Thursday, July 31, 2014: Perfectly good advertising space going to waste

They want you back. The AFL, under the guidance of Gil, has launched a campaign to drag supporters back to the game. Yes, after a season of dismal crowds, it would appear there is no aphrodisiac like a freezing cold Sunday night in an empty stand for a Collingwood Carlton game, and Gil wants the people back.

The early ideas are promising - less Sunday night and Sundya twilight games, a push for Melbourne clubs to sign members who will actually turn up etc. However one suspects Mark Evans might have been involved in the idea to hold an annual telethon for cheap tickets, and to establish a 'WebJet' type service for centralised bookings (probably with its own sets of fees and charges to add to Ticketmaster's.

The worst part is the continued focus on Matchday Experience - which to those who actually like football means loud things yelling at you every time there is a break in play for any reason. For what it's worth, when I was a kid at Waverley Park, the sepia toned replays of highlights were more than enough entertainment for me. But I suppose that's perfectly good advertising space going to waste.

In the news...
Port Adelaide are in hot-water after one of their sponsors used a rather distasteful term for supporters of Adelaide Crows. The AFL and Port Adelaide have condemned the language, although the deal remains in place.

In better news on that topic, Brendan Goddard has supported the call for a Pride Round. "We want to create a place not only here at Essendon but at the footy where everyone is welcome and equal" said Goddard.

THERE's a game tonight. Teams are here.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014: Killing it at Diamond Valley

For a team without any semblance of a forward line, Collingwood are actually doing okay. Sure the newspapers are taking every opportunity to run hundreds of words on the problems; the lack of scoring, the increasing scores against, the general hopelessness that has gripped the club, but that ignores the fact that we've been competitive without any semblance of a forward line.

We're not alone. Richmond are in the same boat, Vickery was a necessary evil in a dysfunctional forward line. Melbourne have lacked a midfield for years, Brisbane have just lost their only forward, Carlton are pretty much terrible all over the field. That's why we support Nathan Buckley's proposal for a mid-season draft - a chance for clubs hit by injury or general poorness to top up their stocks with players from outside the AFL.

"You've got blokes who are killing it at Diamond Valley or in the SANFL, or in the WAFL and they might have just missed out on being drafted or a rookie-listed player, but they've had a really great start to the season" said Buckley, struggling to deal with a mess of injuries to key defenders leaving him to play players who should probably be in Diamond Valley. In fact, we want it to go another step and allow trading. For example, Collingwood could trade Clinton Young back to the suburban obscurity he deserves.

In the news...
Tyrone Vickery has been handed a four-game ban for clobbering Dean Cox on the weekend. He has accepted the ban and will be available for the Tigers last game of the season, which will hopefully be a playoff four ninth.

Shannon Byrnes, the dual Premiership player at Geelong now at the Demons, has announced his retirement due to injury. The 30-year-old played 131 games.

Crows midfielder David Mackay has signed a four-year deal with the Crows. "All the ingredients are here for something special and I want to be a part of it" said Mackay.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014: Garry might have been in hibernation...

Free Agency has to go, at least according to whichever Scott it is who is coaching Geelong.

Responding to a question regarding James Frawley at his weekly press conference, Scott took the chance to get on his soapbox regarding free agency - specifically the way in which it apparently flies in the face of the league's apparent commitment to equalisation. "I don't think there are many people, maybe other than some of the players, that like free agency" he said, "the easiest solution is to abolish free agency."

But it wasn't just the players who rankled Scott, who when asked about Garry Lyon's remark that the Dees should respond to any attempt to lure Frawley with their own offer to Steven Motlop. "Garry might have been in hibernation for the last four or five years, but Geelong has been attacked pretty hard. Not just at the player level, but with its coaches, its administrators, with its chef at one point".

With the Masterchef final concluding last night, perhaps the clubs could do to re-sign their chefs sooner rather than later.  

In the news...
Tyrone Vickery will face the tribunal tonight after the MRP deemed his punch too grievous for their points system. The incident received nine activation points, the level at which the MRP washes its hands of the whole situation.

Gary Ablett will take on a coaching role with the Suns for the rest of 2014 while he recovers from that shoulder injury. "He just didn't feel right on the weekend" said Suns coach Guy McKenna.

Hawks assistant Luke Beveridge has been poached by the Saints. The 43-year-old will take over as the Saints director of coaching in 2015.

