Showing posts with label West Coast. Show all posts
Showing posts with label West Coast. Show all posts
Friday, 28 February 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014: A permanent marker and a petting zoo...
Here at Smother House, we know better than most how hard it is to run a business. We've spent weeks trying to achieve the grandiose dreams of our ambitious president (who has asked that he only be referred to as The Big Cheese), only to realise that when you fix one problem, another seven or so pop up. The Big Cheese used to regularly barge in our office, stumbling over McDonalds packaging and shouting things like 'I said I wanted the biggest football blog in the world and you give me piss-poor articles about Romeo and Juliet. Dammit Smother, you haven't written anything funny since that one joke about Alex Fasolo'.
Luckily for our already depleted self-esteem, he's stopped doing that. In fact, he's stopped reading entirely. The Big Cheese now presumably spends his days windsurfing off the coast of Elsternwick, occasionally meeting with Eddie McGuire to discuss the perversity of taxing millionaires and completely ignoring our request for a marketing budget.
Which is why we feel sorry for Alan Joyce, the lovable Irish rogue who is slowly destroying our national airline and sacking all of his staff in order to compete with Virgin. Joyce is just like us really, trying to play whack-a-mole with a stretched budget, pouring money into one area and then watching another disaster unfold in the very place he took that money from. We, for example, sensed that the reason for deplorable lack of jokes was due to a general lack of energy, yet when we sacked scores of writers in order to purchase a coffee machine, we quickly discovered that we'd sacked the guy who came up with the Alex Fasolo joke, and the few of us left were still to break our comedic ducks. A problem that no amount of lightly frothed milk in a perfectly pulled Espresso could amend.
But we digress, and given digressing is something we were specifically warned about by The Big Cheese before his disappearance, it's time to talk about football. Specifically the Swans, who lost by 35 points to the Eagles in Blacktown last night. When John Longmire spent $10m obtaining Lance Moneyball Franklin from Hawthorn, he may have fallen into the same trap as we did with the coffee machine.
"The ball didn't really get down there and when it did it didn't come with any quality" said Longmire, explaining why his $10m man kicked a solitary behind in the loss. "We didn't win the ball, which is the most basic of basics and we didn't do it. I'm not thrilled." What the Swans learnt last night, albeit in the hardest way possible, was that when the ball is at the other end of the ground your forwards are about as important as the news that ASADA has finished stage 175 of its 250 stage investigation into Essendon.
Of course, Buddy wasn't all about goals, he is also a marketing tool. Perhaps the Swans can maximise that investment by giving him a permanent marker and a petting zoo, signing autographs and amusing the local children while Heath Grundy deals with the swarm of opposition forwards.
In the news...
Chris Scott, John Longmire, Mark Thompson, Alan Richardson, Justin Leppitsch and Adam Simpson have united to encourage fans to behave themselves while in the crowd. "People think that when you pay the price of a ticket that you can leave your morals or ethics behind for the two hours of the match" grumbled AFL Operations Manager Mark Evans, adding that "it's up to the adults in the crowd to show the way". (It is understood that attempt to invite Alastair Clarkson failed to reach him as he had previously smashed the phone they tried to call him on).
However, if the AFL needs adults to send a message, they should go no further than Eddie McGuire and Andrew Newbold, who spent yesterday at AFL House discussing the leagues equalisation plans. "I think everyone knows how to behave and we'll be fine" said Newbold of his Presidential counterparts.
McGuire has stepped up his campaign against the tax, accusing the other clubs of being dole bludgers "You work all your life, you've got your family and you've got your assets in play… and I come in and say, 'That's good, but I'm going to take three quarters of your money off you… and give it to the blokes who have been cheating down the road, not going to work, have been sitting on the porch smoking a cigar" He moaned, between high-paying board meetings.
