Thursday, February 27, 2014: Stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in

When we here at Smother House needed an automobile to visit friends... qualify for the highly discriminatory Drive-Thru only policy at 24 hour McDonalds, we were determined to do it on the cheap. We purchased a 24 year old station wagon for $600, extinguished the small engine fires, applied copious amounts of duct tape and finally took pride of place in the automotive class.

Of course, as is perhaps to be expected of a $600 24 year old station wagon, it was only a few months before the engine exploded, pumping coolant fumes throughout the cabin and causing no small degree of hallucinations and chemical epiphanies. The wreckers offered us $200, reduced to $150 when they saw the state of the thing.

In football, as in life, you get what you paid for. There are laws that protect you against dishonest salesman or unexpected failures of a crucial nature, but these rights are waived when - having full knowledge of the state of the goods - you still decide to make the purchase. This will be bad news for Ross Lyon when he arrives at Windy Hill with a receipt and a 25 year old tall-forward stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in, as he might just find himself fresh out of luck.  

Limping off the ground in the first quarter of last night's NAB Challenge match was a reminder to always check the repair history, whether you're dealing with used cars or used tall-forwards. Scott Gumbleton's tissue paper hamstrings, which limited him to 35 games over 7 season at Essendon, were well documented enough to make Fremantle's offer a rather radical punt on some expensive and risky machinery.

Despite the injury, the Dockers coach isn't ready to write-off his new investment just yet. "I can't guess what is going through their head but when you invest so much and see that investment slip away in the short term and near term … longer-term all that work is done and it should pay off" he tyre-kicked. 


In the news...
We've laughed, we've cried, we've seen the price and laughed again, cried again etc... tonight Lance Moneyball Franklin will run out in his Swans jumper for the first time in a NAB Challenge against someone or other at Blacktown we think. Sources in Sydney are calling this the biggest event to hit the city since the ARIA's in early December, and are predicting a bumper crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters.

The AFL looks set to allow Marley Williams to play in Collingwood's Gold Coast practice match this weekend, although they will probably ban him from the season proper while he awaits sentencing over his jaw-breaking 'warning punch'. Sensing a chance to continue to be a football writer without having to watch any football, Caroline Wilson had her say too.

Taylor Walker's knee twang has taken on mythical proportions, with Adelaide coach Brenton Sanderson extending the window for when the key-forward might return to AFL. "It could be anywhere between rounds five and 15 and that's serious" he guessed.

Essendon coach Matthew Egan has praised Tom Bellchambers choice of foot-ware ahead of his return from an ankle-twang, expected to be in round 5. "He was walking around in normal shoes last night and a week ago he was in a moon boot" he said, sniffing a pair of dirty socks and leering at the feet of the hosts.

Wednesday February 19, 2014: The navy blue light on the dock..

The Great Pendlebury...

"Gatsby's wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy's dock....his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him." 

Collingwood captain Scott Pendlebury must identify with Jay Gatsby. He's lost his own Daisy, to Carlton of all places, and after his pre-season jaunt to the US with Gary Ablett Jr, he's gone and got himself caught up in his own impossible American dream. "The parties were bigger, the shows were broader, the buildings were higher, the models were looser, and the ban on alcohol had backfired. Making the liquor cheaper. Wall Street was luring the young and ambitious, and I was one of them..." he didn't say, but he was drawn by the experience of the Superbowl, and has set his sights on bringing that great American dream down under. 

"After seeing it, I spoke to 'Gaz' over there and said it would be pretty cool if we did this back in Australia" he yankee-doodled, "Even a 4.40pm timeslot where the entertainment at half-time was under lights.... It 
created a great buzz and certainly something that opened my eyes over there is how well they did it."

And while anyone with even a passing interest in music will tell you that the vast amount of natural light provided by the afternoon Grand Final was the third biggest issue that confronted Meatloaf in his shambolic performance (the other two being giving him a microphone and booking him at all), we think it's time to get back to basics. The recipe for a great AFL Grand Final - which has worked for thousands of years - is quite simple; put Mark Seymour in the corner and start a game of Little League whilst gouging supporters for their every dollar with prohibitively expensive flat beers, cold pies and multi-million dollar 'healthy choice' sandwiches for those watching their weight (as opposed to their wait - which grows every year as the league sends more and more staff upstairs to massage the feet of corporate executives who don't even care who's playing).

That, Mr. Pendlebury, is the great Australian dream - even if it will never bring Daisy back. 

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In other news...

The Eagles started their redemption campaign with a 148-64 win over a group of strangers in Fremantle jumpers. 

Collingwood's Quentin Lynch has put his hand up for the 2014 Johnny Rotten medal, "I don't care what other people think" he screamed defiantly when asked about his spot in the side, sticking a safety pin through his ear and giving the finger to 'the man'. 

Essendon's Alex Browne has joined his exiled coach James Hird in missing the 2104 season after scans revealed ACL damage. 

Meanwhile, the salary cap debate roars on. This time it's the AFLPA suggesting that perhaps their should be a cap on total 'football' spending, including players, coaches and facilities. Carlton is licking it's lips at the proposal as it prepares to sack Mick Malthouse and rehire him as a 'marketing manager'.

Justin Leppitsch has promised to rebuild the Lions without a significant bottoming out. "There's a basic formula for age and experience analysis out there that can tell you a premiership team's make-up and a finals team's make-up, We're probably a little bit south of that just on numbers", he underestimated.