Friday, April 4 2014: A large incidence of no-shows...

If this blog were governed by the AFL, today's edition would be an A-Reserve fully-ticketed laugh out loud event. It's that good, even if we say so ourselves.

With the comedy festival kicking off in Melbourne, it seems everyone in this town has the taste for a good giggle. Even our usually erroneous and scarcely humorous missives have enjoyed a bump in popularity on the back of the event, so much so that on Monday we even engaged in a process called editing. Usually employed by professionals, editing - so far as we've experienced - involved reading something you've already written, deciding it was rubbish and starting over.

In Monday's case, we had prepared a humorous and insightful piece that suggested perhaps the lack of people turning up to AFL games was not as much the fault of the AFL as it was the fault of the people who weren't going. It even featured a joke about Demetriou, even at his most horizontal point, only being able to fill 3-4 seats - which we thought was OK. On further reflection, we decided that it was neither humorous nor insightful and rubbished the whole idea, hastily assembling the piece you probably didn't read on Monday.

Perhaps, if we'd known then what we know now, we wouldn't have been so quick on the backspace. It was faces the hue of radishes that we listened to Andrew Demetriou blame the lack of people attending games not on himself, but instead on the people who didn't go. "There's always been a large incidence of no-shows; I mean people who buy a reserved seat for the whole year might go on average to six games a year, and that's an issue" he told baffled reporters.

And he didn't stop there, blaming "the price of food and beverage, the price of car parking on game day, absolutely, things like ticketing charges" and pretty much everyone in the world who's name isn't Andrew Demetriou. But he does have a solution. "That's all the more reason why we want to own our own stadium, to control those prices. They are a severe imposition on families when you add those things."

Of course, the real sticking point in the AFL taking over the Docklands stadium is the price. Perhaps it been classified an A-Reserve Stadium....?

In the news....
In a debate that occurs with such dependable frequency that one could set their watch to it, the bump is back on the agenda. Sam Newman's diatribe on The Footy Show (which we seem to remember was funny a few years back) has lead to a petition for some kind of Presidential pardon for Nat Fyfe or something. We predict that nothing will happen and we'll do the whole thing again in 2015.

The Bombers have banned defender Court-e-neigh Dempsey indefinitely after he failed to live up to the standards of a club which spent the majority of last year under investigation by the AFL, ASADA and the Crime Commission.

Carlton ruckman Matthew Kreuzer will miss three months with a foot injury, adding to the pain an already undermanned list of talls of Carlton. Could the door be ajar for Cameron Wood? Probably not.

Ok, ok - that's all The Smother we've got for this Friday. Teams are here so go back and do your Supercoach (pro tip: even coming in the top 100 won't get your girlfriend back).

Tuesday, February 25, 2014: There never was a story of more woe...

"For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Essendon and Demetriou."

Without the family disputes and steady stream of murders, Romeo and Juliet would be a rather mundane tale of two people who met at a party, fell in love and then both died in a tragic case of miscommunication. It is the adversity and struggle, the against the odds nature of their love that makes the story so revered. 

Which is why we were so excited yesterday to see Bruce Reid, Paul Little and Xavier Campbell shaking hands with Andrew Demetriou and his Monatguean deputy Gillon McLachlan on a tour of Essendon's new training facility. Based in Tullamarine, close to Melbourne airport, the new facility was the perfect opportunity to reconcile an Essendon/AFL relationship which has endured more than it's fair share of turbulence - and, in a renewed spirit of re-building, both parties are prepared to put the past behind them. 

"We have to have a strong relationship with the AFL. 2013 was an average year for the relationship. We are about trying to rebuild with them and rebuild in many ways." said Little adoringly, stopping short of apologising for all but challenging Demetriou to pistols at dawn in 2013. For his part, Demetriou has embraced the spirit of forgiveness that encapsulated the giant shed near the airport - "I think the club is genuinely wanting to move forward, as are we." he fawned. 


In the news...

It may have only been a pretend derby, but the ramifications are very real for West Coast defender Patrick McGinnity who will serve a one week ban for rough conduct. Timmy Sumner from the Gold Coast can accept a reprimand, while St. Kilda's David Armitage is contesting a $2600 for inappropriate umpire-touching.

The people's Mullet, Ivan Maric, will miss six to eight weeks with an ankle-twang. "He’s been able to train with it in the last couple of weeks, but he hasn’t been 100 per cent comfortable" said Richmond performance manager Peter Burge.

AFL footy boss Mark Evans will be given more power in the most recent tweaks to the Match Review Panel. The AFL has also promised more clarity on the definition of reckless, negligent and intentional, which will be unlikely to come from a Dictionary. 

Last night's Fox Footy Dale Thomas Live Documentary was occasionally interrupted by a NAB Challenge match which was won by the Crows. Dale Thomas was mentioned just short of 19,000 times in the 3 hour broadcast, including our personal highlight - a soppy montage of Thomas hugging new-and-former coach Mick Malthouse.

The award for pre-season honesty, however, was won by Malthouse - "I said to the players before the game, if we win we will tick it, if we lose I will make an excuse to the media" he told the waiting journalists, before returning to talking about Dale Thomas. 


The Knock On Wood

Although he was largely obscured by the constant rolling coverage of everything Dale Thomas did, our man Cameron Wood racked up another 80 Supercoach points last night. Although he is perhaps a candidate for the Justin Madden Centre For Tall People Who Can't Run Good, he may perhaps buck the trend and play AFL football this year.

