Thursday, February 27, 2014: Stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in

When we here at Smother House needed an automobile to visit friends... qualify for the highly discriminatory Drive-Thru only policy at 24 hour McDonalds, we were determined to do it on the cheap. We purchased a 24 year old station wagon for $600, extinguished the small engine fires, applied copious amounts of duct tape and finally took pride of place in the automotive class.

Of course, as is perhaps to be expected of a $600 24 year old station wagon, it was only a few months before the engine exploded, pumping coolant fumes throughout the cabin and causing no small degree of hallucinations and chemical epiphanies. The wreckers offered us $200, reduced to $150 when they saw the state of the thing.

In football, as in life, you get what you paid for. There are laws that protect you against dishonest salesman or unexpected failures of a crucial nature, but these rights are waived when - having full knowledge of the state of the goods - you still decide to make the purchase. This will be bad news for Ross Lyon when he arrives at Windy Hill with a receipt and a 25 year old tall-forward stuffed awkwardly back in the packaging it came in, as he might just find himself fresh out of luck.  

Limping off the ground in the first quarter of last night's NAB Challenge match was a reminder to always check the repair history, whether you're dealing with used cars or used tall-forwards. Scott Gumbleton's tissue paper hamstrings, which limited him to 35 games over 7 season at Essendon, were well documented enough to make Fremantle's offer a rather radical punt on some expensive and risky machinery.

Despite the injury, the Dockers coach isn't ready to write-off his new investment just yet. "I can't guess what is going through their head but when you invest so much and see that investment slip away in the short term and near term … longer-term all that work is done and it should pay off" he tyre-kicked. 


In the news...
We've laughed, we've cried, we've seen the price and laughed again, cried again etc... tonight Lance Moneyball Franklin will run out in his Swans jumper for the first time in a NAB Challenge against someone or other at Blacktown we think. Sources in Sydney are calling this the biggest event to hit the city since the ARIA's in early December, and are predicting a bumper crowd of 127 enthusiastic supporters.

The AFL looks set to allow Marley Williams to play in Collingwood's Gold Coast practice match this weekend, although they will probably ban him from the season proper while he awaits sentencing over his jaw-breaking 'warning punch'. Sensing a chance to continue to be a football writer without having to watch any football, Caroline Wilson had her say too.

Taylor Walker's knee twang has taken on mythical proportions, with Adelaide coach Brenton Sanderson extending the window for when the key-forward might return to AFL. "It could be anywhere between rounds five and 15 and that's serious" he guessed.

Essendon coach Matthew Egan has praised Tom Bellchambers choice of foot-ware ahead of his return from an ankle-twang, expected to be in round 5. "He was walking around in normal shoes last night and a week ago he was in a moon boot" he said, sniffing a pair of dirty socks and leering at the feet of the hosts.

Friday, February 21, 2014: Cheering and being a squad...

From his understated Toorak manor, the reserved philanthropist, amateur economist and Collingwood president had finally seen enough. After staying silent for countless hours, the media shy Edward McGuire finally said what needed to be said. It is time that "everyone, players included, make their workplaces successful and thriving. Otherwise, the lessons that have been learnt today - at Ford, Toyota and Alcoa - will be wasted on the AFL."

"Let's sort out the economy of football, so that everybody continues to have a job and that we have a great competition" McGuire lectured, reminding all of us the ultimate fragility of the pathway from AFL player to person employed in a position they have no little to no qualifications for. 

We mustn't forget McGuire's history in the providing jobs for downtrodden workers who don't necessarily having the prerequisite skills or experience. The club he quietly leads, Collingwood, has employed former lanky defender Simon Prestigiacomo as its merchandise manager, retired midfielder Nathan Buckley as head coach, and as recently as last year employed retrenched Jordan Russell as an AFL player despite a complete inability to kick a football.

And the economic smarts at Collingwood don't stop there. The industrial age theory of specialisation, which allowed factories to thrive by giving employees small tasks at which they can become highly proficient, is now officially back in vogue at the Westpac Centre with yesterday's announcement that they had relieved their cheer squad of the onerous task of sticky-taping bits of crepe together.

"Volunteers will create the banner, members will hold it up" professed club spokesman Stephen Rielly, noting that this would allow the cheer squad to focus on their core business of cheering and being a squad. "the cheer squad will be all about barracking and sounding great on the day... We want them to not be concerned about the banner and to focus on making a lot of noise". The move came as a result of an off-season survey which allowed the club to glean the ultimate goal of the cheer squad (that being to be "more unified and make a bigger noise" ie: cheering and being a squad).

And while on first glance it may seem like a blatant commercial ploy, we here at Smother House understand the difficulty that some behind the goals feel when deciding whether to go with the quintessential 'Collingwood-clap-clap-clap', or the moving ballad 'Colllll-inggggggg-woood'. It's the same challenge Oasis must face when choosing a set from their daunting back-catalogue, and they have roadies for the heavy lifting....
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In the news...
Sydney defeated a plucky GWS side by 40 points in Canberra last night, with the Swans bearded backline of Rhyce Shaw and Nick Malceski holding strong. The weekend will see Hawthorn play North Melbourne in Launceston, Collingwood take on Richmond in Wangaratta and another pretend derby between Gold Coast and Brisbane on Sunday in Townsville. 

Despite his lack of any time at Collingwood, Carlton midfielder and personal friend of Bryce Gibbs Marc Murphy looks set to re-sign. "I'm pretty close to 'Gibbsy' and from talking to Gibbsy I don't think he'll be going anywhere", he name-dropped.

Morning TV host and Port Adelaide chairman David Koch has revealed he would sack Jake King over his friendship with Bandido Toby Mitchell. ""We would get rid of him, absolutely, as simple as that," he holier-than-thou'd, from behind a camera a long way from Bandido Toby Mitchell. 

Young Magpie Marley Williams has been found guilty of causing Grievous Bodily Harm after his warning punch erronoeusly connected with the jaw of a man in an Albany pub. "I was not intending to hurt anyone. It was more of a warning punch. It was either strike or be beaten up" he said.

Jack Riewoldt has stuck to his media ban, withdrawing from Saturday night's NAB Challenge game with a thigh injury due to the presence of cameras.