Tuesday, April 15, 2014: Why we love Collingwood

We don't know much here at The Smother, but we know two things for sure; that is two things that we really aren't good at. The first is painfully obvious, we aren't that good at running a blog. The second is also painfully obvious, we don't meet a lot of women.

In fact, we would go as far as to say that the only people who know less about meeting women than us are the presumably desperately lonely men who actually read this thing (a comment which in itself is evidence of the first failing - ie. calling your few readers desperate or lonely). Say what you will about our bad jokes and lack of interpersonal skills, you can't say that we don't try. And try we will.

Because women, when you think about it, are a lot like a football team; and this is how we settled on Collingwood (that's not technically true, we support them because our fathers did, but there is something tremendously creepy about choosing the same woman as your Father, a topic that probably deserves more of a thesis than a blog - but we digress).

Collingwood is a big hunk of lady who you can always depend on. Let your mates laugh and heckle, let them poke fun at her masculine figure and facial hair, her failing dental health. It doesn't matter, what does matter is that she's hefty and ugly and she'll always look after you.

Richmond, she's beautiful and knows it. She's always up for dinner and you're always paying and every time she insists that tonight's the night... until she remembers her parents are staying or she has to be up early or something. It's all false dawns and Punt Road, and you end up down $150 and flicking through Tinder on the train ride home.

Carlton, on the other hand, excites you like no-one else. She's got model good looks and lives her whole life on the edge of her seat, launching into far-flung escapades that dabble with the very edges of law & order. She's always close, she wants to be an actor and insists she only needs to spend a few more thousand on a promo reel and her career will take off, then she'll marry you. It's better than Richmond, in that you actually get to sleepover, but it's worse because you know that you'll both be either in jail or dead before you're walking down that aisle.

There's always heartbreak in football, but give me my dirty black and white lady any day.

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In the news...
Lions tall Matthew Leuenberger is expected to miss up to 12 weeks after injuring a right knee in the process of being thoroughly buggered by the Crows at the weekend. Pearce Hanley will also miss the next fortnight with hamstring-strain.

Dale Morris has gleefully accepted a one week ban for tripping, knowing that a leg injury will keep him out anyway.

Dockers coach Ross Lyon has condemned a lack of a discipline from his new signing Colin Sylvia. Sylvia faces suspension for rough conduct in a WAFL match on the weekend.

And in further evidence of Essendon's need to listen to doctors, at least six players and their coach have been struck down by a virus. Assistant coach Simon Goodwin has ordered those struck down to stay away from the club, while Medical Professional Dr. Ageless insists he could have the whole thing gone in a jiffy.

Thursday, April 10, 2014: Drug-addled crazy talk...

Did you know that camels have wide feet because it allows them to walk on sand more easily? We didn't, but it was one of the results when we, as part of our research for the Thursday Smother, ran an internet search on whether or not sheep can walk on sand. We also discovered the Ovis canadensis nelsoni, or desert bighorn sheep, which has adapted to life in the desert by learning to walk on sand and survive on a diet of cacti.

Unfortunately the desert bighorn is only found in the US and Mexico, and we don't like our chances of getting a herd of sheep through customs, or keeping them alive in the slightly milder climate of Princes Park.

But these are mere hiccups, for I suppose we could just fence off a patch of grassland for some regular sheep and have the sandpit nearby. This approach might actually be more effective, as although we're no farmers ourselves, commonsense suggests a cold-climate sheep will produce more wool than its desert counterpart anyway. And the wool is the whole point of the sheep.

This is all part of a significant redevelopment of the old Optus Oval to better suit Carlton's current purposes. First, we'll develop a sheering shed in the attacking 50; space that was previously reserved for competent tall forwards who never emerged. The sandpit will obviously go in the middle, where a lack of midfield depth means that everything below the feet of Chris Judd and Marc Murphy isn't being used anyway. The sheep themselves will wander aimlessly around the wings and try to avoid any footballs that come their way (which might get them picked above David Ellard).

This dramatic re purposing of the aging stadium will allow Carlton to dramatically cut the costs associated with their core business, potentially allowing them to produce a profit in what will surely be a tumultuous 2014 season.

And while this might sound like the drug-addled crazy talk that only a free blog site would ever give prominence, you only need to read real news like this or this to understand quite how determined Carlton are to sticking their head in the sand and pulling the wool over their eyes.

A project that will require a lot of sand and a lot of wool, so it makes sense to DIY.

In the news...
In a sign that the chairman of Beyond Blue has completely lost his marbles, Jeff Kennett has suggested that Hawthorn relocate their training and admin to Launceston.