The infamous Marley Williams 'warning punch' continues to dog the young defender, he was sent home from Collingwood's Gold Coast training camp, though he did enjoy White Water World, and looks certain to miss at least the first 6 rounds while he awaits sentencing.
Footy Operations Guy Mark Evans has completed a wide-ranging interview for AFL.com.au, declaring ominously that the centre bounce is safe... for now.
Meanwhile, the final two games of the NAB Challenge are on this weekend. Melbourne and Geelong will clash in Darwin tonight, and GWS will take on St. Kilda on Saturday night in Wagga Wagga. The NAB Challenge will then give way to a series of practice matches, with Gold Coast taking on Collingwood on Sunday.
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
Wednesday February 19, 2014: The navy blue light on the dock..
The Great Pendlebury...
"Gatsby's wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy's dock....his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him."
Collingwood captain Scott Pendlebury must identify with Jay Gatsby. He's lost his own Daisy, to Carlton of all places, and after his pre-season jaunt to the US with Gary Ablett Jr, he's gone and got himself caught up in his own impossible American dream. "The parties were bigger, the shows were broader, the buildings were higher, the models were looser, and the ban on alcohol had backfired. Making the liquor cheaper. Wall Street was luring the young and ambitious, and I was one of them..." he didn't say, but he was drawn by the experience of the Superbowl, and has set his sights on bringing that great American dream down under.
"After seeing it, I spoke to 'Gaz' over there and said it would be pretty cool if we did this back in Australia" he yankee-doodled, "Even a 4.40pm timeslot where the entertainment at half-time was under lights.... It
created a great buzz and certainly something that opened my eyes over there is how well they did it."
And while anyone with even a passing interest in music will tell you that the vast amount of natural light provided by the afternoon Grand Final was the third biggest issue that confronted Meatloaf in his shambolic performance (the other two being giving him a microphone and booking him at all), we think it's time to get back to basics. The recipe for a great AFL Grand Final - which has worked for thousands of years - is quite simple; put Mark Seymour in the corner and start a game of Little League whilst gouging supporters for their every dollar with prohibitively expensive flat beers, cold pies and multi-million dollar 'healthy choice' sandwiches for those watching their weight (as opposed to their wait - which grows every year as the league sends more and more staff upstairs to massage the feet of corporate executives who don't even care who's playing).
That, Mr. Pendlebury, is the great Australian dream - even if it will never bring Daisy back.
______________________________
In other news...
The Eagles started their redemption campaign with a 148-64 win over a group of strangers in Fremantle jumpers.
Collingwood's Quentin Lynch has put his hand up for the 2014 Johnny Rotten medal, "I don't care what other people think" he screamed defiantly when asked about his spot in the side, sticking a safety pin through his ear and giving the finger to 'the man'.
Essendon's Alex Browne has joined his exiled coach James Hird in missing the 2104 season after scans revealed ACL damage.
Meanwhile, the salary cap debate roars on. This time it's the AFLPA suggesting that perhaps their should be a cap on total 'football' spending, including players, coaches and facilities. Carlton is licking it's lips at the proposal as it prepares to sack Mick Malthouse and rehire him as a 'marketing manager'.
Justin Leppitsch has promised to rebuild the Lions without a significant bottoming out. "There's a basic formula for age and experience analysis out there that can tell you a premiership team's make-up and a finals team's make-up, We're probably a little bit south of that just on numbers", he underestimated.
"Gatsby's wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy's dock....his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him."
Collingwood captain Scott Pendlebury must identify with Jay Gatsby. He's lost his own Daisy, to Carlton of all places, and after his pre-season jaunt to the US with Gary Ablett Jr, he's gone and got himself caught up in his own impossible American dream. "The parties were bigger, the shows were broader, the buildings were higher, the models were looser, and the ban on alcohol had backfired. Making the liquor cheaper. Wall Street was luring the young and ambitious, and I was one of them..." he didn't say, but he was drawn by the experience of the Superbowl, and has set his sights on bringing that great American dream down under.
