Thursday, February 20, 2014: A seat that is becoming very hard to sit in...

"All we are saying is to be careful, make sure they have done everything in their power to be ready to get into a seat that is becoming very hard to sit in.''

The excitement at Smother House hit fever pitch yesterday when we assumed, after hearing the above quote, that AFL Coaches Association head Danny Frawley had taken our side. The couch from which we consume endless hours of sport is indeed becoming hard to sit in; the sweat patches from throughout The Ashes have meshed with a variety of food stains creating super stains that are of some interest the CSIRO. Yet, despite our desperate appeals to Fair Work Australia and the United Nations, our humble couch was somehow deemed a safe workplace. A voice like Frawley's is just what we needed to convince our overlords to replace the couch, or at least cover it in some plastic sheeting - Chernobyl style.  

Alas, we felt a wave of disappointment when we read on and realised he was not at all concerned with our safety. The chair to which Frawley referred was indeed the one occupied by our 18 AFL coaches, and the qualifications that one should obtain. 

''It's a bit like a student that gets a perfect score in English in Year 12, and then the very next year asking them to go back to school and teach English. It just doesn't happen that way.'' he said, brandishing his own tumultuous career at Richmond as an example of the dangers of assuming that a good captain will make a good coach. Of course, in the wake of the startling illiteracy figures revealed last night, perhaps hiring English teachers with a vague proficiency in English mightn't be such a bad idea. 

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Another good idea was that of St. Kilda to recruit Eli Templeton, the dreadlocked wunderkind who bagged a brace of soccer goals in last night's NAB Challenge match with the Bulldogs. The Bulldogs ran out 11 point winners at a rain-soaked Simonds Stadium thanks largely to 3 goals from former dreadlocked wunderkind Luke Dahlhaus. 

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Buddy Franklin, Kurt Tippett and Tom Boyd lead the list of stars off the track for tonight's Startrack Oval pretend derby.  Jeremy Cameron will play for the Giants, along with recruits Heath Shaw, Josh Hunt, Shane Mumford, Dylan Addison and Jed Lamb. Rhyce Shaw will return for the Swans, along with ex-Blue Jeremy Laidler and Richmond Scrabble score Tom Derickx. 

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Meanwhile, the Match Review Panel looks set to continue without any major changes despite no-one having the faintest idea what it is they're doing. "It might be that we take a longer-term view of that and assess it across a full season before any major changes comes through, but there might some amendments to that system." said AFL operations manager Mark Evans of the panel that is becoming very hard to sit on...

In the news...

Chris Scott has put some faith in two of his injured chargers, declaring that Allen Christensen and Steven Motlop are "not replaceable players". "But we've got some pretty handy players who will come in and do a very serviceable job. It might not be quite as good" he said.

St. Kilda's efforts to replicate the transition of Chris Yarran from forward to defender has been put on ice, with Terry Milera set to remain up front for the Saints in 2014. "I enjoy kicking goals" said Milera, clearly unaware of the team he was playing for.

Luke Hodge will join Brad Sewell and Josh Gibson in Hawthorn's team for tomorrow night's NAB Challenge game in Launceston against the Kangaroos. Majak Daw will play for the Roos.

Collingwood player and massive Alex Fasolo fan Alex Fasolo is in the mix to play his first senior game since an foot injury in round 5 last year. "He is certainly right in the mix to be selected if he gets through training" said Collingwood football director Rodney Eade.