In a shock move, the St. Kilda football club are considering relocating to St. Kilda. In a deal with Cricket Victoria, the Saints are considering returning home to Junction Oval.

Finally, Andrew Demetriou has denied he will make an early exit when Gillon McLachlan his successor his named. "I've started rehearsing for the Brownlow" he said, while many supporters gave votes to Karmichael Hunt in the background.

Tomorrow...
We're going on a short Smother holiday so there will be a drastically reduced version of the Friday Smother tomorrow. We'd apologise, but given the way we've gone this week it's probably for the best.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014: Bogged down by regulations and ethics....

Here at the Smother, we have been accused of being somewhat anti-Carlton. Rejoicing in their defeats, celebrating their continued determination to draft aging talent in a move to win a Premiership which is almost within reach (if it weren't for the 8 teams that are better than them).

Tuesday, March 18, 2014: Something new to talk about...

A new chapter, that's all they've asked for. It's got nothing to do with redemption or forgiveness, there is no amends to be made. Essendon just want something new to talk about.

This was the second year of the Essendon pre-season pantomime, replete with heroes and villains; characters submitting themselves to the judgement of the masses. Distorted, often beyond recognition, by the hazy lens of the various scribes assigned the task of disseminating facts when precious few are known. It's exhausting and obsessive work, you can spend days analysing the various prognostications without realising how futile it all is. Nothing has happened, something might, but nothing has.

Monday, March 17, 2014: Anyone holding their breath has long since dropped dead

"The top four have got every right to think it's between 11 and one, the rest of us ... I would say we're approaching 11 o'clock. There's a lot of sides approaching 11 o'clock. We want to be progressing through 11 o'clock into it. I don't see any reason why that can't be the case. We've got a very good blend of senior players and we've got a good blend in the middle."
Mick Malthouse, Saturday. 

"It's not a matter of whether we're in the window or not, it's a matter of making sure you win enough games of football. The last thing that'll be on our mind or any players' mind is where's the window?"
Mick Malthouse, Sunday

So that's that then, in only a few hours - and following a game in which they were run off their feet by Port Adelaide - Carlton's premiership clock/window is not so much expired as it is now irrelevant. The entire analogy, after forming the basis of his pre-match press conference, was disposed of with the disdain that Malthouse usually reserves for those he's speaking to (or at least a sandwhich-eating cameraman).

Friday, March 7, 2014: In a lot of newspapers in close proximity to the word 'allegedly'...

Some stories just keep in giving. We thought that the Jack Riewoldt media ban was one of those things footballers say in the heat of the moment before realising they looked quite silly just there and pretending like nothing ever happened. But alas, Jack is still not for turning on his media ban, all-but-running away from cameras at a charity appearance yesterday. It was hardly edifying, but then again, running away from cameras is still a whole lot classier than chasing them.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014: There never was a story of more woe...

"For never was a story of more woe / Than this of Essendon and Demetriou."

Without the family disputes and steady stream of murders, Romeo and Juliet would be a rather mundane tale of two people who met at a party, fell in love and then both died in a tragic case of miscommunication. It is the adversity and struggle, the against the odds nature of their love that makes the story so revered. 

Which is why we were so excited yesterday to see Bruce Reid, Paul Little and Xavier Campbell shaking hands with Andrew Demetriou and his Monatguean deputy Gillon McLachlan on a tour of Essendon's new training facility. Based in Tullamarine, close to Melbourne airport, the new facility was the perfect opportunity to reconcile an Essendon/AFL relationship which has endured more than it's fair share of turbulence - and, in a renewed spirit of re-building, both parties are prepared to put the past behind them. 

"We have to have a strong relationship with the AFL. 2013 was an average year for the relationship. We are about trying to rebuild with them and rebuild in many ways." said Little adoringly, stopping short of apologising for all but challenging Demetriou to pistols at dawn in 2013. For his part, Demetriou has embraced the spirit of forgiveness that encapsulated the giant shed near the airport - "I think the club is genuinely wanting to move forward, as are we." he fawned. 


In the news...

It may have only been a pretend derby, but the ramifications are very real for West Coast defender Patrick McGinnity who will serve a one week ban for rough conduct. Timmy Sumner from the Gold Coast can accept a reprimand, while St. Kilda's David Armitage is contesting a $2600 for inappropriate umpire-touching.

The people's Mullet, Ivan Maric, will miss six to eight weeks with an ankle-twang. "He’s been able to train with it in the last couple of weeks, but he hasn’t been 100 per cent comfortable" said Richmond performance manager Peter Burge.

