Friday, April 4 2014: A large incidence of no-shows...

If this blog were governed by the AFL, today's edition would be an A-Reserve fully-ticketed laugh out loud event. It's that good, even if we say so ourselves.

With the comedy festival kicking off in Melbourne, it seems everyone in this town has the taste for a good giggle. Even our usually erroneous and scarcely humorous missives have enjoyed a bump in popularity on the back of the event, so much so that on Monday we even engaged in a process called editing. Usually employed by professionals, editing - so far as we've experienced - involved reading something you've already written, deciding it was rubbish and starting over.

In Monday's case, we had prepared a humorous and insightful piece that suggested perhaps the lack of people turning up to AFL games was not as much the fault of the AFL as it was the fault of the people who weren't going. It even featured a joke about Demetriou, even at his most horizontal point, only being able to fill 3-4 seats - which we thought was OK. On further reflection, we decided that it was neither humorous nor insightful and rubbished the whole idea, hastily assembling the piece you probably didn't read on Monday.

Perhaps, if we'd known then what we know now, we wouldn't have been so quick on the backspace. It was faces the hue of radishes that we listened to Andrew Demetriou blame the lack of people attending games not on himself, but instead on the people who didn't go. "There's always been a large incidence of no-shows; I mean people who buy a reserved seat for the whole year might go on average to six games a year, and that's an issue" he told baffled reporters.

And he didn't stop there, blaming "the price of food and beverage, the price of car parking on game day, absolutely, things like ticketing charges" and pretty much everyone in the world who's name isn't Andrew Demetriou. But he does have a solution. "That's all the more reason why we want to own our own stadium, to control those prices. They are a severe imposition on families when you add those things."

Of course, the real sticking point in the AFL taking over the Docklands stadium is the price. Perhaps it been classified an A-Reserve Stadium....?

In the news....
In a debate that occurs with such dependable frequency that one could set their watch to it, the bump is back on the agenda. Sam Newman's diatribe on The Footy Show (which we seem to remember was funny a few years back) has lead to a petition for some kind of Presidential pardon for Nat Fyfe or something. We predict that nothing will happen and we'll do the whole thing again in 2015.

The Bombers have banned defender Court-e-neigh Dempsey indefinitely after he failed to live up to the standards of a club which spent the majority of last year under investigation by the AFL, ASADA and the Crime Commission.

Carlton ruckman Matthew Kreuzer will miss three months with a foot injury, adding to the pain an already undermanned list of talls of Carlton. Could the door be ajar for Cameron Wood? Probably not.

Ok, ok - that's all The Smother we've got for this Friday. Teams are here so go back and do your Supercoach (pro tip: even coming in the top 100 won't get your girlfriend back).

Thursday, April 3, 2014: Things that look easy but are actually quite difficult...

Gillon in the name of....

When Andrew Demetriou retires at the end of 2014, he will take a lot of valuable experience with him. You can't work in such a tough position for so many years without learning a thing or two about running a sport and avoiding PR disasters. These are things young Gil would do well to brush up on if he is serious about his tilt to engineer a seamless transition of the keys to AFL house from Demetriou to himself.

Thursday, March 13, 2014: A Korean style state-run media at your disposal

There is an unspoken rule in business that one should never attack their competitors, publicly at least. For example, if one of your business rivals has a particularly sour week in sales, it would be inappropriate to come out and gloat. Truth be told, the safest option is to either keep your mouth shut, or continue to talk up your own wares.

Sometimes, though, it can feel like the whole world hasn't noticed just how badly your opponent is faring. In those situations, it can be tempting to stoke the fire a little bit. It requires a deft touch, the subtle art of surreptitiously guiding an audience toward the conversation you want them to have, without saying anything at all.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014: Purchasing as many petards as they could carry....

With the league's pre-season cheese convention well and truly underway, the suited ones have headed west to Adelaide to argue about money. Chunks of cheese have dominated The Smother this week, and the unfettered cheddar discussion has continued with the revelation that outgoing AFL CEO Andrew Demetriou took home $3.8m for his efforts in 2013.

Although the figure is inflated by a $2m performance payment which was earned over previous years - presumably for achieving goals like not taking a six week mid-season jaunt around Europe - there are many within AFL land who think the fee to be somewhat excessive. On this we agree, but that may be a case of sour grapes given that negotiations with our own Big Cheese, the CEO at Smother Enterprises, fell well short of expectations. We are pleased with the decision not to fire us, but we continue to oppose the Eddie McGuire style public lashings that the boss has instituted. Our opposition, however, only seems to increase the intensity of the whippings. Truth be told, we're not real good at helping ourselves.

