Wednesday, May 21, 2104: From the office of Gil McLachlan

From the office of Gil McLachlan

AFL House 

ATTN: ALL STAFF

Please remain at your desks. To ensure full compliance, we have placed several large and hungry dogs at the exits and disabled the lifts. For those with a taste for creativity, we have had the astro-turf mounds along the front of the building fitted with electrified barbed wire and offered Terry Wallace a pouch of Drum for every escapee he catches. 

I realise these measures may seem extreme, however these are serious times. In the circumstances, nothing less than immediate and decisive action will suffice. Over the coming hours, a squad of highly trained former Marine Commandos will sweet the premises and begin confiscating mobile phones, computers and any other items deemed to be of relevance to the investigation. In the basement - the rooms which were previously occupied by Mark Evans' various technological experiments to produce usable footage for the score review system - we now have several professional hackers and tech-wizards who will analyse your devices. 

It is imperative to the ongoing professional operation of the league that this offender be identified and punished. The previous regime may have accepted transgressions, but a McLachlan lead AFL will not. The overgrown rodent who leaked the sensitive details about equalisation policy to Caroline Wilson will be caught. When they are, they will be punished - though the exact nature of this punishment is still being confirmed. That initial proposals were found to breach industrial relations laws and several UN conventions on torture will not dampen our pursuit of justice. A team of 7 highly-paid lawyers are currently assembled, discussing a range of measures that will circumvent these laws and allow us to banish the culprit henceforth to work as technical support for David King in the War Room or become the AFL's liaison with Mick Malthouse.  

Leaks such as this undermine the ability of the league to function effectively. We value your co-operation. 

-Gill

In the news....
West Coast's has re-signed 201 centimetres of unfulfilled potential until the end of 2019. "The West Coast Eagles is my home" said Nic Naitanui.

Shane Mumford is set to return this weekend for the GWS Giants. "I just seem to get these stupid injuries that no-one else has ever heard of" said Mumford of his interrupted 2014, "it just goes with the personality, I'm a bit weird on and off the field."

And our latest in the series of footy news that no-one could care less about, Williamstown defeated apparently real team Aspley by 7 goals in the biggest misuse of the MCG since the Sheffield Shield. Someone played well and you can read about it here. You won't.