AFL footy boss Mark Evans will be given more power in the most recent tweaks to the Match Review Panel. The AFL has also promised more clarity on the definition of reckless, negligent and intentional, which will be unlikely to come from a Dictionary. 

Last night's Fox Footy Dale Thomas Live Documentary was occasionally interrupted by a NAB Challenge match which was won by the Crows. Dale Thomas was mentioned just short of 19,000 times in the 3 hour broadcast, including our personal highlight - a soppy montage of Thomas hugging new-and-former coach Mick Malthouse.

The award for pre-season honesty, however, was won by Malthouse - "I said to the players before the game, if we win we will tick it, if we lose I will make an excuse to the media" he told the waiting journalists, before returning to talking about Dale Thomas. 


The Knock On Wood

Although he was largely obscured by the constant rolling coverage of everything Dale Thomas did, our man Cameron Wood racked up another 80 Supercoach points last night. Although he is perhaps a candidate for the Justin Madden Centre For Tall People Who Can't Run Good, he may perhaps buck the trend and play AFL football this year.

Did you know...?

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Friday, February 21, 2014: Cheering and being a squad...

From his understated Toorak manor, the reserved philanthropist, amateur economist and Collingwood president had finally seen enough. After staying silent for countless hours, the media shy Edward McGuire finally said what needed to be said. It is time that "everyone, players included, make their workplaces successful and thriving. Otherwise, the lessons that have been learnt today - at Ford, Toyota and Alcoa - will be wasted on the AFL."

"Let's sort out the economy of football, so that everybody continues to have a job and that we have a great competition" McGuire lectured, reminding all of us the ultimate fragility of the pathway from AFL player to person employed in a position they have no little to no qualifications for. 

We mustn't forget McGuire's history in the providing jobs for downtrodden workers who don't necessarily having the prerequisite skills or experience. The club he quietly leads, Collingwood, has employed former lanky defender Simon Prestigiacomo as its merchandise manager, retired midfielder Nathan Buckley as head coach, and as recently as last year employed retrenched Jordan Russell as an AFL player despite a complete inability to kick a football.

And the economic smarts at Collingwood don't stop there. The industrial age theory of specialisation, which allowed factories to thrive by giving employees small tasks at which they can become highly proficient, is now officially back in vogue at the Westpac Centre with yesterday's announcement that they had relieved their cheer squad of the onerous task of sticky-taping bits of crepe together.

"Volunteers will create the banner, members will hold it up" professed club spokesman Stephen Rielly, noting that this would allow the cheer squad to focus on their core business of cheering and being a squad. "the cheer squad will be all about barracking and sounding great on the day... We want them to not be concerned about the banner and to focus on making a lot of noise". The move came as a result of an off-season survey which allowed the club to glean the ultimate goal of the cheer squad (that being to be "more unified and make a bigger noise" ie: cheering and being a squad).

And while on first glance it may seem like a blatant commercial ploy, we here at Smother House understand the difficulty that some behind the goals feel when deciding whether to go with the quintessential 'Collingwood-clap-clap-clap', or the moving ballad 'Colllll-inggggggg-woood'. It's the same challenge Oasis must face when choosing a set from their daunting back-catalogue, and they have roadies for the heavy lifting....
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In the news...
Sydney defeated a plucky GWS side by 40 points in Canberra last night, with the Swans bearded backline of Rhyce Shaw and Nick Malceski holding strong. The weekend will see Hawthorn play North Melbourne in Launceston, Collingwood take on Richmond in Wangaratta and another pretend derby between Gold Coast and Brisbane on Sunday in Townsville. 

Despite his lack of any time at Collingwood, Carlton midfielder and personal friend of Bryce Gibbs Marc Murphy looks set to re-sign. "I'm pretty close to 'Gibbsy' and from talking to Gibbsy I don't think he'll be going anywhere", he name-dropped.

Morning TV host and Port Adelaide chairman David Koch has revealed he would sack Jake King over his friendship with Bandido Toby Mitchell. ""We would get rid of him, absolutely, as simple as that," he holier-than-thou'd, from behind a camera a long way from Bandido Toby Mitchell. 

Young Magpie Marley Williams has been found guilty of causing Grievous Bodily Harm after his warning punch erronoeusly connected with the jaw of a man in an Albany pub. "I was not intending to hurt anyone. It was more of a warning punch. It was either strike or be beaten up" he said.

Jack Riewoldt has stuck to his media ban, withdrawing from Saturday night's NAB Challenge game with a thigh injury due to the presence of cameras.