Friday, May 30, 2014: Fear and loathing in front of goal...

Brenton Sanderson has gone gonzo in his attempt to understand the great Australian dream; the kicking of balls between goal posts - rather than outside of them. Of course, for the Crows - of late - this has become a concern. Footballs to the left, to the right, everywhere except those goals. One wonders if they haven't taken a pound of ether and can't even see the goals for all those damn bats.

"The numbers just keep heading downhill if you go out thinking "I don't want to make a mistake - we must take the game on"", grumbled Sanderson, wearing orange tinted glasses and a white bucket hat. "We need to remove the fear of making a mistake because sometimes that anxiety grows and grows."

Of course, going on these sort of trips are not all fear and loathing - there are moments of joy when one can actually put themselves in alternate universes, dream worlds where past sins are expunged and the full support of the board is even more full than usual. "We've had two games now where we've lost by less than a kick. If we win them both we're sitting seventh on the ladder" crowed a buoyant Sanderson, clearly oblivious to the fact that those losses were to Melbourne and Carlton.

Of course, sometimes ignorance is bliss - "there's still a really positive vibe around our footy club", concluded Sanderson.


In the news...
Apparently the Swans weren't the only winners in last nights 100+ point demolition of Geelong, Channel 7 has claimed 'another nightly win' with big ratings and the AFL is crowing after a sub-40k crowd for a top 4 clash. Read the outrageous puff piece on AFL state media here.

The Smother congratulates the AFL on their support the Recognise campaign here. The campaign supports recognition of indigenous people in our constitution, we support it - you can too.

Ok, that's all for The Smother week - Teams are here. Go use that captain loophole on Supercoach, jerks.

Thursday, May 29, 2014: The full support of said board

Being a traitor is not an easy life. Even when you arrive at your new home, copping all the flack that comes from those you abandoned, you still need to overcome the sense of distrust that will inevitably come from your new teammates.

It's much easier of course if things are going well, but if they aren't - it's good to have some fellow traitors around to back you up. This might explain why Carlton (and former Collingwood) coach Mick Malthouse is so bitterly upset to see Carlton (and former Collingwood) CEO Greg Swann hanging up his executive tie. "I'm really disappointed that he's going" cried Malthouse, before fawning over "one of the best, if not the best, CEO's I've encountered in the last 20-odd years - he's streets ahead."

That praise follows on from his well known love of Dale Thomas, whom he courted to cross to the Blues at the end of last year. Despite a largely disappointing 2014 season, Malthouse has declared Thomas six weeks ahead in his progress to become a shadow of his former self.

Malthouse wasn't concerned, however, that Swann's departure could be his own career in jeopardy. "You just get on with your job. I'm a servant of the board" grumbled Malthouse, who we presume has the full support of said board.

In the news...
Nick Maxwell has added his name to the oracles who have wrongly predicted a return to form for Travis Cloke. "It's going to turn for him come game day - hopefully it's tomorrow night" he prophesied.

Michael Voss has become the latest in a growing list to ask for a return to State of Origin football. "Rather than doing (International Rules), why not State of Origin" he said. Andrew Demetriou has put the kibosh on the idea.

Sharrod Wellingham has refused to mince his words on the reason he has been dropped from the West Coast 22. "I was in a little bit of a slump and that was due to me being a little bit lazy" he mea-culpa'd.

Wednesday, May, 28, 2014: Drinking too much and fighting strangers...

Collingwood has always been a leader, both on and off the field. With that in mind, it was fitting that coach Nathan Buckley should stand up in support of a new AFL Players Association report that emphasised the on-field benefits for clubs who allow their players to live balanced lives.

Buckley praised the environment at Collingwood where players "are actually valued for the person that they are, as much as they are for the talent that they bring". "We want people to walk out of our football club better than they walked it" he said.

Buckley also spoke of the need for players to engage in activities which - in the words of afl.com.au - gave them a mental break from the game. Whether those activities should involve drinking too much and fighting strangers is a matter for further discussion, owing to the performances of Marley Williams since he escaped a custodial sentence. Still, Buckley praises the ability to escape the game.

"If you can't switch off, then you can never really switch on".


In the news...
Carlton CEO and traitor Greg Swann has resigned, effective June 23. "I'm confident I'm leaving the club in a better place than when I started" he said.

Gold Coast coach Guy McKenna has contacted the AFL to request more protection for favourite Sun Gary Ablett. "I don't want to sand here bleating about Gary" he bleated about Gary, "but he just wants a fair and even chance to attack the contest. When he gets angry, clearly that hasn't happened."

Hawthorn has re-signed Brad Hill until the 2017. "I love playing footy at the club" he repeated from the 'what to say when you've re-signed' handbook prepared by the AFL.