Speaking of which, with Sydney set to lose their controversial cost-of-living-allowance (COLA), we wonder if they too have been hoisted by their own petard. While, perhaps not so much as hoisted by their own petard, rather purchasing as many petards as they could carry, delivering them personally to Eddie McGuire and telling him to do with them as he wished. With the COLA argument heating up, common wisdom might have suggested keeping their heads down and avoiding anything that might serve as a flash-point in the argument. Something like, you know, signing the league's biggest player to a multi-millon dollar ten-year deal.

Instead, the Swans made a substantial donation to the armaments of the very men who were campaigning to have the COLA abolished, and in the end it has proved too much for the league to ignore. Although Demetriou denies that Buddy influenced the decision to remove the allowance, he also denied having any regrets about the way he handled the ASADA saga....

In the news...
The 18 AFL Captains gathered at the redeveloped Adelaide Oval today, and they wasted no time in coming out swinging against the Herald Sun. "As leaders of the playing group, we think it's appropriate to stand up, and lend our voice and influence, in condemning the mistreatment of vulnerable players. That's our responsibility" said the captain of the captains, Matthew Pavlich.

The AFL also took the opportunity to do some market research on the skippers, revealing that Hawthorn, Sydney and Fremantle are Premiership favourites among the admittedly niche market of AFL Captains. They also chose Scott Pendlebury for the Brownlow, Travis Cloke and Josh Kennedy to share the Coleman and Jack Martin as Rising Star.  

While it's small change for Demetriou, Carlton's Marc Murphy is close to re-signing with the Blues on a 4 year, $700,000-a-season deal.

And finally, Geelong's George Burberry has celebrated returning to training - after having his jaw broken in the pre-season - by donning a rather fitting bright pink cap.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014: Replacing the tribunal with a system of public floggings committed in city square

Oh, Eddie, where would this column be without you? The whiteboard here at Smother House has been completely barren, save for the crudely constructed illustrations of phalli from various angles, and we'd all but given up hope of producing anything with a mere resemblance to a meaningful dissertation before that highly anticipated first wonky bounce of the 2014 season. But there you were, Eddie, on a high-horse that is becoming so high we're beginning to doubt that even you will be able to dismount safely.

"The next team that cheats and the next administration that does it, they should be be put in the city square and flogged" said the typically calm McGuire, "it's time for them to actually kick into the competition and for a few clubs pull their head in and stop cheating and burning the competition to the ground every other year." 

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Big Ed's relentless diatribe against the unnamed rogues who threaten an apocalyptic derailment of all that is pure was not the sole item on today's football agenda. With over 24 hours having transpired since the shock resignation of Big Cheese Andrew Demetriou, attention has turned to the future of large cheeses - the next CEO of the AFL. Rapidly expanding cheese Gillon McLachlin is almost certain to take the job, but with the Herald Sun needing to sell newspapers and the AFL keen to show it's probity in these matters, we can expect a myriad of names, sensible and otherwise, to be thrown forward in the coming months.

Hence, as we enter our second calendar month of existence, we're proud to announce the newest segment to join the Smother ranks, a thorough analysis of the range of cheddar trying to get it's parmes-on the the biggest office in the land.

Gillion In the Name Of...
Given his desire to replace the tribunal with a system of public floggings committed in city square, a McGuire push for the top job - a job in which he would theoretically be able to put his Dickensian plans into action - seemed a mere formality. Unless, of course, you remember just how important Collingwood is. "It's bad enough having to fund them, without having to run it" said McGuire of a potential demotion to the AFL job.

This leaves Channel 9's Jeff Browne, AFL Commissioner Paul Bassatt, Geelong CEO Brian Cook, West Coast CEO Trevor Nisbett and MCC guru Stephen Gough as likely competitors in the AFL's selection process, a process that is absurd according to Kangaroos' boss James Brayshaw. "When you've got such a high-quality candidate sitting there, why would you bother with any of that. Just appoint him." said Brayshaw, perhaps unawares of the fate of other high-quality candidates like Stephen Dank. 

So even though the job is Gillon's to lose, we'll be keeping a keen eye on the process the league uses to select him. After all, we mustn't become too distracted by those angry young men running around on a patch of grass and forget what this game is really about - men in suits arguing about money. 

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In the news...
Far from tempering expectations for the upcoming season, Gold Coast's Dion Prestia has declared his nascent group of roustabouts near certainties to win the 2014 flag. "There's a lot of boys who have played over 50 games now and there'll be a few more this year. We're not going to have any excuses any more," he crowed. "We expect to win every game we go into. Our first few years we'd think 'we're playing a top-four team, we're probably not going to win', but we can match it with anyone I reckon."

Port Adelaide's Andrew Moore has supported hair testing of players for drugs, which can pick up any usage in the last three months. "Obviously in the off season guys will go away, do their own thing but it's important that they realise what career they have." he said in an attempt to end the career of several of the AFL's biggest names. Port's Irish recruit Daniel Flynn has headed home to deal with homesickness and a terminally-ill grandfather. 