Monday, July 28, 2014: Tyrone-asaurus Wrecks

Few players in the league draw rankle their own supporters quite like Tyrone Vickery. Richmond fans largely treat Vickery with the kind of attitude usually reserved for tax returns; a necessary evil that might pay off one day. Few of them will be sad to see him face an inevitable suspension for clocking Dean Cox on the weekend, but that's not to say the incident wasn't controversial.

Vickery's Sunday apology to Cox, whom he left to be carried from Paterson's Stadium at the weekend was accepted by the retiring big-man, although Cox added that the pair were not the best of mates. Adding fuel to an already raging fire were the Eagles fans, one of whom had a heated exchange with Vickery as he headed to bench.

Here at The Smother we can understand the anger of the Eagles supporters, especially given they were seated in a stadium without cup holders. It is, however, a cause for concern for footballers that irate fans can get so close to the action. Given the esteem in which he is held, one does worry what might have happened had that been a Richmond fan.

In the news...
Patrick Dangerfield has been cleared of any serious damage to his knee after appearing to injure it in the dying minutes of Sunday's night clash with Collingwood.

The rest of the news seems to be about Collingwood being, well, bad. At least it's not ASADA, I guess.

Friday, July 25, 2014: Good heavens, Mark Evans...

Good heavens, Mark Evans. The League's chief tinkerer, who presumably works in a high security laboratory deep underneath AFL House, has appeared with another absurd way to further complicate the game with ultimately useless technology; and this time it's a real doozy.

Teaming up with Victoria University to chase the kind of dream one can only really come up with after too much caffeine and a serious case of relevance deprevation, Evans today announced his latest project - smart balls. "First of all, the chip would be something that could triangulate off players GPS units to give an exact location of the ball at any given time" Evans told an AFL reporter who was presumably hitting himself in the head with the nearest blunt object.

"There are a lot of things you could do with that" he lied, "it could aid graphical images of play, heat maps and things like that. Other than coaching and media processes, it could also be used for things like score reviews".

It's a very high-tech way of saying that Evans has solved another problem that doesn't exist. After all, to get an exact position of the ball, one could simply watch the game. For coaching and media purposes, to see where the ball goes, one could also watch the game. For score reviews, for heavens sake, let's keep doing what we've done for 100 years and pay a bloke to watch the game.

In the news...
In suit news, former Collingwood and Carlton CEO Greg Swann has swanned his way to Brisbane where he will take over as the Lions CEO. "We were unanimous in that decision" said the Lions. While, at St. Kilda, list manager Ameet Bains has been promoted to Chief Operating Officer.

Buddy Franklin has parted ways with manager Liam Pickering, opting for a Sydney-based celebrity management company. Though Pickering refused to comment, we speculate that the lack of front-page coverage since he crashed his car on North Head Road might have contributed.

Teams are here, you filthy Supercoach addicts.

Thursday, July 24, 2014: Off-field defense...

A lot has been said about Melbourne under Paul Roos. Perhaps the most sighted area of improvement has been their defense, the team is now able to stay in games for longer - setting them up for potential victories in close finishes. The demons on-field defense has seriously lifted in 2014.

It is off the field, though, that Melbourne's defense is apparently rather lapse. It may not be costing them Premierships, but it has cost them numerous flags, namely the several Premiership flags that went missing while under the care of the MCC. The missing flags emerged this week when a Moama man was so confident in his ability to elude the Demons that he put the 1948 Premiership flag up on eBay - only to have his house raided and the flag confiscated by Police.

Melbourne are not the only club in this position. Carlton's 1970 and 1972 flags were also stolen, returned years later via Eddie McGuire (with Carlton involved, one can only assume this was a strategy to minimise Capital Gains Tax, but I digress).

Hopefully this event is the trigger Melbourne needs. After all, when you look so far from another Premiership - it's probably wise to look after the ones you have.

In the news...
James Hird is back and the circus is in Toorak to get more footage of him walking near his house. Surely stock footage of the last hundred times would suffice?

Collingwood draftee Matt Scharenberg will play his first Collingwood VLF game this weekend after recovering from injury.

St. Kilda ruckman Tom Hickey will miss the rest of the season. Knee tendinitis will see the 23-year-old's season end early, after struggling to jump for the last two weeks.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014: Each seat will have a cup-holder...

What is left to be said about the new Adelaide Oval. Without doubt the greatest structure in the history of humanity, leaving the Pyramids and the Eiffel Tower as mere reminders of the days before we had an Adelaide Oval. The sheer power of the stadium is so great that it has transcended sport itself, with thousands turning out each week without the slightest interest in football - they just want to be inside. Without a doubt, in a year that has been troubling for the league, the success of this modern day wonder of the world has been a saving grace. The question now is whether or not the football administration can do it again.

