Western Sydney at a different stage of development to Sydney? (it wasn't...) I think the answer's yes", he self-answered, showing a limited understanding of either the property market, the purpose of the allowance, or both.


The most likely path appears to be the removal of the COLA, replacing it with an 'expansion allowance' which will allow GWS to continue to rort the system while appeasing those outraged by Lance Franklin's signings. A 'yeah, nah' if ever we heard one...

___________________________

In the news...

43 touches and 7 inside-50's for David Zaharakis was not enough to get the Bombers over the line at Metricon Stadium last night, with a Gary Ablett buzzer-beater getting the Suns home 90-89.
Essendon youngster Alex Browne suffered a leg injury of as-yet-unformed severity, while the Gold Coast shook of a shoulder scare to recruit Sean Lemmens. "He may be right next week, if not definitely for Collingwood" said Guy McKenna, proving that if the draft gives you Lemmens, you should send someone to Lemmens aid. 

The Gold Coast's Sean Lemmens is likely to play next week despite a shoulder scare, when the draft gives you Lemmens...

Adelaide have added Ricky Henderson to a pre-season casualty list which already includes captain Nathan Van Berlo. Henderson has a suspected leg fracture after landing awkwardly in a tackle.


Go go gadget...
Maverick Weller, who has moved from Gold Coast to St. Kilda, has praised the proportions of the Sun's prodigy Jack Martin."It’s not that he’s that tall but I reckon he’s got really long arms, which helps him take a good catch.", said Weller. 

Monday February 17, 2014: Who's game is it anyway?

Where everything's made up and the points don't matter...

We're exhausted, grumpy and running out of microwavable cheese-burgers. Heading in to game 6 of this hasty attempt to balance the interests of a litany of conflicting parties, we have to admit it's getting a little tiresome. So while a half-baked Essendon side head north to face the Suns tonight, we were relieved to see a weekend which reminded us what football is about... men in suits arguing about money.

There's no denying the difficulty that faces Tony Shepherd, the man in the suit charged with creating an orange and white army to rival that of the Wanderers. It's not always easy being the new kid on the block. This is especially so when you're an AFL team in Western Sydney, an area that doesn't quite grasp the complexities of our great game and where the locals have ample other pursuits to occupy their weekends.

It makes complete sense for the Giants to try and gain some competitive advantage over their cross-city rivals, but one wonders whether Shepherd's weekend tirade against the Swans might backfire - or at least downfire and leave a gaping hole in his own foot.

 In an utterly confounding interview with Fairfax Media, Shepherd denounced the decision of his cross-town rivals to sign Buddy Franklin as 'not a good move', urging the media to ingore his own clubs protracted pursuit of the power forward. Even more astounding was his criticism of the Swan's 9.8% salary cap allowance, arguing that by signing Franklin, the Swans had abused the extra salary-cap space that the Giants also enjoy and tried to use to sign none other than Franklin. It's an argument fraught with hypocrisy that puts the AFL in the difficult position of removing the concession for Sydney while retaining it in the cheaper western suburbs.

It's surely not the last we'll see of the COLA furore. The AFL Commission are meeting in Sydney this week to decide whether, in this Socialist Animal Farm of a league, some animals are more equal than others. While it seems an interesting choice to hold the meeting in Sydney - where it will presumably cost 9.8% more than anywhere else - we're pretty sure that if you look from Giant to Swan, and from Swan to Giant, and from Giant to Swan again, it might be hard to tell which is which...

_____________

In other news...

The Demon resurgence is well on-track under the inspired tutelage of Paul Roos. While James Frawley's optimism stopped just short of actually signing a contract with the Demons, he did take time to mention some of his teammates in the win over Richmond on Friday night - albeit with a small degree of backhand.
"You see Treds on Friday night, he had a form slump the last couple of years but on Friday night he comes out and has 35 touches" he said, leaving some wondering if two years is perhaps a bit beyond a slump. 

Carlton and Adelaide also celebrated meaningless victories on the weekend, with $2m man Eddie Betts kicking 5 goals in shorts that actually fit him and former Saint Nick Dal Santo picking up 29 touches.

