Friday, February 21, 2014: Cheering and being a squad...

From his understated Toorak manor, the reserved philanthropist, amateur economist and Collingwood president had finally seen enough. After staying silent for countless hours, the media shy Edward McGuire finally said what needed to be said. It is time that "everyone, players included, make their workplaces successful and thriving. Otherwise, the lessons that have been learnt today - at Ford, Toyota and Alcoa - will be wasted on the AFL."

"Let's sort out the economy of football, so that everybody continues to have a job and that we have a great competition" McGuire lectured, reminding all of us the ultimate fragility of the pathway from AFL player to person employed in a position they have no little to no qualifications for. 

We mustn't forget McGuire's history in the providing jobs for downtrodden workers who don't necessarily having the prerequisite skills or experience. The club he quietly leads, Collingwood, has employed former lanky defender Simon Prestigiacomo as its merchandise manager, retired midfielder Nathan Buckley as head coach, and as recently as last year employed retrenched Jordan Russell as an AFL player despite a complete inability to kick a football.

And the economic smarts at Collingwood don't stop there. The industrial age theory of specialisation, which allowed factories to thrive by giving employees small tasks at which they can become highly proficient, is now officially back in vogue at the Westpac Centre with yesterday's announcement that they had relieved their cheer squad of the onerous task of sticky-taping bits of crepe together.

"Volunteers will create the banner, members will hold it up" professed club spokesman Stephen Rielly, noting that this would allow the cheer squad to focus on their core business of cheering and being a squad. "the cheer squad will be all about barracking and sounding great on the day... We want them to not be concerned about the banner and to focus on making a lot of noise". The move came as a result of an off-season survey which allowed the club to glean the ultimate goal of the cheer squad (that being to be "more unified and make a bigger noise" ie: cheering and being a squad).

And while on first glance it may seem like a blatant commercial ploy, we here at Smother House understand the difficulty that some behind the goals feel when deciding whether to go with the quintessential 'Collingwood-clap-clap-clap', or the moving ballad 'Colllll-inggggggg-woood'. It's the same challenge Oasis must face when choosing a set from their daunting back-catalogue, and they have roadies for the heavy lifting....
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In the news...
Sydney defeated a plucky GWS side by 40 points in Canberra last night, with the Swans bearded backline of Rhyce Shaw and Nick Malceski holding strong. The weekend will see Hawthorn play North Melbourne in Launceston, Collingwood take on Richmond in Wangaratta and another pretend derby between Gold Coast and Brisbane on Sunday in Townsville. 

Despite his lack of any time at Collingwood, Carlton midfielder and personal friend of Bryce Gibbs Marc Murphy looks set to re-sign. "I'm pretty close to 'Gibbsy' and from talking to Gibbsy I don't think he'll be going anywhere", he name-dropped.

Morning TV host and Port Adelaide chairman David Koch has revealed he would sack Jake King over his friendship with Bandido Toby Mitchell. ""We would get rid of him, absolutely, as simple as that," he holier-than-thou'd, from behind a camera a long way from Bandido Toby Mitchell. 

Young Magpie Marley Williams has been found guilty of causing Grievous Bodily Harm after his warning punch erronoeusly connected with the jaw of a man in an Albany pub. "I was not intending to hurt anyone. It was more of a warning punch. It was either strike or be beaten up" he said.

Jack Riewoldt has stuck to his media ban, withdrawing from Saturday night's NAB Challenge game with a thigh injury due to the presence of cameras.

Thursday, February 20, 2014: A seat that is becoming very hard to sit in...

"All we are saying is to be careful, make sure they have done everything in their power to be ready to get into a seat that is becoming very hard to sit in.''

The excitement at Smother House hit fever pitch yesterday when we assumed, after hearing the above quote, that AFL Coaches Association head Danny Frawley had taken our side. The couch from which we consume endless hours of sport is indeed becoming hard to sit in; the sweat patches from throughout The Ashes have meshed with a variety of food stains creating super stains that are of some interest the CSIRO. Yet, despite our desperate appeals to Fair Work Australia and the United Nations, our humble couch was somehow deemed a safe workplace. A voice like Frawley's is just what we needed to convince our overlords to replace the couch, or at least cover it in some plastic sheeting - Chernobyl style.  

Alas, we felt a wave of disappointment when we read on and realised he was not at all concerned with our safety. The chair to which Frawley referred was indeed the one occupied by our 18 AFL coaches, and the qualifications that one should obtain. 