Yes, WA State Premier Campbell Newman has unveiled the plans for an $820m, five-tiered 60,000 seater to be built in Perth. Fremantle and West Coast are hoping that the new stadium will be ready for round 1, 2018, and it's list of features are rather impressive. 85% undercover seating, 70 food and beverage outlets, 4G wireless coverage and two of the largest video screens in Australia.

The stadium, provided negotiations between the AFL, WAFL and the Government are successful, will no doubt be celebrated as the best stadium since the Adelaide Oval - bettering it with one feature that no sports fan should have ever had to live without: Each seat will have a cupholder.

In the news...
Probably-soon-to-be-ex-Richmond-coach Damien Hardwick has supported James Brayshaw in his call for a 20 game season. "I don't think there's a sport as harsh and gruelling as ours" he said, preparing for a trip to Perth before playing out a mediocre season with no chance of any success.

Carlton have continued a long tradition of eschewing any development of their own in favour of poaching from other clubs by recruiting former Adelaide executive Steven Trigg. "The pure logic of joining a great club in the form of Carlton", he joked, "I just couldn't get it out of my head."  

And finally, Mitch Robinson has accepted his two match sanction for flattening Leigh Adams who himself accepted a reprimand for striking.

Monday, July 21, 2014: Inexplicable...

Inexplicable. For a few confounding hours on Saturday afternoon, Fremantle entirely forgot how to play football, while St. Kilda forgot they were a team lacking any leadership or direction. It was a massacre, a David and Goliath slaying we haven't seen since GWS over Sydney in round one. Perhaps, it was an anomaly. After all, it was a very strange weekend.

Carlton forgot their awful season and ran rampant over finals aspirants in North Melbourne. GWS nearly followed St. Kilda's upset win with one of their own. Sunday saw both Melbourne and the Bulldogs come agonisingly close to astonishing upsets. On a weekend scheduled to be one to forget, we saw 3 stunning finishes, and two comfortable upset wins.

What does this mean? It's hard to say. Surely, for at least some of Fremantle, Port Adelaide, Geelong and North Melbourne, this was a temporary lapse, induced perhaps by the proximity of a week off. For others, it could signify an inevitable tailing off, the gas running out of tank this close to September. For the fans, it's a reminder that in this league, at this time, nothing is safe. Even the lowly teams are capable of great surprises.


The Monday Wrap
Friday:
Carlton 109 defeated North Melbourne 86
Saturday:
St. Kilda 118 defeated Fremantle 60
Geelong 94 defeated GWS 87
Sunday:
Port Adelaide 72 defeated Melbourne 69
Essendon 101 defeated Western Bulldogs 94

Ladder:
Sydney* - 52 - 143.51%
Geelong - 52 - 112.12%
Hawthorn* - 48 - 139.92%
Fremantle - 48 - 133.16%
Port Adelaide - 48 - 132.36%
North Melbourne - 40 - 112.49%
Essendon - 40 - 109.83%
Collingwood* - 36 - 106.61%
Gold Coast* - 36 - 99.45%
Adelaide* - 32 - 108.38%
West Coast* - 28 - 108.21%
Richmond* - 24 - 100.14%
Carlton - 24 - 91.48%
Western Bulldogs - 24 - 85.45%
GWS - 16 - 73.50%
Melbourne - 16 - 72.98%
Brisbane* - 16 - 63.60%
St. Kilda - 16 - 61.55%

In the news...
Tomorrow night at Geelong, Williamstown and West Perth will battle for the Foxtel Cup. In front of a predicted crowd of 14, the match should serve as a pertinent reminder that this event has failed to attract even a modicum of attention. It could have been so good.

The Lions appear to have found a remedy for the severe bout of homesickness which decimated their playing stocks in the off-season. Rohan Bewick and Nick Robertson have both re-signed with the club.

And MRP news is in - Mitch Robinson has been offered two weeks, and Leigh Adams 70 points for various indiscretions during the half-round.

Friday, July 18, 2014: We love Bob...

Long live the veterans. That is the message from the week, after Boomer Harvey signed on for what must be his seventieth year of senior football, and Bulldog Bob Murphy joined him in playing on well in to old age.