Did you know...?

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Monday February 17, 2014: Who's game is it anyway?

Where everything's made up and the points don't matter...

We're exhausted, grumpy and running out of microwavable cheese-burgers. Heading in to game 6 of this hasty attempt to balance the interests of a litany of conflicting parties, we have to admit it's getting a little tiresome. So while a half-baked Essendon side head north to face the Suns tonight, we were relieved to see a weekend which reminded us what football is about... men in suits arguing about money.

There's no denying the difficulty that faces Tony Shepherd, the man in the suit charged with creating an orange and white army to rival that of the Wanderers. It's not always easy being the new kid on the block. This is especially so when you're an AFL team in Western Sydney, an area that doesn't quite grasp the complexities of our great game and where the locals have ample other pursuits to occupy their weekends.

It makes complete sense for the Giants to try and gain some competitive advantage over their cross-city rivals, but one wonders whether Shepherd's weekend tirade against the Swans might backfire - or at least downfire and leave a gaping hole in his own foot.

 In an utterly confounding interview with Fairfax Media, Shepherd denounced the decision of his cross-town rivals to sign Buddy Franklin as 'not a good move', urging the media to ingore his own clubs protracted pursuit of the power forward. Even more astounding was his criticism of the Swan's 9.8% salary cap allowance, arguing that by signing Franklin, the Swans had abused the extra salary-cap space that the Giants also enjoy and tried to use to sign none other than Franklin. It's an argument fraught with hypocrisy that puts the AFL in the difficult position of removing the concession for Sydney while retaining it in the cheaper western suburbs.

It's surely not the last we'll see of the COLA furore. The AFL Commission are meeting in Sydney this week to decide whether, in this Socialist Animal Farm of a league, some animals are more equal than others. While it seems an interesting choice to hold the meeting in Sydney - where it will presumably cost 9.8% more than anywhere else - we're pretty sure that if you look from Giant to Swan, and from Swan to Giant, and from Giant to Swan again, it might be hard to tell which is which...

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In other news...

The Demon resurgence is well on-track under the inspired tutelage of Paul Roos. While James Frawley's optimism stopped just short of actually signing a contract with the Demons, he did take time to mention some of his teammates in the win over Richmond on Friday night - albeit with a small degree of backhand.
"You see Treds on Friday night, he had a form slump the last couple of years but on Friday night he comes out and has 35 touches" he said, leaving some wondering if two years is perhaps a bit beyond a slump. 

Carlton and Adelaide also celebrated meaningless victories on the weekend, with $2m man Eddie Betts kicking 5 goals in shorts that actually fit him and former Saint Nick Dal Santo picking up 29 touches.

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The knock on Wood

It would be patently unfair of us not to mention the remarkable 83 point Dream Team performance on surprise Carlton signing Cameron Wood. After he kicked the winning goal, we have upgraded our expectations of him from 'frustrating VFL ruckman' to 'potentially frustrating injury replacement'.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014: Enough of this shallow unity...

Well that was fun. For a few weeks my fellow Australians and I, even those despicable freaks who chose (I repeat...CHOSE) to support Carlton, shared a sense of unity, a common purpose. We had a new mortal enemy, an enemy dressed in red and white and drunk on the sort of smug confidence for which the English are famous. Little did they - or many of us for that matter - expect the pummeling that would befall them.

And though the 5-nil Ashes victory is nothing to be sneezed at, our cricketers would do well not to get too carried away. They are soon, unfairly in this correspondents opinion, to be relegated to the deeper realms of the sports section. Tonight, 138 days since Hawthorn saw off the famed purple swarm, football is back - and in a big way.

Tonight's Geelong V Collingwood encounter at Kardinia Park is the first game in a NAB Challenge series that will answer some pertinent questions. Questions like, why are we doing this? How do you win? Wait, IS there even a winner?

Preliminary questioning on the purpose of this pre-season competition proved fruitless, save for that weird guy in The Smother office who held us hostage for 45 minutes explaining the methodology he uses to develop his fantasy football 'squad'. Attempts to change the subject also proved fruitless. It was altogether a fruitless morning.

What we do know is that tonight, after a sweaty tram ride home and a microwave meal, I will be able to flick over to Fox Footy and watch some actual football. Regardless of the Mickey Mouse nature of the game itself, it will be lapped up with the kind of feverish demand often associated with explorers discovering an oasis in the desert (as opposed to anyone discovering Oasis in Dandenong, which - if it still exists - deserves no further mention).

So, well some interest is reserved for how Collingwood manage to fill the hole left by Dale Thomas and Heath Shaw, and whether Geelong has the young players to continue their dominance, nothing of substance will eventuate. What really matters is that this charade of unity associated with regaining the Ashes can be dropped, and this country (or this state at least) can get back to what's really important - division, frivolous division based on football teams who share stadiums and have little, if any, connection to the suburbs they're named after.

The Knock On Wood

It would be cruel to continually remind Carlton fans about their awful recruiting. So in that spirit, we will be closely following the fortunes of Cameron Wood, the ruckman who was delisted by Collingwood years ago before becoming a regular attendee of ruck contests in the VFL.
Mick Malthouse is nothing if not on-message. Sticking fast with the title of his recent tome 'The Ox Is Slow But The Earth Is Patient', he has signed one of the slowest oxen available. While we won't comment on whether this is this another example of Malthouse ingenuity (or a sign that that his famously quirky brain has conked out completely), The Smother will be following with interest.