''It's a bit like a student that gets a perfect score in English in Year 12, and then the very next year asking them to go back to school and teach English. It just doesn't happen that way.'' he said, brandishing his own tumultuous career at Richmond as an example of the dangers of assuming that a good captain will make a good coach. Of course, in the wake of the startling illiteracy figures revealed last night, perhaps hiring English teachers with a vague proficiency in English mightn't be such a bad idea. 

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Another good idea was that of St. Kilda to recruit Eli Templeton, the dreadlocked wunderkind who bagged a brace of soccer goals in last night's NAB Challenge match with the Bulldogs. The Bulldogs ran out 11 point winners at a rain-soaked Simonds Stadium thanks largely to 3 goals from former dreadlocked wunderkind Luke Dahlhaus. 

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Buddy Franklin, Kurt Tippett and Tom Boyd lead the list of stars off the track for tonight's Startrack Oval pretend derby.  Jeremy Cameron will play for the Giants, along with recruits Heath Shaw, Josh Hunt, Shane Mumford, Dylan Addison and Jed Lamb. Rhyce Shaw will return for the Swans, along with ex-Blue Jeremy Laidler and Richmond Scrabble score Tom Derickx. 

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Meanwhile, the Match Review Panel looks set to continue without any major changes despite no-one having the faintest idea what it is they're doing. "It might be that we take a longer-term view of that and assess it across a full season before any major changes comes through, but there might some amendments to that system." said AFL operations manager Mark Evans of the panel that is becoming very hard to sit on...

In the news...

Chris Scott has put some faith in two of his injured chargers, declaring that Allen Christensen and Steven Motlop are "not replaceable players". "But we've got some pretty handy players who will come in and do a very serviceable job. It might not be quite as good" he said.

St. Kilda's efforts to replicate the transition of Chris Yarran from forward to defender has been put on ice, with Terry Milera set to remain up front for the Saints in 2014. "I enjoy kicking goals" said Milera, clearly unaware of the team he was playing for.

Luke Hodge will join Brad Sewell and Josh Gibson in Hawthorn's team for tomorrow night's NAB Challenge game in Launceston against the Kangaroos. Majak Daw will play for the Roos.

Collingwood player and massive Alex Fasolo fan Alex Fasolo is in the mix to play his first senior game since an foot injury in round 5 last year. "He is certainly right in the mix to be selected if he gets through training" said Collingwood football director Rodney Eade.

Tuesday February 17: Great oratory...

Vive Le Revolution...

With the abundance of 'yeah, nah' and a horrid habit of appropriating senseless grammatical crimes from American sports, football and great oratory are two things not often associated with each other. Occasionally though, someone steps up and delivers a speech so gosh darn inspirational that we here at Smother House feel the need to drape ourselves in an AFL flag, wipe our weeping eyes and march down to Demetriou's waterfront office shouting Vive Le Revolution.

Yesterday, that man was Alastair Clarkson. "For too long, coaches have had that attitude or felt they should. For too long, we've said nothing. We need to speak up about this" He Martin Luther-Kinged, ''We're only temporary custodians. We're just here to protect the game and pass the baton on to the next generation and ensure it is in a good state.

''We've just got to make sure that things like what happened last year must never be allowed to ambush the game again, to tarnish what is a great game"

He was, of course, referring to Essendon, and with the usual decorum that has defined the Hawthorn-Essendon relationship over the years, he couldn't resist the chance to pass comment on exiled dictator James Hird. "'Hirdy needs accreditation to coach under nines but not an AFL footy team. It really concerns me that the game doesn't protect itself in the way, say, the teaching industry does." Tasty stuff...

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Meanwhile, new West Coast Coach Adam Simpson has promised a tangible sense of chaos for tonight's faux derby in a place I've never heard of. "I’d like 10 games before round one to be honest. It could get messy on the weekend", he teased, leaving the waiting media whether or not he had spent the afternoon on Tinder looking for big strong men who could possibly hold down a key position. 

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The cost of living allowance (COLA) debate has drawn on, with Mike Fitzpatrick giving the strongest hint yet that the COLA has little, it anything, to do with the COL. 