______________

The knock on Wood

It would be patently unfair of us not to mention the remarkable 83 point Dream Team performance on surprise Carlton signing Cameron Wood. After he kicked the winning goal, we have upgraded our expectations of him from 'frustrating VFL ruckman' to 'potentially frustrating injury replacement'.

Friday, February 14, 2014: Don't break the teacup

It was a scene reminiscent of the latter episodes of Breaking Bad. Gary March and Damien Hardwick emerging from a cloud of smoke, holding a broken teacup and draped in matching yellow and black Hazmat suits.

That teacup was the very same that only a few days ago had held the storm about the omission of a certain Full Forward from the club's leadership group. A teacup that that certain Full Forward who used to be in Richmond's leadership group (FFWUTBIRLG) had inexplicably smashed, taking a relatively minor news story and splashing it recklessly across every back page in the Melbourne metro area.

We, for one, feel bad for the FFWUTBIRLG. So incensed was FFWUTBIRLG at the coverage of his demotion that he struck back, banning himself from any media appearances. Why the media ban strategy, which thus far has ensured blanket coverage of FFWUTBIRLG across every conceivable form of media, was chosen (in preference to the perhaps more sensible strategy of shutting up and letting the story blow over) is unclear, the aforementioned media ban precluding any further enquiries.

Still, it survives as a pertinent reminder to footballers heading into the new season. Don't break the teacup, don't EVER break the teacup.
____________

Speaking of breaking things, full points to the AFL for attempting to break the (at least slightly self-inflicted) assumption that multiculturalism was something that happened entirely separately from white people. Naming Jobe Watson as a multicultural ambassador was a welcome move, not that we can say it any better than Nic Natanui - "There's always a token black guy... now there's a token white guy".

On matters pertaining to the actual kicking of the red thing, we feel it would behoove us to remind Hawthorn that no-one likes a show-off. Already Premiers and facing a Brisbane side who were as recognisable as the cast in those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise, Hawthorn Harlem Globetrotted there way to a 131 point victory. It was almost as hard to watch as those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise.

It is worth remembering that in one of the most of striking examples of peaking too early in recent memory, Brisbane won the pre-season competition last year before falling in a heap. "In six weeks weeks time, you won't know it happened" said Justin Leppitsch, indicating either that up north hope springs eternal, or that worse is yet to come. 

In the news....
Richmond and Melbourne will clash tonight at Docklands Superdome to decide once and for all just who will win that.
World renowned laid-back nice guy Nathan Buckley has praised the umpires after Wednesday nights NAB Challenge opener.
In what is shaping as the League's first 'show and tell' after the recruiting season, Dale Thomas and Nick Dal Santo will debut for their respective teams in Ballarat tomorrow night.
Jobe Watson has issued a timely reminder that Essendon will indeed be entering the AFL this season. "What (interim coach Mark Thompson) has said is 2014 is not a transition period", he said, "he is not going to allow it to be a wasted season."

Thursday, February 13, 2014: Winning form is (maybe) good form...

Form is an elusive beast. While most coaches agree that good form is good, there is some conjecture on whether bad form is necessarily bad, especially in this pre-season 'challenge', where players can be 'better for the run'. Regardless of the debate on its value, form was the first of our few justifications for saying goodbye to our loved ones and setting in for 18 days of ultimately meaningless football.

The second were the umpires, and whether recent rule changes would finally allow an enraged Travis Cloke to perform some jiu jitso wrestling maneuver on his opponent, forcing the poor defender to eat the grass with one hand while taking juggling marks with the other. That there were only 27 free kicks for the game was a positive sign in that regard, although that was offset by an average 45 degree trajectory on the centre bounce. The rustiness of the affair was not confined to the players. 

The third is of course injuries, the prevention of which is the ultimate goal of these pre-season dalliances. Geelong looks to have lost George Brrrrrrberry to a broken jaw, after the 21 year old made a promising start. Collingwood's Nathan Freeman tore a hamstring, and Tim Broomhead damaged a hand, although he's hopeful of brushing it off before round one (sorry...). Brodie Grundy returned to the field after a head-clash, although he may require surgery to remove a malignant hair bun that threatens to bring the game, and indeed the country, into disrepute.