While Mick Malthouse may rally against these pensioners potentially tarnishing their reputations, we love it. Another year of Dustin Fletcher's gangling frame surrounding forwards like an octopus? Sign us up! Another year of Boomer and Ryan Crowley resuming their tense relationship? Yep! Another hundred years of Bob Murphy proving himself as one of the rare footballers who is also an erudite Fairfax columnists - we're in!

What is often ignored in the debate over when to hang up the boots is that often, competition is not simply against the enemy on the field. Sometimes it's a battle with a weary mind or broken body, and watching an athlete push to get the absolute last inch out of themselves can be just as great to watch as those in their prime.

We love Bob Murphy, and even a year spent battling in the twos wouldn't tarnish a well-earned reputation as a silky and gutsy superstar.

In the news...

There is still no clarity on whether James Hird will return to the box for the final round of the season. While his suspension will have expired by then, some contend it could be a distraction for his finals-bound Bombers.

Allen Christensen has been withdrawn from Geelong's 10 goal win over GWS on Saturday night. Apparently he has a flu, though we suspect it was general lack of interest in visiting Parramatta.

And in exciting news concerning men in suits arguing about money, Lord Gil has defended the agreement between Adelaide Oval and its tenant clubs, despite predictions it could sent Port Adelaide broke: "It's good business" he said.

But you don't care, teams are here. Go do Supercoach now.

Thursday, July 17, 2014: Priding ourselves on having cool heads....

Today marks the 100th edition of the Smother, and while we were disappointed with the lack of frivolity and fanfare, we certainly didn't come away empty handed. 

Yes, although the banner we requested didn't eventuate, a Smother favourite remembered the occasion and delivered a press conference that was a gift to any satirical football writer. No, it wasn't Brendan Fevola making a come-back, James Hird having cosmetic ear surgery or Brian Taylor coming out of the closet, but it was damn close - Mick Malthouse taking the opportunity to apologise for his attitude toward the media. 

"My media conferences haven't been picture perfect, and I'm the first to say that" said Mick Malthouse, who was far from the first to say that, before becoming sentimental: "But it's not by design to hurt anyone. It's to finish it as quick as I can and do what I probably do best – that's to have dialogue with players and coaches. I'm probably opening up my soul a bit here. I find it very, very difficult to talk publicly, and I've been doing it for 30 years"

Of course, it would be unlike Mick not to finish with a touch of comedy:

"I pride myself on having a cool head with directives to my playing group under all circumstances"

Thanks to everyone who has read, liked or shared The Smother so far. 100 editions down, hopefully many more to come...
Like us on Facebook or subscribe here. 

In the news...
Dane Swan will miss up to a month after a foot injury left him unable to complete his signature turtle-wobble at an acceptable pace. "He needs to reclaim his burst speed" said Rodney Eade.

Josh Gibson is expected to return for the Hawks match with the Swans next Saturday, after recovering from a pectoral injury. The match, a reunion with his old best friend Buddy, is an exciting prospect for Gibson: "I'm really keen to get back out there" he said.

Port Midfielder Dom Cassisi has announced his retirement at the end of the season. "It's time for me to hand the baton on" said the former captain. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014: They know he's leaving...

Make no mistake, Chris Judd will retire at the end of 2014. The chicken-wing champion will have already confirmed it with the club, who are doubtlessly working on a marketing campaign to drag a throb of disenchanted Carlton fans to the MCG for their final round game against Essendon. If Judd's aging frame allows, it will be his last game. If not, they'll be dusting off a topless Toyota for a lap of honour, it's set.

Mick Malthouse, showing a surprising streak of self-deprecating comedy, suggested last week that Judd - and all players - should retire when there's "something left in the tank". The former Premiership coach, who has this year managed to drag Carlton from 9th to 14th on the table, urged players not to tarnish their reputation by playing on too long. Though Judd never achieved the team success that Carlton envisaged, his reputation as a great is firmly entrenched, just as Malthouse's increasing weirdness has entrenched his value to this blog forevermore.

Perhaps the only challenge left for the club is to come up with an appropriate slogan. We suggest "They know he's leaving".


In the news...
Widely rated as the worst Premiership captain in the history of the game, although we disagree, Nick Maxwell is expected to announce his retirement from the game at 2:30 this afternoon. Maxwell played 208 games for Collingwood.

Fresh from some MCG argy-bargy with a confused pensioner last week, Cameron Ling has become to most sought-after assistant coach in league history. The 33 year old 3-time Premiership star at Geelong is reportedly being pursued by Melbourne for a Kirribilli agreement with Paul Roos, as well as his beloved Cats and North Melbourne, where he has been engaged as leadership consultant this year.