The Match Review Panel has issued its findings on the NAB Challenge, with Scott Selwood fined $900 for inappropriate-pushing-of-a-player-into-an-umpire, Ryan O'Keefe can accept 93.75 points for striking Selwood. Billy Smedts can also accept 93.75 points for inappropriate-Toumpas-touching.
In further bad news for the Saints, Lenny Hayes has been given a week for striking Stephen Congilio and Maverick Weller has also copped a week for Tomas Buggery.

Despite St. Kilda now missing many of it's few stars for the round one grudge match with Melbourne, Matt Finnis has accepted the job of CEO at St. Kilda. His first act in the role will presumably to contact Clive Palmer about any spare seats on his Titanic. 

Joel Selwood, who is suffering from 'awareness' in his leg, has revealed his issues with sentient body parts might have spread. "I've got to listen to my body right now and make sure that I am right", he said, although he is confident of playing round one. 

Monday, March 3, 2014: At least on par with professional cycling....

So that's that, the inaugural NAB Challenge has been run and won... well, run at least, owing to the abandonment of the NAB Cup, there were no winners. But it happened, and that's got to stand for something.

According to some, who we haven't met but assume exist somewhere in the dark underbelly of AFL House, the 18 games in 18 days format was an unqualified success. Spreading football across the country with games in far-reaching places like Wagga Wagga, Ballarat and even in the sparse docklands of Melbourne is an admirable goal - and we think it's fair to say the event took on a life of its own, well, it at least looked that way from the filthy couches of Smother House.

Speaking of taking on a life its own, we have to spare a thought for Geelong captain Joel Selwood. Selwood was subbed out of the penultimate NAB Challenge match on Friday night after experiencing sentience in his hamstring. "Selwood experienced some awareness in his leg" Tweeted the club, leaving journalists to ask whether the leg was happy at Geelong and if, under the new free-agency agreements, the leg could sign a separate contract and nominate for the rookie draft.

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But that is all old news now, 11 days before the first (probably diagonal and recalled) bounce of 2014, the Biggest of Cheeses, Andrew Demetriou has announced that this will be his last season at the helm. The man who brought football to the Gold Coast and Blacktown, denied it to Tasmania and is currently engaged in a ferocious campaign to turn the game into a working example of communism will be sorely missed, according to fawning AFL Commission Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick.

"Andrew has been one of the most influential CEOs in our history" he told the waiting media, pointing to the establishment of an integrity unit as one of his crowning achievements. "Andrew has been the first in Australia sport - after the racing industry - to deliver an integrity unit" said Fitzpatrick, suggesting the league was now, in terms of integrity, at least on par with professional cycling. 

Credit should also go to metal health advocate Jeff Kennett, waiting 2 torturous hours after the announcement to get himself in the papers. "I hope Mike Fitzpatrick is also resigning because the AFL commission has been far from active, far from good at upholding good governance and the AFL commission has accepted no responsibility itself for the failing of the code over the last three years" he barked at Fairfax radio.

Still, it would be unfair of us not to give the last word in The Monday Smother to the AFL's CEO of the decade, and certainly the greatest we've seen since Wayne Jackson. "I didn't inject anyone ... it had had no impact on me" said Demetriou of the Essendon scandal, leaving us to wonder whether the league was a little harsh on James Hird. 


In the news...
In the weekends results, Collingwood overcame a 41 point half-time deficit to defeat the Suns by 14 points at Metricon, while the Giants smashed the Saints on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga and Friday night saw the Cats defeat Melbourne by 13.

Meanwhile the ASADA investigation continues to leak like a sieve, with News Limited spending the weekend naming and shaming Essendon players who are under investigation. We have joined Fairfax in choosing not to name the players, our concerns not being the breach of privacy but the refusal of our own Big Cheese to buy us an online subscription to the Herald Sun.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014: Toxic clouds...

The good folk of Morwell are going through some tough times at the moment. The open-cut mine that supplies their power station is on fire, billowing tons of potentially toxic gases into the atmosphere, causing understandable anxiety and illness among the locals. Victoria's emergency services are doing their best to contain the situation and limit the damage, and we here at Smother House think it would behoove Andrew Demetriou to keep a keen eye on that response ahead of his own potentially toxic explosion. 

With the announcement of the leagues new equalisation measures set for tomorrow, we have set the threat level to Extreme and are about to take shelter in our hastily constructed and ill-ventilated bunker. This is the first ever activation of The Smother Public Emergency Warning System (SPEWS). 

SPEWS advises that the highly caustic Edward McGuire is predicted to hit dangerous levels in the coming days. Ember attacks are expected, with the likelihood of a full scale explosion that will send a stream of capitalistic rage high over metropolitan Melbourne, toppling the trestle tables of the Socialist Alliance and flattening most of Brunswick, Fitzroy and Northcote. Take shelter, it is already too late to leave.... 