Asked about the changes, AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick showed the standard political guile required of an AFL chairman by answering an entirely different and completely made up question that he felt more equipped to answer. "I think if your question is, are Greater Western Sydney at a different stage of development to Sydney? (it wasn't...) I think the answer's yes", he self-answered, showing a limited understanding of either the property market, the purpose of the allowance, or both.


The most likely path appears to be the removal of the COLA, replacing it with an 'expansion allowance' which will allow GWS to continue to rort the system while appeasing those outraged by Lance Franklin's signings. A 'yeah, nah' if ever we heard one...

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In the news...

43 touches and 7 inside-50's for David Zaharakis was not enough to get the Bombers over the line at Metricon Stadium last night, with a Gary Ablett buzzer-beater getting the Suns home 90-89.
Essendon youngster Alex Browne suffered a leg injury of as-yet-unformed severity, while the Gold Coast shook of a shoulder scare to recruit Sean Lemmens. "He may be right next week, if not definitely for Collingwood" said Guy McKenna, proving that if the draft gives you Lemmens, you should send someone to Lemmens aid. 

The Gold Coast's Sean Lemmens is likely to play next week despite a shoulder scare, when the draft gives you Lemmens...

Adelaide have added Ricky Henderson to a pre-season casualty list which already includes captain Nathan Van Berlo. Henderson has a suspected leg fracture after landing awkwardly in a tackle.


Go go gadget...
Maverick Weller, who has moved from Gold Coast to St. Kilda, has praised the proportions of the Sun's prodigy Jack Martin."It’s not that he’s that tall but I reckon he’s got really long arms, which helps him take a good catch.", said Weller. 

Monday February 17, 2014: Who's game is it anyway?

Where everything's made up and the points don't matter...

We're exhausted, grumpy and running out of microwavable cheese-burgers. Heading in to game 6 of this hasty attempt to balance the interests of a litany of conflicting parties, we have to admit it's getting a little tiresome. So while a half-baked Essendon side head north to face the Suns tonight, we were relieved to see a weekend which reminded us what football is about... men in suits arguing about money.

There's no denying the difficulty that faces Tony Shepherd, the man in the suit charged with creating an orange and white army to rival that of the Wanderers. It's not always easy being the new kid on the block. This is especially so when you're an AFL team in Western Sydney, an area that doesn't quite grasp the complexities of our great game and where the locals have ample other pursuits to occupy their weekends.

It makes complete sense for the Giants to try and gain some competitive advantage over their cross-city rivals, but one wonders whether Shepherd's weekend tirade against the Swans might backfire - or at least downfire and leave a gaping hole in his own foot.

 In an utterly confounding interview with Fairfax Media, Shepherd denounced the decision of his cross-town rivals to sign Buddy Franklin as 'not a good move', urging the media to ingore his own clubs protracted pursuit of the power forward. Even more astounding was his criticism of the Swan's 9.8% salary cap allowance, arguing that by signing Franklin, the Swans had abused the extra salary-cap space that the Giants also enjoy and tried to use to sign none other than Franklin. It's an argument fraught with hypocrisy that puts the AFL in the difficult position of removing the concession for Sydney while retaining it in the cheaper western suburbs.

It's surely not the last we'll see of the COLA furore. The AFL Commission are meeting in Sydney this week to decide whether, in this Socialist Animal Farm of a league, some animals are more equal than others. While it seems an interesting choice to hold the meeting in Sydney - where it will presumably cost 9.8% more than anywhere else - we're pretty sure that if you look from Giant to Swan, and from Swan to Giant, and from Giant to Swan again, it might be hard to tell which is which...

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In other news...

The Demon resurgence is well on-track under the inspired tutelage of Paul Roos. While James Frawley's optimism stopped just short of actually signing a contract with the Demons, he did take time to mention some of his teammates in the win over Richmond on Friday night - albeit with a small degree of backhand.
"You see Treds on Friday night, he had a form slump the last couple of years but on Friday night he comes out and has 35 touches" he said, leaving some wondering if two years is perhaps a bit beyond a slump. 

Carlton and Adelaide also celebrated meaningless victories on the weekend, with $2m man Eddie Betts kicking 5 goals in shorts that actually fit him and former Saint Nick Dal Santo picking up 29 touches.

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The knock on Wood

It would be patently unfair of us not to mention the remarkable 83 point Dream Team performance on surprise Carlton signing Cameron Wood. After he kicked the winning goal, we have upgraded our expectations of him from 'frustrating VFL ruckman' to 'potentially frustrating injury replacement'.