The Bulldogs could welcome back Brownlow Medallist Adam Cooney as well as Ryan Griffen for this weekends clash with Essendon. As Collingwood supporters, we would advise the Dogs not to drop their only fit key defender for the match.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014: It's all getting a bit silly.

It's an embarrassment of riches. Late in the season, and with the top 8 as unsettled as in any other recent season, we could write about the race for the flag. We could discuss the ridiculousness behind the moustache of BT, who is clearly struggling to differentiate between a national broadcast and high school playground. We could have theorised on the contents of the menu at last night's coaches dinner at Gil McLachlans.  There is doubtless some joy to be found in riffing on the acrimony between Mick Malthouse and Cameron Ling, with the old fella unhappy about becoming a reality TV star - his less calm moments being featured so regularly on Channel 7's coverage... and the SCG's new Jumbotron. His dimming of lights and creative attempts to obscure himself with sheets of A4 paper proving no match for the crafty Big Brother tactics of the host broadcaster.

So much silliness, yet none of it rivals the sheer joy that this publication draws from the ire between Sydney and Collingwood, or rather, Sydney and Eddie. We've said it before, and we'll say it again, football has so little to do with what happens on the field. The players themselves are mere short-term attention seekers, while the long game is played by rich men in suits arguing over money. In this regard, there is one rivallry which exceeds all others, and that is Eddie and the Swans. What started with a small debate over the cost of living allowance is now a full blown war. John Longmire has refused to have anything to do with Eddie, who in turn accused him of being unaustralian for refusing to be an assistant coach for the International Rules series.

Now Eddie has lined up the Swans Academy, while also refusing to "throw rose petals at the feet of Sydney" while they "march to September glory". It's all getting a little silly, but nearly as silly as the Fairfax journalist who urged Eddie to keep his mouth shut - on the grounds of a correlation between his 2010 quietness and Collingwoods Premiership.


The Monday... uh... Tuesday Wrap
Friday:
Hawthorn 104 defeated Adelaide 92
Saturday:
Geelong 102 defeated Melbourne 36
North Melbourne 92 defeated St. Kilda 33
Western Bulldogs 94 defeated Gold Coast 66
West Coast 76 defeated Brisbane 64
Sydney 122 defeated Carlton 51
Sunday:
Richmond 126 defeated Port Adelaide 106
Essendon 103 defeated Collingwood 39
Fremantle 136 defeated GWS 60

Ladder
Sydney - 52 - 143.51%
Fremantle - 48 - 142.47%
Hawthorn - 48 - 139.92%
Geelong - 48 - 112.39%
Port Adelaide - 44 - 133.89%
North Melbourne - 40 - 115.51%
Essendon - 36 - 110.02%
Collingwood - 36 - 106.61%
Gold Coast - 36 - 99.45%
Adelaide - 32 - 108.38%
West Coast - 28 - 108.21%
Richmond - 24 - 100.14%
Western Bulldogs - 24 - 84.94%
Carlton - 20 - 89.54%
GWS - 16 - 72.50%
Melbourne - 16 - 71.77%
Brisbane - 16 - 63.30%
St. Kilda - 12 - 56.97%

In the news...
Hayden Ballantyne and Thomas Murphy have both accepted their one-match bans for various indiscretions, meaning the tribunal will not sit tonight.

Showing a solid 50% commitment to multiculturalism, the AFL has offered free entry for international passport holidays during this weekend's half-a-round. Paying members will still have to shell out for booking fees, print your own ticket fees, upgrade fees etc....

NOT LENNY! Lenny Hayes has announced that this years Wooden Spoon will be his last. He will retire at seasons end after nearly 300 games.

Friday, July 11, 2014: Bloody Fairfax

Bloody Fairfax. In a year that has been dogged by low crowds, awful fixturing, expensive food and drinks, drug scandals, Richmond, Josh Bootsma, Buddy's driving, Carlton, COLA, the rolling mauls etc etc, there was really only one success story: The Adelaide Oval.

Oh yes, this was a building as revered as the Colosseum or Stonehenge. So stunning, so monolithic and iconic that previously erudite commentators were reduced to blubbering sycophants, only able to riff ad nauseum on the size and beauty of the structure. The football was relegated to the background, a mere cherry on top of the wonder that is Adelaide Oval. No matter who should hold the cup aloft in September, the real winner of 2014 has been a small patch of grass just a short walk from the Adelaide CBD.

