Tuesday, May 6, 2014: Urgent correspondence...

Urgent Correspondence

Andrew Ireland
c/o Sydney Swans Football Club.

Dear Andrew,

A word of warning, this message will somewhat deviate from our recent public commentary. We can assure you, however, that heeding our advice will be in the best interests of the game; specifically pertaining to the growth of the code in New South Wales.

The league is unimpressed, and deeply concerned, by recent press reports concerning the availability of Lance Franklin for Friday Night's match with Hawthorn. As you are no doubt aware, this match was one of the few benefits the league was able to draw from your recruitment of Franklin, and the league would like to reiterate its importance. Recent incidents, including but not limited to the destruction of several vehicles, have invited further scrutiny on a move which we already considered, to put it indelicately, a massive balls-up.

After careful consultation with our media and operations team, the league recommends that all reasonable measures be taken to ensure that Franklin is able to take the field. Should this require the use of certain disreputable figures from the medical or scientific fields, we advise you proceed - albeit with caution. We are quite serious here, inject him with pigs blood or ox brain or goddamn heroin, whatever it takes to get him on that field. Hell, if you need to, kill a small child and harvest the stem cells, even cut off Rhys Shaw's leg and sew that on the bastard. Whatever it takes, hombre, to get him out on that field.

We ask that you retain this advise in the strictest of confidence.
Sincerely,
The AFL Commission.

In the news....
The bump. It's all about the bump. With the AFL charged with ruining the game, Jack Viney will front the tribunal after failing to take adequate care of opponent Tom Lynch's head. He will be joined by Tiger Brett Deledio, who is challenging a one-match ban for striking Matthew Stokes.

The pride of Nar Nar Goon, Lachie Hansen, has shunned a potential free-agency payday by committing to North Melbourne until 2017.

And finally, some bad news for ladder leaders Hawthorn with Sam Mitchell out for 8 weeks with a hamstring twang and defender Brian Lake out with calf-twang.