Friday, March 21, 2014: A tired father feigning effort...

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Thursday night review

Geelong 119 defeated Adelaide 81

Say what you will about Adelaide. It seems that everyone, Patrick Dangerfield included, has stuck the boot into a club which has gone from within a kick of a Grand Final to a bottom 8 team in a few short months. The club did the impossible at the trade table, in a deal that saw it donate Kurt Tippett to the Swans and cop a fine for its generosity. Left completely bereft of draft picks, a forward line or even the faith of their own captain - at least the Crows have a sense of occasion.

Monday, March 17, 2014: Anyone holding their breath has long since dropped dead

"The top four have got every right to think it's between 11 and one, the rest of us ... I would say we're approaching 11 o'clock. There's a lot of sides approaching 11 o'clock. We want to be progressing through 11 o'clock into it. I don't see any reason why that can't be the case. We've got a very good blend of senior players and we've got a good blend in the middle."
Mick Malthouse, Saturday. 

"It's not a matter of whether we're in the window or not, it's a matter of making sure you win enough games of football. The last thing that'll be on our mind or any players' mind is where's the window?"
Mick Malthouse, Sunday

So that's that then, in only a few hours - and following a game in which they were run off their feet by Port Adelaide - Carlton's premiership clock/window is not so much expired as it is now irrelevant. The entire analogy, after forming the basis of his pre-match press conference, was disposed of with the disdain that Malthouse usually reserves for those he's speaking to (or at least a sandwhich-eating cameraman).

Friday, March 7, 2014: In a lot of newspapers in close proximity to the word 'allegedly'...

Some stories just keep in giving. We thought that the Jack Riewoldt media ban was one of those things footballers say in the heat of the moment before realising they looked quite silly just there and pretending like nothing ever happened. But alas, Jack is still not for turning on his media ban, all-but-running away from cameras at a charity appearance yesterday. It was hardly edifying, but then again, running away from cameras is still a whole lot classier than chasing them.

Thursday, March 6, 2014: This local eatery...

It's time that the AFL got serious about equalisation. Forget Eddie's tantrums and who paid how much for Lance Franklin, if we continue to allow our great game to be continually smeared by the scourge of crippling inequality, we'd best prepare ourselves for a dark, dark future. "Look at all the stats and Sydney is a lot more expensive to live than any other city" says economist and midfielder Kieran Jack, and he had evidence, hell, actual  anecdotal evidence, to back it up. “I certainly know how hard it is to live in Sydney, not if you’re an established player and you’re already earning OK money, it’s all right. But younger players coming in, they really struggle."

We agree with Jack, in truth, if we had one issue with the 9.8% allowance to help Sydney teams attract players to the harsh economic climate of the harbour city, it's that it didn't go far enough. There are other teams who are suffering, struggling to retain players in the face of ambitious raids by clubs fortunate enough to be surrounded by affordable housing. 

Geelong for example, where the cost of living is - according to some actual data we found - 15% cheaper than Melbourne, or St. Kilda and Hawthorn who have deviously relocated to suburban bases where $200,000 goes a lot further in the property market - safe in the knowledge that the league lacks the moral fortitude to adjust the salary cap accordingly. 

So, while you celebrate the abolition of the COLA and the apparent return to a level playing field, spare a thought for teams doing it tough. Teams like Collingwood, who are working in a rapidly gentrifying area where the cost of living has skyrocketed in recent years. After all, who would stay at Collingwood, Richmond or Melbourne when the price for food at this local eatery, for example, are so exorbitant. 

Equality means a level playing field, and it requires taking everything into consideration. Adelaide and Port Adelaide, where players benefit from a city that eschews frivolous excesses like any semblance of nightlife or the hopes of a job for their children, should not be competing on the same figure as Melbourne or Sydney clubs.

It is a debate that surely continue, but so long as The Smother isn't fired for a blatant lack of research and overwhelming bias, we'll continue to fight it...

In the news...

Carlton's Marc Murphy has signed am exciting 4-year deal with the Blues. "I just want to say how proud and humbled I am. It's extremely exciting" he said. 

Those wanting to fist-bump Dane Swan from interesting angles will be disappointed to here that he will never again have a full range of motion in his injured wrist. Despite this, he will play round one. 

Media ban be damned, Jack Riewoldt has been named for Richmond's practice match against Essendon at Punt Road, practice match team information is here. 

And finally, fans of Donnie Darko, Lantana and other films with confusing plots might enjoy the AFL's latest effort - the futuristic tale of a girl, an old man, and the 2013 Grand Final. 

Monday, March 3, 2014: At least on par with professional cycling....

So that's that, the inaugural NAB Challenge has been run and won... well, run at least, owing to the abandonment of the NAB Cup, there were no winners. But it happened, and that's got to stand for something.

According to some, who we haven't met but assume exist somewhere in the dark underbelly of AFL House, the 18 games in 18 days format was an unqualified success. Spreading football across the country with games in far-reaching places like Wagga Wagga, Ballarat and even in the sparse docklands of Melbourne is an admirable goal - and we think it's fair to say the event took on a life of its own, well, it at least looked that way from the filthy couches of Smother House.