At least, so we thought. Fairfax, with their love of ruining all things joyous with scandal-hunting "journalism", through their chief fun policewoman Caroline Wilson, has intervened. In a devastating back page lead, The Age has alleged the stadium deal offered to Port and the Crows will leave the Power broke within three years. What might have looked like the worlds greatest living tribute to all things sport is actually a Frankenstein-esque Leech monster, sucking the viability out of the very clubs it was built to serve.

The deal is set to be re-negotiated, meaning the terms may change. What will never change is this: whenever the League gets something right, Caro will be around the corner to prove that they haven't...

In the news...
Throwing a dinner party is hard work, so having people not show can be frustrating and embarrassing. That's the fate that awaits Sir Gillan on Monday night, with Melbourne and Essendon being the first to decline his offer for a coaches dinner on Monday night.

Sam Fisher will return for the Saints against North in Hobart this weekend. It's Fisher's first game since round 10 last year, and proves that the Saints are either not tanking, or at least that they're not very good at it.

Teams are here. Time to choose someone to replace Ablett as Supercoach captain. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014: All bets are off....

The NRL is caught up in a betting scandal. One player has been suspended for the rest of the season, others will miss two matches, while other staff and coaches have been suspended.

There will be much crowing from AFL heartland, of course. The battle for the moral high ground on such issues has been fought fiercely for years, seen as a barometer for how the leagues are going at convincing mothers that this was the sport for their sons. Every whiff of scandal by one is celebrated by the other, in spite of the growing success of soccer while it is administered by FIFA. To celebrate this, for the AFL, would be shortsighted.

Pretending that the relationship between sports and gambling is a healthy one is willful blindness. It ignores the fact that it is impossible to watch a game of AFL, no matter your age, without being barraged with advertisements for various specials, discounts and the joyous fun of gambling- as well as alcohol and junk food.

When you put finance ahead of community health, the slope is only ever slippery.

In the news...
Adelaide star Patrick Dangerfield looks set to return for tomorrow nights clash with Hawthorn, however defender Scott Thompson still needs to prove his fitness.

Big Bog McEvoy should return for the Hawks, but Brad Hill's knee injury will prevent him from travelling to Adelaide.

Demon defender Tom McDonald has re-signed at the club, along with young midfielder Dom Barry.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014: Daddy, Daddy...

"Daddy... Daddy... can you please do more bets? I want to watch the game".

That's about the only comment I need to make. If Tabcorps offensive proposal to stream AFL games to people who bet enough using their services is accepted by the AFL, we can only assume that Gill's contempt for the health and safety of the fans, and the ethics of the game going forward, knows no bounds.

This is a proposal dragged from the gutter of human decency without any redeeming features. Our game is already excessively cloaked in promotions from gambling companies offering specials indiscriminately yet somehow claiming never to target children. If the line is not drawn here, we are all in serious trouble.

In the news...
Gazza Watch has concluded with the news that the great man will miss the remainder of the season. Brent Macaffer now resigned to facing a sea of angry punters who invested on Ablett for the Brownlow.

Brian Lake will miss four games for his inelegant strangle-hold on Drew Petrie. Petrie was reprimanded for face gouging, but escaped suspension.

Collingwood's little leaper Jamie Elliot will miss Sunday's game with Essendon, as he struggles to overcome a hamstring complaint.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014: Wannabe Magpies...

The AFL has confirmed that the interchange cap will remain at 120 for the 2015 season, despite rapidly shifting opinions on the new rule. Coaches, who had previously opposed a cap - including, laughably, on health and safety grounds - are, according to an AFL survey, largely in favour of a reduction. Retired Lion Jonathon Brown has joined the chorus, advocating a reduction to between 60 and 80 per game.

Brown believes a reduction will cause games to open up in the closing stages, allowing the little guys to get into the gaps as the big men run out of petrol tickets.We agree, but only because we've always been too scared to disagree with someone as big as Brown.

In far more humorous news, however, Punt Road has been embroiled in scandal after a "wannabe" Magpie began swooping patrons at Richmond train station. Though the league has been blessed by a group of wannabe Magpies at Visy Park this season, it appears the disease is spreading.

In the news...
Despite a knock in the VFL on the weekend, Collingwood still believes that Ben Reid will be available for selection this week. "He obviously can't take a trick at the moment, but he's okay" said Rodney Eade.