Poor Eddie. Just like Tony Abbott's cavalier fight against the commie scam that was the carbon tax, Eddie is all lined-up to fight the league's Luxury Tax, a tax that will see Collingwood unable to continually purchase top of the line equipment and therefore hurt jobs and the football economy. While Demetriou never said there would never be a luxury tax under a Government he leads, we can expect no less hostility from McGuire than we got from Abbott. 

For what it's worth, we support Eddie. Why should Collingwood have to give any of the millions it takes in from suburban pokie venues to help the Western Bulldogs buy the occasional football to practice with? We've got our 'Axe The Tax' signs, our fluro vests and we're ready to join the campaign trail... as soon as this toxic cloud clears up...

In the news...

Essendon coach Mark Thompson is full of love for his new signing Paul Chapman - "He didn't know what was going on for a while there did he, Chappy.... I could see him just running around in circles, he didn't know what to do. Couldn't get the ball. When it came to him he even fumbled which I'd never seen him do"

Port Adelaide knocked off Essendon in last night's NAB Challenge match, played in front of 127 enthusiastic supporters. Jay Schulz hurt an ankle and Essendon's Michael Hibberd injured a hamstring, though both are expected to play in round one. 

A crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters is also expected to gather for tonight's grudge match between Fremantle and the Western Bulldogs at the Superdome, and Lance Moneyball Franklin will debut for Sydney tomorrow night against West Coast in Blacktown. 

Bad news at North Melbourne with forward Taylor Garner injuring a hamstring. "We expect that he'll be able to resume full training within four weeks" said Football Director Geoff Walsh.

Brenton Sanderson has revealed part of the Crows secret plan to be more competitive, announcing that they plan to sign better players. "We'll certainly look at players who immediately make us better" he said while declaring the club's interest in Bryce Gibbs. 

Tuesday, February 25, 2014: There never was a story of more woe...

"For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Essendon and Demetriou."

Without the family disputes and steady stream of murders, Romeo and Juliet would be a rather mundane tale of two people who met at a party, fell in love and then both died in a tragic case of miscommunication. It is the adversity and struggle, the against the odds nature of their love that makes the story so revered. 

Which is why we were so excited yesterday to see Bruce Reid, Paul Little and Xavier Campbell shaking hands with Andrew Demetriou and his Monatguean deputy Gillon McLachlan on a tour of Essendon's new training facility. Based in Tullamarine, close to Melbourne airport, the new facility was the perfect opportunity to reconcile an Essendon/AFL relationship which has endured more than it's fair share of turbulence - and, in a renewed spirit of re-building, both parties are prepared to put the past behind them. 

"We have to have a strong relationship with the AFL. 2013 was an average year for the relationship. We are about trying to rebuild with them and rebuild in many ways." said Little adoringly, stopping short of apologising for all but challenging Demetriou to pistols at dawn in 2013. For his part, Demetriou has embraced the spirit of forgiveness that encapsulated the giant shed near the airport - "I think the club is genuinely wanting to move forward, as are we." he fawned. 


In the news...

It may have only been a pretend derby, but the ramifications are very real for West Coast defender Patrick McGinnity who will serve a one week ban for rough conduct. Timmy Sumner from the Gold Coast can accept a reprimand, while St. Kilda's David Armitage is contesting a $2600 for inappropriate umpire-touching.

The people's Mullet, Ivan Maric, will miss six to eight weeks with an ankle-twang. "He’s been able to train with it in the last couple of weeks, but he hasn’t been 100 per cent comfortable" said Richmond performance manager Peter Burge.

AFL footy boss Mark Evans will be given more power in the most recent tweaks to the Match Review Panel. The AFL has also promised more clarity on the definition of reckless, negligent and intentional, which will be unlikely to come from a Dictionary. 

Last night's Fox Footy Dale Thomas Live Documentary was occasionally interrupted by a NAB Challenge match which was won by the Crows. Dale Thomas was mentioned just short of 19,000 times in the 3 hour broadcast, including our personal highlight - a soppy montage of Thomas hugging new-and-former coach Mick Malthouse.

The award for pre-season honesty, however, was won by Malthouse - "I said to the players before the game, if we win we will tick it, if we lose I will make an excuse to the media" he told the waiting journalists, before returning to talking about Dale Thomas. 


The Knock On Wood

Although he was largely obscured by the constant rolling coverage of everything Dale Thomas did, our man Cameron Wood racked up another 80 Supercoach points last night. Although he is perhaps a candidate for the Justin Madden Centre For Tall People Who Can't Run Good, he may perhaps buck the trend and play AFL football this year.

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