--------

Meanwhile, with all the enthusiasm of a hungover teenager on a family beach trip, we turn our attention to tonight's all-holds-barred jog around at the Docklands Dome. Hawthorn coach Alistair Clarkson, fresh from Premiership glory, has done his best to inject some fun into the occasion, adopting the role of game show host to fend off questions about how his club will fill the now infamous Bud-hole. 
"How is our forward line going to structure up without Bud? Who is going to replace him? Is it a taller player or a smaller type of a combination of both?" he questioned, lacking only a spinning wheel and Adriana Xenides. "The same goes for Guerra going out of our back end. Is that Taylor Duryea or Matt Suckling?"

Unfortunately, with the game show gag thoroughly exhausted*, not even Clarkson could muster much in the way of excitement for tonight's contest.  "we will get some kind of gauge of where our guys are at compared to the other 17 clubs" he opined, before completely retracting everything he'd just said, "I think we lost three out of four games in the NAB last year, three of them by a point, but it's not an accurate gauge in terms of what happens in the main season."

"But winning is good form" he added, his strongest hint yet that he will actually attend the match.

*by his standards, not ours. If we even vaguely approach funny we're milking that cow until it flops.

Other news...

St. Kilda's Rhys Stanley has promised to "play his natural game" in 2014, which supporters hope is football, given the salary he is paid. Payback Records boss (and former Essendon footballer) Nathan Lovett-Murray raps to The Age about The Hird. 
Jack Riewoldt has been dumped from Richmond's leadership group, Caroline Wilson thinks it's a sign of deeper problems.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014: Enough of this shallow unity...

Well that was fun. For a few weeks my fellow Australians and I, even those despicable freaks who chose (I repeat...CHOSE) to support Carlton, shared a sense of unity, a common purpose. We had a new mortal enemy, an enemy dressed in red and white and drunk on the sort of smug confidence for which the English are famous. Little did they - or many of us for that matter - expect the pummeling that would befall them.

And though the 5-nil Ashes victory is nothing to be sneezed at, our cricketers would do well not to get too carried away. They are soon, unfairly in this correspondents opinion, to be relegated to the deeper realms of the sports section. Tonight, 138 days since Hawthorn saw off the famed purple swarm, football is back - and in a big way.

Tonight's Geelong V Collingwood encounter at Kardinia Park is the first game in a NAB Challenge series that will answer some pertinent questions. Questions like, why are we doing this? How do you win? Wait, IS there even a winner?

Preliminary questioning on the purpose of this pre-season competition proved fruitless, save for that weird guy in The Smother office who held us hostage for 45 minutes explaining the methodology he uses to develop his fantasy football 'squad'. Attempts to change the subject also proved fruitless. It was altogether a fruitless morning.

What we do know is that tonight, after a sweaty tram ride home and a microwave meal, I will be able to flick over to Fox Footy and watch some actual football. Regardless of the Mickey Mouse nature of the game itself, it will be lapped up with the kind of feverish demand often associated with explorers discovering an oasis in the desert (as opposed to anyone discovering Oasis in Dandenong, which - if it still exists - deserves no further mention).

So, well some interest is reserved for how Collingwood manage to fill the hole left by Dale Thomas and Heath Shaw, and whether Geelong has the young players to continue their dominance, nothing of substance will eventuate. What really matters is that this charade of unity associated with regaining the Ashes can be dropped, and this country (or this state at least) can get back to what's really important - division, frivolous division based on football teams who share stadiums and have little, if any, connection to the suburbs they're named after.

The Knock On Wood

It would be cruel to continually remind Carlton fans about their awful recruiting. So in that spirit, we will be closely following the fortunes of Cameron Wood, the ruckman who was delisted by Collingwood years ago before becoming a regular attendee of ruck contests in the VFL.
Mick Malthouse is nothing if not on-message. Sticking fast with the title of his recent tome 'The Ox Is Slow But The Earth Is Patient', he has signed one of the slowest oxen available. While we won't comment on whether this is this another example of Malthouse ingenuity (or a sign that that his famously quirky brain has conked out completely), The Smother will be following with interest.