Adelaide stars Scott Thompson and Patrick Dangerfield will be right to face the Hawks this weekend, shaking off minor ailments.

And despite missing last week and ruining a certain columnists Supercoach score, Matthew Pavlich has re-signed with the mighty Purple. "As long as my mind and body are willing, I'll keep going" threatened Pavlich.

Monday, July 7, 2104: A chokers guide...

Choking; it's a famed concept in sport. Greg Norman, Mark Williams and The Collybobbles are just some of the members of the choking hall of fame - but this weekend we saw two new admissions.

The first was Clinton Young, who - completely free from any inkling of a defender - committed one of the more spectacular failings in recent sporting history. With Collingwood 5 points and Young within easy distance of goals, the mark was an almost certainty for any player with hands. It bounced through Young's hands, he scrambled through a behind and cost his team the 4 points.

Which is embarrassing, but at least not as literal as Brian Lake's choke on Drew Petrie - which will see him sent straight to the tribunal. Lake had a dirty night on Friday night, and a likely suspension is sure to frustrate the coaches at a team already stung by injuries to key defenders.



The Monday Wrap:
Friday:
North Melbourne 108 defeated Hawthorn 88
Saturday:
Richmond 79 defeated Brisbane 54
Adelaide 140 defeated GWS 72
Gold Coast 80 defeated Collingwood 75
Fremantle 97 defeated Melbourne 34
Essendon 62 defeated Port Adelaide 60
Sunday:
Carlton 151 defeated St. Kilda 66
Sydney 79 defeated West Coast 51
Geelong 69 defeated Western Bulldogs 56

The Ladder
Sydney - 48
Hawthorn - 44
Port Adelaide - 44
Fremantle - 44
Geelong - 44
Collingwood - 36
North Melbourne - 36
Gold Coast - 36
Adelaide - 32
Essendon - 32
West Coast - 24
Richmond - 20
Carlton - 20
Western Bulldogs - 20
GWS - 16
Melbourne - 16
Brisbane - 16
St. Kilda 12

In the news...

The Match Review Panel is in: Brian Lake's case has been referred directly to the tribunal, while Tom Rockliff, Brendan Goddard and Josh Kennedy have each been offered a week.

Still no clarity on the severity of Gary Ablett's shoulder injury, with the club taking more time to consult specialists.

Eagle Matt Rosa is in a "a bit of strife" according to coach Adam Simpson. The midfielder is expected to miss "multiple weeks" with a pectoral injury.

Friday, July 4, 2014: Let the games begin...

Sometimes you just need to tell someone. Secrets eat away at us, sharing is inherent to the human experience. In refusing to share knowledge, we engage in the ultimate battle of nature versus nature; it is only our conscience that prevents it.

Even then it's difficult, as the mysterious Dr. Harcourt discovered last year. Facing a panel of FIFA officials, the need to share overcame the good Doctor. He splurged details on the ASADA scandal, which could land him in court. As well as this, he revealed some controversial information about the AFL's three-strikes policy, including that several players had been 'retired', while others had been withdrawn from playing duties to go into rehab.

So the challenge commences. While the AFL's alleged 'matches' take place this weekend, the real battle will be in Caro's library, as she agonises over injury data from recent years looking for players who have missed considerable periods with minor injuries. Let the games begin...

In the news....
Despite the Federal Government's recent attempts to encourage the retention of older workers, Mark Thompson has dropped Dustin Fletcher for this weeks match with Port Adelaide. "At this stage he's one of the emergencies" said Thompson.

Gold Coast coach Guy McKenna has urged his players to attempt to get inside the head of Travis Cloke during tomorrow's match at Metricon Stadium. While this correspondent doesn't see anything wrong with that, there is a lot of space between those ears, defender Lachie Keeffe has retaliated menacingly: "Trav's a big boy, he can take care of himself" he said.

Fresh from making a mess at Zagames, The Giants will welcome Toby Greene back into the side this weekend. Other teams are here.

Thursday, July 3, 2014: An impromptu and wonderful assessment...

Oh Mick, don't ever change. We here at The Smother love Mick Malthouse that much that we have, on multiple occasions, seriously countenanced the possibility of changing this blog to The Malthouse Daily and featuring only excerpts from his press conferences.