"After seeing it, I spoke to 'Gaz' over there and said it would be pretty cool if we did this back in Australia" he yankee-doodled, "Even a 4.40pm timeslot where the entertainment at half-time was under lights.... It
created a great buzz and certainly something that opened my eyes over there is how well they did it."
And while anyone with even a passing interest in music will tell you that the vast amount of natural light provided by the afternoon Grand Final was the third biggest issue that confronted Meatloaf in his shambolic performance (the other two being giving him a microphone and booking him at all), we think it's time to get back to basics. The recipe for a great AFL Grand Final - which has worked for thousands of years - is quite simple; put Mark Seymour in the corner and start a game of Little League whilst gouging supporters for their every dollar with prohibitively expensive flat beers, cold pies and multi-million dollar 'healthy choice' sandwiches for those watching their weight (as opposed to their wait - which grows every year as the league sends more and more staff upstairs to massage the feet of corporate executives who don't even care who's playing).
That, Mr. Pendlebury, is the great Australian dream - even if it will never bring Daisy back.
______________________________
In other news...
The Eagles started their redemption campaign with a 148-64 win over a group of strangers in Fremantle jumpers.
Collingwood's Quentin Lynch has put his hand up for the 2014 Johnny Rotten medal, "I don't care what other people think" he screamed defiantly when asked about his spot in the side, sticking a safety pin through his ear and giving the finger to 'the man'.
Essendon's Alex Browne has joined his exiled coach James Hird in missing the 2104 season after scans revealed ACL damage.
Meanwhile, the salary cap debate roars on. This time it's the AFLPA suggesting that perhaps their should be a cap on total 'football' spending, including players, coaches and facilities. Carlton is licking it's lips at the proposal as it prepares to sack Mick Malthouse and rehire him as a 'marketing manager'.
Justin Leppitsch has promised to rebuild the Lions without a significant bottoming out. "There's a basic formula for age and experience analysis out there that can tell you a premiership team's make-up and a finals team's make-up, We're probably a little bit south of that just on numbers", he underestimated.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
Tuesday February 17: Great oratory...
Vive Le Revolution...
With the abundance of 'yeah, nah' and a horrid habit of appropriating senseless grammatical crimes from American sports, football and great oratory are two things not often associated with each other. Occasionally though, someone steps up and delivers a speech so gosh darn inspirational that we here at Smother House feel the need to drape ourselves in an AFL flag, wipe our weeping eyes and march down to Demetriou's waterfront office shouting Vive Le Revolution.
Yesterday, that man was Alastair Clarkson. "For too long, coaches have had that attitude or felt they should. For too long, we've said nothing. We need to speak up about this" He Martin Luther-Kinged, ''We're only temporary custodians. We're just here to protect the game and pass the baton on to the next generation and ensure it is in a good state.
The cost of living allowance (COLA) debate has drawn on, with Mike Fitzpatrick giving the strongest hint yet that the COLA has little, it anything, to do with the COL.
Asked about the changes, AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick showed the standard political guile required of an AFL chairman by answering an entirely different and completely made up question that he felt more equipped to answer. "I think if your question is, are Greater Western Sydney at a different stage of development to Sydney? (it wasn't...) I think the answer's yes", he self-answered, showing a limited understanding of either the property market, the purpose of the allowance, or both.
The most likely path appears to be the removal of the COLA, replacing it with an 'expansion allowance' which will allow GWS to continue to rort the system while appeasing those outraged by Lance Franklin's signings. A 'yeah, nah' if ever we heard one...
___________________________
In the news...
43 touches and 7 inside-50's for David Zaharakis was not enough to get the Bombers over the line at Metricon Stadium last night, with a Gary Ablett buzzer-beater getting the Suns home 90-89.