Speaking of taking on a life its own, we have to spare a thought for Geelong captain Joel Selwood. Selwood was subbed out of the penultimate NAB Challenge match on Friday night after experiencing sentience in his hamstring. "Selwood experienced some awareness in his leg" Tweeted the club, leaving journalists to ask whether the leg was happy at Geelong and if, under the new free-agency agreements, the leg could sign a separate contract and nominate for the rookie draft.

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But that is all old news now, 11 days before the first (probably diagonal and recalled) bounce of 2014, the Biggest of Cheeses, Andrew Demetriou has announced that this will be his last season at the helm. The man who brought football to the Gold Coast and Blacktown, denied it to Tasmania and is currently engaged in a ferocious campaign to turn the game into a working example of communism will be sorely missed, according to fawning AFL Commission Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick.

"Andrew has been one of the most influential CEOs in our history" he told the waiting media, pointing to the establishment of an integrity unit as one of his crowning achievements. "Andrew has been the first in Australia sport - after the racing industry - to deliver an integrity unit" said Fitzpatrick, suggesting the league was now, in terms of integrity, at least on par with professional cycling. 

Credit should also go to metal health advocate Jeff Kennett, waiting 2 torturous hours after the announcement to get himself in the papers. "I hope Mike Fitzpatrick is also resigning because the AFL commission has been far from active, far from good at upholding good governance and the AFL commission has accepted no responsibility itself for the failing of the code over the last three years" he barked at Fairfax radio.

Still, it would be unfair of us not to give the last word in The Monday Smother to the AFL's CEO of the decade, and certainly the greatest we've seen since Wayne Jackson. "I didn't inject anyone ... it had had no impact on me" said Demetriou of the Essendon scandal, leaving us to wonder whether the league was a little harsh on James Hird. 


In the news...
In the weekends results, Collingwood overcame a 41 point half-time deficit to defeat the Suns by 14 points at Metricon, while the Giants smashed the Saints on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga and Friday night saw the Cats defeat Melbourne by 13.

Meanwhile the ASADA investigation continues to leak like a sieve, with News Limited spending the weekend naming and shaming Essendon players who are under investigation. We have joined Fairfax in choosing not to name the players, our concerns not being the breach of privacy but the refusal of our own Big Cheese to buy us an online subscription to the Herald Sun.

Friday, February 14, 2014: Don't break the teacup

It was a scene reminiscent of the latter episodes of Breaking Bad. Gary March and Damien Hardwick emerging from a cloud of smoke, holding a broken teacup and draped in matching yellow and black Hazmat suits.

That teacup was the very same that only a few days ago had held the storm about the omission of a certain Full Forward from the club's leadership group. A teacup that that certain Full Forward who used to be in Richmond's leadership group (FFWUTBIRLG) had inexplicably smashed, taking a relatively minor news story and splashing it recklessly across every back page in the Melbourne metro area.

We, for one, feel bad for the FFWUTBIRLG. So incensed was FFWUTBIRLG at the coverage of his demotion that he struck back, banning himself from any media appearances. Why the media ban strategy, which thus far has ensured blanket coverage of FFWUTBIRLG across every conceivable form of media, was chosen (in preference to the perhaps more sensible strategy of shutting up and letting the story blow over) is unclear, the aforementioned media ban precluding any further enquiries.

Still, it survives as a pertinent reminder to footballers heading into the new season. Don't break the teacup, don't EVER break the teacup.
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Speaking of breaking things, full points to the AFL for attempting to break the (at least slightly self-inflicted) assumption that multiculturalism was something that happened entirely separately from white people. Naming Jobe Watson as a multicultural ambassador was a welcome move, not that we can say it any better than Nic Natanui - "There's always a token black guy... now there's a token white guy".

On matters pertaining to the actual kicking of the red thing, we feel it would behoove us to remind Hawthorn that no-one likes a show-off. Already Premiers and facing a Brisbane side who were as recognisable as the cast in those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise, Hawthorn Harlem Globetrotted there way to a 131 point victory. It was almost as hard to watch as those last attempts to revive the American Pie franchise.

It is worth remembering that in one of the most of striking examples of peaking too early in recent memory, Brisbane won the pre-season competition last year before falling in a heap. "In six weeks weeks time, you won't know it happened" said Justin Leppitsch, indicating either that up north hope springs eternal, or that worse is yet to come. 

In the news....
Richmond and Melbourne will clash tonight at Docklands Superdome to decide once and for all just who will win that.
World renowned laid-back nice guy Nathan Buckley has praised the umpires after Wednesday nights NAB Challenge opener.
In what is shaping as the League's first 'show and tell' after the recruiting season, Dale Thomas and Nick Dal Santo will debut for their respective teams in Ballarat tomorrow night.
Jobe Watson has issued a timely reminder that Essendon will indeed be entering the AFL this season. "What (interim coach Mark Thompson) has said is 2014 is not a transition period", he said, "he is not going to allow it to be a wasted season."