Speaking of which, yesterday was a doozy. After lining up free-agency for it's apparent ability to create a two-tiered EPL style league, he then launched into an impromptu - and rather wonderful - assessment of Carlton's playing stocks: "We've got some players that play with a lot of heart, but perhaps the talent level is not quite there"; on Jarrad Waite - "Jarrad needs to come to grips with what we're trying to do here at Carlton"; on Jeff Garlett - "(He) just isn't kicking enough goals. If you kick enough goals and don't defend, you can probably get away with it, but if you don't do either, you don't play".

As usual, the coaching at Carlton was apparently beyond reproach.


In the news...
Rookie Jack Redpath will play his first game for the Bulldogs this week end, with Brendan McCartney hoping for some "intensity and some contested marking" from the 23 year old. While Veteran Dylan Morris has expected to re-sign at Footscray.

Brisbane assistant coach Murray Davis has implemented new training measures to ensure players can kick out from fullback without stepping beyond the goal square as a response to first-gamer Daniel McStay's mistake on the weekend - "We were practicing kicking-in and I was certainly watching Dan closely" said Davis.

Damien Hardwick has criticised the MRP after his defender Steven Morris was given a week for two separate high hits: "The Tribunal is there for a reason and I don't think that's one of them" grumbled Hardwick.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014: Neither a trend nor a mere amusing spectacle..

On yesterdays Smother - check this out. I need say no more, damn the fireworks. Between Tayla Harris' specky and Abbey Holmes' game last night, it is clear that the best way to attract families to the footy is to immediately double the potential participation market.

Women's footy is neither a trend nor a mere amusing spectacle. This is the future, and if we don't embrace it - the world game will.

In the news...
A Smother Gold Star goes to Demon Jesse Hogan, who was able to re-sign for a team without saying "I'm enjoying my time at the footy club". Read what he did say here.

Mick Malthouse has finally recognised the severity of our recent 'Relegate Carlton to the VFL' campaign, challenging the league on the impacts of free agency. Malthouse has said the new rules create a "two tiered system", sternly perching himself and Carlton on the second of said tiers.

ASADA stuff happened. I haven't read it but you can.

Tuesday, 1 July, 2014: Matchday Experience...

I was there, Eddie. Wrapped in two jackets and under a beanie and a scarf no less, but I was there. We gathered in the furthest reaches of the gargantuan Southern Stand, still close enough to see the thousands of vacant seats on the ground level - all reserved for absent members - yet far enough back to sh*t myself when the fireworks launched, without warning, a few metres from my head. I endured it all: the spectacularly incongruous dancing troupe; the Americanised glory of Kiss Cam; that strange Chemist Warehouse guessing game that no-one beyond level 1 can win. I saw it all.

And you know what, Ed? Throughout it all; the constant bombardment of light and noise and crude attempts to turn an AFL game into some kind of Minor League Baseball Circus, there were moments that I longed to support a simpler team. A team that, though perhaps not as rich or successful, endeavored to put football first. A team like Melbourne or the Dogs.

Because, while you were arranging for explosives to cloak the Southern Stand in smoke and negotiating with dancers, they were hosting the second annual Women's match. Rather than shouting to be heard over painfully loud advertisements, their fans were enjoying watching the best women in the country battle it out. Regardless of what your presumably expensive market research team are telling you, football is not about the matchday experience nor amusing the children. No, what brings people to the football is, believe it or not, the chance to watch some football.

So Ed, if the league should grant you the $200k you've demanded, I - as a member - ask that you put it toward establishing a Collingwood women's team. Next year, we could see Collingwood and another team enter the draft created by Melbourne and the Western Bulldogs, and have a 4 team knockout competition. At the very least, it will put us ahead of a rather obvious curve. At best, it will show that you understand that women are for more than dancing before the men come out and play.

Yours,
The Smother


In the news...
Nathan Buckley has revealed he will send Brent Macaffer to Gary Ablett on Saturday afternoon. "He would be our number one target" threatened Buckley.

The 2014 season will be the last in the AFL for Crows defender Ben Rutten, who announced his retirement today. "It wasn't a tough decision... I'm pretty comfortable with the decision" said Rutten, leaving us to wonder who he was really trying to convince.

David Mundy has eschewed the temptations of a big money free-agency deal, re-signing with the Dockers for three more years. "I'm thankful for them giving me my opportunity and I'm enjoying my time here" said Mundy, proving that the AFLPA new contract handbook is the same in Perth as it is Melbourne.

The tribunal will not sit tonight after the trio of naughty boys issued with suspensions this week have decided not to fight them. Mitch Robinson will miss two, while Neville Jetta and Steven Morris will each miss a week.