Thursday, June 5, 2014: Happy Gilsday...

It's finally here... We've got the party whistles and the champagne - some illegal fireworks that Kevin Sheedy had delivered from Canberra - it's GILSDAY. The Demetriou era is over, the league is now firmly in the hands of Gillan McLachlan - who will presumably now go about auditing the prices of food and parking that are, from all reports, the sole cause for any of the leagues problems. If only the chips were cheaper, the games would start at 2:10 again. If the pies were fresher, Essendon wouldn't have been forced into injecting themselves with beef brains and ox blood. If the parking wasn't so expensive, players might actually play in a position... these damn prices.

Of course, Demetriou was never going to go quietly. First he praised himself: "I can't keep going to lunches and having nice things said about me continuously" he said with a smirk that suggested he definitely could, and probably wanted to. He concluded, of course, with a parting shot at the Victorian Government - as if they need it. With Premier Denis Napthine receiving the political equivalent of the full support of the board, Demetriou used his final press conference to urge the Government to put some money into the MCG. Talk about kicking a man while he's down...

Letters...
"Drove from Horsham to Ethidad on Friday to see the Mighty Pies. Drove in under Etihad to park and knock me over with a feather…$30 it cost! $30!! That’s 4 doctor’s visits and change and it’s nowhere near 2025."
Smother subscriber Bryce responds to our financial predictions...
Send your letters to thesmotherafl@gmail.com or via Josh Bootsma's Snapchat...

In the news...
Popular football blog The Smother has issued an apology to both of its loyal readers after failing to produce yesterday's edition. "We tried but time was against it. Unfortunately there weren't any Bootsma jokes that hadn't already been made. It won't happen again" lied Smother correspondent Alfonzo Smotherington.

Whichever Scott brother coaches Norf has lashed Gil McLachlan over Andrew Demetriou's equalisation policy. "I think the big clubs successful negotiated and got what they wanted" he said.

Richmond coach Damien Hardwick has a plan in place for the rest of 2014. "The challenge for us and our playing group is to hang tough, remain united and get some wins on the board" Hardwick easier-said-than-done'd

Tuesday, June 3, 2014: It doesn't matter which way you cook it...

"It doesn't matter which way you cook it", it was an ominous start for Andrew Demetriou - especially given that the subject matter was drugs in sport. "The uncertainty can not be a good thing".

"We do need to have some finality to this issue and it has to be stressful on the players, in particular" continued Demetriou, chiding ASADA for the delays in concluding its report into Essendon, before moving onto chiding himself for the rubbish fixture he cooked up before resigning and leaving poor Gil to clean it up. "There's no doubt there are some issues" he obvious-stated,  "We've lost momentum... Whether we do that again in the future we'll have to wait and see".

Of course, by 'we' - he means everyone else. This is Demetriou's last week in the top job, giving him pause for reflection on his high points, as well as the inevitable regrets that come with such a long tenure in the top job. "It would have been nice to purchase Etihad Stadium sooner, because I think it would have been good for our clubs" he told reporters when asked if he had any regrets. The league is contracted to take over the stadium in 2025 for $30, which is interestingly equal to both the expected weekly profit for many smaller clubs who play games there, and the predicted cost for a pie and chips at the venue in 2025.

On Thursday, or as we're calling it Gilsday, Demetriou walks away from AFL House for the last time, leaving it in the capable hands of Gil McLachlan. From all reports, his first priority is to do something about the exorbitant cost of parking, beer and pies at AFL venues. This we respect, $12 for some chips and a pie at Etihad Stadium on Friday night was preposterous, and it doesn't matter which way you cook it.


In the news...
Steele Sidebottom is embarrased - not by his ridiculous name, but by his high hit on Maverick Weller that will see him miss three weeks. "I just said I was sorry I'm pretty embarrassed by what's happened" he offered sheepishly.

The notion of an annual event is apparently lost on Jack Watts, who told On The Couch that he and his teammates have been "crying out for years" for Monday's Queens Birthday Clash with Collingwood - which happens every year.

Watt's coach, however, us unimpressed by suggestions of 'zones' to tackle congestion in our game. "If we want to keep it as football, we keep it as football. If we want to play a different game then you can call it something else and we'll play a different game" he rambled.

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Monday, June 2, 2014: The David Cloke award for predicting the future...

As Nick Maxwell hobbled off Etihad Stadium after Friday's drubbing of St. Kilda, he could be forgiven a smile. It was he, after all, who had proven his stuff. Not necessarily as a footballer - he was subbed off  in the first quarter with a calf twang - but in his second job, as a media commentator.

As The Smother reported, last week Maxwell joined the chorus of Collingwood folk predicting that Travis Cloke would soon 'tear a game apart'. Buckley predicted the same thing - a week early - while others had gone even earlier. It was Maxwell who saw that Cloke was ready to fire, the oracle who was able to understand that if you're going to predict a big game from a forward - a near 100 point win against a bottom 4 team is a good week to make the call.

But our ultimate oracle prize of the week goes to David Cloke, who in May diagnosed that his sons problems were not his fault - but the result of an under-performing Collingwood midfield. How we laughed, the thought that Pendlebury, Swans and Beam were all, simultaneously, failing to hit Cloke whilst having no issues finding Jarryd Blair or Jamie Elliott. "Probably Collingwood's lack of players to run the ball, with Sinclair out and Marley Williams just coming back. Seedsman not playing"

How he must have grinned when Seedsman hit Cloke laces out at Etihad stadium...


The Monday Wrap
Thursday:
Sydney 148 defeated Geelong 38
Friday:
Collingwood 140 defeated St. Kilda 54
Saturday:
Port Adelaide 95 defeated Melbourne 75
Brisbane 98 defeated Carlton 91
Essendon 104 defeated Richmond 54
Sunday:
Adelaide 109 defeated Gold Coast 77
Fremantle 89 defeated Western Bulldogs 51
Hawthorn 94 defeated GWS 87
North Melbourne 82 defeated West Coast 44

Ladder
Port Adelaide - 36 - 143.95% - (WWWWW)
Hawthorn - 28 - 147.65% -  (WWLLW)
Sydney - 28 - 139.31% - (WWWWW)
Collingwood - 28 - 118.61% - (WWLWW)
Gold Coast - 28 - 107.47% - (WWWWL)
Geelong - 28 - 101.28% - (LWLWL)
Fremantle - 24 - 121.66% - (LWLWW)
North Melbourne - 24 - 110.55% - (WLWLW)
Adelaide - 20 - 105.76% - (WLWLW)
Essendon - 20 - 105.17% - (LWWLW)
West Coast - 16 - 117.86% - (LLWLL)
Carlton - 16 - 87.34% - (WLWWL)
Richmond - 12 - 96.82% - (LLLWL)
Western Bulldogs - 12 - 81.81% - (LLLLL)
Melbourne - 12 - 78.73% - (LWLWL)
St. Kilda - 12 - 64.15% - (LLLLL)
GWS - 8 - 70.55% - (LLLLL)
Brisbane - 8 - 59.23% - (WLLLW)

In the news...
Swans coach John Longmire has rubbished the suggestions by many pundits that has team are enjoying a substantial benefit from their Cost Of Living bonuses, instead declaring that hard-work was the reason for their success. "We believe our blokes work generally pretty hard" said Longmire in a comment that could be interpreted as calling every other team in the league lazy. 

The Match Review Panel findings are in. Steele Sidebottom has been given three weeks for a high hit on Maverick Weller while Jeremy Cameron has been given a week for rough conduct.

After an unconvincing start, Brendan Bolton will remain in charge of Hawthorn for another month. Al Clarkson will not be rushed back from his back complaint.