Essendon youngster Alex Browne suffered a leg injury of as-yet-unformed severity, while the Gold Coast shook of a shoulder scare to recruit Sean Lemmens. "He may be right next week, if not definitely for Collingwood" said Guy McKenna, proving that if the draft gives you Lemmens, you should send someone to Lemmens aid.
The Gold Coast's Sean Lemmens is likely to play next week despite a shoulder scare, when the draft gives you Lemmens...
Adelaide have added Ricky Henderson to a pre-season casualty list which already includes captain Nathan Van Berlo. Henderson has a suspected leg fracture after landing awkwardly in a tackle.
Go go gadget...
Maverick Weller, who has moved from Gold Coast to St. Kilda, has praised the proportions of the Sun's prodigy Jack Martin."It’s not that he’s that tall but I reckon he’s got really long arms, which helps him take a good catch.", said Weller.
With the abundance of 'yeah, nah' and a horrid habit of appropriating senseless grammatical crimes from American sports, football and great oratory are two things not often associated with each other. Occasionally though, someone steps up and delivers a speech so gosh darn inspirational that we here at Smother House feel the need to drape ourselves in an AFL flag, wipe our weeping eyes and march down to Demetriou's waterfront office shouting Vive Le Revolution.
Yesterday, that man was Alastair Clarkson. "For too long, coaches have had that attitude or felt they should. For too long, we've said nothing. We need to speak up about this" He Martin Luther-Kinged, ''We're only temporary custodians. We're just here to protect the game and pass the baton on to the next generation and ensure it is in a good state.
''We've just got to make sure that things like what happened last year must never be allowed to ambush the game again, to tarnish what is a great game"
He was, of course, referring to Essendon, and with the usual decorum that has defined the Hawthorn-Essendon relationship over the years, he couldn't resist the chance to pass comment on exiled dictator James Hird. "'Hirdy needs accreditation to coach under nines but not an AFL footy team. It really concerns me that the game doesn't protect itself in the way, say, the teaching industry does." Tasty stuff...
____________
Meanwhile, new West Coast Coach Adam Simpson has promised a tangible sense of chaos for tonight's faux derby in a place I've never heard of. "I’d like 10 games before round one to be honest. It could get messy on the weekend", he teased, leaving the waiting media whether or not he had spent the afternoon on Tinder looking for big strong men who could possibly hold down a key position.
_____________
Asked about the changes, AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick showed the standard political guile required of an AFL chairman by answering an entirely different and completely made up question that he felt more equipped to answer. "I think if your question is, are Greater Western Sydney at a different stage of development to Sydney? (it wasn't...) I think the answer's yes", he self-answered, showing a limited understanding of either the property market, the purpose of the allowance, or both.
The most likely path appears to be the removal of the COLA, replacing it with an 'expansion allowance' which will allow GWS to continue to rort the system while appeasing those outraged by Lance Franklin's signings. A 'yeah, nah' if ever we heard one...
___________________________
In the news...
43 touches and 7 inside-50's for David Zaharakis was not enough to get the Bombers over the line at Metricon Stadium last night, with a Gary Ablett buzzer-beater getting the Suns home 90-89.
Essendon youngster Alex Browne suffered a leg injury of as-yet-unformed severity, while the Gold Coast shook of a shoulder scare to recruit Sean Lemmens. "He may be right next week, if not definitely for Collingwood" said Guy McKenna, proving that if the draft gives you Lemmens, you should send someone to Lemmens aid.
The Gold Coast's Sean Lemmens is likely to play next week despite a shoulder scare, when the draft gives you Lemmens...
Adelaide have added Ricky Henderson to a pre-season casualty list which already includes captain Nathan Van Berlo. Henderson has a suspected leg fracture after landing awkwardly in a tackle.
Go go gadget...
Maverick Weller, who has moved from Gold Coast to St. Kilda, has praised the proportions of the Sun's prodigy Jack Martin."It’s not that he’s that tall but I reckon he’s got really long arms, which helps him take a good catch.", said Weller.
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